Sometimes We Cry

[cocobars]

I just realized (again), that I may never be able to speak to my daughter again.  My situation is very much like the ones of other MIL's here, but different in some ways.  All of our stories are different, but most of the women here are talking about DIL's.  I'm talking about my daughter, my daughter who was very close to me growing up, and I've thought so much about it...

I don't know what I did.  There is one instance that I can think of.  My daughter married her high school sweetheart, someone she dated throughout high school and had been dating since she was 15.  They broke-up when she was 17 and I asked her why.  He had hit her.  I talked to her about that and the fact that she was raised in my household seeing her father do that until she was about 11 years old, when she called the police, I had him arrested and finally divorced him (long story short). We talked about that.

A few months went by and her BF came over to see her.  I let him in (I don't believe he knew that I knew what he had done).  Anyway, he didn't have a ride home and my daughter asked if I could give him a ride.  I took him.  They both climbed into the back seat and halfway down our street I looked into the rear-view mirror and warned him.  I just couldn't hold myself back!  I told him that if he ever hit my daughter again, he was going to be dealing with me - and the way I saw it, it would be worth the jail time to see someone violent out of my daughter's life! I left what I was going to do to his imagination...

That happened when they were 17.  They are in their early 30's now.  My ex-husband was violent (her father), and has since remarried to a woman who was very jealous of me and I think (truth be known) she was afraid I would take him back, because we (my X and I) had become good friends.  His new wife had money and he talked to me about her jealousy between me and my daughter.  I actually advised him to stay away from me if he loved her and wanted to stay with her.  I told him that he needed to give her an ultimatum though.  His daughter would be in his life until he dies, and she needed to come to terms with, and accept that.  If she didn't accept his daughter, then and only then I advised him to drop her.  He did as I advised.  We never spoke again, but they bought my daughter.  She won't have anything to do with me and his wife tells everyone she is my daughter's mother.  My daughter goes along with this.  People at my daughter's wedding thought I was some mental case invading her wedding.  It was the most hurtful thing to survive that day and I still cry over it.  I can't help it,  sometimes I just have to cry.

My question is, what you you ladies think happened.  What do you think I did?  Do you think I should have kept my mouth shut?

I'm feeling like I did this to myself..

Last year I had some heart problems and that woke me up.  I realized that my time here may be limited and I don't want to go with this still unresolved.  I have completely left them alone and have a GS that I haven't seen since birth.  I gave up, but I still have weak days.  I still wonder...

[2chickiebaby]

You did nothing that any of us wouldn't have done.  Believe me...she was 17 and going down the wrong path.  Any of us would have done the same.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and yes, it deserves crying about.  I wish I could take that pain away.  We love our kids without condition and that's what you did, trying to save her life.

Coco, you are so strong....she will come around again someday.
Love you 

[cocobars]

Thanks Chickie!  I threatened him, and told my ex to do all  this.  I didn't know it was going to backfire in my face.  Do you think I just made everything easier by that threat?

I've rolled this over and over.  Most days I can put it aside.  Every so often it pops back up again.  I miss my daughter as much as everyone misses their sons.  It's hard, but is the same situation in a way.  My SIL would be everyone else's DIL.  He got what he wanted.  I just hope and pray she is being treated well.  My other daughter's go over to see her occasionally.  They tell me he doesn't help her out with her son or the house.  It worries me.  I know how abusive men are and this is typical behavior.  I'm just having a worry day I guess.

[2chickiebaby]

you did nothing that any mother wouldn't have done, coco.  She is living a nightmare, probably. It is so hard to view this from afar. Same thing as the DILs and us but hopefully our sons are dealing with what your daughter is dealing with.   

[luise.volta]

C/C - Of course you cry. The pain remains and pressure builds. Crying could save your life. There is so much complexity when relationships fail and sometimes children can't stand the pull and just choose.  They don't necessarily see the underlying dynamics and often will move in the direction of the best cover-up. She doesn't know why you cut your ex off. It wasn't rejection, it was support. She may not be able t see through her step-mother or perhaps she is just championing her dad.

Whatever is going on...you have been chosen as the scapegoat and discarded for trying to help...and succeeding.

My heart goes out to you and the price you are paying for caring so deeply. You didn't do anything wrong. You are the victim of the "kill-the-messenger" syndrome.

On this site, you give from your heart. It's amazing to see love and wisdom pouring from you.... not bitterness and revenge or helplessness and hopelessness. Your contributions on our Council of Wise Women constantly support understanding and healing.

We return those gifts with appreciation and pray for your healing, as well.

[2chickiebaby]

Luise,
You are the standard bearer for Wise Women everywhere.
Love you

[cocobars]

Thank you so much!  I'm usually good at advising, but need my own advisor when it comes to me.  I guess I get too caught up in my own situation to see things sometimes.  We probably all do that.  This is another reason why this site is so healing.  There is always at least one other person who can look at your own situation clearly.  I am interested in what everyone thinks here.

