A Question to MILs

[jdtm]

Guilt is an interesting thing. Lots of ways to look at it and define it. I read one time (100 years ago) that we create guilt so we can do what we want to do.

Interesting concept - but I don't believe it.  I think "guilt" has more to do with our genetic personality - some of us are born "takers" and others "givers".  My Dad seemed to be able to live his life without much concern for others (even though he was a kind person) while my mother seemed to be unable to relax until everyone else was taken care of.  I feel that I have inherited my mother's disposition/temperament.  I really believe the majority of our physical, mental and emotional makeup is DNA-based; not experience or environmentally based.  Research is actually tending to slant in this direction. 

Interesting concept, though ...

[Pen]

I've read somewhere recently that there are people who feel more "guilty" than others (finger pointed at moi.) I remember feeling horrible in first grade about something that was missing off teacher's desk. I knew I hadn't taken it, but my face burned with shame as if I had. Weird kid!

[themuffin]

LOl, this topic brought back memories.  I adore my MIL, more so now then when we were first married.  Anyway, hubby and I had our three boys very early and close together.  They are now almost 21 (in 3 months) 22, and 23.  And you know what? She only kept Jr. overnight twice in his entire life.  The other two never spent the night.  She NEVER babysat for us.  EVER.  My mother was better at watching them and having them over, but not that much.  They were always with us.
I remember this one time when I really needed MIL to watch two of the babies while I took the other to the doctor. She apologized and said that she couldn't do it because she was getting her nails done.  Sure enough hubby and I talked about her, but we didn't harbor any ill feelings. We also never asked her again, nor did she ever ask. 
I just learned that DS and FDIL are expecting.  This is the GC that I have been told by FDIL I will never see, DS says otherwise, but unless a miracle happens I don't imagine a relationship being allowed with this child.  I'm not happy about that, but what can I do.  Forgive me for what I'm about to say, as it will sound terrible, but at least I don't have to worry about having to babysit.  I don't have the patience anymore.  My neighbors son came over for just a few hours.  He wasn't a bad kid, really. But I'll tell you those were the longest hours of my life!!!

[Nana]

I also believe that guilt is on our personality.  As true as that some people dont care what others think or do. while others (as me) are always questioning themselves", "Did I say ör do something wrong?" or such things. 

The Muffin...I was laughing when you commented that at least you dont have to worry being asked to babysit lol.  It is the bright side.  I love babysitting my gc and would probably be very sad not to be able to.  But after some hours, I feel truly exhausted.  Nature is so wise...we become parents when we are still young and full of energy. 

Love

[luise.volta]

Muf - You are so refreshing!

[pam1]

TM, you crack me up.  At least your MIL set a good example for you, your nails will always be nice

[themuffin]

LOL, Pam.   
You are so right Nana!  Nature is wise.  I sometimes wonder how I was ever able to be a mother to three young children full time!  I know I could never do it again.  Not even for one!

Oh, thanks Luise.  It's good to be visiting here.  You and this site welcomed me and supported me when my world seemed broken.  I received so many wise words of wisdom here that I'm truly enjoying my life again.  Thanks!

Goodnite WW!!

[Keys Girl]

Muf, you are so right.  I don't have any patience any more for little kids or babies, I remember my mother mentioning this when she was about my age, I think it runs in the family when your birthdays have had a few too many "0's in them.

[lancaster lady]

I am the other end of the spectrum ...I adore my GD , she is sooo special , I could spend all day and every day with her .....
she melts my heart ....x

[justanoldgrandma]

Guilt is an interesting thing. Lots of ways to look at it and define it. I read one time (100 years ago) that we create guilt so we can do what we want to do.

Interesting concept - but I don't believe it.  I think "guilt" has more to do with our genetic personality - some of us are born "takers" and others "givers".  My Dad seemed to be able to live his life without much concern for others (even though he was a kind person) while my mother seemed to be unable to relax until everyone else was taken care of.  I feel that I have inherited my mother's disposition/temperament.  I really believe the majority of our physical, mental and emotional makeup is DNA-based; not experience or environmentally based.  Research is actually tending to slant in this direction. 

Interesting concept, though ...

I was born shy from day one; my brother, not.  So genetics there; also, he was the boy, firstborn, passing on the family name, given more stature and independence, so environment helped that along.  So I am the guilt-ridden one, bro is not.  I read an Alanon co-dependence book and I am co-dependent (not happy unless everyone is happy and it's my responsibility to make it so ((wow!)) ).  Explains my agony over OS's ex-wife and other dil's canny knowledge that I want to make her and all happy at the expense of my self-esteem.

Good that we have Luise telling us to live for ourselves (but of course she helps us, too!  but not guilt-ridden.....keep talking, Luise!)

JDTM, although this is the "good" dil, she is mistakingly assuming that although you live close by and love the gc that you want to drop all activities and rest to babysit.  She should in no way make you feel guilty that she had to reschedule dentist app't.!  Yep, good that you are moving and won't be so convenient!  (I honestly think she is just not aware..... and she doesn't sound like the type to drop you when you say no and why.)

Let us know how it comes out!  All the best!

[luise.volta]

(Mounting Soapbox)I

wonder about guilt, seriously. As I approach (but will never reach) maturity...I think guilt is just an adjunct to judgment. If we weren't judged or didn't judge ourselves...I doubt guilt would be a issue. I feel that we are who and how we are and at any given moment we are doing our best. It isn't anyone else's best and it often isn't the picture of what we think our best should look like...none the less...it's our best.

I don't feel guilty that I still lack some skills and may never achieve them. I don't feel guilty that I do better sometimes than I do at other times. I don't feel guilty that I am not "more." This is where I am and who I am and perfection is an illusion. Why in the heck would I feel guilty about being human and on a never-ending learning curve? Why would I lay such a trip on anyone else? Does my humanness inconvenience others at times? Of course. Does theirs bother me? Certainly. Welcome to " Life."

(Off Soapbox.)

[Doe]

You make a lot of sense, Luise.

I don't spend a lot of time with guilt either.  My sense of it is a feeling of needing to make something right or re-pay a debt.  I just do my best to make it right or repay the debt generally and keep moving forward. 

[luise.volta]

D - Yes, we can't rewrite history. 

[justanoldgrandma]

Guilt:  something instilled in me by genetics and mother; self-instilled, too, as i allowed myself to be instilled with it!

So easy for some to recognize this tendency is someone such as I (while realizing I need to be self-confident) and use it to comply with his/her/their agenda.

When a child has difficulty, so easy to look back and say, "well, must be my fault..... i did my best, but still....."

This is when a loud voice must yell in the cortex, "STOP THAT!" 

We do the best we can and that's all we can do.  Guilt is a martyrism (is that a word?) that is harmful to self and does no one any good.  Am working on reducing it, greatly.

[luise.volta]

Wonderful point...it's useless!! When someone says to me, "I feel guilty," I think..."OK, that's about you, don't lay it on me." LOL!