Taking a "back seat"

[cremebrulee]

Sassy, Chickie is right on the money...you are definately a great DIL...

but, from now on, if she says something to that affect, do what my mother used to do....say to here, while grabbing her by the arm lovingly...come on, we need to talk....and then tell her how you feel, b/c I think, she's actually asking you how you feel by making that statement, about her taking a back seat....your awareness is admirable, and what makes me love you so much...you are an ideal DIL...however, please don't beat yourself up for your feelings...

Sassy, we grow, we evolve, we make mistakes and learn from them, by our mistakes...and I'm not saying you made them, but, what I will say is, your growth in such a short time is outstanding, and know, that I was where you are once...and so was your MIL...I don't know the whole situation, but I feel, if you sit her down and lovingly but firmly tell her your feelings...you will find out what her motives are quicker then if you beat around the bush and continue to allow her to get away with things....a lot of reasons for a relationship's downfall is lack of communication and second guessing someone else, when all we have to go by is our very own personal cultures and beliefs...if you talk to her and she starts making excuses for her actions, instead of looking interested and/or saying, ohhhhh my, that was not my intent, I'm going to have to work on that, but if you express to her, how important she is to you, and she's happy, then her husband will be happy....which in turn creates such a peaceful envioronment for everyone....

remember, the more you enable them, the more they will take, which is human nature...once in a while, we humans have to pull out the stops to get people to hear us, and that's the important issue here, listening...I hope she listens to you. 

and please, if anyone thinks my advice to Sassy is wrong, please, please chime in, as I don't want things to get worse for her, b/c I suggested to her to do something about it....

big hugs...
creme

[cremebrulee]

Back seat, literally ?  I have a question.  When I'm out with my hubby & mil. I always give the front passenger seat to my mil.  She is older & has trouble getting in & out of the car.  When I go out with son & dil I always have to sit in the back seat, when out with oson & fdil, fdil always gives me the front seat.  Out of respect for my mil, & fdil, out of respect for me, give up the front seat.   What does giving up the front seat say about fdil & me, & what does not giving up the front seat say abput dil??   I found this thread very interesting & thought provoking.  Thanx Sassy, great topic.  I don't mind the "back seat".  What I don't like is being trashed on the curb.

it doesn't say anything about you or her...not really, she could be doing it to hurt you, but then again, it could be her culture, the way she was raised...and she just doesn't know any different, or isn't aware enough to understand, however, you are, it is simply a difference in two seperate individual beliefs....

sure it's nice to do that...and my DIL could say she was doing that for me, but every single time we got in the car, she'd ask and I'd say, no, I'd really like to sit in the back with GD...but she kept at me and at me, everytime we got in the car....I didn't pay money to fly all the way down there to not spend quality time with my GD....so, do you see my point...it depends on the person, and what they were raised to believe...just b/c you think that way, Chickie, doesn't make you right or wrong, and the same with your DIL...it's who they are and if we can learn to accept that, then the small things can be left as small things? 

even if you'd disagree with this post, doesn't make me right or you wrong, or me right or wrong, as there is no right or wrong answer...people are who and what they were raised to believe, it's they're culture....

[2chickiebaby]

I'm not the one who said this, Creme.

[cremebrulee]

Hi all. I am new here and post on the "other" site too. LOL. I am divorced from an emotionally abusive man and had a difficult MIL and SIL! I guess I am a veteran, huh? Anyway, I read every post and they all gave good advice. I think your MIL is having a hard time letting go too. My XMIL had a difficult time when XH and I moved in together and even when we married! We tried to reassure her too but she had this hate campaign against me.  I now have a BF that is awesome now and his parents are really nice. I must say its a breath of fresh air! But, maybe try having lunch with your MIL (You and DH) and talk to her about your boundaries and set some healthy ones. Let her know that you appreciate her advice, but that you are adults now and need to make your own decisions and own mistakes. That's how you learn!  Good luck!

That's a great idea...I like it, but I'm wondering, if she might feel like she's being ganged up on, if hubby is there also, but then again, it could work the other way, if hubby is there to validate he feels the same way?  depends on the MIL I guess....but welcome and nice to have you here....

Hugs
Creme

[cremebrulee]

I'm not the one who said this, Creme.

ahhh, my bad, silly me, so sorry Chickie...I should have said Anna....

thanks...

[renny97]

I knew that Sassy had asked the question. I guess I didn't make myself clear.

