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Lonely on Christmas Eve/Day

Started by justanoldgrandma, November 11, 2011, 07:33:11 am

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Ok, a bit early, but need to make plans.  We do get to have one sibling and family at our house for Thanksgiving!  yay!

We will celebrate Christmas later at a relative's house and everyone will be there.  I have grateful for that.  But since the boys got engaged/married dh and I always spend Eve and Day by ourselves and it will never change...... the girls always wins, I'm told, and will always be with their own families (too far to see both families) and we aren't invited to attend theirs, esp. w the distance factor so I've just accepted it; I mentioned it once and was told I was throwing pity party...... so I don't have a daughter so.....

We'll still do a tree and gifts and all, for ourselves. 

I have had lots of suggestions of serving dinners at Sal. Army, churches (these dinners in our area are always held a few days before so we plan to do that but Eve/Day are still vacant ) and also to invite single people over or friends; we just don't have any that don't have family/friends to be with. 

So... am going to get dh to plan an Eve and Day out...... away from home bc knowing myself, i feel alone and neglected and think too much of the past and missing the kids/gkids, etc.  DH and I are fine in our relationship but he, too, gets lonely for the family.   Don't feel much like fixing big dinner for the two of us.  Or running to town for a buffet dinner and going home.....

I think the gift I'm asking for will be to stay at some resort for a night; see a show/eat out, enjoy the decorations; not sitting by the phone waiting for phone calls from family....... never tried this but don't want to be the Poor Me any more....


What a good idea, justanoldgrandma!

Find somewhere swanky, I don't know the part of the country you're in (and you don't have to say if you don't want to.) But I have a list of all the fancy resorts I wanna visit for a night lol.  I think you'll have a good time.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


We're in the same situation - two sons and holidays - well, you know.  This year Christmas is on a Sunday so one thing we will be doing is attending a church service.  I always love Christmas on a Sunday - at least one does not have to be alone.  And it is difficult to be sad singing beautiful Christmas carols (and as the saying goes - Jesus is the Reason for the Season).  I expect my elderly father will come for Christmas dinner - maybe another elderly relative - not a Norman Rockwell Christmas, but it'll be fine.


How about a Chistmas Cruise?

I know what you are saying, I think most women here have an understanding of the holiday blues. I keep saying to myself that there are alot of people that do not have children or families and somehow that makes me feel better- to know that I am not the only one without family around. It is so common that all of the shelters have more volunteers then they can use. Some people do not even have a DH/DW. So take your DH for the holiday gettaway and enjoy-don't think about what everyone else ais doing.


Great idea!

A couple of years we took our sons up to a local ski resort to snowboard on Christmas day.  A lot of people go out to have fun on that day!  We've gone to movies on Christmas before and it's always packed.
Have fun!

lancaster lady

I have no expectations for Christmas Day !
I know my DS and his family will be at her FOO , I didn't even bother to ask , after last year .
My other DS lives too far to visit between working days , and my own siblings are busy with their own
families .My DD will be with myself and DH , and our pooch ! We WILL have fun
It's just one day out of a whole year , there are so many less fortunate homeless people
who have to face far worse everyday !
We are the lucky ones .


If I can generate a bit of your attitude I'll be doing well at Christmas, LL :)

It's hard for me to stop comparing our little Christmas (DH, me & DDD) with what will go on at DS's ILs, my faraway sib's, or my DF & SM's. DH likes to stay home & DDD doesn't have more than a day or two with us, so traveling to a festive locale is out. We'll figure out something - yup, we WILL have fun, lol!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

Pen :

The three of us will be thinking of the three of you :)
It's something I have just accepted , I thought about it and decided's just another day .
I will try and have a few friends round just before Christmas , and that will keep me happy .
I need to have someone to decorate the house for , last year being my GD's first Christmas , we went
a bit OTT with lights etc ....of course , she never got to see them !
I'll tone it down this year , well maybe


I wish we could all meet at a beautiful country inn somewhere with a roaring fire, a wonderful meal and a nice bottle of wine. If I owned a B&B I would absolutley offer "a  Christmas Package".  At this point I wish I could skip the whole thing, ???


A few years I have been in another part of the country to avoid all of this. One year I was in a tent in Florida and it was 30 sister, bless her heart, somehow found the campground and the owner called me to say he had something for me and there was a beautiful plant from my sis.  I spent Christmas Day with the manatees and that was glorious to see them swimming and the steam rising in the cold air.  One of my most memorable holidays. 

The hard part is making the alternate plan because I am always expecting the dream to happen...a call saying "we want you to be here with us, etc."  I realize that is not going to happen. 

I agree about the ski places--even if you don't ski there is such good energy there and it could be any day.  Driving around to see decorations is also a lot of fun and can take up a lot of time with some good music blasting on the radio. 

Like someone else said, it's really only a couple of days to get through. 

One thing I have done, and I can say it here because nobody knows me, is to put money in envelopes with "Random Act of Kindness" written on the front and leave envelopes in places in a park or public place (sometimes I have left them on car windshields) where people will find them.  I love going back to see the envelopes (or cars) are gone and wondering what people think when they open them.  Warms my heart.

Good wishes for a lovely holiday, regardless of who you are with or not with.   
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)


Lots of good ideas here. I'm getting inspired to do good things for those less fortunate and to spoil DH, DD & myself with a few extra special gourmet items and a lovely, if low-key, atmosphere. We can do this!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I love your plans to make it special with your DH!  My Grandparents did this once all of their children had their own families.  One child had moved across the country and the other two had small children and never seemed to make it over on Christmas.  Grandma solved this by always hosting a big family event the week before and everyone always made sure to be there.  Some even started bringing their ILs to our family Christmas.  I was shocked when I found out later that some of my favorite uncles were actually my uncle's BILs! LOL! But the best part was one year when I asked my Grandfather if he and Grandma ever felt lonely on Christmas.  He told me that these were the best Christmases.  Kids grow up and have families of their own and then you get to spend all those special days with the one you chose to grow old with.  He said that being with Grandma was all he ever wanted for Christmas, and he got it every year!


JDTM, as a former every Sunday churchgoer, I wish I could go to services on Christmas with you!  DH is a believer in God but wasn't raised going to church (it made their poor family feel less adequate and poorly dressed, I think); and by the time I met dh I was on my own and wasn't a regular churchgoer myself, so going to church wasn't even talked of.   

Later, I took the kids to church myself, wanting them to know of Jesus, and also participated in church activities which made dh feel lonely, I know; (he attended when the kids had parts in the service) but he feels so uncomfortable in the church I attended (the snob factor ((I am looking now for a more congenial church but the habit of not going for him probably won't change and I don't nag him))........with the kids out of the house now I have stopped going to the snob church (it was good for the kids though with good youth activities, the reason I chose the church to begin with.....

I didn't mean this to be a post on religion/church! but I know part of the reason I feel lonely at Christmas is because although I plan to attend church other than on Eve or Day with a friend to feel Christmas and am considering making her church one I'll go to regularly, I will miss the being in church on the Day or Eve.  I know leaving dh to go would make him feel lonely as he wouldn't go...... maybe someday if I find a friendly church he feels comfortable in......

I do know that many people find the loneliness of not having children/gc and other relatives for Christmas (we will have no relatives/friends/neighbors to be with at all but I am fortunate to have dh) is found in church and its members and being in activities connected to the church and in other organizations.  One lady I know who is in a similar situation w a "cold" dil and passive ds has found a family w/o a good FOO  to whom she can give her affection.


Long-winded here; I do admire the "random acts of kindness talked about here"..... a Christmas and other times of year blessing.

I kept rereading cpr's (?) comment about grandpa and grandma having Christmas a week early every year bc somehow no one can come on Christmas Eve or Day.  I'm glad Grandpa loves wife so much that he doesn't miss the kids/gks/ggkids and it's generous to invite the ILs.  It's a good tradition.

However, I, being the one who hasn't had any kid/gk/other relative for Christmas at our house for several years, seeing some of them a couple of weeks before at bil's house instead bc of convenience/distance and that dil's FOO and good friends have it locked in for eternity, not exaggerating, I'm wondering how many years it took for grandma, perhaps, to realize that she had better join 'em than fight 'em.  Why couldn't occasionally the gang be at their house instead of at other FOO's (if she and grandpa had wanted this?)

Perhaps the grands just gave in or didn't care in the first place when the kids said, hey, we'll be at so and so's...... and maybe the grands do enjoy being just them for the day....... maybe someday I'll be able to feel that way but not now; the kids haven't been away long enough for me to be used to not seeing them on the holidays, I miss the gc's Christmas wonder, and although I love dh dearly and he is a great Santaspirit to me, it still feels like being left out..... forgotten.  DH and I always alternated when our parents were alive so that no one on either side was alone at the holidays....... this one-sided thing is foreign to me.  But already had the talk, got told...... so guess I'll need to be cpr's grands.


Re: church and xmas

In the past, when the children were young, spending xmas with former dh in another state, and soon after they left home when they were older, I used to go church hopping on xmas eve.  It was really fun checking out the different xmas celebrations.  There was usually about three I could squeeze in, finishing up with the midnight mass.  I loved singing the xmas caroles, the smell of the xmas trees, and decorations were beautiful, people smiling and happy....just wonderful. 

I live in a more rural area this year, but might try it out - good way to get to know the churches in the area too.  They usually have their best music at that time too.   :-*