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What is the truth?

Started by 2chickiebaby, February 21, 2010, 11:35:38 am

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A long time ago DS came to visit with DIL one day and we were sitting on the couch next to eachother and I said to him: "I've missed you so much, give me a hug" and his response was: "I'm not going to sit here and make out with you, I already hugged you when I came in". I feel ill right now just thinking about it. My son was always so respectful, I know those words came from DIL's mouth.


I think my son would have said something similar. He does "greeting hugs" but I thin he sees them as somehow "liitle boy stuff." I don't know why hugs don't seem manly.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


We should dress in sports gear - men don't have trouble hugging after a goal or a touchdown!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Penstamen!  That's a hilarious thought!  So when we want a hug we just yell like they hit a goal?
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


I see that there must be terrible MILs, Scoop.  I can see that now.  I just didn't understand why a Mother would ever do that to her child.  I guess it does happen.  I'm sure that a lot of the people I know are dysfunctional  and I just don't see it. 

I didn't mean to dismiss all of you, DILs.  I am sure you have the same problems with your MILs that we do with our DILs.  I'm sorry.


As I said in another post, I post in the other site too. It actually has been huge support for me and helped me gain the confidence to leave my XH. I had a very difficult and weird MIL and I didn't know where else to turn. I found that site and felt so validated. All my friends and family had normal MIL's. Mine was just so off the hook, I couldn't wrap my mind around it and then I found others that had the same problem and felt validated and found I wasn't alone and wasn't imagining those things.

I knew that not all MIL's were enmeshed and gross to their sons because I saw it first hand and I SO wanted to have good IL's like my friends. I never had that kind of dysfunction in my own family either. Then I met my XMIL and I just never experienced a woman like that. I didn't know how to handle that kind of dysfunction because like I said, I have never seen it before. My XMIL treated my XH like he was her own H and expected him to do the things for her that he did for me and treated me like a jealous mistress. It still makes me cringe. The women are on that other site, not just because they find their MIL's annoying; they're there because there is some serious gross crazy stuff going on. It can be extreme.

Personalities can clash, but when there is serious dysfunction and gross behavior, its time for a therapist or separation. I actually went to a therapist because I kept thinking it was me, when all along it was them.

I'd have given anything to have a normal MIL. Now my BF's FOO is awesome. I am beyond grateful and I think experiencing the family I used to be married into, helps me appreciate the normal ones even more.


To Guest:

This is a particularly hurtful thing to say to your Mother.  I'm sorry to say this but you are right, this is coming from her.  I think she thinks you are trying to take her place???

It's very hard.  Some of the DILs want to see him stand up to his Mother in front of her so she can see he's put you down.

I know a man (about 40) whose Mother and Dad came to town. The Mother was sick from something and laid around for a day or two.  He said in front of his wife: "Mom, when you come back here, come happy or don't come at all"

His Mother didn't crumble into a million pieces like I would have, she said, "how dare you talk to me like that!!!"

When a son comes out of the blue and says what was said to you and to her, it is for her benefit.  I can only imagine what she does to him in private.


Chickie and Scoop, I'm sorry I got silly on a sidetracked comment. It hurts me when DS brushes off my endearments. This truth topic is serious. I agree with Scoop that "rotten" people come in all categories, not just DILs (or MILs, for that matter.) But Chickie has a right to be alarmed by hateful talk.

Generalization and stereotyping are time-worn ways for "hate groups" to incite their followers. Those types of MIL vs. DIL sites are stirring things up, and DILs who might otherwise seek a reasonable solution to their issues with MIL can get caught up in the frenzy. IMO, it can affect the decisions they make regarding ILs, GKs, DHs, etc. Eventually those feelings will become personal, and we'll bear the brunt.

Scoop, what do you think is meant by the term "emotional incest?" Do you agree that the boundaries are different for most DS's parents than they are for most DIL's parents?