Sassy, it sounds like your MIL IS overstepping her boundary. She shouldn't feel entitled to any decisions regarding her son and you and your business matters. Sometimes, I think at the beginning, some MILs seem to have a harder time of the healthy letting go. New boundaries are being formed even though neither MIL or DIL realize it. You don't have to respond in anger, but both you and husband, have to unite in letting her know politely, that "we discuss these matters on our own, and if we need some further advice we will surely let you know." That would tell me, "Hey, I am pushing here" and give a reminder of the new situation and backoff.

I think it is like setting up the foundation for this new "family dynamic." Really, no one has the experience of this situation between MIL and DIL, and it may be from lack of knowing how to interact. Things have changed, and many people, in general, do not like change. But, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think a lot relies on healthy backgrounds of all involved. Not to say, blame everything on our parents, but it does provide some generalities as to how we treat others. We cannot have the same expectations of others, and I think that is the beginning of a problem I am learning.

Our sons like different parts of the DIL's personality that a MIL may find not so attractive. There are so many factors. But, we aren't married to them. I do think, MIL's have a "save" attitude. But, our "job" is done. We are no longer the "protectors." Son and wife, have to learn on their own. That is very hard for some MILs.

We all know, it isn't possible to get along with everyone. How does a MIL or DIL handle conflict? Sons don't ask that.

I think in some ways, DILs do have to nudge the MIL to the realization that you have the wishes of husband in mind. It is okay. I had respect for DIL as a mother. I went through it all; being called names, her parents "superiority" and controlling their lives...and was fine with that, until it just wouldn't stop. Then, the GC got older, and I started to see my GC transform into saying the same snotty remarks she had overheard, I lost respect for DIL. I didn't mind the put downs, until I felt that I was being totally driven out and until I was; my GC was being used as a pawn. I felt that is all I could handle. It made me realize this is how DIL must have "grown up". We were raised not to call other people names in our original family, especially amung each other. We all have different upbringings. This was a very natural aspect to DIL's family. Everyone was a "piece of crap."

You had mentioned the "pendulum." It swung too far for me to fit in anywhere. I was being terminated.

So, don't feel wrong if your MIL pushes too much. It doesn't mean disrespect to reset the boundaries. Respect should always be given, until someone continues to disrespect us with full intention.

Sorry, this is so long, but I think because you are starting out, it is an important reminder of how things can be healthy and loving. Sometimes, it sure isn't easy. But, by dealing with things in a kind way, it will hopefully eliminate resentment. But, there is simply nothing wrong with asking for respect as a couple. I, believe, I did that. It simply crossed the line.

DIL's family had too much influence over her. And, I finally reached a point, where I could no longer tolerate the verbal abuse. It was not fair to GC. If they were to be poisoned, I would have nothing to do with it. That was my final straw (metaphor). 

After all that, I realized, I meant "backseat" to mean the way "I felt." But, as so many have pointed out, I didn't want "center stage" only a glimmer of respect, instead of the waste bin.

[Sassy]

The differences in the literal back seat are interesting, too.   The front seat as a seat of honor, versus next to the child seat as the preferred place. 

Some here know my history; there are other, bigger problems in play right now.  Currently, DH is not regularly speaking to MIL.   The most recent conversations were him asking her to go to family counseling with him.  MIL agreed, twice, then she ended up not going both times. 

DH's biggest problem with MIL is that she says bad things about me to him, and to her mother (DH's grandmother) and her sister (DH's Aunt) and they approach him as mediators, but they don't know all the facts.   They just know MIL's distressed, and they want him to do as she asks, so she won't be.  On his end, he's tired of hearing untrue things, and he's asked MIL to stop so many times.  He tends to avoid his Aunt, but his Grandmother is elderly and I can tell he feels cheated that they can't have a nice conversation anymore.   

I'd say MIL's biggest problem with DH is that he used to pay for a lot of her bills, especially shopping ones, no questions asked.  When he shifted his financial focus towards our future, she apparently concluded that I was preventing him from doing what he always did for her. Though we work in similar positions, she refers to me as a gold-digger.   Its true that resources (time, money) he once had available for her, he no longer does.  I do not tell him how to spend money, and neither does he tell me.  We both have the same goals, and both inherently work towards them.   

DH gets annoyed when MIL mails her bills to him.  He usually just mails them back.  But what hurts him, is what MIL says to him about me, and what MIL says to the people she goes to for support.  He doesn't want to talk to her when every conversation is questions about what he's buying.  He's told her that multiple times, and she doesn't stop.  Common sense would seem that then she doesn't want to talk to him.  But she still calls and texts and emails us to see us.  He tells me to ignore it, as he does, until he gathers his wits and approaches her again.  (This approach and retreat cycle has been continuing for months).  He doesn't want to see her, if she can't stop "trashing" me.

This is off the topic, I realize.  I thank everyone for their insight.  Because I was offered so much advice, too,  I thought it relevant to explain while it's part of what we're facing, it's not the top issue.

[just2baccepted]

 I recently got a different/fresh perspective on child/parent dynamics.  My DH recently had a friend come in from another state to spend a few days with us.  He's reaching middle age is never married.  Not sure why though, he seems like a nice enough guy.

DH, friend and I were all sitting around the table last night talking and I we were talking about our families.  I casually mentioned that I found out in the last couple years that my IL's really didnt' like me too and are very critical of me and most anything I do.  I didn't go into detail as to not "air too much of our dirty laundry."

This is what he told us about his mom:
She's very emotional and has a hard time when her two boys are not living in the same area as her.  He limits information to her b/c of some of her reactions to certain things that may be going on his life.  He never takes money from any relative so to not give them an opening or opportunity to try and control him.    He said just before he left to see us she called him crying about something.  He said he feels like he has reassure her a lot.

So after he got done explaining this I said, "so do you think she'd have a hard time with a new wife if you were to get married."  And he said a resounding "yes"  He said that his mom would immediately butt heads with the new wife.    The friend then told me that my MIL probably views me as not being good enough for my DH and that MIL resents me b/c she raised him and probably feels that I don't meet her standards for her child.  He said that is exactly how he thinks his mom would feel about someone he married.

I don't understand this.  Like many other posters it would nice if we could all just be friends.  This poor mom is setting herself up to not be liked from the get go by the friend's wife.  I suspect that when he gets married the relatinionship  with his mom will really dwindle b/c of the friends concern of how his mom will treat his new wife.

That's my thoughts on why a MIL might end up having to literally "take a back seat"  If she really pushes the DIL away like that.

[2chickiebaby]

You did nothing, Anna.  Nothing.  We're not worried about our son's marrying beneath themselves, at least I'm not....and I don't think anyone here is.

I don't care who my sons married, I would have loved her or tried to love her. 

[renny97]

Sassy, that is way too much MIL. Your DH, was taken advantage of by his mother. And, the nerve of his mother, to expect more. The more you both take care of your own matters, the more she acts out. That is so sad.

It is not your DH's responsibility. It is still probably stressful, too. It may be that the relationship with his mother, may not be able to be maintained if only on a financial basis. I am sorry. Be as kind as you can and accept no guilt.

You are the DIL we would love to have...can we adopt?

((Hugs))
Renny

[cocobars]

Sassy, it sounds like the shifting of financial responsibility with the introduction of you into his family is what may have caused her insecurity and "gold-digging" remarks.  Do you think DH (if he hasn't already) can pull her aside and talk to her about that aspect, and try to reason with her that she must realize that sooner or later the possibility of him meeting his "life partner" would have been an issue.  Anyone he would have gotten involved with would have gotten that reaction from her. 

Give her some time to see that she hasn't lost a son, but gained a daughter.  Remind her of that in a loving way.  I really hope you can push away her insecurity, but if you can't, be good to yourselves too.  You deserve a pat on the back for your understanding and efforts.  Don't give up yet, but don't take blame either! Some MIL's just can't let go so quickly, and I' have seen others who never let go.  Help her realize that she has a new daughter, instead of competition.  After time I hope she will come to understand that and relax.  If she does, she will see you for who you are and you may be able to "start" with a wonderful relationship.  I make no promises, just want to give hope.  Sometimes hope really does make dreams come true.

Sassy, you would be the "dream" DIL for any MIL on this site.  You aren't trying to poison your husbands relationship, but are putting efforts in to understand his mother.  I still think thing could work for you.  I think you will have the patience to reach her.  There are always those situations where we can't change things.  If you get to a place where you realize she isn't going to change, then be easy on yourself and know you are doing your very best...

[cremebrulee]

notaccepted&finewithit
She's very emotional and has a hard time when her two boys are not living in the same area as her.  He limits information to her b/c of some of her reactions to certain things that may be going on his life.  He never takes money from any relative so to not give them an opening or opportunity to try and control him.    He said just before he left to see us she called him crying about something.  He said he feels like he has reassure her a lot.

So after he got done explaining this I said, "so do you think she'd have a hard time with a new wife if you were to get married."  And he said a resounding "yes"  He said that his mom would immediately butt heads with the new wife.    The friend then told me that my MIL probably views me as not being good enough for my DH and that MIL resents me b/c she raised him and probably feels that I don't meet her standards for her child.  He said that is exactly how he thinks his mom would feel about someone he married.

I don't understand this.  Like many other posters it would nice if we could all just be friends.  This poor mom is setting herself up to not be liked from the get go by the friend's wife.  I suspect that when he gets married the relatinionship  with his mom will really dwindle b/c of the friends concern of how his mom will treat his new wife.

When MIL's act like this, to me, it doesn't seem like they're playing with a full deck, however, since I've been writing on the forums, it shocks me how dysfunctional so many people are.  Any loving mother would realize, her son's need to live they're lives, need to marry and go forward...be greatful for the opportunity to give birth and raise a child...however, these mothers, don't seem to understand, they're son's are married, and must live a whole new life.  It's change, which life gives us to enable us to learn how to adapt...and go forward, nothing ever stays the same.  And what really shocks me is a mother like this, actually believes, she can hold onto her sons at all costs. 

This should be a totally new and enveloping life for her, children grown, now time to slow down and travel, get to know hubby again...why is it, some mothers, depend on they're son's for happiness....I do know that a lot of mothers do way to much for they're sons, creating a monster for the women who marry him....b/c they waited on him hand and foot...to make your children your whole purpose in life is so wrong...so very distorted and goes against the whole of nature...

Yanno, it's sad to think about, but perhaps she is the reason he never married...he fears putting someone thru this....

I'm also sorry your MIL does not appreciate the fact that her son, married a beautiful woman...and realized, she is now blessed in having two children.

I could not have other children, and so badly wanted more....the loss of 3 was very painful....however, I knew someday my son would marry, and saw ahead, to a daughter and grandchildren...

One of the things that I always thought about was...I cannot wait to sit back and observe my son, him, finally realizing and experiencing love and marriage and parenthood...

I sometimes, become dumb founded when I read DIL's & MIL's who have these problems...and wonder, what in God's name is wrong with people...how did they get this way...how can they live day in and day out, thriving and feeding off of causing problems between family members, to the point that they cut us off from our GC, son's etc?  And then there are wonderful DIL's as yourself...and those here in this forum who feel the same way we do....trying to work it out and understand someone, who refuses to give love, and giving love means, letting go of your sons...allowing them to become a man...a parent, husband, and not interfering....it absolutely amazes me...are human beings that stagnated in they're own selfishness and greed?  Not to mention, the years and years of pain they cause so many other people, whose lives they change for the worse?  I don't get it and never will....

I'm glad your here  and hope that somehow this will all smooth over for you...

[2chickiebaby]

That is one man's story and his relationship with his Mother....it's not the way the vast majority of us feel.  In fact, it's not the way most Mothers feel about a new loved one coming into their son's life.

This story just feeds the stereotype. 

[cremebrulee]

Sassy, I don't know what to say, except I wish your husband could somehow get your MIL in long term counseling...
a friend of mine, who I've written about before, whose wife cut off his mother from they're lives...well they had 3 kids...he is now 62, but his entire life was spent working long long hours to keep from going home and cut off his mother, b/c his wife was insecure, very nasty and controlling...when we talk on the phone and I share stories with him about my DIL...he is constantly saying, I can't believe how much your DIL is like my wife? 

Anyway, his children will have no contact with her...until she agrees to go to counseling with them...she still refuses....I don't get it...why?  Can't they see the pain they're causing everyone, most of all themselves...

I would go to counseling in a heartbeat with my DIL and son!?

Sassy, perhaps, your husband could do the same thing, tell her, he is cutting her off completely unless she go to counseling with him....?  I know it's tough to do...or, I wonder if counselors come to the home? 

Your in my thoughts and prayers....

[just2baccepted]

That is one man's story and his relationship with his Mother....it's not the way the vast majority of us feel.  In fact, it's not the way most Mothers feel about a new loved one coming into their son's life.

This story just feeds the stereotype.

His story was not just one story to me or a stereotype.  When he was telling his story it reminded me very much of the very real situation that I am going through.

It seems to me that on occasion you have lumped DIL's into one category as well.  I haven't posted on here much lately because of comments towards me like this.  If I don't like what someone has said lately I just bypass it.

I noticed the name of the site has recently changed but I feel like some posters are being made to feel like they are not welcome here anymore.