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Sometimes We Cry

Started by cocobars, February 17, 2010, 05:54:21 AM

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Pen

Luise, I'm sorry to hear it's been a rough one. You are always in our thoughts, and we know you care even when you aren't writing. Maybe it's the moon, but there's a lot of sorrow being expressed these days :( This too shall pass!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Welcome, TSCALES!  So glad you are here.  Your post stirred strong emotion in me and my heart goes out to you.  You are an amazing woman!!!!  What a survivor you are.  I think your daughter knows in her heart of hearts that you are incredible.  I fear that she has some mixed up feelings due to the abuse she witnessed from her father.  My hope is that she will get into some counseling, but that will be her decision.  Your suggestion of that will most likely not be appreciated.  Perhaps a peer of hers could have better success in talking to her about it.

"I called the hospital and my daughter talked to me as if she had been speaking to me the whole time. I found it very bizarre and played along with it so that he would not get upset."
Could it be that since she just gave birth her dh was more permissive about her talking to you?  The idea that you found her behavior "bizarre" makes me think that she is being controlled by her dh.

"He, husband, answered the phone and said just a minute and gave the phone to her with even acknowledging me- She happily said thanks for calling her and that she would get back to me. Hours have past by and believe me I am not waiting on that call."
Could it be that since her dh was right there when she spoke to you on the phone, he showed his disapproval and perhaps got angry with her for saying that she would call you back?

We have a 30 year old daughter as well and she was in an abusive marriage that she left in 2004.  While she was still in that marriage, my dh and I were careful not to criticize her (then) dh b/c we knew that she would push us away.  Her (then) dh moved her to where his family lived, four hours away from us, cancelled their house phone, cancelled their email, and gave her a hard time if she tried to call us on her cell phone.  It was a control tactic, but we perservered and would go the extra mile to support them by doing things like helping them renovate their house.  We would drive an 8 hour round trip in one day to help them out.  My dh is a superhero - handy, skillful, and efficient.   We worked every minute outside of meal times.  I would bring a hot lunch to share and we would take them out to dinner in the evening after cleaning ourselves up. One of the projects my wonderful dh did was replace every speck of plumbing in the house - and we paid for the materials. It was extremely difficult work - a huge, extensive renovation.  We would leave at 4 am and return home at 2 am the following day without any rest - except when we ate.  My dh was especially exhausted after we did this.  But you know what?  It really helped our dd see how much we loved her and were there for her no matter what.  I believe when you think your child may be in an abusive relationship, you have to go the extra mile to let them know you are there for them.  Your dd probably won't tell you if she is abused and she may be brainwashed into thinking that she is at fault.  If she has any hope at all of making the marriage work, she won't want you to know how bad it is b/c she won't want you to hold it against her dh.   Our dd gave her marriage all she had and finally after the counselor and priest told her that no one should have to live like that, she threw in the towel.  Not until then did she let on how unhappy she was to us.  My advise is - stay strong, don't give up on her, don't give unwanted advise, don't offer unwanted criticism of sil, yet don't condone his poor behavior (agree with her if she tells you sil is out of line if you think he really is), just let her know how special she is to you and how much you are there for her.  I'm happy to hear that you are not being an enabler with the finances.  Everything you've done sounds right to me.  I'm sure you will soon be hearing from the many wise women on this site.  You are in good hands.  Rest assured - you are in a safe place.
Hugs, Hope

Marilyn

Welcome TSCALES! My heart goes out to you.I know the hurt,pain and confusion you feel.
You came to the right place,WWU has a lot of Wise women here.This place has helped me so much,and i know it will help you also.

I agree with Hope,could she be being controlled by her DH.Keep showing her you love her,reach out to her as much as you can.With the birth of a new GC,maybe you can get a fresh start with a new relationship.

Sending love and hugs

irenic

Chickie, it is amazing there are so many of us with broken hearts standing there saying what did I do?
You did what any mother would do, I did the same thing, my daughter was married to an alcoholic,
abusive man, and I had to call the police on him several times.  She is now divorced and under the influence
of her abusive father.  He was abusive to me.  She wants nothing to do with me, and like many of
the posts here, we have to move on.  For me, I have to take it hour by hour.  We need groups out there
like AA so that we can physically meet and converse with people.  Serenity prayer helps me today.  I hope that
you know you are important and did the best you could.  No shame, no blame!  We all make mistakes
and learn from them.  I know I have, bless you and keep posting, you made my day.