How to deal with DIL's b'day or other events?

[Barbie]

Hi Mary,
My DIL is catholic and she didn't let us see our first and only GD for 6 mos. When she was first born, we traveled 3 1/2 hrs. to see her for a couple of hours and drove back home the same day because her mom was already there, my 88 year old father went with us, (his first great grandchild) it didn't make a diference. We bought GD's bedroom furniture among other things. DIL doesn't really say much to us, she speaks through our son who has been very disrespectful to me in the past. My son and I were very close and I thought I was going to die, my husband didn't want to have anything to do with them either, she also comes from a very dysfuctinal family, she's the most normal one of all. I'm not really sure what happened for DS to let us back into their lives, we're still walking on eggshells so who knows, it may not last. These women don't seem to care or appreciate anything you do for them or GC, it's their way or the highway. Stick around, you'll get lots of good advice, support and understanding here.

[cocobars]

Good advice.  Guest1 is so kind, but just gave the best advice with so much understanding behind it.  Guest1 - is a very wise woman!

We all give advice here.  We are not experts and don't get our feelings hurt when our advice isn't taken.  As I said before, I don't have the experience to respond to this, but many other women here do.  I think you are in good hands here, even if you are taking advice from someone without the Jewish background!  Chickie and guest1 both have the experience and understanding in this area that I may be lacking in.  That's what I feel you need, and I don't feel your situation is cultural or religious.  I believe your situation has alot to do with control.

You will get many opinions on this site.  While some have the experience to talk about the issues you have with your DS and DIL, I just don't - but, I know you are in very capable and understanding/experienced hands.

Hang in there and take care of you and yours!

[Marilyn]

Hi Mary,my DIL is not Jewish,and acts just like this.She followed me out of their home one time when i was leaving and attacked me.She started screaming at me,said i disrespected her wishes,she did not want me to come visit.I said my son called and wanted me to come.She started shaking her head,and said no he didn't want me there,he just feels sorry for you, because i live alone.My son had told me about a job,and took me to put in an application.And she SCREAMED i told you if you were going to move here you better do it before we had kids.I was in shock!!! I said i don't understand,thats my son.........she said BUT HE IS MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!..........my son had no idea she said this.He called about a week later,wanting me to come back the next week.I explained to him very calmly what she said.............she denied it.

All about control,she is a piece of work!!!!

[Marilyn]

Renny,i agree you need some really good come backs!!!!
I'm going to think on this for you,maybe i can come up with a few.

You need to hold your head high,when you are around them.If they ask you if you got a job yet,you could just smile,and ask, why do you need to know?

[Hope]

Yes, originally, it sounded good. I like the fact, of speaking up. But, I think I just need some good and firm ways of answering their bully remarks and uncaring questions.

Like I said, if I don't get a visit at least, between now and then, I will take over a gift a day before GC's b'day. I will not let them see me that upset. That is their goal. That is how they operate. The worst, is seeing my GC turn into them. Boy, that has gotta make them "proud." They have 3 other GC and 3 other "adult" children--and it almost seems like my son's wife is their favorite?

My friend, had a good expression knowing how I worry about things; before making a decision, always "give it one more day." I'll have more days (hopefully) to ponder. But, friend's idea, was to ease an impulse to act in haste.

Right now, I still feel compelled to go to GC's party. But, I know as it draws near, I will remember how much things have changed. She isn't the bubbly girl I knew. Her mother may not even realize the change. I do.

It is all a bully mentality. It is like getting "beat up" with every round. If none will have respect, then I go ahead of time, and give gift or have son come here. I will not walk into an ambush.

Renny,
I am always at a loss when it comes to how to react to bullies, but I had a couple thoughts as I read your posts.  First of all, your DIL wouldn't act toward you as she does if she hadn't been brought up that way - and knowing that her family speaks to you in like is proof.  This type of behavior is very low class and it's so sad to know that your gc is exposed to it.  My suggestion:  you could forego the party and think of an activity that your gc loves (if you aren't sure, you could ask a child around the same age what the craze is right now) and invite them to go out with you alone before their birthday and give them their gift while you are at your outing.  I wouldn't want to be ridiculed by anyone - and I wouldn't want my gc to be witness to disrespect toward me.  If you do decide to go to the party, I really like Mominwaiting's suggestion of asking 'why do you need to know?' when they ask you rude questions.  If they ask about your job again, you could say "why - do you know someone hiring a good worker?".  I've also been told that if someone puts you on the spot by asking you an intrusive question, you can always answer "I don't know".  Your son is being put in a very difficult situation - outnumbered by the mob - but I think he must be feeling sick over the treatment you are getting (even if he doesn't let it show).  You are a much better mother than your DIL's mother - you would never have approved of such despicable behavior from your own child, much less taught them to behave this way through example.  You should be proud of yourself for doing what is right!

[renny97]

Thanks, from my heart, Hope, Coco, MIW, Scoop, and Carmexx, and others. That meant a lot to me.

I am leaning towards Hope's idea of foregoing the party. I don't want my GC to witness them attacking me more than what they've taught her already.

I shouldn't have to prepare for verbal battle at what should be a special day for GC. It started to get "ugly" at the last one. The in-laws drank, the night before. The FIL, made sure I heard this, too. GC's b'day was on a Sunday, so in-laws didn't go to "church." 
So, FIL, is running his mouth..."Oh, I got up at 9am and that was a nice party, a good time was had by all." I was just thinking, "wow, ya got dysfunctional in-laws that are now hungover."  Oh, that is "great." Then, the GC is sitting on his lap and I thought how disgusting--the irony.

There is no scrutiny of him? I cannot and don't want to even imagine what or who they trashed when they were already trashed....and, I do what?

I think they have got through to son. It is easier for him. He's never spoke to me, like he did when I finally told him how they treat me. Not the reaction I expected. The tide is changing.

His wife is messed up from her parents, but none of them see what is going on? I actually think I probably did speak up too late. I may be reading more into the conversation, but it was like, "whatdya want me to do"? "I am already brainwashed." "I believe what they tell me now." "These are just people that joke." After his initial anger, he calmed down, and got a few more details of what I am being called and by who. He never liked fighting of any kind. I realize, that he is so deeply into a situation--he may not know what else to do.

I cannot put into words, the horrible feeling I get around those people. It is like stories where something goes wrong later, and then, everyone asked what the signs were?

So, I think at this point, I need to stay waaay away. I can't wait, for sick people to get well. It works for them. It doesn't for me. All while they proclaim God and family. Gee, Ren? Don't want to sign up for this? 


Here is a poem, I think of when I see what they are doing to GC's attitude:
Author: Unknown.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE TAUGHT

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade.
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!

[2chickiebaby]

I'm so sorry, Anna!!!  I have thought and heard many times that the "stranger danger" thing is good in some ways but in reality, it is a stranger who usually is the one a child should run to when in trouble.

I don't know where you draw the line with kids of today. It's a sad way to exist.   

[cocobars]

Oh Anna, I hope those babysteps can walk a little faster for you and your GK's.  Do you think something might have happened to DIL growing up that makes her act this way?

[2chickiebaby]

yes, Anna, that explains a lot!  She really is a troubled young woman.  I don't understand why she treats you the way she does except she might be afraid of anyone with her child.  She has no idea of trust in any way.  Things like her life rob you of that. Heart is too wounded.

[cocobars]

Anna, the "mother's hand" story was traumatic, but not that bad really.  The same thing happened to me growing up, but I did it on a ship while we were all standing in line wearing life-jackets.  I was only 4 at the time and was just embarassed.  At that age, the "hand" looked the same as my mother's.  LOL!  Didn't look up until the "hand" tugged at my hand?

The rest of that story did so much damage to her!  I agree with Chickie.  She may not be able to let go of her insecurities without counselling and very hard work and tears on her part.  Has she gotten help?  If not, then this might be something for your husband to discuss with your son (since he's the only mouth they hear).  Be careful though that your son doesn't tell her where the idea came from.  It may destroy her already limited trust.  This is something that is up to your son to talk over (and through) with her.  People and animals both suffer when it comes to abandonment.  My loving dog (coco) had been abandoned when I first got her.  It took me a year (without working out of the house) to work through it with her.  She literally lost her mind and tore up the house (pooped all over too) if I went out the door - even for 5 minutes.  I'm not saying your DIL is a dog, but she still has those insecurities coming from that.  It's one of the reasons (just one) that I won't get involved again.  Because of the abandonment, I am not sure I would be trusting again, so I don't believe I am good for anyone.  I won't take anyone "down" with me, but I love my solitude since I've gotten used to it and have learned so many things from it.  I wouldn't be who I am without all the experiences I've had and I believe that we have these experiences for a purpose.  She just has to come to terms with it. It's going to be hard for her, but she's still young enough to do it.

