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Started by 2chickiebaby, February 13, 2010, 03:07:12 PM

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cremebrulee

February 15, 2010, 06:25:06 AM #75 Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 06:28:49 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: cocobars on February 15, 2010, 04:21:52 AM
Hi Creme!  I'm happy to see you here this morning!  Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day! 

This is truly a sad post and very true.  I just wish we could understand.  I keep looking for answers I may never find.  I guess it doesn't hurt to try though.  You never know!

Hi Coco

we as women are fixers....we want so to get along and have healthy relationships....I certainly agree with the posts that said, insecurity is the root of tearing families apart, and they see people as possessions...which is very very true....

however, I've concluded after 12 years of this....that regardless of her agenda, there is nothing more I can do.  I keep thinking if only I did this or that...however, when your dealing with a person who posesses fear and insecurity...nothing you do is right...my son, was at one time a very loving person...and I would have never guessed that he would have married a woman, capable of hurting like my DIL does...but he has...and he loves her, and there is nothing I can do to change her feelings towards me...

understanding a situation, helps us to cope, but, we will never have all the answers to our questions, so we just have to learn how to move on without our sons, GC, and survive...instead of trying to understand they whys of why our DIL's do these things...

Personally, I believe anyone that intentionally hurts another human being is not a happy stable person....however, for some reasons, our son's love these gals, and there is nothing we can do....but back off and try to keep our mouths zipped....otherwise, we look like what our DIL's are portraying us to be....

as an example of how sick some of these women are....I saw a post which asked what the DIL's would do, if they're MIL's died.  Two of them said, they'd squat and pee on they're MIL's graves????  God, was I shocked...and it shocked me so much I told several of my friends about it and they were not only shocked, but disgusted, and said, "What is wrong with people today, people are sick"  Coco, you can't deal with a mind like that....let alone understand the why's of how they think and do things?   




luise.volta

It seems useless to read and share that kind of negativity. We know it exists and we know we can't fix it. It just makes me feel worse. You're right, we are fixers. It's part of our job description and none of us know how to be giver-uppers. It takes a lot of sharing to create a critical mass regarding the wisdom of giving up. It doesn't sound or feel like a solution but we are all finding ir sounds and feels like survival.

We share our similar experiences and, at least for me, that helps with the aloneness and the endless trying to see where I "went wrong." It's illuminating to get that I didn't...someone out there raised a daughter with beliefs and values that are destructive and have hurt my family and me deeply.

I never wanted my son to be a giver-upper...he's a peace-maker and maybe I am to blame for that. I once believed that kindness prevailed and I tried to teach that. I didn't bring him up in a defensive stance. He isn't belligerent, aggressive and cruel. My mistake.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

No Louise, you are to blame for nothing...you raised a wonderful son, and these women, have they're hooks out for someone like our sons.  They are just really nice guys who want to make they're wives happy...and have a successful marriage....we surely can't blame them for that.

Yes, I do agree with your evaluation of my last post as far as the negativity of the DIL website.  However, I didn't come to terms with the idea that my DIL thought like that....I wouldn't believe she was that mean...years ago, ohhh, maybe 2 or 3 years ago, on another web site, I remember reading how one DIL mentioned that her In-laws were coming and proceeded to complain about it...and said, I will never sleep in that bed again.  I remember thinking, that's weird...my DIL would never feel like that (I was still in denial) she would never feel that way, until she sent the birthday card and money back to me, this past year....then I realized, the extent she would go to hurt someone she didn't like....and what I was trying to explain is the fact that you just cannot gain trust and love from a mind that thinks like that....can't even figure them out....really....

I suppose, what I'm trying to say, is....until I read some of the horrible comments that some of the DIL's write, I still had hope, and that hope I found, led me into more of a depression everytime my DIL did something else that was hurtful....

I'm not trying to hurt anyone or insult them, in any way, but, in the same, while in life, hope is our living water, when it comes to dealing with women as we have been forced to deal with, there is nothing you can do to win they're hearts....

I was ready to give my love and trust to her unconditionally, and when she rejected that with bad behavior, behavior that none of us were ever used to, it broke our hearts, but we still have hope....I remember someone telling me, "Hopefully when she has her own child she will realize how much she is hurting you"....but it never happened, she actually got worse...jealousy and fear of the love her husband and daughter had for me....

So, while I do appologize and understand, that every situation is different, I have found that abusive relationships, and we are being abused...all run along the same pattern, and are destined not to be...and false hope can really set us up as a victim and a battle which can never be won....

I wish and hope I'm wrong....but when you read the minds of some DIL's, it helped me give up...and go forward...

yes, I'm still heartbroken, I'm changed for life, but at least now, I fell down that mountain, a few cuts and scrapes, no broken bones, and I'm climbing back up, one small step at a time, trying to find me again....
will I ever get back that trust, that innocence and belief...?  I am very skeptical....

Like all of us, I wanted a family, instead, I lost a son, GC and daughter....and they're actions have hurt me beyond belief, as you all have been hurt as well....

You cannot figure a mind like that out...and I was trying to show you how hateful some of these women are, and how they think, they are not like us....they think with fear and hate, and it does in fact destroy a heart....

Most people get along, and work things out, but these girls do not want us in they're lives...




luise.volta

You certainly have nothing to apologize for. It just seems to me sometimes that we all know about the viciousness, first hand. Not "back then" but certainly now. I was being very negative about  raising such a nice guy. I just feel like that sometimes. We were all so trusting. I think we all wanted bigger families and more fun and simply assumed that's what adult children were all about. How natural!

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 08:31:15 AM
You certainly have nothing to apologize for. It just seems to me sometimes that we all know about the viciousness, first hand. Not "back then" but certainly now. I was being very negative about  raising such a nice guy. I just feel like that sometimes. We were all so trusting. I think we all wanted bigger families and more fun and simply assumed that's what adult children were all about. How natural!

believe me, I do know what your talking about....all this is like a foreign culture to us...and yes, we are very trusting and never expected this, and yes, I surely did want more children but was not able to carry any others...love kids, was a youth group advisor and a Sunday School Teacher, even baby sat for children at one time...kids are the gift and future...to me, they are what life is about, procreation and man's survival....we were all raised in good loving families, where we never knew this kind of hate...so, once in a while, here of late, I have to go back to the DIL's sites, to remind myself, that there is no hope...I don't want to believe in something that is never going to happen....

do you know what really hurts...my son and DIL both have a facebook page....and since my son went away, he is always writing some thing on his wall about his beautiful wife....he is the one who always innitiates it...and says something like I am crazy in love with you....and I miss you...and then she always writes back and repeats what he says...nothing more, nothing less, and she never ever writes we're so proud of you and appreciate all your doing for us...or she is never the first one to write something in appreciation to him....I find that very sad, that he is constantly having to stroke her ego...and, by the way, he has learned how to do that very well.... :-\

luise.volta

February 15, 2010, 09:02:23 AM #80 Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 09:11:51 AM by luise.volta
We all process this in our own way and it feels very supportive to me to have you in my corner and to be in yours. I simply have no experience of needing to remind myself or others, using an outside source, that there is no hope. I know it right down to my toes. My son died bathed in my DILs hate for his mom.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 09:02:23 AM
We all process this in our own way and it feels very supportive to me to have you in my corner and to be in yours. I simply have no experience of needing to remind myself or others, using an outside source, that there is no hope. I know it right down to my toes. My son died bathed in my DILs hate for his mom.

I'm so so sorry Luise....

I'm hugging you, can you feel it?


luise.volta

Yup, that came through...all warm and fuzzy. Thanks! 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Quote from: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 08:31:15 AM
We were all so trusting. I think we all wanted bigger families and more fun and simply assumed that's what adult children were all about. How natural!



I certainly was trusting, and I really felt we were going to be one big happy rollicking family. Instead it's all happening to DIL's family and we get the leftovers if anything. Holidays, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, vacations - all different now, suddenly. I try not to be depressed (I tend that way anyway) but it's hard when you know they're whooping it up and we're sitting here, the boring duty call instead of being the fun visit. We can't plan anything because DIL's family has already taken up all the free time! I'd hate to pay for tickets only to be cancelled on like they've done in the past. We're the last minute fillers, always caught unaware and madly trying to put something together. We end up looking like pathetic, needy losers. When I try to plan I have to go through DS who then checks with DIL. I'm assuming he gets flack because it will be days before I hear back. He's really caught, and we don't want to make his life more difficult, so we let it go. 
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I'm so sorry, P. There are MILs here who would be pitifully grateful to even be thrown that kind of bone. But that' what it is...dry...porous...decaying. Useless...unsatisfying...degrading. And she is ripping them off. They're missing out on all the good stuff you have to offer. A loving heart...open arms...sweetness.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: penstamen on February 15, 2010, 10:44:38 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 08:31:15 AM
We were all so trusting. I think we all wanted bigger families and more fun and simply assumed that's what adult children were all about. How natural!



I certainly was trusting, and I really felt we were going to be one big happy rollicking family. Instead it's all happening to DIL's family and we get the leftovers if anything. Holidays, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, vacations - all different now, suddenly. I try not to be depressed (I tend that way anyway) but it's hard when you know they're whooping it up and we're sitting here, the boring duty call instead of being the fun visit. We can't plan anything because DIL's family has already taken up all the free time! I'd hate to pay for tickets only to be cancelled on like they've done in the past. We're the last minute fillers, always caught unaware and madly trying to put something together. We end up looking like pathetic, needy losers. When I try to plan I have to go through DS who then checks with DIL. I'm assuming he gets flack because it will be days before I hear back. He's really caught, and we don't want to make his life more difficult, so we let it go.

Hey Pen
If I may offer a suggestion, why don't you start planning around you and yours, and if they come fine, if not fine, however, don't be available everytime they decide....plan things to do, and go have fun doing them?

renny97

Can anyone imagine what a difference in our lives, if all this wasn't so? Just daydreaming, here.

What if things were discussed, and we were included, and we got to see GC as often as the other MIL. DIL's father didn't rule the roost. One can dream.......

DIL has one of those "Live Love Laugh" plaques. My question, "Where's the laughter come in?"  ;D

cocobars


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Maybe she is dreaming of love. If so...dream on. You don't create it that way.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama