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My son is pushing me out of his life

Started by Hope, February 15, 2010, 01:18:28 PM

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Hope

Good friend,
I love your new old saying.

Carolina Gal

If someone would have asked me if my son would ever behave the way I have seen the last couple of months, I would have emphatically said no!  I think his heart is gone and I could never have imagined the coldhearted and souless being I now see.  I also worry about the pressure he must be under with her ravings and rantings.  A mother never really stops being concerned about her child's welfare....Seems odd that I should care when he could care less.  Yes I think the DIL sole purpose is to convince him of what an awful person I am and he is blind as a bat to her intentions.

cocobars

Hi Carolina!  Wow!  You have really left some great posts today!

I went through a similar thing with my son and DIL.  They finally separated and he ended up living with me (for now).  When he first moved in, I was elated - she wouldn't even let me talk to him and I got to actually talk to him AND get his answers (not hers).  I wasn't even able to talk to him over the phone, because she could hear the conversation and I would hear her telling him what to say everytime I asked him something (there was an echo effect to our conversations).  LOL!

I never would have wished separation, but I have to admit at first I was secretly happy, because I could have whole conversations with him!  I want to tell you that we also had a conversation about this subject.  He said he loves me and always had, but she was his wife and he had to make sure she was happy (I read between the lines from my experience).  I don't know if they will work things out, so I don't press these conversations too much, but I hope this helps you in some small way.

I believe he still loves you with all his heart!

Hang in there and take care!

Pen

Carolina, I feel your pain. Coco, thanks for the uplifting post!

DS has been walking the fine line himself since he married. He's spoken up once or twice and DIL acts nicer around us, but I still sense his reluctance to show how much he loves us in front of her. She's made it clear how she feels. It's good to hear what your DS said when he 'crossed back over from the other side,' Coco! I have to believe that it's DIL causing problems for him, and he just wants to follow his vows as best he can. That's honorable, and I'm proud of him for that. A few days ago he called and was very brusque, just passing along info I needed and then said goodby. Before he could hang up I quickly told him I wanted to catch up since we don't get to talk much anymore. There was a moment's hesitation and then we talked for quite awhile. He called later with more news. So, there is hope, Carolina. I agree with Coco.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Marilyn

Carolina,i have had the same thing happen with my son,and felt the same way you do.That was 6 yrs ago,and finally things are looking up.He called me this morning,i got to talk to my two GC and him for almost an hour.He told me he would start calling me on a weekly basis.And they are planning on coming to see me this spring.I hope he follows thru.
I'm sure your son is under a lot of pressure,and he does love you.He is struggling to cope with your DIL's issue's.Our DIL's do try to make us look like we are awful people.I have learned not to react to the nonsense,and it took me a while to get there.It takes us all by surprise,and we give them ammo with out realizing it.The things my DIL did,and her mother,who was the biggest instigator of all........still blows me away.But i feel by not reacting,and it took all i had, it was very painful,it is slowly turning in my favor.
You know in your heart,and God knows, what kind of person you are,thats all that really matters.

sending you a hug

cocobars

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 28, 2010, 12:42:31 PM
Carolina,i have had the same thing happen with my son,and felt the same way you do.That was 6 yrs ago,and finally things are looking up.He called me this morning,i got to talk to my two GC and him for almost an hour.He told me he would start calling me on a weekly basis.And they are planning on coming to see me this spring.I hope he follows thru.
I'm sure your son is under a lot of pressure,and he does love you.He is struggling to cope with your DIL's issue's.Our DIL's do try to make us look like we are awful people.I have learned not to react to the nonsense,and it took me a while to get there.It takes us all by surprise,and we give them ammo with out realizing it.The things my DIL did,and her mother,who was the biggest instigator of all........still blows me away.But i feel by not reacting,and it took all i had, it was very painful,it is slowly turning in my favor.
You know in your heart,and God knows, what kind of person you are,thats all that really matters.

sending you a hug
I agree!  It's really hard not to react sometimes but it's good strategy, or seems to be.  My son didn't know I felt that way until he moved in when they first separated.  I remember the first time I talked to him about it, he looked like deer in the headlights!  LOL!  He did get to talk later though, but said he didn't know I felt that way!  HAHAHA!  I guess I was a pretty good piece of furniture! :-X  It sounds to me like you are very realistic about your situation.  I think he loves you!  I know you love him! :)

By the way, good for you Mominwaiting!  I'm crossing my fingers that he keeps to his promise and follows through!  This will help make spring special!


