My only child adult daughter and I are fighting

[Elyse]

I'm 58. My only child, adult daughter is 24. I feel that I have dedicated my life to her & now she treats me coldly, is snippy & snarky to me, & doesn't help with housework. I was married to her father for 7 years when we planned on having her. I wanted to get pregnant but my husband was less inclined. I had a severe back injury when she was 4 months old. My husband told me on my first Mother's Day that he wanted a divorce. Getting child support from him over years was like pulling teeth. The day she graduated from high school was the day he stopped paying anything for her support. Even with my having several small disabilities & health problems, I have worked full time & have taken care of my daughter. It was not easy. She graduated magna cum laude last June & is now getting her teaching credential. She lives with me in a house I rent near her college. When she met her first serious boyfriend in college, that is when her attitude started turning snarky to me. He is over often, using my kitchen & living room etc. He attends the same college & lives in a small room rental not far from campus. They like to use the house I rent. I have provided everything I could all my life for my daughter. I'm wearing the same ragged clothing for the last 10 years so that I can provide clothing, etc for her. She refuses to confront her father to get him to pay for college. He ignores her birthdays & holidays. Today we had a HUGE fight because I told her that I would like her to be nicer to me and to help me with the housework. I was crying at the end of it & she just stood there like a cold statue & then left with her boyfriend on an outing. I'm a talented artist, and yet since I married her father, I gave up my art so that he would feel better about himself (long story). Raising my daughter has killed my inner creativity. I still do costuming & crafts, but I cannot sit down and do fine art painting or illustration. I feel like I have lost myself. First my ex-husband ruined me financially & made me feel worthless. Then I poured all my efforts into raising my daughter. I feel I was a good mother. I made her costumes for Halloween from scratch, carved the biggest pumpkins ever for her for her school room, baked her cool birthday cakes & threw fun parties for her, bought her all the clothes & toys she needed without over doing it because I had budget constraints. I always told her that all her efforts were fantastic & encouraged her all the way. We used to be so close. Now I feel like a total failure. I feel like I want to turn back the clock and be me - the person I was before I met her father. I was a successful illustrator & a teacher in an art college. Now I'm an overweight lonely single woman who wonders if I even have a life from here on forward.

[pam1]

Welcome Elyse

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (first two threads highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I think you will find a lot of support here, glad you found us.

IMO, it's time to start putting yourself first.  What have you been wanting to do?  Mani, pedi, salon etc?  It's your turn now.  Be kind to yourself.

[Doe]

Hi Elyse-

Interesting point about your daughter killing your creativity.  I think that raising children is such a creative effort that is does siphon off a person's creative urges.  With me, I still felt creative, but ended up altering what I was doing to please the kids.  Since they've grown and gone, I've been going through a little personal renaissance, rediscovering my old tastes and some new ones.
You're going through a tough period, but hopefully, you can find some outlets to find yourself again.  Maybe a group of other artists painting?  A meetup group?

She's declaring her independence from you but you can also declare your independence from her.  You did a good job - she's grown, well educated and has found someone to care about.  We all know what it takes to help a child get to that point.    Now it's time for you.

And by the way, I can't say enough about getting active and losing weight.  It has changed my perspective immensely. 

[lancaster lady]

hi Elyse and Welcome :

If you are not at home to do all the chores , then she will have to do them !
What is stopping you going out and finding clubs and societies to join ?
Why not start one yourself ?
If you are a trained artist , why not start classes at a local school in the evenings ?
I began our own local art group many years ago , and it is still flourishing . We are always looking
for artists to demonstrate their work .
If you give lessons , its also an added income .Don't wait until she leaves home , tomorrow is the first
day of the rest of your life , make it a meaningful day , start as you mean to go on .
She will soon get the message that her personal maid has left the building !

[Sassy]

Hi elyse and welcome to Wise Women Unite.   I see two things going on. 

One is an immediate need for clearer house rules and boundaries.   Does she pay any rent?  As we learn more about your relationship with your daughter, and your needs in a housemante (which sound very reasonable to me) perhaps we can suggest ways to approach her effectively.  One member here with a name similar to yours, elsie, set reasonable boundaries with her adult son who lived with her (no overnight guests, no drinking or drugs) and he was asked to leave when he would not follow them.  It's been tough for her, as he resents her having to enfocrce the consequences for the rules he chose to break. 

The second is all about you and your beautiful future.  This restless and discomfort you feel now, can be a very good thing, because it will drive you to make changes.    This is how you will begin to feel better.   You will do one little change to make your life nicer for yourself.    Did you know the owner of this very website, Luise Volta, started it while she was in her eighties? When she was your age in her fifties, I doubt she imagined the internet would exist, much less that she'd be doing such amazing beautiful things with it.  You don't even know what beauty awaits you.  (The delight of life!).

Art leagues (probably with women much, much older than you), community centers and colleges, high school night classes are often lower cost than university classes.  And probably more fun, with other students all ages and walks of life.   You obviously have the hunger for learning, so why not feed it a snack.  Take baby steps one at a time.   Don't aim to change your life.  Aim to change your day, or week, or semester. 

