Author Topic: Controlling People  (Read 11423 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #45 on: February 14, 2010, 03:01:08 PM »
Tell me your insights here?  Suggestion?  Questions?

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #46 on: February 14, 2010, 03:12:16 PM »
The strange thing is that I raised two sons.  The younger son is really upset with the way his older brother is acting.  The younger son can see that his older brother is allowing the DIL too much power and is giving into the posessiveness.  My younger son is strongly opposed to the behavior and the older son seems to not see the posessiveness as a "red flag".  I taught these young men the same lessons and they were raised in the same environment.   Sometimes I think children are born with qualities that we have no control over.  As parents we try to instill the best into our children and there is so much they have to learn after they leave our homes.  I do not think we can accept all the blame - maybe they have to make their own mistakes as we have had to do.  I did not really know the dangers of controllers until I was in my mis thirties.  It took a lot of time for me to redefine what a healthy love was.  My children were 1- 6 years of age when I was in my "bad relationship".  The model they saw then was not a healthy one.  The one I have now is a great one.  I have heard that the 1 to 6 year range has a strong influence on young children

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #47 on: February 14, 2010, 03:14:45 PM »
Well, lets see. I am sure there are many different kinds of sons, personality-wise. And the circumstances in their childhoods can differ, as well.

My elder son married an older woman and left her when she stopped indulging him. The controller was the second wife. As my first child, he was indulged and focused on. He's the one who took exception to me in his teens and never let up.

I took my younger son more in my stride and was less anxious . He married someone he controlled. Then he married someone who controlled him and left him when she got tired of that. Then he married a really nasty controller and now he is married to an equal and loving partner. 15 years!

Since I have been married five times, there wasn't much I could say about all of that. I got into marriages that fit, initially, that I eventually outgrew. One guy I married twice..and one was a six-week fiasco. Two were 18 years. This one is 20. I don't give up easily. And I finally got it right! ;D

Lots to think about here...
As teenager's we all "test the waters" with authority.  We push away that comfort and come into our own - or "find out" who we are.  Subconsciously, we may still be looking for what's comfortable and pushing away our upbringing let's us get to know "us" through that stage.  Subconsciously, we may "want" to have that love that we first learned.  As "good mothers" we may have taught them that "control is love."  How we were brought into "being who we are" may have something to do with that.

Am I making any sense here?

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #48 on: February 14, 2010, 03:17:27 PM »
The strange thing is that I raised two sons.  The younger son is really upset with the way his older brother is acting.  The younger son can see that his older brother is allowing the DIL too much power and is giving into the posessiveness.  My younger son is strongly opposed to the behavior and the older son seems to not see the posessiveness as a "red flag".  I taught these young men the same lessons and they were raised in the same environment.   Sometimes I think children are born with qualities that we have no control over.  As parents we try to instill the best into our children and there is so much they have to learn after they leave our homes.  I do not think we can accept all the blame - maybe they have to make their own mistakes as we have had to do.  I did not really know the dangers of controllers until I was in my mis thirties.  It took a lot of time for me to redefine what a healthy love was.  My children were 1- 6 years of age when I was in my "bad relationship".  The model they saw then was not a healthy one.  The one I have now is a great one.  I have heard that the 1 to 6 year range has a strong influence on young children
Hmmm, very good food for thought!  Let me digest.  You please do the same..

But, do you understand the "light bulb" that went off with me?  Give me more thoughts. Let me know if I'm wrong here and I'll drop the thought.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8927
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #49 on: February 14, 2010, 03:17:51 PM »
C/G - Yes, I have read that our values and beliefs are fully established by the time we are seven. And I also see that there is a lot involving individuality that we have to factor in. Then, each child has the unique experience of where they fit into the family structure. Complex stuff.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8927
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #50 on: February 14, 2010, 03:20:49 PM »
And I don't think there is any right or wrong in this discussion...don't drop anything. We are weaving a tapestry of logic and experience that I see as highly valuable.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #51 on: February 14, 2010, 03:23:47 PM »
Luise, if there is some way you know of, to check on this theory, please do.  You may be onto something here on your site.  I just feel as if there is some truth here.  Do you know of anyone that could check this?

I don't have these "light bulbs" very often and understanding the human psyche is so complicated....  This may even be something already known.  I don't know.  I just felt this from an earlier post.  Ping! = light bulb, maybe just for me, but I want to share this.

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #52 on: February 14, 2010, 03:27:01 PM »
The strange thing is that I raised two sons.  The younger son is really upset with the way his older brother is acting.  The younger son can see that his older brother is allowing the DIL too much power and is giving into the posessiveness.  My younger son is strongly opposed to the behavior and the older son seems to not see the posessiveness as a "red flag".  I taught these young men the same lessons and they were raised in the same environment.   Sometimes I think children are born with qualities that we have no control over.  As parents we try to instill the best into our children and there is so much they have to learn after they leave our homes.  I do not think we can accept all the blame - maybe they have to make their own mistakes as we have had to do.  I did not really know the dangers of controllers until I was in my mis thirties.  It took a lot of time for me to redefine what a healthy love was.  My children were 1- 6 years of age when I was in my "bad relationship".  The model they saw then was not a healthy one.  The one I have now is a great one.  I have heard that the 1 to 6 year range has a strong influence on young children
Carolina, I have to quote this and think through it.  I just feel like you've hit something here that we all can get!

Your younger son was closer to you, right?  He didn't really need or want the "warm fuzzie protection," but was more independant - because he already had what he wanted (or needed for his own individuality) from you as your child.  Nobody (sons or daughters) new came in and "took" that attention away from him.

Your older son does not see the control as a red flag (I'm thinking out loud).  He wasn't as close to you growing up, right?  He may have always been jealous of your strong (however independant) relationship witih your younger son.  That control was something he may have secretly craved.  The control his wife has may be something he subconsciously has wanted and craved through the jealousy of the relationship you shared with your younger son.  Different dynamics, that were not understood by him at such a young age.  He was just learning and jealous of his brother.  He was your "son-shine" and then there was a new baby who took that away from him...
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 03:52:29 PM by cocobars »

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8927
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2010, 03:28:51 PM »
I know there are many schools of thought in psychology. Perhaps we have a psychologist among us! (?) What is true for me is that when I get that kind of light-bulb reaction I believe that for me it is a truth.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #54 on: February 14, 2010, 03:29:01 PM »
Do you think it's possible that your older son "craves" the close relationship you had with your younger son, because of your younger son's independance?  Your older son wasn't as independant until he reached his teen right?

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #55 on: February 14, 2010, 03:31:02 PM »
I know there are many schools of thought in psychology. Perhaps we have a psychologist among us! (?) What is true for me is that when I get that kind of light-bulb reaction I believe that for me it is a truth.
That's what I'm wondering Luise.  It may be a "truth" just for me?  That's why I'm asking what all of you think?  Let me know if you think I'm wrong.  What may be "truth" for me, may not be for you.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8927
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #56 on: February 14, 2010, 03:32:05 PM »
I'm off to take my guy over to our Assisted Care dining room for supper. Love to all.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #57 on: February 14, 2010, 03:32:25 PM »
I'm not saying I'm right, but asking...

Can everyone give it some thought and let me know what you think?
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 03:36:11 PM by cocobars »

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #58 on: February 14, 2010, 03:37:02 PM »
I'm still shocked when I read stories like Carolina's about her DIL emailing her a very nasty note ("I'm done with you!") I can't imagine, as angry and hurt as I've been with DIL, ever writing such a rude, hateful, hurtful letter.

I keep going back to the thought, correct or not, that people who can treat others this way do not see others as worthy of tolerance or respect. To them, people are possessions or objects that either get their attention and care or are abused and cast aside. On a global scale this affliction can cause war and genocide. Closer to home it breaks up families and creates feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem.

Maybe we should investigate the findings of experts on cults. Cults operate by control, don't they? For various reasons, otherwise smart, accomplished people get caught up in cult situations. The "recruiters" know who they should approach and exploit a tiny little need into a full-blown attachment. I know people who seemed like very self-assured, intelligent, critical thinkers but they still joined very controlling religious/other cults. Oooo, I love research!

This is just how it seems to me...having been on the receiving end of a narcissistic, controlling parent's weirdness, a couple of co-workers and bosses, and now DIL. You'd think I could see it coming, but they're very slick and I still get fooled now and then. Thank God most of the people I know arent' like that :D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

  • Guest
Re: Controlling People
« Reply #59 on: February 14, 2010, 03:42:20 PM »
My older son was always the kind and considerate one - Thoughtful - always sensitive to my thoughts and feelings.  We talked more and he required less discipline - I could verbally teach him.  The older son was more emotionally attached to me whereas the younger one acted like he did not care though he let me know he did care for me in his own way. The younger one was stubborn, hard to handle and required a stronger hand when discipline was needed.  It was always obvious he had a great big heart - just a bull moose to handle - did not listen well when he was young.  My son's were and are as different as night and day and have grown into men that are very different in many ways.