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Banned From Grandsons

Started by, November 06, 2011, 05:53:47 am

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November 06, 2011, 05:53:47 am Last Edit: November 06, 2011, 03:50:21 pm by pam1
My son has three young boys, 4 and twins 2 that he is raising. His wife is the one who works. They wanted their children to be raised at home with a parent. I was helping him two days a week. My son is scared to death that something will happen to one of the kids. He hovers and watches them like a hawk. And, if you don't do things his way, he yells a lot. He is very stressed. I am 63 and just recently lost my job and have to sell my house in this terrible market. I'm scared to death. Six months ago amid all this stress, my son got mad at me. He went bezerk. I haven't seen my grandsons since. He always told me he would never keep me from seeing them. I've tried apologizing over and over, but he won't have anything to do with me. I thought his wife would convince him that the boys should have a relationship with their grandmother, but it doesn't look like that happened. My other son has tried to reason with him. He is now banned, too. I had such a fun, playful relationship with the boys. They lit up when I walked into the room. Especially the 4 year old. We had a special bond. I still cry daily. I just can't accept that he could do something like this. I hear my 4 year old's voice calling for me. I've been widowed twice, and had other big loses in my life, but this is heartache beyond belief.


Hi Avmktg-

Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of!  You'll find several people here are in similar situations.

I read in your post on the site that you go between "I'm torn between thinking I should just have taken the bad treatment of me, and then thinking that's no way to live."  Have you decided which way you are inclined to go? 

Whatever you do, try to not take it personally.  Your son may have something he's struggling with that you don't know about.  If he's not willing to straighten things out, there's not much you can do.

You have a job in front of you to stabilize yourself financially and find some way to move yourself out of "scared to death".  If you are happier yourself, things won't look so desperate.


Welcome avmktg :)

Please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and History of WWU in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do this so it's not just directed at you.

One day at a time, one foot forward.  I think the housing issue is the most pressing one so I would work on that first.  We're here for you and have lots of posters who can give better advice and solutions. 

As an aside, you might want to rethink your username.  Is that your email address?  You can display your email address in your profile but I think it's unwise to use it as a username.  Wanna try something else out?  Just let me know
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


avmktg, I removed your link to the other websites forum.  We do not have it specifically stated in our site rules but we (mods) think it would be best to keep forum to forum (especially those with similar content) off the board. 

But, please feel free to post your story here as well. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Welcome. One sentence in your post sticks out: "I just can't accept that he could do something like this."

My take is that's the place to start. Whether you accept it or not...he could and he did. Your healing will start when you get that. It's a tough one. Most of us have been there. There just isn't any way to proceed until you get past denial. That's what denial is...not accepting things as they are. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Hi AVM and Welcome :

What was the argument over ?
Sounds as if he is under a lot of stress , we Moms are always in the firing line because they
know we usually forgive anything .
Give him space and prioritise ! Which is you !
You have a lot on your plate right now and need to focus on your own problems .
Once you sort these out you will find your strength to deal with whatever comes your way .
Your son will need you one day soon , get on with your life and detach .
Good luck with the house .


I'm so sorry for you going through this.  There's a lot on your plate.  Loss can be a boomerang, every loss we feel, reminds us of the pain of past loss.  I agree that focusing on taking care of yourself and resolving your living situation is foremost.  Once that starts to feel settled for you, other challenges might feel more managable. 

It seems like your son seems is a worrier, and one way it comes out is that he seems overprotective.  You mentioned you've apologized repeatedly for something, but he hasn't accepted.  I am wondering what the apology was for?  Sometimes we apologize for doing something, when what the other person needs is an apology for how what we did affected them.  To illustrate, say I got stuck in traffic and was late.  If I apologize for being late, over and over, it might not feel like enough.  If I apologize for causing them worry, making them feel disregarded, and making them in turn late for something else, it might speak better to the part of them that wants resolve.  It can help convey the sincerity of our apology, by showing we understand and regret how they felt.


Welcome AVM.  Nothing to add, just wanted to say hi and that I am sorry for everything you are going through.  Take care of yourself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


If you apologized, that should be enough.  It is now time to show your son how strong you can be and work on getting your life together.  You will survive this....I have the same situation that has gone on for two months.  Each day I cry and feel faint but go to sleep finally and wake up to a new day and realize that I am that much stronger and congratulate myself for surviving this so far.  Also, remember that parents these days are doing some crazy things and your son is probably just upset because he is hurting for other reasons.  Try to step back and look at the whole picture and just let him know you are there for him if he needs your help and that you have learned from your mistakes.

It helped me to just accept that I might not ever see my grandson again.  I do not really want to see my daughter again because she hurt me so badly.  So, after accepting I cannot see my grandson, my love grows in my heart for him and she can never take that away from me.  That is my revenge!