[cremebrulee]

Hi coco
a heartbreaking story to read....
coco, you did what any other loving mother would do...
that's it....it's how your daughter perceived your actions that bothers me....she can't identify the difference between love and abuse....

I'm guessing, maybe after you said that to her BF, he put her through ringer and told her from now on, how things were going to be...perhaps she doesn't talk to  you, b/c he doesn't want her to...he knows, your her support network...which worked out in your ex's and his wife's favor....this is the identical situation I am having...

and they, will not tell her how important it is for you and she to have a relationship...no one is being supportive and telling her she is wrong.

I'm wondering, do you have any relatives she is fond of and would visit...if so, why don't you get that relative to invite her over, and then be there, and discuss these issues with her....reassure her that you do love her, and you need a relationship with her...she's your daughter...
but tell her you need to know what it is that caused this estrangement....so that you both can move forward....

I'm hugging you....

[2chickiebaby]

Creme, you're right about this.  It's so odd the way these patterns do...they run along the same lines. Sometimes it's a beloved Daughter who gets caught up in it.

I am afraid that Coco will get her feelings so hurt if she meets with her Daughter right now.  Her Daughter will be on this man's side, of course.  That's all she can see right now.

Remember what Renny said, "dysfunction has a shelf life" 

I think Coco's daughter will wake up oneday and realize it. 

[cocobars]

Hi coco
a heartbreaking story to read....
coco, you did what any other loving mother would do...
that's it....it's how your daughter perceived your actions that bothers me....she can't identify the difference between love and abuse....

I'm guessing, maybe after you said that to her BF, he put her through ringer and told her from now on, how things were going to be...perhaps she doesn't talk to  you, b/c he doesn't want her to...he knows, your her support network...which worked out in your ex's and his wife's favor....this is the identical situation I am having...

and they, will not tell her how important it is for you and she to have a relationship...no one is being supportive and telling her she is wrong.

I'm wondering, do you have any relatives she is fond of and would visit...if so, why don't you get that relative to invite her over, and then be there, and discuss these issues with her....reassure her that you do love her, and you need a relationship with her...she's your daughter...
but tell her you need to know what it is that caused this estrangement....so that you both can move forward....

I'm hugging you....

Thank you so much for that hug, and yes, I felt that!

No, my daughter has cut all ties with all of "my side" of the family and even her old high school friends.  They (HS friends) used to come over to my house (kind of like your situation too) and hang out all the time.  A couple of them called me mom (jokingly), and one stayed with us for awhile because she was having problems at home.  She wanted me to adopt her, but I sent her back to "mom." Who really did love her, but just had a communication problem (and a bit of a wild problem!).  The only people in the family she still has contact with is my two youngest (twins), and she has cancelled the last two visits with them.  I'm really worried.  I know she is a grown woman now, but I also know that my husband beat me until I blacked out - then, didn't call an ambulance because he didn't want to get in trouble.  When I came to, he was crying!  I KNOW about abusive men and that makes me more worried.  I also know that I can't reach her right now so there is a certain amount of "trust in God,"  well that and my twins visiting. 

Thank you so much for the hug and for understanding.  I always know I will have weak days.  It doesn't happen like it used to, and that's a GOOD THING! 

[2chickiebaby]

God bless you, Coco!

[cocobars]

Creme, you're right about this.  It's so odd the way these patterns do...they run along the same lines. Sometimes it's a beloved Daughter who gets caught up in it.

I am afraid that Coco will get her feelings so hurt if she meets with her Daughter right now.  Her Daughter will be on this man's side, of course.  That's all she can see right now.

Remember what Renny said, "dysfunction has a shelf life" 

I think Coco's daughter will wake up oneday and realize it.

Chickie I can only hope you and Renny are right about that shelf life, and it's very sweet of you to worry about me!

I have already tried going into their house one last time, and she started crying, he blamed me and threw me and my beloved elderly dog (Coco) down the stairs.  No, I didn't report it.  I sent her a message that I wouldn't be back.  And yes, it hurt more than anything.  So you're right about that.  I'm fine though.  I just miss her sometimes and cry, just like most of you do here - but for your sons.

I'm really lucky and so blessed to be here!  I couldn't ask for a wiser group of women to hold me up!  I couldn't be more honored to hellp hold you all up with me too!

[2chickiebaby]

Oh coco..

This just breaks my heart.....

[cocobars]

Mine too Chickie!  Hard to live with some days.  Easier to live with since I've been here.

Wise women welcome here in this heart of sites...

[Marilyn]

Coco,your story is just heart breaking.Sounds like she has been brain washed for sure.
I don't think you should blame your self,you did what you thought you needed to do.
Have you ever thought about writing her a letter?Maybe one of your twins could give it to her,if she still talks to them.And, do your twins still see their father?maybe they could get him to talk to her.
I think you have a lot of misplaced guilt,they twisted what you said,to work out in their favor.You said your ex husband was very controlling,and he still is controlling the situation.
I pray she will open her eyes,and want you back in her life.
No mother deserves this.

Sending a hug