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Taking a "back seat"

Started by Sassy, February 15, 2010, 05:09:54 PM

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RedRose

I spoiled my daughter too Chicky but, she'll tell you that I spoiled her brother more.  :-\

cocobars

I spoiled all of mine.  I was a stay at home mother so it was easy :D 

I don't regret it either!  I enjoyed what time I had with them while I had it.  Is that wrong? ;)

cocobars

Quote from: RedRose on February 17, 2010, 05:58:10 PM
I spoiled my daughter too Chicky but, she'll tell you that I spoiled her brother more.  :-\
That's too funny Rose!  One of my daughters(twins) thinks I spoiled everyone, but her!  LOL!  She just heard "no" more because she was more demanding...

RedRose

Nothing wrong with spoiling...we only have them a little while.
8)

cocobars


Marilyn

Just wanted to let all you ladies know.....Friday,on DR.Phil,the show is about .....In-law Drama....plus,there will be a checklist that will warn you of in-law issues before you tie the knot.

I know some of you don't care for Dr.Phil,but it might be a good show to watch.

renny97

Thanks, MIW. I am the exception. I watch the show regularly. I like his approach.

That will be an interesting show. I'll watch it, just before leaving for work.

Pen

Regarding the "making your children your whole life goes against the grain of nature" statement, I'd like some facts to back it up. Some animals eat their young, some nuture them until they are able to fly away, and some stay in a family unit for years.

My DIL criticizes our childrearing methods, but only to make the point that we won't be equal grandparents with her parents. Her criticisms change with the weather - one minute she says we were too strict, the next too lenient. It's just a way of letting us know we aren't respected. My kids learned how to do laundry, cook and clean. If DS chooses not to now, it's not my problem :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

February 18, 2010, 03:10:47 AM #53 Last Edit: February 18, 2010, 04:41:04 AM by cocobars
Quote from: penstamen on February 17, 2010, 08:46:52 PM
Regarding the "making your children your whole life goes against the grain of nature" statement, I'd like some facts to back it up. Some animals eat their young, some nuture them until they are able to fly away, and some stay in a family unit for years.

My DIL criticizes our childrearing methods, but only to make the point that we won't be equal grandparents with her parents. Her criticisms change with the weather - one minute she says we were too strict, the next too lenient. It's just a way of letting us know we aren't respected. My kids learned how to do laundry, cook and clean. If DS chooses not to now, it's not my problem :)
Sometimes you just have to smile... 

If DS chooses not to cook, clean or do laundry now, it isn't your problem.  If your DIL were wise, she would ask you how you went about making sure he was doing his chores growing up.  Wouldn't you be able to give her some pointers?  LOL! ;D

As far as the statement about how we raise our children, we all do it differently.  I don't think one way is any more important than another, and our time with them while they are little is limited.  I understand the "spoiling," and did it myself.  As long as they grow to become strong and stable, I'm happy and I think I've done a good job!  Hear that?  It's me patting my own back! ;D

Hang in there Pen! I'm sending you a very huge hug!  You need to pat your own back too! :)

cremebrulee

February 18, 2010, 04:37:46 AM #54 Last Edit: February 18, 2010, 05:25:30 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: penstamen on February 17, 2010, 08:46:52 PM
Regarding the "making your children your whole life goes against the grain of nature" statement, I'd like some facts to back it up. Some animals eat their young, some nuture them until they are able to fly away, and some stay in a family unit for years.

My DIL criticizes our childrearing methods, but only to make the point that we won't be equal grandparents with her parents. Her criticisms change with the weather - one minute she says we were too strict, the next too lenient. It's just a way of letting us know we aren't respected. My kids learned how to do laundry, cook and clean. If DS chooses not to now, it's not my problem :)

First, off, let me say, that I apologize for anyone who took offense to my statement...It wasn't meant towards anyone here....

however, it was meant, towards some women who do make they're children not only they're entire lives, but, they're happiness, as well..
I've seen it and talked to women who do this...

did I spoil my son, heck yeah...however, he did have chores to do, and I was strict at times...for which he now thanks me?  We all make mistakes, we all look back and wish we could have done things differently...heck, I do...

anyway, my point is, there are women out there who have nothing in they're lives but they're children...and when they're son's get married, they feel as if they must interfer, run they're finances...tell they're sons and DIL's how to live...I had a MIL like that and that is who I was thinking of, when I made that comment.

There are mothers out there who cannot let go of they're sons....who also, think they own they're sons...who expect they're son's and DIL's to do everything for them...there are mother's out there who are that way, b/c my maternal mother was like that...she claimed she worked so hard to be a single mother and put me thru school, so that when I graduated, I wasn't leaving home, I was going to get a good job, and continue living with her and handing over to her my entire pay check, as I had done since I was 13 years old and I never regreted it, however, when I graduated I wanted to put myself thru college, my maternal mother would not allow me to. 

So, please note, when your reading my posts, I am not directing any fingers in anyone's way, but my own personal experiences.



So, please, ladies, when I make comments like I do, I'm talking thru experience, and not pointing fingers at anyone here.

When my son was growing up in our home, he was a priority of course...but, he wasn't my whole life...I wouldn't allow him to be, b/c I was never going to do the same thing to him, as I had done to me, by my own maternal mother and a MIL. 

I encouraged him to go, to experience life, people and travel...and he did...he joined the military and got out of our small town, and thankfully away from a small town concept that I grew up with....so, for that I'm thankful...

I've had so much joy, in life, through travel, and I wanted him to experience the same....

I apologize if anyone felt I was pointing fingers at them.

Every young mother who comes by my wayside, and tells me she is expecting a son...I always tell them, do me a huge favor.  I was married to a man whose mother did EVERYTHING for him...she didn't teach him how to be self sufficient...which was the only reason why he married me, he wanted a mother...to cook, to do his laundry...to clean, to pick up after him, to even do all the outside work, b/c he was lazy due to his mother.  If he'd start a project, and she was around, after an hour of work, she'd say, "Oh, lets go take a break", you've been working to hard.  This man, tore my house apart and it took him 14 years to put it back together b/c he was lazy...he had no drive to be helpful or work around the house....I did it all...so yes, his mother created a monster for me....

I raised my son differently...after dinner we sat around and talked, it was family time...he got up from the table, rinsed his dishes off and put them in the dish washer...he knew how to do laundry, run the vaccum, mow the lawn weed the gardens, iron, cook, etc.  I wouldn't have a woman, my son's wife, go thru what I went thru...and that is why I won't marry again...I never want to wake up realizing, I've lived someone else's idea of what my life should be...and, I never want to be a mother to a man again...never had a good marriage, so, I don't know what I'm missing.

and Pen, your DIL is wrong to criticize your parenting skills....she will make mistakes plenty of them...we all do, however, that is between her and her God, and not anyone else....

she probably does that to make herself feel she is above you...she has to b/c she is insecure, your probably a very good mother and she fears not being equal to you or better in her husband's eyes, therefore, she trys to verbally put you down, to make herself feel better about herself...view it as what it is...rather then taking it personal...she is very insecure, and actually, take that as a huge compliment.  When someone goes the mile to criticize you....well, there is a much bigger picture behind those words...believe me...
Hugs
Creme




cocobars

February 18, 2010, 04:47:09 AM #55 Last Edit: February 18, 2010, 04:52:53 AM by cocobars
Creme,
I hope somebody corrects me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe anyone took real offense at your comment.  I found humor in the fact that most of us feel we DID spoil our children.   ;D

Your point was very well stated, and yes, I agree there are mothers out there who don't know when it's time to let go so they can start living their own lives.  I believe that is who you were referring to. 

You are our very own deep thinker here!  I for one am not only aware of that, but appreciate the fact that I will always get an honest and heartfelt answer from you, and value your input and opinions. 

It was a funny comment.  That's all.  I hope you can feel the big hugs coming at you! :)

P.S. - you should be patting your own back too!  We are all such good mother's here and very concerned with our children.  Think of the ones who weren't raised with these concerns or love!  Yes, pat your back Creme!  Sometimes we have to do it ourselves!  I hope I hear the patting sounds...

cremebrulee

Quote from: cocobars on February 18, 2010, 04:47:09 AM
Creme,
I hope somebody corrects me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe anyone took real offense at your comment.  I found humor in the fact that most of us feel we DID spoil our children.   ;D

Your point was very well stated, and yes, I agree there are mothers out there who don't know when it's time to let go so they can start living their own lives.  I believe that is who you were referring to. 

You are our very own deep thinker here!  I for one am not only aware of that, but appreciate the fact that I will always get an honest and heartfelt answer from you, and value your input and opinions. 

It was a funny comment.  That's all.  I hope you can feel the big hugs coming at you! :)

P.S. - you should be patting your own back too!  We are all such good mother's here and very concerned with our children.  Think of the ones who weren't raised with these concerns or love!  Yes, pat your back Creme!  Sometimes we have to do it ourselves!  I hope I hear the patting sounds...

many thanks for understanding coco...yes, I've been told many many times, I am very deep...can't help it, been like that since I was very young...and in being that way, plus very cut and dry, I've found that in forums, people do take me the wrong way...or take offense to me...I can't help it, I try to do my best...however, I don't beat around the bush, I say what's in my heart, with no malace meant...

I've already been accused of writing things, and then saying what I've said above, which is supposed to make it ok...and I don't believe I'm above or beyond mistake...or a profit, or a physcologist, I'm just struggling to do the best that I can and sharing stories...

thanks hun for the hugs... ;D

cocobars

And I want to continue hearing your thoughts and stories.  You are so valuable here.  We have gotten to know things about you here, this being some of them.  It's nice to know there is someone who truly listens and tells you her honest feelings.  Not all of our thoughts or feelings are always going to be right.  But, they are right for us!  Sometimes my wording is off and I think I've upset someone, so that makes me feel bad about not being more careful.  I understand how that happens too!

As far as your MIL goes.  She is a woman who truly created a monster.  She may have raised him that way, but when he moved in with his partner for life, I believe there was no reason to go into his home with you and tell him to stop.  No not even after an hour.  Would you have walked into her house and told her husband (your FIL) to stop working on a project?  You have probably already thought about this.  I can see how you would be worried about getting involved again!  I'm in the same boat!  LOL!

HUGE hug flying at you! ;D

cremebrulee

right backatcha coco
thanks so much

Pen

Hey, I'm so sorry if I sounded critical or brusque! Creme, you mean the world to me and to the site. I was trying to be funny, but I think I must have sounded harsh instead. Some days I can't get on here until I'm too tired to make sense. I'm so so so sorry.

I'm secure in how I raised my kids. They were challenging and we had no help from grandparents or outside resources. We did the absolute very best we could, and they turned out to be amazing adults. DIL is just trying to maneuver her parents into #1 grandparent status ahead of time. :)

Hugs to you all! Thanks for all the support!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb