My son is pushing me out of his life

[MONICAE]

I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.

[cremebrulee]

I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.

hello and welcome...I enjoyed reading your post...and you my friend are to be commended, as I read no resentment in your voice at all...just understanding and compassion....

It's so nice to hear feedback from a DIL like yourself...thank you

[Hope]

I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.

MONICAE,
Thanks for your reply.  I agree with Creme - I commend you for your compassion and understanding as well.  What lucky in-laws you have!  I remember those extremely busy years when our three children were young and active.  I really wished I hadn't mentioned the gifts we gave our DS/DIL in my original post.  It has really given the wrong impression.  I understand why some readers felt that the money was the issue, but with all honesty I only mentioned the money to demonstrate that we are very good to them.  I am being totally accurate when I say that we never mentioned to DS/DIL the gifts or money given to them and don't ask for anything in return.  It may help to read my reply to Creme shortly after my opening post.  Actually, this website has really helped me see that what we are going through with our DS/DIL's distance is not that uncommon when son's marry and there are a lot of MIL's out there going through so much worse.  I truly feel for the MIL's on this site that are suffering (and DIL's such as yourself).   
Hugs to all, Hope

[Hope]

Thank you Luise, it was hard.  I sit at a computer all day.  I'm an Intelligence Annotator.  I've done it before.  I forgot how exhausting it is.  I remember now!  The man I was working for is someone I've worked before.  It's a good job for a temp, and looks very impressive on my resume.  That's a good thing.  I'm not complaining.

I missed you too!

Coco - Would you mind sharing what an Intelligence Annotator is?  It sounds very interesting. 

[luise.volta]

Yes, Coco...is your job in surveillance...noting what/who needs to be checked out? I don't have a clue.

[cocobars]

Luise, yes it is.  This is what I can tell you about my job, as it is also public knowledge and I believe it has been aired on the discovery channel.  I go through survellience tapes and identify certain activities on the clips by cars/trucks/people/even doors.  Mainly movement, but activities like digging or carrying a shovel, and some others I won't go into.  I mark the tapes in the exact spot where activity begins and ends and we have software made for this program, called Viper software.  You've seen the old President Kennedy assasination tapes (maybe on the news) that have boxes drawn around people in them hopefully (where one person has been watched frame by frame).  Those people have been carefully watched on those tapes (or clips we call them).  Every little visible movement has been annotated in each frame.  We can watch a crowded scene and annotate every person in the crowd, noting what they are doing at every mili-second in the clip, unless their actions are occluded by someone or something. 

The clips I am going through are taken from an unmanned aircraft called the Predator drone.  It has some pretty high powered camera equipment on board and is small and light enough to fly above the clouds, undetected, but the camera's are so powerful that even though it is flying above the clouds, it picks up the people on the ground who have no idea it is there (they can't hear the engine or see it).  It has missles that are extremely accurate!  A fly could be fired on with complete accuracy (if you could see him through the camera although a fly is too little to pick up)!  This "Predator" is flown by a pilot who is sitting in an office at a computer.  The fighter pilots don't have to leave the country and be at risk.  They go to an office and fly these unmanned planes from offices, then go back home after work (just like everyone else!  HA!).

I will see if I can find out from my boss, this Discovery Channel airing and post it so you can watch.  It's really interesting...

[Hope]

Coco, that WAS very interesting - you didn't disappoint.  I can see how exhausting a job like that could be, yet as you said "impressive on a resume".  I didn't know the aircraft you are surveying, Predator drone, even existed, but it is mind boggling!   The women on this site are wise in all kinds of ways.    
Speaking from the heart, thanks for all the encouragement you have given me and so many others.

[cocobars]

Oh Hope.  I've been watching you too!  I believe you have so much to offer out to this site and the women who need you!  Your wording and compassion has a "far" reach.  That's important!

Thank you for being here!

P.S. - I've sent an email to my boss, asking for that URL (discovery channel).  I'll post as soon as I can, but if I don't send that, I'll forget!  HAHAHA!

[luise.volta]

Wow! No wonder you're wiped out when you get home! So, what is some  of your background regarding education and career history that brought you to that kind of work? (Ignore: if inappropriate, of course.) PING!

[cocobars]

Luise, thank you.  This is something that just "fell into my lap."  I did not really have the credentials I needed.  I worked selling homes for a builder when I first moved up here, then went and took a real estate class and passed the tests to become licensed, did that for awhile.  The market was too slow and I ended up barely breaking even, so I had to quit when some RE fee's came up that I didn't have the money for.  I went and applied at a temp agency, and passed their tests.  They sent me on several "regular" temp jobs in offices and for attorneys,  then I got a call one day from my "temp" bosses boss, asking how my background was.  I said fine!  He asked me if I would be interested in a government position if I passed the background check and they would pay for my secret security clearance.  I already knew those clearances are expensive and open more "job" doors, so I jumped at in, filling in all the paperwork.  It took a little time to go through, but they put me to work in another area while we waited, with a regular government clearance, which I believe is just a background check or clearance.

I had no training and have been trained and picked all of it up from the boss (about my son's age).  He's a brilliant man.  He was telling me one day when I was still new and learning, that this job usually requires a master's degree.  I got the impression the companies are saving money by finding temps to do allot of jobs that are usually high paying, because he said the job typically pays somewhere around 6 figures and will be good for anyone's resume.  The fact that he gave me a letter of personal reference when I left is even better.  Of course, he called me back in but for a different group doing the same work. 

Anyway, I do not have the credentials, but I have the experience and references now.  I'm not sure that means I'll be paid the money, but I feel it's very lucky (or I believe blessed).  I believe God takes you in directions sometimes that you don't always expect, because my dreams of what I need are not always what God "knows" I need, and sometimes as you Luise say, "from those dark places, miracles are born!"  I believe only God could have put me in the right place in time to work at a job I liked, without the education needed, especially in this tough job market.  You just never know and are not in control, but I go with the flow and the flow has been good, even if I'm not a permanent employee making those big bucks.  I'm still seeing interesting - which is allot this day and age, with so many people bored or working jobs they don't like.  I don't know where this will lead, but so far, I'm amazed...

[luise.volta]

Fascinating!! Thank you! I firmly believe that when we pray..."Thy will be done" it can leave a us a lot of room. We tend to dream small. Some pray for "This or something better"  or "Hey, you know...surprise me!" :-) Again, not knowing is a great door opener! Look at you! 

I did Real Estate, too, but times were too good and I was making money I didn't need and had no time for myself.

[luise.volta]

Yes, I would have stayed in it if I'd been single and could have been "married" to it but I had a life. That was over 30 years ago.

[cocobars]

It is definately a "time hog."  You must have been in it at a good time.  Unfortunately, I wasn't.  But that's ok.  I think it was fun and I have good memories of it.  I did notice that so many people were "married" to it, but when it started getting into my family and privat time, I just put my private time on the calendar.  It was an appointment too!  I got that advice from another agent who was doing really well, but had been in the business for awhile.  They said it was the only way to have private time.  Put yourself on your schedule and when someone wants that particular time schedule around it, you're booked!  HA!  I thought it was great advice and worked for me.  I just couldn't wait for the market...

[luise.volta]

I tried that but I'd get a call and felt I had to answer it in case it was a family member...and then the person would say, "We've decided to take it. Can you come right over?" That even happened in the middle of the night! People were coming into the office that I'd never met and asking for me while refusing to talk with anyone else...and people were asking me to find property for them and write it up without seeing it. No room to breathe!

Bad timing for me, too! My then-husband found himself someone else and left me...the big baby. I see him now and then because we are friends with him and with his wife (the other woman) and I always look upward and say..."Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" 

[RedRose]

I also was in real estate from about 1991-2000. It about took over my life.
Weekends and evenings were the busy times. I had no personal time and my children needed me. Sometimes I had to bring my son along to showings. I learned to schedule me time into a calender too. I could not stand the fees and extra costs...so I just stopped when I moved and of course I didn't know the area well.