Taking a "back seat"

[cremebrulee]

No Pen, you didn't sound harsh...
but honestly I feared I hurt your feelings...whew, so glad I didn't...

thanks for letting me know....

[luise.volta]

Just an off-the-wall comment about "making your life be about anyone," inferring that you don't have a life. Someone said at our last Caregivers Group meeting that she was not ready to make her life be about her husband. I thought afterward that even though I am totally focused on my husband, my life is about me. I have a preference to be with him and find it extremely enjoyable. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. One point of view seems self-effacing, to me, while the other is self-expressive. 

[renny97]

Odd, why certain hurts come back on a certain day? I truly miss son.

I understood he is busy and work and kids and wife, but not enough to avoid (since that has to be what it is) her family. Plenty of planning goes into making sure they BOTH see her folks and her sisters on a suffocating scale. But, he doesn't make it here to visit and never with her. So, I know I am last on the list, "backseat" but, how is this fair?

I guess these feelings return, when it would be nice to have just one visit without months passing by. I guess because I am alone, I don't exist or matter to them. Wonder if they listen to the greed part in church? This just isn't right. It is my son's call. But, how bad do they think I am to deserve this? Hard not to be resentful.

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Renny,
My heart breaks when I read your words.  Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is write it out on here so we can be there for you.  That's what friends are made for....your feelings are felt by us too.  Sending all the love in the whole world!!!

[cocobars]

Just an off-the-wall comment about "making your life be about anyone," inferring that you don't have a life. Someone said at our last Caregivers Group meeting that she was not ready to make her life be about her husband. I thought afterward that even though I am totally focused on my husband, my life is about me. I have a preference to be with him and find it extremely enjoyable. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. One point of view seems self-effacing, to me, while the other is self-expressive.

Our view often comes from very different places like that and I agree with you so much Luise.  What a wonderful way you have of thinking!  There are many different views of one particular situation, when you have a group together.  I enjoy the differences and I am proud to be a part of an entire group of women who seem to understand that. 

As an example:  Some people spend their lives "alone," but they don't see it.  Other's would be depressed at the though of living by ones self , vacationing by ones self, sitting at a park and people watching, dining, etc.  If you read Creme's post this morning in hobbies, you will see a different view of "alone!"  This is a beautiful time of solitude where some of us go to view life, whatever that may be.  To be shared is wonderful, but sometimes to be able to appreciate that alone is a gift!  It all depends on how your view of that is!

I like to think of my aloneness as solitude.  It wasn't when I first started out in the place I'm in now, but has grown into that over a period of three years.  Now, I wouldn't trade it for the world and have learned that I'm a pretty beautiful and complex person (something I don't think I saw before).  My view of this one simple word has changed.

There isn't always a right or wrong way to look at something.  It's a choice of how each person is "seeing" that thing they are looking at! 

It's pretty neat that we all can form a group and see things through eachothers eyes!  I believe it expands our awareness.  Maybe I'm an old hippie, but I still see beautiful things and I hope that part of life never goes away.  We are all learning as we live - till the day we leave here!  I hope beyond that!

On this site, we are practicing "acceptance, understanding eachother's different ways of seeing things, and loving eachother for that particular way of viewing life, and a world of other opportunities. Thank you for inviting us all into this cocoon!  I hope to continue learning here!

[luise.volta]

C/C - Yes, I read it and I copied, pasted and printed to out to read again after Val leaves.

[cocobars]

Odd, why certain hurts come back on a certain day? I truly miss son.

I understood he is busy and work and kids and wife, but not enough to avoid (since that has to be what it is) her family. Plenty of planning goes into making sure they BOTH see her folks and her sisters on a suffocating scale. But, he doesn't make it here to visit and never with her. So, I know I am last on the list, "backseat" but, how is this fair?

I guess these feelings return, when it would be nice to have just one visit without months passing by. I guess because I am alone, I don't exist or matter to them. Wonder if they listen to the greed part in church? This just isn't right. It is my son's call. But, how bad do they think I am to deserve this? Hard not to be resentful.

Renny, I'm sorry.  These days creep up on us, unexpected.  Chickie is right.  Start a post on these days, because  ON THESE DAYS you need that support! Don't worry about wording but just say what you feel.  We all have these days.  My day was yesterday, your day is today and who knows how long it will last.  Know in your heart that we are all here for you and are waiting with open hearts.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard day!  This is a big hug for you and I hope you feel it hit your heart!

[Pen]

Renny, you're speaking to the heart of the matter! It's perfectly acceptable to feel down and miss someone who has passed on, but for some reason a mom missing her son who is unavailable due to marriage is seen as inappropriate. This site seems to be the only place we can go for comfort and know we're not going to be judged.

Here's a {{{hug!}}}

[2chickiebaby]

How true, Penstamen.....at least we have this site and each other.  There's nothing wrong with us;  we're just Mothers who miss our sons.  But we aren't supposed to feel that way?  It's too much to ask.....the DILs are right, they could take it upon themselves to see us without them.  Of course, I can't imagine how that would make her feel.  If it makes her feel bad, it's not going to happen.

[renny97]

That was lovely how you explained how we all blend our thoughts, fears, and prayers, here, Coco. A place to go, when the world rejects us.

DIL would feel the same as if DS wouldn't go to her parents.

Son, used to come over more. When he did, if the phone rang, he wanted to make sure it wasn't DIL. She's always done that. He is on a time limit here. And, I barely get visits on the radar now. To me, that is pitiful.

If it was both ways, and DIL and son, were too busy to see her folks too (who live 40 more miles away from our area, mind you) I can admit, I'd be happier. But, to pass by on one of two roads that lead to DIL's parents house at least twice a week. GC would often mention spending the night. Or someone else would mention oh, that was at Naaaaana's. This is when son used to kind of make sure he was back from picking them up, to see me. It does hurt. Especially, if I initiated coming over to see GC after a couple months. I still got the "shuffle."

I am so thankful I am understood, here. You have made me feel so welcome. Sometimes, I can't get my words or thoughts together, and I am forgiven for that, too. The DIL subtle manipulation, is so hard to even describe. But, ya feel it.

Then, a "distant" "friend" chooses this time, to not even being considerate or caring or supportive. I did tell her that we were done for good. All there was, was a "raised eyebrow." I said I didn't like her lieing about "taking/her driving me" to my appt. She "doesn't remember" saying she would take me . So, it ended the way it started--with lies. Maybe that is what that article meant.

I wonder, too, (doing a lot of that lately), if I am noticing all these phoney people because I have been in survival mode. I can see their games more easily? Or maybe they have just gone on for far too long--it is my "reason, season, and time."

[cocobars]

Renny,
I understand your son and DIL's behavior cutting you to the bone like that.  I would feel the same way, knowing they had to pass by my house each day, even worse that you miss them so much and they go 40 miles past your house.  Have you mentioned how hurt you are to your son?

Just know you have true friends here, Renny.  And your right, one of the things that really took me in was the comittment by the women here and the huge hearts they have!  You will always be a part of this group and will not be trampled!  We all have days where the words just don't come across right, or our hearts ache so badly we can barely see in front of us.  On these days, just come in, like Chickie said and start a new post - like I did yesterday.  It's like a white flag to those of us who are here and one of us needs support.  You are one of us too Renny.  Don't you forget that!  ok?

Feel that?  It's me hugging you and patting your back (right behind your heart)!

[cocobars]

Renny, your wording is right - "distant" friend.  She is very distant, but if she is not supportive to you during a time that you need that, she isn't your friend. 

When it rains, it pours and it all seems to come down at once, doesn't it?  The good part is that this means there is nowhere else to go now, but up!  Something will give, Renny.  God doesn't let a door close without opening a window!  That is so true.  Get out in the sunlight everyday and go for a walk.  You will start feeling different and you may be given a gift, you never know.  Keep your chin up and try not to lose hope, but keep looking for it in everything you do.

You lost a friend, who really wasn't your friend, but you've gained a whole group of friends who like you, support you and invite your words every day, look forward to them even! There you go!  Your first gift...

Have you been "pinged" yet!  Luise's wand works you know!

[renny97]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))! Thank YOU! 

Nope. But I have seen lots of "pinging" going on in here? I could use a little pixie dust of magic.........zing zang. lol....

[cocobars]

Right back at you Renny!!! ((((((HUGS!)))))))

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Renny,
I know what you mean about the "constant phone calls" when the son was there.  Non-stop from the DIL alerting him that she is there. Mine would scramble for the phone, actually looking scared.  For Heaven's sake!!!  It's really hard because you know what's going on, you just have to stuff it.

I'm so sorry about your friend....double whammy.  I am really so tired of phoney friends and honestly tired of people having hidden agendas.  Aren't you?  Aren't we all?   

My radar has always been "on" and I know what their motives are, always, but choose to ignore them most of the time.  Sometimes I'm in way too deep before I can get out.  All that  was ignored because I'm constantly second guessing myself and hoping it's not true. It always is true.

I'm hoping you find comfort here among people who have been through exactly what you've been through.  I think you are very strong.