[cocobars]

Thank you Anna.  You are too!  I can see the kind person you have become through your words, and no, life is not kind to us always.  We can grow from the bad things that happen and become more caring adults, but it's hard to do that and there are things that still bother me too, as you say they do you! I hope she will get to that place where she see's you for who you are and trusts you, realizing that you are NOT her mother and don't deserve to pay her mother's "price."  I can hope and pray that she get's help of some kind, but if she doesn't then someone will reach out and touch her heart to open it again.  You just never know. 

I'm praying for good things Anna!  I know you are too!  And I hope someday you will post your story here too!  With all the pain included so you can see what a true miracle you are!  I'm sure you know it now.  There was something healing about writing that story here.  It's a pretty simple story (or I felt that at the time).  I really had to think about it and relive it to write it down like that.  I saw some good things about me in it, I didn't see before.  That's healing and a miracle in itself!  I believe you have the same miracle inside you.  I've read your words and have watched your loving concern for a friend here!  I would love to know your story!

[renny97]

I am sorry for your past trauma, Anna. It would seem if your DIL would trust anyone, it would be you. You said she "didn't think she had a problem" and therefore, no counseling. Why did she forget sobbing in your arms? No problem?

I think many of us were injured by a betrayal or even neglect as a child and do the best we can. How that impacts us, is complex. Some, take it out on others, and some, keep inside and find difficult to trust, and chronically depressed.

If you grow up in a home that was chaos for whatever reason it becomes "normal." Children think that everyone else is going through the same experiences.

It becomes very difficult to allow anyone into their lives. I am wondering if some DILs actually want to reach out, but are afraid.  People, in general, after being emotionally wounded, get defensive and protective of self. It may not even be about the MIL. It could be about the childhood gone wrong.

Almost like an alcoholic, there is no logical explanation for the continuing behavior at the cost of lives. It is so blatant to others, that did not grow up in their household. I often wondered, if my childhood upbringing had anything to do with how I related to others later...

[Pen]

It's very complicated, isn't it? What a tangle of past traumas and perceived or real hurts we find ourselves in. We all bring something to these relationships. I know things from my childhood affect how I deal with others, including DIL. I'm hyper-aware of being judged and found lacking, and I go right back in time (and childhood was a looong time ago, so that's some feat!)

I'm envious of DIL & her family's closeness because of something that went wrong in mine. It's not her fault that my parents didn't cherish me or stick together to give us a strong foundation, so I need to stop being angry at her for that. However, she owns the rudeness and mean comments towards us as well as her efforts in keeping DS away. I own how it affects me when she behaves like that.

Wow, "lightbulb moment!" Thanks, Wise WoMen!

[cocobars]

It's very complicated, isn't it? What a tangle of past traumas and perceived or real hurts we find ourselves in. We all bring something to these relationships. I know things from my childhood affect how I deal with others, including DIL. I'm hyper-aware of being judged and found lacking, and I go right back in time (and childhood was a looong time ago, so that's some feat!)

I'm envious of DIL & her family's closeness because of something that went wrong in mine. It's not her fault that my parents didn't cherish me or stick together to give us a strong foundation, so I need to stop being angry at her for that. However, she owns the rudeness and mean comments towards us as well as her efforts in keeping DS away. I own how it affects me when she behaves like that.

Wow, "lightbulb moment!" Thanks, Wise WoMen!

Oh my! Thank you too penstamen!  What beautiful and honest wording.  I hope you will put this in the inspiration folder.  This is a very good thing to refer back to and we can all use that!

We need a smiley face that looks like a light bulb!

[Marilyn]

Renny,i ran across a book today while looking at abuse web sites.


You can't say that to me

By: Suzette Haden Elgin Ph.P

"Gentle Art of Verbal self-defense"

It might be helpful for you