Barbie

I think deep down our sons love us. I know my son is a very sensitive person and he misses us but he's not allowed to show it, our dils think it 's a sign of wickness.
Mominwaiting, I'm very happy for you and hope it all works out.

cocobars

I believe you're right, guest1.  I didn't know it until my son came back to live with me after their separation.  They do love us all, but they are making their wives happy!  This is at least what was in my son's head...

Carolina Gal

Mom in Waiting - Thanks for the prospect of hope.  I waver from feeling like I need to face the worst to praying desperately for improvement.  I think it is necessary for me to face the very worst to deal with the pain.  I feel if I can face total estrangement, I can move on and probably have a less emotional reaction to it all.  My younger son called today.  He is so comical - yet so very warm,  sincere and caring.  Though I do not want him to worry, I think he is trying to make up for what his older brother is doing - he has been calling more lately. He is convinced that my older son has simply "lost his balls" - that he just needs to "man up" and not let his wife make such a bad mistake.  He says he saw my DIL's real self before I did.  We are thinking she put up a really good front until she married and after my grand-daughter was born.  It was a good laugh as we let ourselves be crude and silly.  As funny as it was, it may be a valid answer to the problem.  I appreciated his "to the point" perspective to this situation.
Also, I am trying not to react.  It is hard because I am basically a very honest person and truly believe that no relationship can be healthy without  a lot of honesty.  Sometimes being diplomatic can become borderline dishonest and manipulative.
Loving your mother is a strength rather than a weakness.  Did these young women receive any "raising" or did their growth just take the way of weeds!
Thanks also CoCo. Again I really appreciate you guys.  I am trying to get through this without therapy-relying on advice I gained from past pain and difficulties. 

cocobars

Carolina, you are so precious.  I can't help but to think that your younger son is right, even in his comical way and I can hope for you that your older son finds those balls.  If your younger son can influence him at all I would believe he would be willing to "help in the search."  He seems to love you and I agree, is possibly concerned about how you are being treated and trying, in his own way, to make up for that hurt you are feeling!  That is something to be proud of!  I think you did a very good job raising that son of yours, and if it were me, I would lean toward him and give the older son some room to see his mistake!

Keep us posted here and don't forget we are here if you need us!  We certainly need you! :)

In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Marilyn

guest1,Thank you so much,i am really hoping things work out, and we can have a loving, better functioning relationship....not just for me,but every one of us here.


Carolina,i agree you have to be honest to have a healthy relationship.Controlling people aren't emotionally healthy though,until they work thru their own issues it's hopeless.So by not reacting,or not letting them see they are getting to you,gives you some power.You are able to detach and not let their behavior affect you.It's hard to do,but with time you do get a lot stronger.

I agree with Coco,i would lean towards your younger son,and give the other son room to see his mistake.And he really does love you,it's just like Coco's son said,he wanted to make his wife happy.Our sons know our love is unconditional,they dont worry about losing us.They do take us for granted too.



cocobars

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 28, 2010, 06:40:45 PM
Carolina,i agree you have to be honest to have a healthy relationship.Controlling people aren't emotionally healthy though,until they work thru their own issues it's hopeless.So by not reacting,or not letting them see they are getting to you,gives you some power.You are able to detach and not let their behavior affect you.It's hard to do,but with time you do get a lot stronger.

Such good advice Mominwaiting.  I have learned that when I can look past someone who is controlling, and find my own happiness it seems to turn the tables on them.  Their behavior doesn't affect me and you're right - I become alot stronger as time passes and I put their behavior aside.  It's not always easy to do.  Just worth the effort.  I have watched other's bad behavior come back to slap them in that process.  Like my DIL.  I would have never wished what happen to her, but she made her bed and now is trying to make a new one from scratch.  I hope alot healthier one this time.  It's sad, but it is very true.

luise.volta

Missed you during the day today, C/C. How was your first day at work?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

March 01, 2010, 05:33:38 PM #43 Last Edit: March 01, 2010, 05:49:04 PM by cocobars
Thank you Luise, it was hard.  I sit at a computer all day.  I'm an Intelligence Annotator.  I've done it before.  I forgot how exhausting it is.  I remember now!  The man I was working for is someone I've worked before.  It's a good job for a temp, and looks very impressive on my resume.  That's a good thing.  I'm not complaining.

I missed you too! :(

luise.volta

Oh, that makes my eyes ache and my head swim!  :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama