March 28, 2024, 08:06:29 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Controlling People

Started by 2chickiebaby, February 13, 2010, 03:07:12 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cocobars

Quote from: Carolina Gal on February 14, 2010, 03:42:20 PM
My older son was always the kind and considerate one - Thoughtful - always sensitive to my thoughts and feelings.  We talked more and he required less discipline - I could verbally teach him.  The older son was more emotionally attached to me whereas the younger one acted like he did not care though he let me know he did care for me in his own way. The younger one was stubborn, hard to handle and required a stronger hand when discipline was needed.  It was always obvious he had a great big heart - just a bull moose to handle - did not listen well when he was young.  My son's were and are as different as night and day and have grown into men that are very different in many ways.
You just blew the theory I thought I had.  Luise must have been right.  It was something for me.  I really thought this understanding might help here.  I'm sorry guys!

I'll keep thinking and trudging...  You do the same.  We'll get it!

cocobars

Carolina, I still think there was something profound in your posts.  I'm going to re- read them. 

Thanks Carolina!  I don't know what for, but you gave me something.  I'll figure it out!  I'll tell you when I do, even if it's nothing more than a new flavor of bubble-gum!  LOL!  Something is there in your posts.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks...

cocobars

I wish I were a psychologist.  I'm just not. 

At least this was food for thought.  If nothing more...

2chickiebaby

I wish I was a psychologist too....maybe that would help but since "they" usually go into psychology to figure themselves out,  it seems to me that most of them are nuttier than fruitcakes.  Or, the ones I've seen are.

My friend who is one is a nut, a nice nut but a nut...she almost lost her mind when her son married a control freak and wouldn't allow him to talk to his mother.  She now says you get over it with time...she also has a daughter who is devoted to her.  Makes a difference. 

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

I think the need to control another person is born from insecurity.  I think it is a sickness and distructive in nature.  Also, if this insecurity continues unchecked, it can tear apart families and hurt many many people.  We are seperate individuals and, with God's help, share each other for segments of our lives.  We are intimate and then stand alone.  We should charish these intimate times and do nothing to upset the trust and care we experience when we are together.  I think the younger women we wrestle with are very insecure and do not know how to share and value the relationships of extended family.  It is just so sad.  So distructive and so very sad.  My husband says that we can not teach them that they are making terrible mistakes.  He says they have to see it for themselves.  Will they before the trust is completely, totally and forever distroyed?  I am not sure a relationship can ever be really close after trust is distroyed......... I can find no solutions and have to give it to God and compartmentalize the situation to keep from crying....

Marilyn


My older son was always the kind and considerate one - Thoughtful - always sensitive to my thoughts and feelings.  We talked more and he required less discipline - I could verbally teach him.  The older son was more emotionally attached to me whereas the younger one acted like he did not care though he let me know he did care for me in his own way. The younger one was stubborn, hard to handle and required a stronger hand when discipline was needed.  It was always obvious he had a great big heart - just a bull moose to handle - did not listen well when he was young.  My son's were and are as different as night and day and have grown into men that are very different in many ways.





This discribes my two sons to a tee!!!!

cocobars

I really wish I had the training to know the difference in personalities.  I would like to know what makes people choose these controlling people and not see it as "control."  I guess that's me and I hope someday to understand that. 

Thanks everyone, who let me ramble tonight.  I do that - it's a problem...

2chickiebaby

You make perfect sense to me, Coco!!  And, you don't ramble :)

cocobars

Butdidaosiakitusksij ..  .

Wha? 

Thank you Chickie.  I'm happy you understood what I was saying.  There were times I thought everyone must be sitting and staring at their computer screens with that "deer in the headlights" looks on their faces!  HA!  I do go on and on when I see light bulbs...

You're too sweet and I appreciate you!  I'm happy you're here ;D

Marilyn

Coco,you don't ramble on,just trying to make some logic of it all.

Quote from: cocobars on February 14, 2010, 06:14:05 PM
I really wish I had the training to know the difference in personalities.  I would like to know what makes people choose these controlling people and not see it as "control."  I guess that's me and I hope someday to understand that. 

Thanks everyone, who let me ramble tonight.  I do that - it's a problem...

They don't see the control, from all the manipulation.
I didn't see it in my marriage,until a couple of years before i divorced.

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

Coco you are great.  We appreciate your insight and thoughts.  Please keep doing what you do and be perfectly YOU.  Is that not why most of us are here?  We have to stuff so much as we go through our days.....Somewhere, we just have to be honest.  It is very nice to have you guys to bounce thoughts with....

cremebrulee

I've read this thread thru and found it to be sad, but informative....
I'm with you gals, my son was always so thoughtful and caring, trusting...I guess these DIL's of ours really know how and who to set they're hooks into....


cocobars

Quote from: luise.volta on February 14, 2010, 10:46:58 AM
I keep wondering if it isn't partly a kind of transference. At one time our sons minded us. It was a necessary part of childhood; a safety requirement. This may be really far out but do any of you think that they found comfort in our protection (control) and are unconsciously trying to replicate it? Is that off the charts?

Luise, it was your post that set off those light bulbs!  This is the whole concept I was trying to make sense of last night and yes, this is worth considering.

Carolina, Mominwaiting, thank you for such kind words.  Maybe Luise can think this through and put it into some organized thoughts for us.  My thoughts go all over the place - as you saw last night.

I am still impressed with what compassionate and understanding women we have here!  Not too many sites would have let me go on and on like that without understanding what I was saying!  LOL!

Thanks again!  You are all so sweet! :)

cocobars

Hi Creme!  I'm happy to see you here this morning!  Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day! 

This is truly a sad post and very true.  I just wish we could understand.  I keep looking for answers I may never find.  I guess it doesn't hurt to try though.  You never know!

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

Facing this kind of senseless rejection, exclusion and emotional abuse is sad.  We will move on though and put that smile on our faces.  Facing harsh reality is sad and we may never find a reasonable answer as to why........All I know to do is place my life in God's hands, do my very best, focus on the positive and try to keep warm and caring people in my life.  I think our associations weigh heavily when considering our personal happiness - something I learned the hard way in my mid thirties.....We are strong.  Maybe beat up a little, but strong enough to try to find answers and live a decent productive life.