Money, Money, Money

[amflautist]

My children were not put on earth to satisfy my needs.  They were not a money-back-guarantee from God.  They are entirely here by my choice and my decision.  They are my responsibility. 

I am a mother, not a friend.  When they were young, I did not give the child with the winning smile more food, warmer clothes, or a bigger bicycle.  I loved my children equally without requiring that they love me back.

When I leave, I will divide my estate equally.  It will not depend on which one likes me better.  The division will be equal because that is my responsibility, my moral duty.  It is also my great pleasure to take my place in society as a good mother, which to me means an adult who makes decisions based on what is best for my children, not what is best for me.

[Oh boy, this will surely get me thrown out of WWU!!!  Oh well.....]

[lisafox41]

This is one of those topics that we each have our own opinion; there is no right or wrong answer. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with, based on our unique life circumstances.
I'm glad we have a place to share our opinions and our differences!

[jdtm]

My father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago.  My husband has two siblings.  My FIL and my MIL did not divide the estate equally - one child received much, much more than the other two siblings.  Now, the siblings rarely speak to each other and I haven't even mentioned the effect of this on the grandchildren (depending upon the relationship - nephews, nieces, cousins).  I think what parents forget is that not only does the "will" affect how the parents are viewed; but also how it will affect the relationship for present and future generations. 

I believe that if you don't want to divide your estate equally among the children, then donate all or most of it to a charity of your choice.  At least, this way, the siblings will all be "mad" at you; but they will be "on the same page".  It's really not about "us"; but about the legacy we leave to our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.    If our children and/or grandchildren choose to "not get along, I want that to be from their choices, not mine.  Anyway, just another opinion ....

[lancaster lady]

I have three children . I said to my OS who is constantly broke ....''don't worry when I die , you'll finally have some money ''.
to which he replied , ''that's all very well , but I'll have to share it three ways !''
I thought that no matter what, he would make sure his siblings got an equal share .
It's a nice thought  that in a perfect world all families would think this way .

[Kate123]

Amflautist, (I guess you play the flute??) you made a very good point. I think most of us do try to treat our children equally (makes you wonder how sometimes they can turn out so differently). And it does seem right to do that in the end. However I don't know if their adult behavior can be ignored.
If one of my AC does much more for me, giving up part of their life to help me, I think I will need to consider that too. Giving back to show that I appreciated their help.
A woman that lived near me had a difficult time in the last few years of her life and the neighbors pitched in and took care of her. Her family lives close by but did not help at all. She left everything to the neighbors in the end. The family tried to fight the will but lost. I don't think she was punishing the bad behavior of the family, but just giving back to those that gave to her.

[Doe]

I don't think she was punishing the bad behavior of the family, but just giving back to those that gave to her.

Kate-
Great point!  I was trying to say something like this but it came out too clinical.   

[Keys Girl]

On more than one occasion I have seen the adult children of very hard working, saving and sacrifice making parents "blow" an inheritance in 6 months or less.  If your adult child or spouse has any addictive tendencies, the funds could go to alcohol or who knows what and be gone long before the 6 month timeframe.

I know of more and more people who are leaving whatever funds they have to charity, dog shelters and hospitals.

[Kate123]

or neighbors, HA!

[pam1]

My children were not put on earth to satisfy my needs.  They were not a money-back-guarantee from God.  They are entirely here by my choice and my decision.  They are my responsibility. 

I am a mother, not a friend.  When they were young, I did not give the child with the winning smile more food, warmer clothes, or a bigger bicycle.  I loved my children equally without requiring that they love me back.

When I leave, I will divide my estate equally.  It will not depend on which one likes me better.  The division will be equal because that is my responsibility, my moral duty.  It is also my great pleasure to take my place in society as a good mother, which to me means an adult who makes decisions based on what is best for my children, not what is best for me.

[Oh boy, this will surely get me thrown out of WWU!!!  Oh well.....]

amflautist, not even for one second would you get thrown out for that!  I hope you were just kidding.

I really enjoyed your post especially the bolded.  It is especially enlightening for me right now in dealing with my in laws and the issues surrounding them (I've got a doozy to tell soon, just don't have the energy to write it.)  Suffice to say we were told the way DH and his siblings were raised were to either make MIL happy or pay the price.

Reading your words today just made me smile, you're a good momma. 

I don't know about inheritances and wills, I think everyone should do what feels right for them.  No one answer and no one size to fit all on that subject.

[Pen]

As one who has been disinherited because of favoritism towards my step-sibs I can assure you it hurts like bloody heck - not because of the money or family heirlooms, although DH & I could use those things way more than anyone else in the family, but because it's SM's final smirky, mean treatment of me. She wins, I lose, neener-neener. It's also a cosmic slap upside the head regarding my DF's rejection of his children & grandchildren. He's too big a weenie, or just doesn't care enough, to stand up for us.

[pam1]

(((Pen)))

Ok, this is a little morbid and you don't have to answer but what happens if SM goes first?  Does everything still go to her children?

[Pen]

Yes, I believe so. She's named her SIL the executor.

[elizabeth]

I think its rejecting and hurtful to leave it all to a charity or a neighbor.

Who knows if neighbors werent thinking dollarsigns while they knew it wouldnt be long and the possible reward?

What difference does it matter if its spent unwisely or gone in 6 months?
When I'm giving someone something I dont go up to them with gift in hand, ask them how they intend to use it, how they will care for the gift, where they will put the gift.

When I give to the poor, I feel a similar responsibility, I dont worry if that 5 dollars will be spent for food or a bottle, I give because it is my resonsibility to give to those who need it when I see the need if I can do so.

An inheritance is not given because of need in the children, it says that the child was remembered, loved, wanted and forgiven. Its hope, its knowing the love from mother and father. Its horrible to play favorites with the last thing given to the children.

If the criteria were how well the money would be looked after, saved, invested and spent, then I should have been the only one to receive.

It seems disinheriting is used by parents to gain power over, harm, bargain, devastate and punish the children forever. To just put that final hateful action into their minds and hearts for them to have to deal with, humiliated before all the relatives, to show how much the parent hated that child. Its absurd.




Edited to take out inflammatory comment

[FAFE]

My stock answer to my kiddos is that for certain they will have a paid off house and two worn out paid for cars.  Anything over that will be divided equally between the 3 of them (except college funds for gc). 

[luise.volta]

Lets see...if I had money....hummm....money...huh...what would I do with it...hummmm...geeze, this is tough...money, you say?