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Taking a "back seat"

Started by Sassy, February 15, 2010, 05:09:54 pm

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Pen

Notaccepted, is rejection what you're looking for? I feel that this site goes overboard to welcome DILs who are truly trying to build a relationship with their MILs. I'm sorry you feel that DILs aren't welcome.

Your story about your friend is very sad. For some reason he had difficulty breaking away from his mom during the appropriate time (17 - 21 years? Isn't that when sons usually want to go their own way?) Mom's fault? Son's fault? Son blaming mom for his own fears about commitment? Who knows?

I haven't seen any statistics on the number of wack-o moms/MILs who tie their sons to them forever vs. the number of normal ones who expect their sons to grow up and start families of their own and who has the most MIL/DIL trouble of the two groups, but I know the MILs on this site are mostly of the latter group. They continue to try against unbelievable odds, and are thrilled to get a DILs reasonable perspective.

Based on what I've read on this site, your friend's story 'feeds a stereotype' that isn't true here. It's a reminder to all of us that in many places we're judged the minute we're identified as MILs and we might be sensitive about it. It's also a reminder of behavior we do not want to emulate!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Well, I guess I could have renamed our site "Stereotypes Anonymous." It's easy to go there on either side of the coin. That's what the hate sites are all about. Truth be told, there are a lot of off-the-wall MILs and DILs and when we are deep into experiencing one or the other, I'm sure we see them everywhere we turn.

This isn't the place to take up arms for either point of view. It's not that kind of site. All DILs aren't like this and all MILs are not like that. Both points of view are defensible and we are "Wise Women" when we don't take exception to each other. The bottom line is kindness and when that is too hard to come by, tolerance.

I'm sorry you have felt unwelcome. If that's true, I'm not sure it's the general consensus. You are smart (dare I say a Wise Woman) to just pass on posts you disagree with. That's what I do. Look at my negative Karma. I have 12 minuses! I feel unwelcome lots of the time. I have noticed that you have changed your name. Maybe I should change mine to "The Minus Queen and Proud of It!"  ;D What can say?

If this site no longer works for you, that's something else all-together. You need to feel that it serves you. It's not everyone's cup of tea but I think you have a lot to offer.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

renny97

Quote from: cremebrulee on February 17, 2010, 04:22:08 am
Quotenotaccepted&finewithit
I sometimes, become dumb founded when I read DIL's & MIL's who have these problems...and wonder, what in God's name is wrong with people...how did they get this way...how can they live day in and day out, thriving and feeding off of causing problems between family members, to the point that they cut us off from our GC, son's etc?


NA&FWI,
Simple and true. This is what is so hard to understand. Especially, if we don't live our own lives this way. Hard to comprehend. We are coming from a loving place and "expect" loved ones to be this way, too.

2chickiebaby

Renny,
I will always remember what you said about dysfunction having a shelf life.  I hope so....I hope this mixed up feeling we have with our DILs gets over by the time they have DILs.  I would not want this to follow them.  It's too much for people to take.

renny97

Some of the most profound understandings have come from simple statements. It is pure dysfunction. When I get exhausted trying to find "reasons" for the hurtful feelings, I just find one word that sums it up.

I think I misquoted NA&FWI. I think it was Creme's quote? I was cutting and pasting, and sorry, if that happened. I found the message/quote to be so meaningful. Anyone, correct me.

thesecondwife

"
When MIL's act like this, to me, it doesn't seem like they're playing with a full deck, however, since I've been writing on the forums, it shocks me how dysfunctional so many people are.  Any loving mother would realize, her son's need to live they're lives, need to marry and go forward...be greatful for the opportunity to give birth and raise a child...however, these mothers, don't seem to understand, they're son's are married, and must live a whole new life.  It's change, which life gives us to enable us to learn how to adapt...and go forward, nothing ever stays the same.  And what really shocks me is a mother like this, actually believes, she can hold onto her sons at all costs.

This should be a totally new and enveloping life for her, children grown, now time to slow down and travel, get to know hubby again...why is it, some mothers, depend on they're son's for happiness....I do know that a lot of mothers do way to much for they're sons, creating a monster for the women who marry him....b/c they waited on him hand and foot...to make your children your whole purpose in life is so wrong...so very distorted and goes against the whole of nature..."

Beautifully said. My XMIL was like the friend's M. She once even told my XH that he was a bad son for moving out of her house and in with me and getting married. I could not wrap my mind around it. It was very strange to me.

2chickiebaby

Second Wife,
That is not what we are about.  Please be assured, we have lives.


luise.volta

C/B - Some of us do...many of us do...(have lives) and then there are the exceptions where pathology reigns. Sad.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

I agree there are MILs who can't let go - my dad's mom was one of them. She was a "cling-on" from the day she gave birth to him and was cruel to my mother after she and dad married. Her behavior made my parents limit their exposure to her, quite rightly.

However, most of us here are not MILs of that nature. Because of my mom's experience, which I observed first hand, I was very aware of how to be a good MIL. But suddenly, without warning, we were shunned and hated by DIL. DS was livid; he must have said something to her because she is trying to be more tolerant. We're still wary but hoping it'll work out.

These are the kinds of DIL issues a lot of us are dealing with here. We're confused and hurt, and we miss having an easy, comfortable relationship with our DSs. I LOVE having time to myself and time to spend with my husband! I absolutely do not yearn to have adult children living under my roof! However, it would be nice to feel like I still have a family. No one thinks DIL's parents are clingy or inappropriate when they get together every weekend and holiday after spending the whole work week together!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

I know what you mean, Penstamen....I was thinking about all this today and wondered why is it necessary to cease having a good relationship with your son when they marry?  I will never understand. What is the threat? 

Some of the DILs can turn a beautiful book into a horrible, disturbed writing if it contains something 'kind' that a son did for his Mother. It's okay, though if the book was about something 'kind' a Daughter did for her Mother.  They'd get all bubbly over that.

I will never understand. 

I have a friend who has an adopted but much loved son.  She willingly made the birth mother a part of her son's life.  She thought it was for his own good.  He has had a child now and is gravitating towards his birth mother and almost ignoring my friend.   What a heartbreak for my friend!!
 

renny97

Quote from: penstamen on February 17, 2010, 04:45:05 pm
No one thinks DIL's parents are clingy or inappropriate when they get together every weekend and holiday after spending the whole work week together!

Exactly! Good choice of words. I, too, like my solitude. But, apparently, none of her family could bare that and that is why they constantly need to stop by their daughter's house and call every day (son and her both said this) and spend the weekend there with or without grandkids. And, the only main road to her parents house goes right passed mine! Yippeee! Think we will go see other Grandma? NOT. Basic rights, where'd those go? Why can't her folks sit home alone? A little insecure looking at each other? Can't walk from one room to the next without knowing what her daughter is doing? And, the son's MIL get's what? That is what I am talking a about.

A little unfair? More. Must be a "joke" right???  :(

cocobars

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 17, 2010, 05:08:29 pm
I know what you mean, Penstamen....I was thinking about all this today and wondered why is it necessary to cease having a good relationship with your son when they marry?  I will never understand. What is the threat? 

Some of the DILs can turn a beautiful book into a horrible, disturbed writing if it contains something 'kind' that a son did for his Mother. It's okay, though if the book was about something 'kind' a Daughter did for her Mother.  They'd get all bubbly over that.

I will never understand. 

I have a friend who has an adopted but much loved son.  She willingly made the birth mother a part of her son's life.  She thought it was for his own good.  He has had a child now and is gravitating towards his birth mother and almost ignoring my friend.   What a heartbreak for my friend!!


That's sad.  Your friend must feel like she's living in a nightmare.  I'm so sorry Chickie!

You should tell her about this wonderful site.  The support here may help her with all she must be going through.

2chickiebaby

I think I will....she's so fragile right now that I don't know if she can handle it.  Sometimes, even when we're writing, our words don't sound like we mean them to.

No matter how hard I try, my words might come across as not sound good to the other person.

Has anyone noticed that? 

RedRose

Quote from: thesecondwife on February 17, 2010, 09:50:14 am
".I do know that a lot of mothers do way to much for they're sons, creating a monster for the women who marry him....b/c they waited on him hand and foot...to make your children your whole purpose in life is so wrong...so very distorted and goes against the whole of nature..."


My dil said this to me once while they were living with me...I created a monster because I did so much for him as he was growing up.
Well maybe I did spoil him at times...my children WERE  my whole purpose in life until they moved out of my house and created their own lives.

I guess my dil expected me to teach him to cook all meals, clean the house, do the laundry, cut the grass, shovel the snow, take care of the kids cause she had them all day etc....work 12 hour days....and still have time to be a good husband.

Sometimes you have to give a little to make a marriage work...be equal partners...
you make your marriage work...I have nothing to do with that. 

2chickiebaby

In the world where all is equal between men and women now, all warm and toasty, do mother's of Daughters spoil them ^question mark^