March 28, 2024, 06:15:05 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


My son doesn't need me for his surgery.

Started by nikncon, November 16, 2011, 05:04:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

nikncon

My son who is thirty six is having a surgery which I would consider serious.It will take over four hours.I was suppose  to leave to winter in Florida but told him that I WOULD POSTPONE OUR TRIP TO GO SEE HIM AND SEE THAT HE IS OKAY.He told me that he has his fiance and lots of friends if he needs anything.I said "Yes but I am your mother and want to be sure that you are okay.He emailed me and told me to go relax in Fl.He said that his fiance can give me details if I call her.I don't feel too good about it.But it is his wishes that I go to relax as he says.I know that he loves me but lately  has a funny way of showing it at times.Any advice?Sad Mom.

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

pam1

Welcome nikcon :)

Please read the first two threads (highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First, one is the Forum Agreement, the other is the History of WWU.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I think you'll find a lot of support here.  I'm glad to see that you're following his wishes so I do think you should go to Florida and have a good time.  Of course, you'll be worried but that's what we are here for.  Come here and let us know how you're feeling :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

tryingmybest

iMO I think you should do what will feel right for you. If you're not comfortable leaving until after the surgery don't. Don't hover, just be matter of fact..."something like I know you'll be fine, but I want to stay until after the surgery..." Case closed. if his fiancee doesn 't want to share a waiting room, go out for coffee with a friend.

Scoop

I think your title says it all "your son doesn't need you for his surgery".  As a grown adult, he has told you that he doesn't need your presence.  If a friend told you the same, would you listen?

Men are weird about being perceived as weak.  Also, he probably doesn't want his friends to bug him about "his Mommy being there".

You know what else just occured to me?  What if he thinks you're only staying 'in case' you have to go to a funeral?  It might be a talisman to him that "everything HAS to be ok, my Mom won't even be here".

You can fret just as well in Florida as you can at home.  Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.  Another one:  Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.

I really think that this is something that your DS and his fiancee have to go through alone, to see if they're cut out for "in sickness and in health".

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Keys Girl

Since you don't mention when the surgery is happening, in the context of when you are supposed to leave for Florida, I'm going to assume that both are soon.

I would stay if I were you, but allow him to recuperate without hanging around.  I would prefer to leave for Florida once he is well on his way to recovery, I don't think I could relax on the trip until after the surgery was completed without complications and if (God forbid) his surgery doesn't go well, at least you will be in the neighbourhood.  It would be more stressful to travel to Florida and then return if necessary.

Your son may not want you to worry about him and put a monkey wrench in your plans, but when you travel is up to you.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

nikncon

I was really surprised to get such helpful feedback.I have never posted anything online before.Thank you so much . We did leave for Fl today. I did tell my son that I will be near the phone and his fiance who I spoke to also said that she will call me as soon as she sees him after the surgery.My son sent me the surgeon's name,name of hospital etc.I know that things will go well.If he really needs me after I could fly home and stay for a while .At least he knows the offer is still good.I will let you know the results.So nice to have someone to isten to your feelings.Great group!His surgery is next week.A prayer would be appreciated.

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Eggshelz1

Prayers from me. I think you handled your situation beautifully Mom. Have fun on that trip.


(Your first time posting online...awwww. Computers and cell phones..what a world to keep us close.  ;D

Pen

Wow, I'm impressed, Nikncon. I think you just showed your FDIL & DS that you are concerned but not a hovering FMIL. Have a great time, and here's to your son's successful surgery and quick recovery. Check in and let us know how things are going! Oh, and welcome :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Yep, nicely done.  Also, it doesn't matter how old our children are, we will always worry and fret if they are sick or having surgery.  So welcome, and know there are people here who do understand that you are worried.  We all would.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lindi_lmf


I agree Scoop.  You have to give your son space; he's got a fiance now who will take priority very soon.  It's hard to detach from our sons, but at least he's told you he loves you and appreciates your consideration.


Quote from: Keys Girl on November 16, 2011, 06:41:54 PM
Since you don't mention when the surgery is happening, in the context of when you are supposed to leave for Florida, I'm going to assume that both are soon.

I would stay if I were you, but allow him to recuperate without hanging around.  I would prefer to leave for Florida once he is well on his way to recovery, I don't think I could relax on the trip until after the surgery was completed without complications and if (God forbid) his surgery doesn't go well, at least you will be in the neighbourhood.  It would be more stressful to travel to Florida and then return if necessary.

Your son may not want you to worry about him and put a monkey wrench in your plans, but when you travel is up to you.

nikncon

Thanks to all who replied today.Almost arrived to warmer climate.I will keep in touch as surgery  is Nov 25th.Your Thankgsiving if you are an American.aSo happy Thanksgivimg to you all.Enjoy your special day.We have so much to be thankful for if we really think about it.nikncon Canada.

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

nikncon

My son has his surgery  on his jaw at 8am this morning.It lasts about 4 hrs.Will keep you posted.I've been awake sine 4:30  but he did call me last night.Has someone to drive him to hospital and he will stay at this couple's home for a few days after.This is what he wanted so I will call the hospital later and see if I can get some info.Will also be in contact with fiancee.Will let you know how it went.Thanks for the prayers.Sine I don't have much family so nice to have found this group.

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

jdtm

My husband had jaw surgery seven years ago.  He spent several hours in the operating room and was moved to intensive care.  He remained there for three days before he was able to come home.  In this hospital (and I'm also from Ontario), all patients with jaw surgery remain in intenstive care until released from the hospital (due to nature of surgery, the ICU protects the patient better from infections).  He regained his strength quickly.  I pray for you and your son ....

pam1

Sending good thoughts your way!  let us know
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

seek

i think you did the right thing. my grandson was hospitalized last year for appendicitis and he was not glad to see me worrying in the hospital . . .he was only 17, but i think it's a "guy thing." i did not understand at the time that some males do not want to be perceived as weak and don't want to be coddled for that reason.

have fun and i am sure your son will be fine. it's good that you took him at his word. i think always using your gut instinct, not fear, will never lead you astray.