I personally don't call DS/DIL to "just say hi" because I've felt uncomfortable contacting them for any reason! I've been treated like a major annoyance by DIL. I am very aware of the sins of hovering MILs and I don't want to do anything that puts me in that category. But DS & DIL are in constant, daily communication with DIL's parents and help them often. DH & I think of that relationship as emotionally incestuous, LOL. To DIL, the truth is that she and DS spend way more than enough time with us. To us, the truth is that they spend way more time and effort on her family.

I guess every second with us is like a year in DIL's world. So indeed, what is the truth?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thank you, Penstamen.  :)
Much love


Our experiences are so varied. There just isn't a stereotype on either side of the fence. We're all trying to find out how to survive our particular circumstance.

I was "pinned" to a guy whose mother was actually forcing him to become a doctor when he wasn't remotely interested. (He did get his M.D. but eventually became a medical writer. Check Mate!)

We he took me home to meet her...she walked into the room, glared at me...and said, loudly..."Well, we don't need to be introduced, do we?" I was just a young, nursing student, nervous about meeting her and wanting to put my best foot forward...and she declared war!

I broke it off with him. I was young but I wasn't dumb! We were both terribly hurt but no way could I have taken her on.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Sure, there are what I've called "extremes" between MILs and sons. I acknowledge those types of people are out there. But, it seems to be used, at times, to stereotype just because the DIL cannot get along with MIL.

And, as Pent, wrote, the ridiculous amount of contact between DIL and her parents, isn't made to be an issue as much as a mother and son. And, some MILs, get a fraction of the time with son and disrespect to boot.

I don't compare, because I believe my minimal contact doesn't come close to being emotional anything. But, I can promise you those terms would never be thrown at DILs parents. They are just a loving family.

And, no I don't use son for chores or projects. I think I may have asked for his help a few times in years. We had a normal amount of contact, which was whenever he wasn't working and months in between. It was nowhere near suffocating or every day. Even on the phone, I'd let him tell me whatever was going on for him. I didn't pry.

I don't feel the need to justify. Even the Freudian stuff makes me sick.

I think when we aren't that way ourselves, it is hard to imagine others can be. I think if there is a huge difference in the amount of visitation between in-laws, that should be addressed.


Truth can be so illusive. Yours is yours and mine is mine and they often change. Perceptions, opinions, reactions, values, beliefs and attitude (to name a few) mess with "truth."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hmm is visiting how we measure love?  My inlaws live 10 minutes away, my parents live a 5 hour drive away.  I visit my parents once a year and they accept the fact that I am terrible about calling, so they call me once a month or so to say hi and catch up.  My kids email them occasionally.

As I've said previously, I no longer visit the inlaws because I don't need the aggravation.  Dh is free to come and go as he pleases, my son is old enough that he can go there if he wants to and if Dh goes over, he takes our daughter.  The fact is none of them go often but my inlaws still see my family more often than my parents do.

My children stay perhaps a week or two every year with my parents, because my parents invite them to.  My inlaws have never invited my daughter and the last time my son stayed there was over a decade ago at their invitation.

My Mother in law thinks (I know because she's said it to my parents) that I live in my parents pocket, that they know all about my life and what goes on.  She thinks that my parents see more of my children when they see relatively little of them and usually when my kids are staying there, they are staying with their cousins, aunts and uncles as we all tend to visit over the summer holiday and my parents have a huge farm property.  We go to my parents because, my parents are pleasant to be around.  We use their home as a base and do our own thing all day, get together at night and cook outdoors etc.  It's not like my children or even I, get a huge amount of one on one time with my parents at all.

I'm a solitary kind of person, I don't require a huge amount of company, I don't need someone with me at all times, goodness knows just spending time with my husband and kids is enough to fulfill any social need I might have.  I literally have to force myself to attend work functions.  I like to be home and when I am home alone I don't tend to go anywhere because it's a treat. 


I don't recall anyone saying that visiting was how we measured love. Please clarify, 'cos I'm lost.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I don't think I accused anyone of it.  It's a question and I gave the examples of how my mother in law seems to think that visitation=love and she is jealous, because she thinks my parents get a lot more of it. 

Although truth be told, your remarks about your daughter in law being with her parents all the time made me think of it Pentasmen, not because you were unhappy with it but because it reminded me is all.