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How to deal with DIL's b'day or other events?

Started by renny97, February 21, 2010, 08:25:20 AM

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renny97

My wise woman sister, Coco. Yes, would need to be fine-tuned. But, I am way outnumbered over there...I may have to step it up, just to survive and keep my "happy face."

Barbie



cocobars

February 22, 2010, 03:39:33 PM #18 Last Edit: February 22, 2010, 03:54:55 PM by cocobars
Quote from: renny97 on February 22, 2010, 12:59:13 PM
My wise woman sister, Coco. Yes, would need to be fine-tuned. But, I am way outnumbered over there...I may have to step it up, just to survive and keep my "happy face."
Renny, you are too funny!  I really understand your feelings and I would be sooooooo tempted to write down everything they say.  I might even do that if they really got nasty, or pull out a little recording device - even if it's broken (HAHA!)  It's a funny thought to begin with.  Your treatment over there is bent on cruel and I think it would be the funniest thing to call them on it!  I'm not sure I would be able to carry it through, because what effect would it have.  Your darned if you do and also if you don't.  I'm just afraid their dislike of you would be brought out to your son, who (looking like a deer in the headlamps) wouldn't understand how that sweet old mother of his never did something like that before??  It could go either way. 

Being that I haven't been put in that position (yet), I wouldn't know how I would react...

But I think guest1 would like to be invited! ;D

If you can bring someone with guest1 or Scoop's humor with you, then I think you could have a great time in spite of them! ;)

And your son could look like this - :o, only with a smile!! Your GC too!  Now that's a support system...

Barbie

Coco, you're absolutely right. I would never stoop to their level. It was just a funny thought after what we are put through we deserve a good laugh once in a while.

renny97

Yes, originally, it sounded good. I like the fact, of speaking up. But, I think I just need some good and firm ways of answering their bully remarks and uncaring questions.

Like I said, if I don't get a visit at least, between now and then, I will take over a gift a day before GC's b'day. I will not let them see me that upset. That is their goal. That is how they operate. The worst, is seeing my GC turn into them. Boy, that has gotta make them "proud." They have 3 other GC and 3 other "adult" children--and it almost seems like my son's wife is their favorite?

My friend, had a good expression knowing how I worry about things; before making a decision, always "give it one more day." I'll have more days (hopefully) to ponder. But, friend's idea, was to ease an impulse to act in haste.

Right now, I still feel compelled to go to GC's party. But, I know as it draws near, I will remember how much things have changed. She isn't the bubbly girl I knew. Her mother may not even realize the change. I do.

It is all a bully mentality. It is like getting "beat up" with every round. If none will have respect, then I go ahead of time, and give gift or have son come here. I will not walk into an ambush.





cocobars

Renny, your friends advice is wise.  Somtimes things are funny to think about, but may not work on your behalf.  It sounds like you have already worked out "how to deal" in a good way, listening to this advice.  I wouldn't want to see you hurt more. 

But the recording was a funny thought and you had some people here in stitches (including me)!  Everyone here has so much hurt that it's good for our souls to laugh!  Thank you for that!

Take care of you!  And keep us posted. :)

Carmexx

Is there a possibility for a confrontation? These people sound very agressive and should be able to handle it.

Not that I'm much of a good advice giver when it comes to IL situations, but any time I have adult students who resort to snide comments or rude behavior in the classroom, I'll tell them, "I sense a lot of hostility coming from you. Is there any thing you want to say? Have I offended you in some way? If not, then I need you to stop making comments under your breath or making jokes because it brings the  morale in the class down."

I know it is easier said than done, but I'm just wondering if that is an option.

cocobars

February 23, 2010, 05:00:31 AM #23 Last Edit: February 23, 2010, 05:38:02 AM by cocobars
Carmexx,
Wow!  Good idea and perfect wording!  I hope Renny comes in and sees this. 

This idea might actually work if presented in such a tactfull way.  It will make them think, but also puts their behavior back on them so they have to explain themselves!  I don't think I would call it confrontation.  I don't know what to call it, but I think of confrontation in a more negative way.  Your wording is not negative at all, but more questioning...  The "morale" in the classroom isn't in question with Renny's situation, but the morale in the family is (polite way of pointing out the mentality, although I'm not sure people who do these things are smart enough to get that).  Do you have a suggestion for wording regarding the family, as opposed to the classroom?

Carmex, we need you here with your ideas and perceptions.  You may have just given Renny some peace of mind, she hasn't seen in a long time.  We have all been sitting here knocking our heads together, because Renny has been feeling as though she has no control over this situation.  Renny, correct me if I wrong, and you just came through and said something that very well may work here in wonderful ways for Renny!  The additional gift here is that Renny will feel more in control of her treatment and these statements point out that she is not being respected in a calm and tactful way!

Thank you, "VERY" wise woman!  It is obvious you are truly a teacher and a Professor and we have so much to learn from you!

Feel that!  Hear that!  It's me patting your back hard, but I hope it doesn't hurt!   ;D

Scoop

Renny - give us examples of what they say and we'll help you come up with comebacks that are JUST on this side of "the line".


mary

I am far from a prejudiced person and only ask this to see if other people in interfaith - intercultural son/DIL situations have the same issues my husband and myself do?  For many years I thought I was told by all I was the MIL from heaven; DIL was rude but I lived with it for son.  But an issue came up which showed how controlling she was - and my son, after telling me how much he loved me as always because he watched her treat my husband and I like controllable idiots (" You will respect our wishes You will do as you are told") and finally our giving up, now controls us by not allowing us to see our new grandchild.  My DIL is Jewish; we have respected her religion; attended all of the religious holiday; even had some of the ceremonies here in our house - I bought all of the Jewish items we needed for the rituals.  Then she changed.  And my son is going along with it  - she is his wife and we would not expect him to do otherwise.  But all I do is cry; my doctor says it is affecting my heart and is cruel. We saw the baby for one hour two times after travelling for hours.  She is from a very dysfunctional family; there is a lot of divorce, etc.  She had birth control pills when she was 15 which she is very proud of.  Is this typical (this controlling aspect) of Jewish people or families?  Our family is torn apart; they have killed me; my husband wants nothing to do with them.  I have figured my son, who was the light of my life, is gone from me.  Tell me, is this typical?


cocobars

Quote from: mary on February 23, 2010, 10:01:47 AM
I am far from a prejudiced person and only ask this to see if other people in interfaith - intercultural son/DIL situations have the same issues my husband and myself do?  For many years I thought I was told by all I was the MIL from heaven; DIL was rude but I lived with it for son.  But an issue came up which showed how controlling she was - and my son, after telling me how much he loved me as always because he watched her treat my husband and I like controllable idiots (" You will respect our wishes You will do as you are told") and finally our giving up, now controls us by not allowing us to see our new grandchild.  My DIL is Jewish; we have respected her religion; attended all of the religious holiday; even had some of the ceremonies here in our house - I bought all of the Jewish items we needed for the rituals.  Then she changed.  And my son is going along with it  - she is his wife and we would not expect him to do otherwise.  But all I do is cry; my doctor says it is affecting my heart and is cruel. We saw the baby for one hour two times after travelling for hours.  She is from a very dysfunctional family; there is a lot of divorce, etc.  She had birth control pills when she was 15 which she is very proud of.  Is this typical (this controlling aspect) of Jewish people or families?  Our family is torn apart; they have killed me; my husband wants nothing to do with them.  I have figured my son, who was the light of my life, is gone from me.  Tell me, is this typical?
Mary, welcome!  And no, I do not believe this is typical.  I do not know that much about the Jewish religion, but from what I remember (old Jewish boyfriend) the women in these families take a "lesser" role and the men control the family environment, belief systems, activities., etc...  Maybe my experience is limited, but I would look more to her dysfunctional upbringing, than the Jewish religion in general.  I actually had a very compatible relationship with that BF's mother.  Maybe My experience was different, but I would tend to believe it is NOT a cultural thing, but a controlling thing!

There are dysfunctional people not matter what religion, or race we come from.  They may make it appear as though it is a cultural thing sometimes, but I don't believe it.  AND - I could very well be wrong, because of inexperience in this area.

I would be interested in hearing what others have to say about this.

renny97

Good afternoon,
I really appreciate all the help with my situation.

I think Carmexx has some helpful ways for me to start to cope with this in a direct, but somehow "tactful" way. I do not want to come across like I am upset, but giving some of that "love" back  ;). Being a sitting duck, got me nowhere. I need to speak up, that is clear. Now, I need a good verbal or psychological way to stand up.

Scoop, the FIL will come into the house for the first time for a GC's party, and instead of greeting me, he asks, "Have ya got a job yet?"  And, yet, he keeps walking through the house to the kitchen. It is these low-class whammies, that just come outta the blue. I am only working part-time and I am sure he's been told about my job search and my situation now.
They aim at my weaknesses. So, that might be a good point to remember in "serving" the rally. My later thought, was just asking him back, "Why?" or "Yeah, my full-time JOB is to mind my own business." Go just far enough.

The MIL commented that I bought an expensive gift for GC's b'day. Anything would be, after they bought her a coloring book. I say that, only because she made that comment. Both her parents, seem to be keeping an eye on my financial endeavors??? Again, why? They cannot discuss anything but monetary issues? I know, their "love" should be enough?  ::)

The thing that annoys me, is that they "try" to ignore me, and then, when they do say anything, it is insulting or nosy or negative. They don't even lead into it, it is just "wham." They may pass me or whisper like DIL did that time. I think now, that DIL whispered because she didn't want her family to think she was in on their bashing. She was a "good" DIL. As my GC repeated, "I didn't do anything to her." My GC, had a way of just bringing up things she overheard and not even realizing what she was hearing. GC also asked me, "G, do you think you are "hot"? Whaaa? I was doing an accent like I did when we used to have tea parties. And, she just looked at me and I was shocked. Someone is telling her "I" think I am "it"? During the long and tortuous visits when I tried to keep my mouth shut.

Another friend reminded me that, "Two people can both say nothing; one that talks all the time and one who is quiet."

cocobars

Mary, I'm going out on a limb here and saying something that is against my grain.  If this is affecting your heart, it may be time to let go out of self preservation, and I know you don't want to do that because it is so upsetting to you.  If your son loves you as he says, and your DIL is absolutely controlling like she sounds, then he may be staying in this relationship because of your GC (his son).  He may not be telling you this, if you raised him to be open-minded and a loving and responsible adult.  He can't go against what his wife says right now.  This relationship (to me) has all the indications of having an expiration date stamped on it. 

If my feelings are right, you will have your son back someday, without the heart conditions, and he may be a much sadder but wiser son in this process.  But that may make him stronger in his future choices. 

I'm sorry, and I hope I don't upset you or anyone else by saying this.  It's just my feelings and I have been wrong before and will be wrong again.  I hope I am.  In the meantime, please come here and post your concerns.  There are so many other women here on this site who may have more experience with this cultural background than me. 

I would suggest you write up your own post about this.  You can get instructions in "Forum Support."  It's just like writing an email.  You may even want to copy and past your post above to start your original posting with.  I feel my opinion isn't all that is "out there," and you may get very different perspectives on this.  I would hope that you hear from a Jewish MIL who can help you more than anyone else to understand this situation.

This is a very touchy subject, but I believe it's well worth getting more opinions than just mine...

Again, we are not experts, but simply MIL's who walked through this door in allot of pain - like you.  We give our support and understanding, and will love you to death!  This is a very healing place here, and I hope by creating your own post, you will receive "hope" in the form of a more experienced reply...

2chickiebaby

Dear Mary,
I'm not Jewish but this is typical of SOME DILs....not all.  Mine said to me, "you're trying to control me and you're not going to get away with it" before my son even married her.

This was because I asked my son if he was going to his really good friend's bachelor party?  He said, "no".

I couldn't believe it and said, "you're not??? You're not going to Sam's bachelor party???"

That's when she said what she said to me. 

Some of them are just like that, no matter the religion.   It does affect your heart; it breaks it.