Controlling dil

[Pen]

I'm still curious - in whose house is all this questioning taking place, and by whom?

[justanoldgrandma]

Wow!  I'm so happy to see so many replies!  I can't see that other MILs or DILs are replying as having the same problems so maybe it's my age (I was always way too compliant..... and I know the younger generation, for the most part, are more assertive which is good.)

Some one said:  "I agree we need the dynamics of the situation.  Because the other side is that DIL could insist that grandma be in charge of breakfast when she stays over, that grandma was babysitting (because they asked her to) and when she arrived, questioned the outfit." 

(Early on we asked if dil wants us to get up w gc, do breakfast for gc, babysit...... answer was definitely!  They do trust us and this lets them sleep in and spend time w the smaller baby.)  However, we still get the questions..... we give a blow by blow of what we fixed, how much is eaten, etc., before the questioning....

The questioning happens at their house and at ours.... more at theirs, bc of course it's assumed I know how to do my own laundry!  (I have been "instructed" several times as to how to use their washer/what kind of soap and I just go along w it as though I am the village idiot!)  I try to have a sense of humor about it as someone suggests, but dil doesn't get it...... irony and such are lost on her. 

At our house, dil does help w cooking and cleaning up, which I really appreciate; I try to have the kids' and her favorites on hand; she isn't as bossy at our house (seems to relax more at our house and I do love it that she and ds can relax at our house) but does go through the fridge and pulls out things to throw away (near expiration date) as she does that at her own family's house.  Now I do that before she comes as it's a real problem with her.  (She also has some germ issues which I do get told about, like don't use the kitchen sink although I scrub it out..... )

If these were just day visits, it would be different; we now stay just 1 or 2 nights, are asked to babysit which we enjoy a lot.  When we stay so long, though, it is hard not to ask if we can help w cleaning/laundry, etc., as it's always behind and makes dil frantic that it isn't done.  We always ask before we do anything, even changing the baby.  We try not to make her feel like we are criticizing her housekeeping and she thanks us profusely for everything we do.

I don't want to overstep at her house; I didn't ever cook meals, waiting for her menu plans (she is great about cooking while we are there) before I start helping; I ask for every instruction; then I learned that she loves to have another relative or me to go ahead and plan the meal, fix it, clean it up, as it gets so hectic when her dh comes home w the kids/she loves it if dh and I go ahead w the meal planning/fixing.  I also ask about every load of laundry I help with; usually she asks me to help so I don't feel I'm overstepping; I waited a long time before volunteering.  When things are so hectic w kids and activities, we feel lazy sitting around; we play w the gc but if we do some of the chores it frees them up to play w the kids....

The outfits; I don't dress the little girl unless I'm asked to and ask what to dress her in, as it's important to dil; it's when we are babysitting and we choose an outfit ourselves, if the blues don't match, and we are going out for burgers, that's when it happens.... as far as FB, I don't post any pics or comments of gc bc I got criticized for posting a less flattering pic (I thought it was fine), so I just don't go there......

As for a heart-to-heart, telling of my feelings, I tried that in a "I feel like" on an issue not related to the gc,  as the books instruct on a minor issue.  Did not work!  Dil got very defensive and angry and I just dropped it.  When ds has had enough, he retorts and she drops it, but with dh and me, we pretty much drop things......

I'll try some of the tips mentioned here.  I know what goes on it a family isn't my business, just the way I'm treated..... I know she has some issues from childhood of insecurity and wants perfection and gets frustrated, so I try to remember sometimes it's not me, it's blowing off steam from other frustrations.....

(The criticisms of ds I know to drop; it's hard to watch or hear, but leaving the room/ignoring it is the only way; I stick up for dil on minor issues, too....)

Anyone else have this "walking on eggshells" issue?  (BTW, time together is hard; getting out for a walk or an outing w/o dil sometimes is good.)

[Scoop]

Oh man!  JAOG you totally stepped on a sore nerve

I will never understand the "walking on eggshells" comment.  To me, everyone has to act differently depending on their "audience".  We act different if we're at home, if we're at church, if we're at the opera, or at work.  We know the quirks of the people around us and we try to accommodate them as much as possible.

When I go to my MIL's, I make the bed, to her specifications, every day.  If I don't, she'll go in and make it (or re-make it) and sigh over it.  Am I walking on eggshells over it?  No, in MIL's house, I follow MIL's rules.

Although I hate the expression "that's the way she is" for either DIL's or MIL's, I think in this case, you'd be better of practicing acceptance.  Because the saying is "If you can't practice acceptance, then you practice avoidance" and I don't think your relationship is that far gone.

The thing is, if you had a friend who was vegetarian, or who didn't eat pork, you wouldn't try and force meat or pork on them.  You would be accommodating and you would be proud of it (as well you should be).  So with DIL, you have to take into account that she's worried about germs and she REALLY cares what the kids look like.

I have a funny story for you, RE: worrying about how much was eaten ect.  Since DD was a baby (she's 7 now), I've fretted about her poop (she has problems, not big problems, but she's not allowed to eat cheese, rice and bananas in the same day!).  It came as a COMPLETE SHOCK to me when it occurred to me that eventually I won't KNOW when or if she poops.  OH MY!  Who's going to keep track?    SO maybe your DIL is focussed on the eating part (instead of the elimination part!) and she hasn't gotten to the point where she realizes that she's not in charge of what/how much they eat.

For the clothes issues, I would say that you probably don't know your DIL deeply enough to figure out her triggers.  One of my best friends lives in a rougher part of town and she's HORRIFIED that her neighbours will think she's on welfare, so she insists that her children are well dressed.  For my Mom, her Mother died when she was young, and there was a HUGE emphasis from my Gpa that Mom and Aunt were NOT to look like little orphans, so they were always well dressed.  And that colours how my Mom thinks my DD should be dressed (NOT like a little orphan).  Except, I don't fight with DD over what she wears (mostly).  So, sometimes, she looks 'different'.

If I were you, I would continue with what you're doing (because it sounds like you're doing fine) and try and change the way you think about it.  Or give up the things that bug you the most (the laundry) and focus on the things she appreciates the most (dinners).

Keep up the good work and keep coming back here to vent!  We'll listen and hopefully send you back in the ring feeling better!

[Doe]

Anyone else have this "walking on eggshells" issue?  (BTW, time together is hard; getting out for a walk or an outing w/o dil sometimes is good.)

Hey Just-
I had this issue but unfortunately, I cracked all the eggshells by tromping around with my heavy old self.  DIL was always hard for me to access and I spent my time trying to figure out how to relate to her.  I ended up asking too many questions and she ordered me to stop talking to her, to leave her alone and to find something else to do with my time. 
I think you're in an annoying situation, but over all you are blessed many times over with a relationship with DS, GKs and DIL.  I think if I had it as good as you do, I would just keep things simple and shrug off what you can.  Be thankful that you aren't all living in Somolia or somewhere where DIL wouldn't have the luxury of getting annoyed about blues matching.

[justanoldgrandma]

Yep, dil does have the perfectionistic mode about her appearance and that of her children.  I think from childhood she desired perfection in looks and clothes, etc.  It has to be hard to have everything perfect for the kids.  I guess that's why we help out so much to ease that anxiety...... (all her friends' kids look great, too.....)  I do think there's a lot in her background that bred insecurity although it doesn't show; having control makes her feel more secure.  I know to be chatty kathy around her as it is irritating to her; sometimes she can confide frustrations in me (and she gets frustrated when she can't control the behavior of her family and friends and their kids.....)

I know I can't change dil; it's changing my attitude.  Ignore what I can and not let the rest get to me; it's hard bc I have that desire to please which probably comes from being raised that way and never being the rebellious type.  (conservative acting family, everyone gets along, etc.)  And I was raised to be seen, not heard, etc.  Maybe in this case it's for the best bc a blow up on my part would ruin it all.

And I am fortunate to have the relationship I do have w the family which isn't talking on the phone close but still welcome in the house and to babysit which is huge, I know. 

I know developing some late-blooming self-esteem would be good for me in this case and in other cases, bc a lot of people could blow it all off.  As it is, it takes a couple of days to start feeling relaxed and good about myself again after a visit........

[Doe]

As it is, it takes a couple of days to start feeling relaxed and good about myself again after a visit........

Oh, I missed this part before - definitely - it sounds like your DIL gets in knots about the details.  I've known people who are very uncomfortable unless things are in a certain order. Don't take her tension personally.  She has to be a little uncomfortable in her skin if she puts these things before good relations with loved ones, imo.  Let her be uncomfortable but you don't have to take on that burden.

[jdtm]

Anyone else have this "walking on eggshells" issue?

This is a "red flag" statement.  One will see this statement often in those who work or interact with people who suffer from personality disorders.  I'm not saying this is the issue with your DiL; just be aware that maybe ...

There's a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - you might wish to google the title to see if this phrase really fits your situation.  I sure hope not ...

[pam1]

jdtm, I was just about to say that!  I liked that book a lot.

Justanoldgrandma, I think it's great you understand about her background -- I can see why she is controlling with a childhood like that.  I also agree with Scoop that we do have to change for our audience and it's a part of life to monitor how we are with each individual.

However, I think since it upsets you, than something needs to be done.  Perhaps reading the book jdtm suggested, lots of good advice in there.  And I'm glad you're taking the tips posters offered here. 

[Kate123]

My DS And DIL, in their 30's, are trying very hard to do everything right. I think maybe they go overboard a bit but I keep my mouth shut. For instance, the food is very controlled, which I understand to an extent. I almost got in big trouble when I said I would take the GC to McDonalds when I was babysitting. You would have thought I was suggesting to give them poison, maybe in their eyes I was. I see what seems many errors in their ways, but I know their heart is in the right place so I go along. I think I was the same way at their age, thought I knew what I was doing. Only hindsight is 20/20.

[Pen]

Scoop, I understand what you mean about walking on eggshells. I agree that our behavior is different with others all the time, so why do we have a problem "watching it" with our DILs?

For me, the problem is that now I'm also "watching it" around DS, with whom I used to have a fun, open, worry-free relationship. I can't be myself w/DS when DIL is there because she is so critical. Her FOO has not had to adjust similarly to accomodate DS, because he doesn't criticize them.

So in essence, DS is more of an aquaintance to us now, while DIL is still a member of her FOO. I was not prepared for this.

[pam1]

justanoldgrandma, I forgot to mention to you above when you said you didn't see anyone on the board having these problems.  I do with MIL/SIL.  They question every move everyone makes.  I know how you feel.

[Doe]

So in essence, DS is more of an aquaintance to us now, while DIL is still a member of her FOO. I was not prepared for this.

I get this.  I'm starting to think of DS as my daughter-in-law's husband more than as my own dear son. 

[tryingmybest]

Right there with you. When DIL's have problems with their husband's family it's easy to say "let him deal with his people" what in the world do we do when during every interaction with our DIL she looks bored, and miserable. DS jumps in to the point of awkwardness to try and bridge the gap but it is so obvious she just doesn't want to be around us and resents every minute she has to be. She even seems to resent being around DS. However they spend every week-end and all holidays with her FOO, and they love DS because he's a personable nice guy. What I would give for a DIL that made one tiny bit of an effort! I know the worst thing I can do right now is get angry and show it, but boy keeping this relationship on the positive side is exhausting, when all I WANT to do is look her right in the eye and say "What is your problem!"

[justanoldgrandma]

I totally get this one from a poster: "However they spend every week-end and all holidays with her FOO, and they love DS because he's a personable nice guy."  I admit freely my jealousy bc dil's FOO is so huge w constant celebrations and ours is so small with little going on; however, our house is the "b and b" house w us pampering ds and family, quiet so the babies can sleep and ds and dil, too...... we don't even try to compete; it's two different worlds.  I have heard dil say she gets tired of so many people around at her FOO, noise, (probably less attention given to her) so we feel good that our place is the "spoiling" place although of course we give lots fewer gifts (lots fewer relatives.)

Our ds is somewhat a Stepford Husband/Father..... he totally goes along w dil's opinions, etc., which is fine, guess it's the way now (my dh is totally and always was his own man, more the boss.)  It does hurt for him not to say something when we get criticized; he's oblivious bc he gets criticized himself.  Yep, he's dil's husband, not our ds so much; dh has always been loyal to his FOO instead of being exclusively in his new one.  Times have changed?

[justanoldgrandma]

Oh, on dil having borderline behavior disorder; she probably does; need to read more on that...... I talked to a counselor for several sessions about her snappishness, controlling ways, ultra concerned w her looks which carries on to her children..... Dr. Jekyl behavior; counselor said she is narcissistic....(sp); doesn't help when ds has always concentrated on good looking, slim women (now only his dw, of course; he's faithful, her friends and family tell her how lovely she is.....
Maybe the narcissism and bbd? go hand in hand at times?  (She is good at taking care of children and has a moral compass, religious, just not in tuned to others' feelings, always right about everything.....)