Money, Money, Money

[Kate123]

Elizabeth, I don't pesonally know the neighbors who inherited, or the family that did not inherit. I suspect you are right about the neighbors.
I have seen in my boyfriends family the destruction that was done by a will. His maternal grandfather left a wll, everything was divided equally, however he passed first and the grandmother changed the will dividing everything unequally and leaving 3 of the 6 children with nothing. The 3 that were left with nothing were hurt very badly, one even commited suicide shortly thereafter. On his fathers side the same thing happened (unequal division of assets) but the grandparents are still living (they were giving away the assets while living). The families are destroyed over it with none of the siblings or GC speaking to each other. I don't know the family dynamics or why the grandparents made their decisions, all I know is that it was not a good situation before, and it is worse now.

[Pooh]

Does this not boil down once again to presonality of individuals?  My brother lives hundreds of miles away and I am the one that does most everything for my parents.  It's not because of "what" they could leave me, it's because I want to.  I love my parents and they love me.  Their "stuff" doesn't define their love for me, their actions now do.  So if something happened to them tomorrow and I found out that they left everything to my DB...so be it.  I'm not doing it for their stuff anyway and if I allowed their allocation of things or money to define me afterwards, that's my fault.

I don't agree that my children are my responsibility after they are adults and making their own decisions.  I owe them nothing.  I choose to love them, I choose if I want to do things for them, but I owe them nothing.

[Doe]

Edited to remove another posters quote that has been removed from their post as well.

[PatiencePlease]

So often money gets people in trouble and can make them miserable.  What good is it if you don't give it away?

I'm in the "giving equal" group -- I think the message that action conveys is one I want my kids to remember. 

However it is my hope that I have the opportunity to spend most of it before I go.....   

[pam1]

Doe, please use the report button when you find a post to be inflammatory.  Sometimes we miss things so it's most helpful and easier to keep a thread on track if you just report and we can take care of it without derailing a thread. 

I did not want to put words in your mouth so I modified your post as well but please feel free to still respond with your opinion to Elizabeth.  Disagreement is fine.

[Pooh]

I'm in the giving equal group too.  I do alot of things because I feel it's the right thing to do, even though I can also see that I don't have to do it.  Even if OS never speaks to me again, I still will divide equally even though I don't think I owe him anything.  I really do many things because it feels right for me personally, not necessarily always in my best interest. 

[luise.volta]

Pooh, I loved what you said about not owing your adult chldren anything...because that also frees them up to not owe you anything. Seems very healthy to me!

[Pooh]

Yep.  I don't feel I owe them for giving birth to them, no more than they owe me for giving birth to them.   

[pam1]

I just wondered about this -- my grandmother left more to me in her will than any other grandchildren.  I didn't hear anything negative about it from anyone but mainly I think it was because I helped her while none of the other grandkids did.  Not that there were any ill feelings on her part but I think she just wanted it to be acknowledged.  Even before she was sick and just getting older, since I lived down the street I did the things she couldn't anymore, mowing the lawn, taking the trash out, driving her errands.  And then when she was terminally ill and chose to stay home instead of in the hospital, I stayed with her and took care of her along with a hospice nurse.

Now I'm not saying I deserved to get more but I think it was her way of showing me thanks.  And she left something for everyone, just gave me a little more.  I don't know of any hard feelings in the family about this but maybe there is, I don't think so though.

[alohomora]

And I'm not sure its a topic, pam, that can be brought up without raising some serious emotions in people, you know what I mean? Depends on the family of course but it can be so sensitive. I have no advice on this one!

[amflautist]

...  I don't know of any hard feelings in the family about this but maybe there is, I don't think so though.

My aunt left a big BIG inheritance to one of my sisters, smaller amounts to others, none to me.  Yes, I have some very hard feelings about it.   But I will never ever tell my sister that. 

So don't assume that just because you haven't heard about it, there are no hard feelings.

[Sheen]

Definately a subject that stirs emotion in many.

To be honest I am not sure what my opinion is on this. When my mom got ill, it ended with my siblings basically dumping all responsibility on me because they could not alter their busy lives. We ended up purchasing a home so that we had the room to have Mom live with us. During the last year, I quit my job to stay home with her, and my marriage of over 25 years ended because he could not handle not being my priority.  My siblings offered no help what so ever and every time I asked for their help, it was always met with do what you think best.
When Mom passed, she left everything to me. My original intention was to divide part of the estate with them, barring my home. A few days after her passing however, I started receiving emails, calls, etc asking when the will was to be read, and what they would receive and it reminded me of vultures circling. After paying her debts and medical bills, there was really not much left and by then I was so angry , we were not speaking at all.
It has been over 15 years and I have not spoken to any of my siblings since then. 

So yes, the way the estate went  it did disolve my relationship with my siblings, however had it been an even split, they would of had no problem selling my home out from under me, regardless of the situation.  I think it is an individual case subject  and although first instinct is to say evenly split, the situations must be considered.  In my personal case, I think one daughter could use the home, one would prefer actual sentimental items and one the money.  As far as the one that brought me to this site, I feel no need or desire to leave him anything.  He has chosen not to have a relationship with me or his sisters  in life, so my leaving this earth should not alter that.

Reading that  makes me realize just how bitter and angry I am over this situation. Everyone says that in these estrangement issues, one needs to redirect their energy into making their lives happy etc, but I think no matter how much time passes and how much we fill our lives, there will always be the anger and disapointment that our children for whatever reason have chosen to remove us from their lives.

[Pen]

Sheen, I understand your point of view. My life was totally uprooted and changed forever when my DM got ill. I honored her wishes to divide what little she left equally but it hurt that my sib didn't offer to help with the expenses that accrued when I quit my job & put my education on hold to care for DM full-time. My DF (DM's XDH) could have helped me as well but never offered a dime. And yes, it still irks me from time to time when I think about the life-long financial impact of my decision. I wouldn't have done anything differently, though...I'm glad I was there for my mom.

BTW, my SM (the one who has cut us out) was furious when she found out DH & I were paying DS's way through college. I don't know why it bothered her; it was none of her business. Also, she & her sibs, financial successes all, left their DM rotting in substandard senior care. When my DF told me, I said "I'd never let you suffer like that, Dad. Why don't they put their money together and get her into a nice place?" He looked baffled and mumbled "Gosh, I don't know." What a loving, giving family     And DH & I are the losers of this bunch??

[pam1]

That's true, alohomora and amflautist, maybe there are hard feelings and they just haven't told me.  The only grandchildren she had where my siblings and one other cousin who is like a sibling to me, the way our family is, I would assume they would have said something.

You're right there could be hard feelings but it's been 7 years now and all of our relationships are on the good side.  I don't know, I definitely think it's a situational thing.  I know my sibs and parents thanked me for the help I provided her.

And yes, this is most definitely an emotional subject.  I'm curious on their takes but I don't know of a way to bring it up and since the relationships are good, it probably shouldn't be messed with.

[Kate123]

I did not mean to stir up emotions when I brought up this topic. It is a very difficult subject which is why I was looking for some insight. I think I have decided, at least for now.

Sheen, your situation is exactly like mine. I feel no guilt for my mother giving me what she had because I know she gave it alot of thought, and, I know I did the right thing in looking after her. I too did not do it in hopes of getting anything, because I really thought it would be gone with all of the medical bills,etc.

I think I will be doing as my mother did. I gave to my children all I could when they were children, but as adults I owe them nothing. If an AC wouldn't even give me the time of day I don't think I want to give them what I have left.