Controlling People

[2chickiebaby]

Recognize anyone??

Notice if your plans are continually overturned in favor of his/Her's. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what he/she wants, always meeting up with his/her friends.

Be aware of the way he/she behaves with your family and friends, especially if he/she interrupts them, contradicts them, or behaves dismissively. If you feel you need to apologize or explain for his/her's behavior to your family or friends, there's a problem there.

Are you realizing it's just become easier not to spend time with people you've loved for years, rather than to make apologies or excuses. #* Have all of your past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new love, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of people you have always known means he has just made himself the center of your universe, and now has no competition for your attention.

Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new girlfriend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red flag.

When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what he said, and what your friends say.

If there are a lot of them, call her out on them. If her reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. And don't waste time doing the analysis - it may save you from disaster later.

Cutting you off from your support systems helps him gain dominance over you - and you think it's your decision. A controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect - your friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will actually see him treat them in a dismissive or outright rude way. However, when you're alone with him, he never says a bad word about those friends, but rather is kind, loving, and complimentary to you about them.

It makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand him, etc. You forget his nastiness to their faces because he's nice behind their backs. When you find yourself telling your mom or sister, "But, you have to understand him like I do," that's a bad sign. Why should everyone else understand him and adjust their behavior - wouldn't it be easier if he would adjust his? It's much easier to for him control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and soon, you have no one but him to turn to.

[luise.volta]

That kind of thing can so insidious and can get a hold of us before we begin to see the dynamics. Then it is so hard to address. Thanks for sharing it!

[cocobars]

Alot of our sons and daughters are going through this right now.  Did the article give suggestions on some healthy ways to address people we know who might be in a controlling relationship?  Is there a tactful was of talking to someone about this?

[2chickiebaby]

I didn't find one that would show us how to deal with them. I will keep looking.

[luise.volta]

Well, one thing...if it was someone near and dear that trusted us, we could offer a copy of the article. Just being aware of what was happening would offer some choices, hopefully before it was too late. Once the brain-washing is in place, all bets are off.

[cocobars]

Maybe they didn't have something on how to deal with it.  The article itself is very informative and helps us with some of the questions surrounding controlling people.  Every little thing is valuable. 

Thanks for posting this!

[luise.volta]

I was married at 20 to a guy i had known since I was three years old. When I left at age 40 and people asked me what I liked and didn't like, I told them his preferences because I didn't have any of my own

[2chickiebaby]

If I showed mine the article, it would ensure that I never saw the GC again.  He dutifully would tell her.

[2chickiebaby]

What courage it must have taken for you to leave that relationship at 40!!

[cocobars]

That's true about all bets being off once the brainwashing takes place.  I know (just from my own experience) that sometimes the begining stages are really hard to recognise, unless you are a friend or family member.  When I moved back up here, my family members started telling me stories about my husband.  I was really upset that they didn't warn me before I moved out of state.  They just said that they didn't think I would listen because they could see how much I loved him.  They may be right, but during the early stages, it would have been nice if someone handed me something like that and talked to me in private.  It (I believe) would have given me some homework (or at least an awareness of that "red flag").  I just keep thinking about how subtle it all was.  It most likely is just as subtle for our sons and daughters out there.

It's hard to know how to handle this.

[2chickiebaby]

Oh, Coco, I'll be you wouldn't have listened....sadly, you wouldn't have.  Would you?

[cocobars]

That's exactly what I was thinking, Chickie.  I'm not sure I would have.  That's why I wonder, when people do these studies if they have also done studies on how to reach someone going into these relationships.

It sure would help on this site.  It doesn't matter though.  Just the article with the "why's" may help someone. Every post is a tool like that.  You just never know when a light bulb will go off for someone.  It has for me at times...

[2chickiebaby]

Coco, maybe someone with some smarts in counseling could help with how to deal with them, what to do if you're in the midst of one of them.  I hope so.

Probably getting the heck out of Dodge would be the only thing to do.

[cocobars]

LOL!  Getting the heck out of dodge IS the only thing to do.  Getting someone to see they are heading for danger is a problem.  That's why it's so smart of these DIL's on here who are going through counselling before they get married to their husbands.  I think it will help them go in with their eyes wide open.  - Or at least squinted since we all know love is blind.  LOL!

I'm not sure even that would have helped me though.  My husband had his psychology phd.  He knew the ropes and used them.

[2chickiebaby]

Boy, Coco, what a terrible position to be in....a control freak and a Psycho Dr. both.