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Thread for Willing to Help

Started by cremebrulee, March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: penstamen on March 04, 2010, 09:11:34 AM
So can we post our thoughts about the Willing situation here or are we done?

Yes, Pen....I would love to read everyone's ideas on the subject....so please share....

Creme


luise.volta

I can understand the reason some of you feel that my shutting "willing" down was premature, while others were relieved when I did it. As I've said, I don't want any topic to engender fear or hurt feelings, if that can be avoided. The possibility that we might loose a valued, long-term member concerns me. I would rather error by doing what I did, than look back and wish I had.

There are no "Robert's Rules." One person doesn't have to floor while the others listen attentively. It's not like that. There's no body language or tone of voice to aid in communication. We get a new person and we have no foundation. If the person is gentle and comes in softy, it's easier for most of us.

We want to welcome new members but sometimes they hit a nerve. We want to contribute to them...but with some we may not be quite ready for what they bring to the table or how they present it. Once in a while, someone comes with malice...and we bend over backward to give that person the benefit of the doubt.

I appreciate everyone's support.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Hi, all -

I had such a great post (in my own mind, LOL) ready to go and then thought I should check. I hope I can remember my brilliant thoughts after a very odd day at work and a glass of zin :) Here goes:

If we're an MIL we've also been a DIL (officially or not) so we have insight that young DILs don't have yet.

Because of this perspective, I thought I was seeing both sides pretty clearly. I remember my first meeting with my future ILs - they had no idea their DS and I were serious, in fact they knew very little about me. It was very awkward. To them I was just another girlfriend, for all they'd been informed. I would not have taken over in an emergency until my status was established; it wouldn't have been my place, and I understood that.

As an MIL, I remember my first meeting with now-DIL. I had no idea she and DS were dating let alone serious, so I was as polite to her as I would be to anyone I just met in a casual, non-stressful situation. For all I knew she was a co-worker or classmate. If DS had suddenly had an emergency I would have been shocked to have this young woman jump in and take over...comforting him is one thing, and that would have been appreciated, but I would have been puzzled and probably very resentful if she'd tried to do more. Now that they're married, I expect DIL to jump in and she has (luckily not a life-threatening illness) with my blessing.

Once the marriage is in place, the parents of DIL and the parents of DS need to back off and let the couple make major decisions, such as a car purhase, on their own. If the couple ask for advice the ILs need to remember it may come back to haunt them. In a lot of cases I see the parents of DS having to step aside while the parents of DIL are still super-involved, which can cause hurt and resentment.

I'm confused by Willing's posts because at first she complains the parents brushed her off, and later she complains that MIL wants to be friends and hang out. I guess I don't understand what Willing wants.


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb