My Story with my MIL

[Carmexx]

Yes, this is true. I know her loss of independence has been very difficult for her.  I really do think that plays a big part combined perhaps with some sort of depression and learned helplessness. I know she had a tough past and I'm sure that contributes to her feeling and acting this way. I try to keep that in mind when she acts like this, but if only she would openly communicate then we could dicuss these things.

My husband has tried several times to talk to her and figure out what she is feeling, but she will never talk back and express what she feels, sometimes only doing so once it is all over. Or, she will call her oldest son and tell him, and he will then tell his wife (who happens to be my sister), and that is how I will find this stuff out. I wish she would be assertive and just tell me what she is feeling so that I could at least understand. Sometimes it is a big miscommunication that upsets her, and she simmers in anger not knowing that if she just brought it up we could clear the air and explain what really happened. Other times she is mad at someone else and we just don't know, so we can't try to understand her.

I do think us living separately would help. She goes off most weekends to be with a friend, and it is such a respite for us. I'm sure it is one for her as well.

[cocobars]

Well, you never know.  Maybe her weekend friend will rent her a room there.  I wouldn't know how to go about suggesting that though.  Anyone have ideas?

[tillykilly]

not sure penstamen if controlling is how this actually maybe for this mil but there must have been independence somewhere in her life...was the home originally the mil, interesting to know how and why mil is sharing and living...maybe usurped...i think since all these factors are based around the mil living with son and his wife, and not something i consider a good start for young marrieds and families, for all the obvious reasons and as above, i wonder why she actually is...what is the underlying reason, if we knew that perhaps they could all move forward, or out, as the case maybe.x

[Carmexx]

not sure penstamen if controlling is how this actually maybe for this mil but there must have been independence somewhere in her life...was the home originally the mil, interesting to know how and why mil is sharing and living...maybe usurped...i think since all these factors are based around the mil living with son and his wife, and not something i consider a good start for young marrieds and families, for all the obvious reasons and as above, i wonder why she actually is...what is the underlying reason, if we knew that perhaps they could all move forward, or out, as the case maybe.x

I think you hit the nail on the head. I doubt these same types of problems would have happened had we been living separately, so I would have known her differently. Unfortunately for all of us involved, she cannot move out completely right now. Like I said earlier, she leaves most weekends to be with her friend (or any time she doesn't care for our son), so if we put our son in child care, she will probably go stay with her friend. We can't put our son in child care yet because his pediatrician prefers we wait until flu season is over, but once we do put him in preschool, I'm sure she will go stay a while with her friend. I know she will be much happier there too.

[cocobars]

Good for you Carmexx.  If you can be gentle with her feelings, it may all work out for you.  All of you.  It sounds like you are doing that and considering everyone involved, which is so hard sometimes to do in these situations.  You are including her, but giving her some freedom which may help change her moodiness.  If she won't talk about what she is feeling, it's almost impossible to guess where she is at, but giving her some distance may be just what she needs.  By putting your son in preschool, you are creating that open door for her to find what she needs, and you will be taking care of your family at the same time (not to mention everyone's sanity).   She may feel left out at first, so you may have to reassure her that this is a very important time in your sons life where he needs the social skills and other thing he will learn in preschool to prepare for those years ahead! 

God works in mysterious ways and this timing seems perfect!  Your son is ready for bigger things, and it seems she is feeling the pull of wanting "something more" and you may be creating that space for her (and him as well).  I'm not sure that is it, but it may be something good for everyone and something you may all look back on with fondness someday.  Hindsight is sometimes beautiful, because we don't always see things when we are going through them.  Everyone will have their lives taken care of and her direction will be her own!  I believe you are doing the right thing and being very careful!  You have alot to be proud of yourself for, even if you don't feel that now.  Someday I believe you will!

This could be good!   Please keep us posted!  We like good news too, and compassionate people (like you) are welcome!

I hope you feel this big proud hug I'm sending you!

[luise.volta]

Progress!  Congrats! 

[Carmexx]

Thanks for being happy for me, Luise, and thanks for your beautiful words and hug, Coco. It truly was heart warming.

I've got to claim a little victory -my MIL has been in a great mood these last couple of days, and I have to celebrate any time I get the chance. She seems happier in general.

I know this is a cycle that comes and goes, so I no longer think the tide has turned and now everything is going to be honky dory everytime she starts acting happy, but I know I need to enjoy every time it does happen. I took advantage of her good mood and asked her is she wanted to go out to lunch with me. She declined, but it was in a nice way.

[cocobars]

What's wrong with believing it will last?  Dreams really do come true, isn't that right Luise? 

That's such good news, Carmexx!  I'm crossing my fingers, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and giggling!  This could be good!

Keep your hopes up, always...

[Carmexx]

I know I sound pessimistic, Coco, but the truth is that I think she is battling with depression, and it is not really something she can control because she doesn't want to acknowledge that is what it is. I've seen this cycle happen so many times. I used to always get my hopes really high and try to have a close relationship with her, only to get my dreams dashed a couple of days later. Then I would cry and wonder what had gone wrong.

So I finally saw the pattern, and now I know how to be happy but not super excited so that I don't get hurt again. I just enjoy it when it happens.

[cocobars]

I'm sorry Carmexx!  There is not alot you can do about other people's patterns.  I agree.  All you can do is be your own loving self.  Cry if you must and cry hard!  Then ask yourself if you really deserved that.  You didn't most of the time.  I'm only saying "most" because sometimes I did.  But that's me.  LOL!

[luise.volta]

One thing that watching her moods come and go offers you is the obvious knowledge that it isn't you. You're fine! That's often a great survival tool. And another is knowing what monsters must reside under her bed; what a horrible roller-coaster they evoke. That doesn't excuse her behavior and the carnage she leaves in her path but it sure isn't the way any of us would like to live. She can't like it either, not really. How lovely that you extended that invitation. Her loss. I'll be there (in spirit!) Just tell me where and when!!   

[cocobars]

Absolutely agreed!  You did nothing wrong!  From all you have said, I believe you are doing everything right that you can!

Keep that head up, and take care of you!  Enjoy the moments for now that are happy!  I still believe more will come...

[cocobars]

I went back through and read this again today, Carmexx.  I just want you to know that you are really a special person as a DIL and we need more of "you!"

I'm looking forward to more of your posts!  You have added a very warm intelligence here, at least for me.  I wish you the best in your situation with your MIL, and hope all works out for you.

[luise.volta]

I agree! 

[catchingup]

I dont need help with my MIL because she is" pushing up daisies" Believe you me how I wish she was still here so that I can answer her back.
You see I am older and wiser.
I promise you no one could possibly have had a more interferring  MIL than me.

She was a sergeant major in the army in WW11 and when her husband came into the room the children had to get up and say "good evening sir"
I was brought up in a home where I ran to greet and welcome my Dad home with a hug and kiss.

When we were dating my MIL did not want us to even have friends of our own age.
We had to rap with the wrinkles on week-ends.

I came in on the scene when my FIL divorced her.Bad timing.Her insecurity made her cling to her sons.

Her sons were tied to her apron strings and she seperated my BIL and his girlfriend when
she questioned why she phoned him to come home while visiting her.
Scheming DIL that I was, I lay in wait for the day we would get married and have my say.
After keeping quiet for 4 years that proved not too easy to do.

When we moved into our flat,which she had by the way chosen,--yes you guessed right too close by--She came in and measured the windows for curtains she had chosen.
Never mind the rest --the story goes on and on.

In all this I was never rude to her.I just simply kept quiet then  took it out on my husband.

After 3 years of marriage we bought our first house.I had to tell my husband not to call her and tell her because I would not live in a house that she had chosen.
She was livered after hearing that we he had not included her in the decision.

My husband and I were pen-friends and I came from a city 1600 km away so had no moral support from my own family.

I chose my own curtains in the house. Everyone liked them. Ofcourse she didn't and would not like anything else I did. Amazingly somehow she manipulated my husband to such an extent that he would not help me in the garden or allow me to do anything in the garden. She would come to our house with a plant then tell my husband where to plant it and he would just do it.

I thought well to h--- with you and tackled a part of the garden myself.
The next time she came to our house she complimented my son on the work he had done in the garden. He told her It was my handiwork. She turned round and said "What good has she ever done"

I could go on and on about the times I was stopped from doing things in my own home unless my husband had her approval and I was too young and stupid to realize he only wanted to please my MIL.

My husband told me  he wanted to paint the outside of the house. The next week-end we visited his mother and I will never forget this incident because this was the turning point. She said to him"By the way about that paint,there is a paint shop  blah blah blah.
I was livered and expressed my anger to a friend and I will always be grateful for her sound advise.
She said "No it is not your MIL fault it is yours, ypu are allowing it"

I picked up the phone--it was a Monday and hubby was at work and I said
"We have been married for 6 years and this is the last time you will ever make a decision concerning my household. This house will be painted this time next year and I will choose the paint and the colour" Not you, not your son ,or anyone else.
When hubby arrived back from work I told him what I had done.
He looked at me with a shocked look  then said"now that is the best thing you have done in the ten 10 years I have known you."

She used to walk into my home as if it was open for inspection. Treated me like one of her recruits in the army. It took years for that penny to drop.
"All tidy now she would say"

Slowly but surely I pulled that carpet out from under her. I made sure the floor was left grubby so that when she came to visit on a Sunday and made a commet I would just say"
"Sunday is a day of rest it can wait till tomorrow"

Once we had a kids party at a restaurant and the kids were all sitting at a long table away from us making a noise kids make and she raised those evil eyebrows at me that I had become so accustomed to. It was to say get them quiet.
I went over to that table and said"Now altogether guys, Why are we waiting ,Why are we waiting." She was livered. See tables turned. Rotten DIL me. She created me.

To this day I still remember the horrible things she said when I did not answer back and how I wish I had because when I did as in the above incident I just smile.Rotter that I am