What is the truth?

[2chickiebaby]

I wish you all would help me understand this:  Some DILs say things like, "I (the DILs) stole her little boy"  "emotional incest" (OH MY GOD!!!), "she continually crosses my boundaries".

It is the most digusting and heartbreaking things you can read about what they think!! (I know, stop reading).  The more I read, the worse it gets!  How they think today is so out of proportion to what and who we are that it makes perfect sense that enough things said like this to our sons, the more they are going to find against us.

Why do they do this?  What makes them say these thing?

[Postscript]

Because there are 3 sides to every story Chickie.  Yours, Mine, the truth.  We all add our own perception to everything that happens to us, every single day. Example I was working one night, we had a woman jump off a bridge, it was reported by at least 10 different passers by.  Every single one gave a different description of the clothing the woman was wearing.  As different as Jeans and a halter top, to a little black dress.

You read over there about women with problems on the "other side of the fence", then you judge them by your own situation, adding your own perception to what they are saying.  Those daughters in law, are not your daughters in law.  What they say, in my opinion, is no better/worse than anything you have said here.  Different but not worse.  My Mother in law thinks I stole her son, or My mother in law thinks I am a gold digger etc, have been around forever. 

Yes there are some new terms like emotional incest to describe a mother transferring her emotional needs to a son when they don't have or those needs are not met by a husband, but it's just terminology, invented by psychiatrists to describe the situation.  It does happen, I watched my grandmother do just that when my grandfather died, we all just said that she came from a generation when men ruled the roost, she didn't know how to mow lawns, do tax, set the time clock on her lights, so  on and so forth.  But she really did expect my Father to slip into my grandfathers role of protector/male in her life. 

If you really can't tear yourself away from the other place, then you need to remind yourself that those ladies are also in pain, they are coming from a different perspective and it isn't the same as yours.

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you, Postscript....you are so kind.  I do appreciate it...looking at it like that, it does make a difference.  It's hard not to think that all people feel this way but I am going to try. 

[Postscript]

Good Chickie, because I think it is helpful for us all to walk a mile in another's shoes, not just in these sorts of situations but for life in general.  It's a rare talent to be able to look at a situation from all sides   Generally, as human beings, we pick a side I think.  Perhaps that is why the human race is so full of unrest and violence?  Because as a general rule of thumb, we fail to step back and attempt to see things from another point of view?

[2chickiebaby]

I have always tried to see both sides and it's gotten me in a lot of difficult situations. I have tried to see my DILs sides, both of them and frankly, the one I'm not as close to have gotten a rotten deal from my close DIL.  It's too late now.

I guess we are all different.  I am sure the DILs have suffered too.  Thank you

[Postscript]

I have to confess, I am not all that familiar with your particular situation, I'm a little confused by your descriptions of close and distant, are they physical or emotional?

I agree, sometimes seeing both sides puts you in a difficult situation.  I think it's human to want support for our position on any given matter and perhaps the person wanting your support is resentful of the fact you are indeed trying for an all round view, trying to be fair to both?  Just my thoughts.

I have many siblings, I know that some of my sisters in law have found it difficult to cope, not because my parents were cruel or anything, simply because we are a large family and one of my sisters in law said it was daunting being amongst us all, even though she was the youngest of 9, she found our family very dissimilar to her own.  Because we are a step family, there are many of us of a similar age and point in our lives, we are all quite close and it was hard when sisters or brothers in law joined the family and had different expectations of behavior, we got there in the end though.

[cocobars]

Postscript, that's funny (funny isn't the right word, but is the one that came to mind) that you had the suicide with all the different descriptions of the woman who jumped.  It really does explain life though and the fact that everyone has different perceptions of each situation.  What a MIL feels and sees and what a DIL sees (right down to their backgrounds) is different.  Sometimes as different as night and day (blue jeans/little black dress).  It makes finding a common ground sometimes a challenge for both people, but meeting eachother in the middle is important for understanding eachother.

Thank you for bringing up this important concept and giving us something more to ponder.

[luise.volta]

C/B - If you know that it's time to stop reading that stuff...please do that. How can it help but keep you stirred up, and unhappy. And how could it possibly support your healing. You can't think positively if you pursue negativity at the same time. Let the "Pings" take over! Pinginity Ping..Ping...Ping.

There are all kinds out there. I don't think there is a "they." Behavioral motivation comes from conditioning and no two people are carbon copies of each other, either experiencially or in their basic makeup. There are a lot of wonderful DILs out there. There always have been and there always will be. "Ours is not reason why" (they're not all wonderful)...ours is to move on and "fly." (Old saying I just made up! )

I love you!

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you, MomLuise, I needed that~ it has kept me down, down, down!! 

[renny97]

Of course, I am not speaking for all, but I tried very hard to attend events and respectful of being in son and wife's home. I really think I was too quiet at times, just trying not to say anything that could be taken the wrong way.

It didn't matter.

I raised son alone, and have maintained a home(s), doing my own repairs, upkeep and enjoying it. Then, job(s) and college, so that I wasn't dependent on anyone. When I reached a project too big for me, I usually called a handyman. People would say, "Why don't you let your son do this?" And, I knew I could not ask most of the time because she would find a reason he could not be available. This is something learned through years. If I would ask him something when he was already here, he would have to hurry up or come back and then, she would call while he was here.

I was very sensitive to not interfering. Being alone, I've always done as much as I could and learned even more.

When the situation is tense, I don't know what is right that I could do? I've stayed away before, and son came over angry with her, "Where ya been?" I said, "Right here." She made sure they had somewhere they had to hurry off to again. They were dressed for it. I guess, just to see if I was alive? Who knows.

Hurrying to work now....later, Renny

[luise.volta]

I don't get that it's about you. You have bent over backward and have given them every opportunity. The DILs who have pesky MILS would give anything to have you in their lives. It's so sad and how horrifying that is also so common. Let the love in here. It's not a replacement, nothing is, but it's real.

[Postscript]

Renny I don't know what to tell you.  I do get annoyed when my inlaws want my husband to go over and fix something, but I am only annoyed by it, because the only time they ever call him is when they want something and they usually want it right now. 

My husband has a demanding job, he is often away at conferences and he works weekends etc.  I work too and I go away for conferences, these demands on his time usually tend to come when we have a weekend together, the fact that they want it right then, puts an extra strain on our already limited time together.

I don't think I would feel the same if occasionally they picked up the phone and called just to say hi.  Or called him and our kids for their birthdays even. Something more than these once a month calls that their roof is leaking, their kitchen needs painting, their house needs rewiring.  He does their chores because he feels a duty, but he resents doing it the whole time and every time their number comes up on the caller id he sighs and says what do they want now?

Clearly you aren't like this, you sound like a very independent woman, able to get things accomplished without a lot of fuss and bother.  Luise is right, I would love to have someone like you as a mother in law.

[Scoop]

Chickie - do you really believe that *ALL* MIL's are good, nice people?

Do you believe that "emotional incest" doesn't exist?

I don't know why this puzzles you so.  I've said it before, they're not talking about YOU.  They're talking about their own rotten MIL's.  And it's not the title of MIL or DIL that makes these women rotten, it's their own rotten-ness, and it transcends race, gender, social status, AGE, everything.

[cocobars]

Scoop is right.  And they will always be around.  You can't help someone with a black heart, or change that heart. 

[luise.volta]

And under the black heart, there is often pathology that we can't see. It's not an excuse but the person with no legs isn't going to hop and skip. Dysfunctional DILs and MILs abound but they aren't the majority.