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Money, Money, Money

Started by Kate123, November 06, 2011, 11:23:02 AM

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lancaster lady

Kate;

You sell everything and rent .......then spend the proceeds enjoying the life that you have earned .

amflautist

In your will, divide your estate equally between your son and your daughter.  Do that because it prevents conflict between them after you are gone.  You are preserving their brother-sister relationship, which is far more important than money.

Kate123

LL- almost did that last month then couldn't. I am a homebody. And the thought of moving-ughh! Guess I'm just not ready yet.

Pooh

I agree with AM.  If you're not going to take LL's route (which I like  ;D), then divide it equally, no matter what their situation.  My M/D have everything divided equally between me and DB.  He makes way more than I do and I do probably 90% versus his 10% for my parents, but it doesn't matter to me.  I have no desire for their "stuff" but I definately don't want any resentment from my DB if she gave me more than him. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

alohomora

Equal.

I used to believe we should really do what we want with our money - its ours, darn it. We earned it. But I've seen the end result of unequal treatment. Its not pretty and goes for generations. Happened in my family with my great great grandmother and people STILL talk about it.

My MIL's mother cared for her grandmother for years - when she passed, mil's mother's brother got 90% of everything and he wasn't in contact - old will. Left GMIL very broke as a widow with two kids, and made her wealthy, out of contact brother, much wealthier. MIL doesn't talk to her uncle or her cousins. When we got married it was very sad seeing all the tension that STILL lingers from this.

Oddly, MIL has started discussing the divison of their vacation property. My BIL's love this place, so does my DH, but DH and I will probably go there once in the next ten years, whereas BIL's will use it all the time. Its worth quite a large amount of money and the IL's want to pass it onto the boys sooner then later. I don't want it - it would just be an expense to us to maintain something we would never use (plus...I hate it there.). DH mentioned it would be better to 'cut us' out of the property and just give a larger portion of the overall cash benefit from the 'estate' after they pass. Its a hugely touchy subject in his family right now. I'd rather just wash my hands of all of it. We really aren't in need of the money.

Pen

We will put ours (lol, like we have any) in a trust that DS will manage for DDD, and the rest to DS.

My DF handed his financial reins over to SM years ago; my sib & I will get nothing from them, it's all going to her bio AC/GC. Whatever, eventually karma will catch up to this woman.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

When my DM died leaving my DF alone , he was like a lost puppy .  However my Dear sister (!) swept in and distributed all my mothers jewellery before anyone else arrived ! The locket my DM wore with my photo inside went to a distant niece . It was always promised to me . Nothing of value , but as a sentimental keepsake was worth a fortune to me . Resentful , very much ! I never brought up the subject with my DS , but 16 years on it still hurts . I don't know why she chose to do this sharing of goods , however lots of my DMs jewellery appeared over the years on her daughter .       Moral is leave a will so your belongings go to people of your choice . I find a family death makes people grow horns .

Doe

I'm thinking about this one (wills). 

I treat them unequally while I'm alive by not giving the son-who-won't-talk-to-me gifts while I give the-one-who-likes-me gifts.

I can't see the logic of dividing the leftovers for after I'm gone.

lisafox41

IMO- My DD is not very nice to me now...why on earth should she benefit from my years of hard work when I'm gone?

elsieshaye

I've told my son for years that, in lieu of an inheritance, I'm going to make sure that he never has to worry about my care (i.e., long term care insurance and positioning myself in a progressive-care retirement community).  I took care of both my parents, because they had nothing else in place, and decided I would never put my son through that.  (Of course, the subject came up because he -asked- about what his inheritance would be, but that's a rant for a different thread, lol.)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Kate123

My DM did not have anything but a little money in the bank. She wanted me to have the money because I had taken care of her, and been there for her where my sibling and everyone else did not bother with her for many years except for a call maybe on Holidays. So she put my name on her account and it automatically transferred to me when she passed. On her death bed my siblings, along with the DD who also never visited or called, finally came to see her (too little, too late). After DM passed the siblings kept asking me about the "Estate". I guess my DM led them to believe there was alot of money. I did not tell them until a few months went by that there was no estate. They were in disbelief and now they don't speak to me. I really don't care about that because I am so mad at the way they treated DM. So my DM did not divide it equally, and it did cause hard feelings, however the feelings were there before. Also, the siblings do have much more then me, but that was not the reason for DM's decision.
So this is a difficult decision, the DD doesn't have anything to do with me and the DS is doing well financially. I feel guilty about the DD and our relationship but question whether she is deserving of anything.

elizabeth

Please consider the effect disinheriting would have. Oddly, we feel like children again when we receive the news that our DM or DF has passed.

Wills are spoken words, received directly from parent to child. To be disowned and or disinherited is extremely harsh, traumatizing rejection, worse than divorce or other types of family separations, insults or gossip.

Think about it a long time before you make it legal. If you could put yourself in that situation in your imagination and think of the hurt you would feel if your DM or DF rejected you in favour of your brother or sister? how could you cope within yourself with this total, complete and last rejecting remark from your family?

Even one who has said or done the wrong things sometimes, believes, has hope, that their parent, if they could know all the things that went into bad decisions, would forgive and love them in spite of faults and failures.  When a child leaves home, takes a spouse, begets children, runs away, sure parents feel rejected. They arent rejecting us, they are trying to make a life for themselves. 

I believe that all children love the parents, they cant help it, its built in.
The rejection of being disinherited or disowned is like being completely cast out, thrown away. The child finds out that the worst fear is finally exposed, they were never loved, even by their own parent.

Its not the amount of money lost, or the things ( although keepsakes of family are important) its the sense of being completly unwanted and cast out by ones own flesh and blood DF/DM.

Its also rather one sided in that children can't disinherit or disown their parents. And what are they to do with this disinheritance? They cant discuss it with you, it is your last remark, your parting word to them, the door closed.

Unfortunately wills are worded in such a way that the rejection is almost impossible to bear.

sesamejane

I recently sold a house where I used to live. I have decided that when I buy again and really settle down, I am going to do a right of survivorship (I think it is called), where if I die, the property will be owned by both daughters.  That's the plan anyway.   I am currently in the process of giving them 'stuff.'  I am tired of taking care of the things I have.   

Doe

Elizabeth-

I'm talking about not leaving an estate to an adult child who has mistreated the parent for years;  the AC who has established the parent/child relationship as the parent being the guilty one to blame.

I think the hurt feelings about not then being rewarded when the parent dies is an insignificant problem but it could easily be handled by just telling that child that he/she isn't in the will.  There would be no expectation or surprise at the reading of the will.  How the AC responds to the news could serve to either validate the disinheritance or cause the parent to change plans.

Also, if there are other children involved and they want to, they could divide their portion up and give to the disinherited one.

jmo.

elizabeth

Hi Doe,

Yes, I hadnt thought of inheritance as a reward.

it is natural to want to not reward an AC who has ruined the relationship.
But still, this is a harsh step, a legal disowning/disinheritance.

If an AC has ignored or backed off for years without having been rejected by you, that is cause for concern as you wouldnt really know why they have done so.

But if all the cards are on the table and they have abused you, they must be able to see it coming.

I doubt if the other siblings would ever be able to part with their own inherited gift from a DM or DF though.

I also doubt that telling them that they are disinherited will open up communication, more likely it will be taken as what it is, a legal rejection saying, "Go away, you arent wanted". What else could it mean? Its not really a bargaining tool.

Finally it really is your money to do with as you please, you've worked hard for that and saved it up all these years.

  I couldnt do it (disinherit) even though they may not deserve anything, its a final statement and inheritance is a little hope to give them for the rest of their lives.