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[RedPanda]

I am not a mother, but a young woman with many issues about my own mother. Seeing as how when I bring up to her how I feel I'm brushed off, I figured, upon finding this site, that I could get some perspective from a mother, even if she is not my mother. I feel I need you to have a little background information before you can make an unbiased opinion.

My parents had a rough divorce, and I mean rough. The legal battle was bad. My brothers and I, I'm the middle child, grew up in joint custody, mostly at my fathers. My mother exited an abusive relationship with my father. He beat her and raped my half sister from my mothers previous marriage. I've heard it said that the rape was the reason she divorced him, but after finding the age of my sister and myself, knowing when she was raped and when they were divorced it was actually years before they split.
I myself was sexually abused by my grandfather (my fathers father) and my older brother, and physically abused by my father as well. This had started at a young age.

Trying to make a long story short, I'm here now, 24 and confused. I had seen a therapist for an unrelated issue, and she wondered why I wasn't mad at the people who had hurt me. I said that I was just taught to tough it out, always. I never told anyone about the things my grandfather did, but it eventually became known what my father did, so we went to live with her. My mother eventually found out what my brother was doing, and so that stopped as well. I had serious bouts of depression for most of my life, and some suicidal tendencies that my mother was aware of, but was not proactive about helping me through.

That unrelated issue I mentioned earlier, was PTSD. I was in a bad car accident at the age of 18 and was hospitalized. She was a good care taker, I thought that then at least. After I recovered, it was time to go to college.

This is where my feelings toward my mother came to a head. I found that when I was recovering from my accident, she took the checks I had received from my job from disability. She had told me that i was not eligible for financial aid, which I was and received funds for, and she racked up a $5,000 dept for me in loans. She also took out a credit card in my name. I now have $15,000 dollars in dept because of my mother. 

Recently, I think I'm really starting to be affected by my past. I feel like she left my brothers and I in a dangerous situation, and the work she did to get us out of it were minimal. I know that she now writes off my sisters rape. My sister is now an alcoholic.

I've been curious about my mothers past, so I started digging for little pieces from my stepfather. My mother was a nuisance to her mother, and in turn was put in a school for children with behavioral problems for most of her life. The only one to visit her was her father. She also became pregnant with my sister when she was 19, and thus married the father, who treated her badly. then there was my father. She had to have been lonely and missing something for most of her life, and the more I think about what she must have been through, the more guilty I feel for having ever felt anything but love for her, because I imagine she thinks shes doing her best.

None of my siblings talk to her. They feel she is inept at the task of mothering, and want no part of her in their lives. Sometimes she will ask me why I can't open up to her, and I never have an answer that won't provoke an argument. She tells me that she is my mother, don't talk back to me. What mother would allow her child to be in danger nearly everyday? Living with a rapist? And I'll never tell her about what my grandfather did to me, if for no other reason, I'm afraid she just won't say anything at all. How am I supposed to not resent her after she put me so deep in dept, and denies knowledge of what I'm talking about?

[pam1]

Welcome RedPanda

Big Hugs, you've been through a lot.  I think our feelings tell a lot about us, your feelings of resentment are perfectly valid for you and I'm sure many people in your position would agree.  IMO, it's what you do with your feelings is what counts.  What can/can't you do in regards to your mother?  Can you have a relationship on any level?  There are things such as little contact, medium contact etc.  IMO, those are things you need to work out.

It's also ok to take a break, wrap your mind around some stuff and then decide.  There is no time limits.  Take it easy on yourself.

When you get a moment please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (top two threads highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post

[Eggshelz1]

RedPanda...how awesome you came here.
You are something else..... with you being so strong. I feel a natural-born leader in you with the exception that you have so much compassion that you could never lead a charge against an enemy lol!
Love that in yourself and then keep being good to yourself.
You have been to there and now you are coming back.
I so admire you. And I so pray your whole family finds peace and forgiveness and love.

[Pen]

Welcome, RedPanda. Glad you found us!

[Nana]

RedPanda

You have all the right to be confused, anxious and sad.  We do expect our Mother to be a warrior to protect us ...it is what real mothers do.  And when they dont, we feel worthless and upset.   I cant imagined my mother trying to take advantage of my income, or letting me be in an unsafe place.......It would break down my spirit.   But you Red Panda....have that inner strength, and as much as life has bend you....it has not destroy your soul and the wonderful person you are.  I really wish I could hug you and make you feel safe.  Some children do not deserve the mothers they have and vice-versa.  But it is how it is....what we go through in life was meant to be.

You should not feel guilty at all.  And Red Panda...  You Mother had a bad childhood also but that doesnt give her the right to continue the pattern.  In fact...I wish you didnt have to depend on her anymore....maybe being away from her will help you heal your heart.  Do forgive her, ---to free yourself.  You have a long life ahead....move forward and be happy.
You deserve it!
Sending you lots of love.

[sesamejane]

Hi RedPanda,
I had a similar background - sexual and physical abuse, lots of emotional abuse.  My mother, however, did not plead to open up to her, and she was financially secure.  However, if she saw something she wanted that was mine, she just stole it... makes me laugh now.  She is deceased now, and I do not miss her.  There are some great websites about narcissism; one that comes to mind is something like "narcississm sucks" I think -

It took me a long time to figure out that my family was continuing to hurt me even though I was an adult.  My boundaries were pretty messed up because I was so used to being treated badly.  I could not see the many ways I was being undermined.  I stuck around so long because of the master manipulations:  sometimes things were okay!  or sometimes my mother wanted something from me, sometimes just company.  It took a long time for me to realize that she and others in my family were not capable of the kind of love I needed: protective, kind, thoughtful, *noninjurious*

I wasted a good portion of my life trying to fix things or to get love in my foo.  My advice??  Sounds harsh I know, but I would *stay away* and put your life together.  I believe you will be sucked dry and will be left continually hurt. It is hard I know because the wanting of love is so deep and painful.  They are just not capable of giving it to you:  It does not make sense to keep going to a dry well for water.

Your mother may have had a difficult background, but she has consciously undermined you in very serious ways.  I finally understood that my mother was much like a snake. I do not hate snakes, but I cautious around them and do not turn my back on them.  She couldn't  help it I know - she was what she was.  I, in the end, chose my life over hers.

Please take care of yourself and know that there is so much love waiting for you out there once you put yourself and your life together.  There are so many wonderful people who are supportive and kind in this world.  But you have to hang out where they hang out - that's the trick.

This website is a good start.  There are other organizations in your community too: volunteer, church, etc.  And of course I have had my share of wonderful therapists who helped me grow up because in my family I was not *raised* and had to learn to be an adult.  I too have PTSD but because of my childhood, so I have to take especially good care of myself - eating healthily, exercise, hanging out with good people, learning to love myself, putting the brakes on when I get too stressed...

Much love REdPanda