Set aside time to do what you love.  Bring your paper and pen, or whatever materials you use to favorite places.  To sketch and play.  Cafes, malls, and libraries are indoors.  If weather permits on some days, do it outside.  Have fun doing what you love.  Do not ruin your joy in doing it, by taking it too seriously.    Simply decide to do it for the sake of doing it. Why not?

Taking care of your health makes you feel stronger.  When was the last time you had a full physical with blood work?  Ask your doctor about your interest in starting an exercise program.  She/he may want to do a stress test, to check your reaction to getting your heart rate up, before you begin daily walks.    A lot of ladies on this website are doing a "Fitness Plan" together, they have counters on their posts.  (The threads about it are in the Grab Bag forum).

Take comfort in knowing that we all have given up having something to have something else. Every one of us.   You gave up a career in art for the hardest job in the world, to be a parent.  At the time, though, you wouldn't have had it any other way.   You were and are a great mom.   Don't let your daughter's housekeeping laziness convince you otherwise.  It was your beautiful destiny, and you fulfilled your calling.   You would have regretted it, if you didn't do it. 

Your life as you have lived it will give a depth to your future art, a different perspective, that you could not have had any other way.

[lisafox41]

Hi Elyse,
Six months ago, your post could have been mine. I read something here that made sense to me; raising our children was our job...this phase of the job has been completed for you. It's time to move toward the next phase in life. I know it is not the easiet concept when you have to sort of "start over." I am responsible for my own happiness, not my AC or GC.
I was also lonely and overweight. I started walking everyday (free and good for me!). Sassy is right- when you begin to take care of yourself it does make you stronger. I also started taking piano lessons (haven't played in 40 years!). "You" have never be gone- it's time to put yourself in the forefront.

[Pen]

Welcome, Elyse. I understand how difficult it is to imagine yourself feeling whole again. My situation with my AC is different from yours, but I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself after years of giving everything I had to my family. At my age it sometimes seems nearly impossible to get back my creative edge, skill, motivation, and ability to succeed in my (previously) chosen field.

The WW here have a lot of excellent suggestions, though. Sassy brought up a great point - Luise, our fearless leader, is a great example of a woman who has continued to learn, grow and find success at all stages of her life. You're in a university town - how many resources you must have! I'm envious, actually. Take advantage of what is around you and don't let anyone stop you from living your best, most fulfilling life.

[amflautist]

... she treats me coldly, is snippy & snarky to me, & doesn't help with housework.
...  She graduated magna cum laude last June & is now getting her teaching credential. She lives with me in a house I rent near her college. When she met her first serious boyfriend in college, that is when her attitude started turning snarky to me. He is over often, using my kitchen & living room etc. He attends the same college & lives in a small room rental not far from campus. They like to use the house I rent.

My polite answer:  A young woman who treats her housemate poorly should be asked to leave.
My other answer:  Are you nuts?  Throw her out!!!

I also wonder how a young woman with an attitude like that can be an effective teacher.

[firelight]

I can totally relate to your comment "we used to be so close, now I feel like a failure."  I have said that myself and thought due to being a single mother for so long that I was hard on her and ruined her life....I feel like I beat her down maybe but not purposely.  The shoulda, coulda, woulda's creep in.....  Looking back that's how it feels.  My daughter graduated with honors and a scholarship....then barely into starting her college at 18 yrs old, she met a man with 2 kids from a few different moms and bad credit with no HS diploma.  She dropped out of college and walked away from her bright future.  They are now struggling severely with their baby in tow.  I am scratching my head.  Even though I used to say all her life, "when you go to college" not "if you go to college" it didn't matter because she did her own thing.  So you have been a success in at least the college finishing part.  I love my daughter more than anything and she has made some poor life choices but I know that God has a plan for her and it's out of my hands at this point.  No one loves my daughter more than I except God so I have to let go....but it is SO hard. I am trying to count my blessings and reading that you were into art is really something I would love to fall back on if I had the talent....I think it is just going to take time and adjustment and then you will be able to slowly get back into your passions that you once had. I am also thinking I have to do that also.  It will keep us busy and focused on something else besides our child.  I also have just 1 daughter (and a step son who is on his own too).  I am wishing you the best and for strength to get through it.   

[sesamejane]

This crisis has a silver lining, and if you seek you shall find it.  The women on this site have shone a light on the path for you. 

It is wonderful that  you have this talent!  Oh, one thing I started thinking outside the box on my behalf, you know after the kids grew up.  I had to be creative when raising them, and all my attention was on them and I too neglected myself - had too... been there and got the t-shirt sort of thing that many women on this site talk about.

But, I realized that I could do anything I wanted with my living space once the kids were grown.  I could make my living room a studio or one of their bedrooms, etc.  Currently I use my garage with the door wide open on nice days! 

Do get out and see the world with your fresh eyes.  Luise has said, which is often repeated, "You were a whole person before children, you can be again" or something like that.

With regard being treated poorly by dd...who is paying the bills anyway?  If you are, "adios dd and take the bf."  Of course you will be tactful and kind, respectful and loving, but  nevertheless, show them the door.

Keep posting, keep reading and looking forward to hear more of your story as you sort this thing out.