Help me understand my MIL please!

[blau10]

Laila,

Want to be my DIL?  I agree with everyone else but I will ask have you ever asked another family member about her actions? Her son may not really know the answer if he hasn't given her cards regularly.  I had an aunt that hated getting flowers because it reminded her of her Mother's funeral and she felt flowers were for funerals. She use to say to people who gave her flowers that they wanted her dead and it made her cry. No one could understand why she would say that until one of the relatives explained.
Maybe there is a story behind receiving a card for her.  Just a thought.

[Laila9]

Laila,

Want to be my DIL?  I agree with everyone else but I will ask have you ever asked another family member about her actions? Her son may not really know the answer if he hasn't given her cards regularly.  I had an aunt that hated getting flowers because it reminded her of her Mother's funeral and she felt flowers were for funerals. She use to say to people who gave her flowers that they wanted her dead and it made her cry. No one could understand why she would say that until one of the relatives explained.
Maybe there is a story behind receiving a card for her.  Just a thought.

See that's the thing I don't understand - she quite happily receives cards from SIL (her daughter) which is understandable but also from Step BIL (her husbands son) except Step BILs cards are always written by his girlfriend whom MIL hates but she never says anything to her!

Yet everytime I send a card she calls DF tells him shes binned it and demands a replacement that meets her criteria - a large card, written entirely by her son, with the word Mom on the front.  I've managed to meet 2 and a half of those criteria but theres no way I could get DF to write a whole message - he says its because his handwriting looks like a 4 year old run amok with a crayon (he's not too far wrong hehe  )

We have seen the cards from StepBIL and gf and they are usually small ones without the word mom/stepmom and all in her handwriting - but no complaint.

I did speak to DF about it last night and he said he doesn't want to send any more cards in future as she obviously doesn't want/appreciate them from us and that if she calls and complains about the lack of card this year then he will speak to her about it and explain why HE has stopped sending them again - he says its best to make it his decision and leave me out of it as she could turn around and blame me for it stopping.

PS: oo yes please I'll be any of your DILs!! You are all so lovely and helpful!! 

[cremebrulee]

Hello Laila
Welcome and thank you for posting...
As I was reading your story, I was wondering what was wrong, that your BF was negecting sending his mother a card...but when she contacted you, and by the way, that was a henious thing to do...it really hurts feelings, which to me is they'er purpose for doing so...why else would you write someone who made a lovely gesture of remberance? 

Sorry to say, there is something wrong with your MIL to be...and no matter how hard you try, she will always reject you, it isn't you, it's her...she rejects kindness....

I also feel, you need to get to the bottom of this with your hubby to be...meaning, he needs to open up and tell you the whole story, as there may be a lot of damage done to him, by this woman....which may not surface until after your married...which may cause you years of pain...

I suggest if he cannot speak to you about it, you not marry him until he can, and then get into counseling, as there may be a whole lot of mental damage done there...

I'm a MIL and quite candidly, this woman sounds very angry and disturbed. 

Most Mil's would be warmed inside, to received a lovely card from they're DIL's.  Especially if it was written by her....I used to send my MIL cards all the time...and do things for her...take her places, to lunch, stop to visit alone, without my husband, etc. 

Please hang in there...take your time, and find out what the whole story is....

Hugs
Creme

[Marilyn]

Laila,I agree with Creme.By her calling her son and making thoses remarks,her "intent "was to hurt and reject.Not a good sign,a red flag to me.You really need to find out what is going on,with out getting in the middle.

Since she accepts cards from others,maybe he feels like he never doe's any thing right to please her,made to feel not good enough.

I don't want this to scare you,just to make you aware,there could be some issues you need to be aware of,to save your self a lot of grief later on.It caused you enough distress to seek out help thru this site,and so glad you did!!!Very smart on your part!!!

Hind sight is 20/20 i seen some red flags with my DIL before they were married,that should of made me speak up,and get cleared up.I just thought she was stressed,and having a bay day.My son actually said something to her,so i let it be.Then she showered me with cards ,gifts,praise,i loved her.Then after they married,she changed so much.I realize now,it was a front,to win my son over.

It might not be any thing to awfully bad either,but you should try to get to the bottom of it.

Hang in there,good luck

[cremebrulee]

yes, mominwaitig, your absolutely right....

it would certain raise a lot of flags....

I find it pretty darn bad mannored and offensive, that someone would send back cards, or do something like throw them away, throw gifts away, etc....people who do such things are focused on anger/resentment and only want to hurt others and to deliberately want to hurt the feelings of others is not only thought provoking which speaks volumns about who they are, but also, an act to intentionally inflict harm against someone else...is a bit intense and scary....it is irregular behavior, one that is truly from someone very disturbed....not to mention....to literally want to inflict harm on someone else or intentionally hurt they're feelings, is not happiness....

[luise.volta]

When I read this thread all the way through, to date, it is clear that we all see the situation as being about her, not you. She's "whacko," so looking for logic is wasted effort. She has a vicious streak where her son is concerned and I'm so glad your DF has taken the stand he has. Solidarity will see you through this. It won't cure it, but it will lift you above it and carry you past it. You are about to create a new family unit and you can use what you're going through to strengthen it.

We seem to often adopt mistreated DILs and FDILs on our site at times. We need you and your kindness while you need those of us who listen and care. It feels wonderful.

[Sassy]

Yes, Luise it does feel wonderful.  From a DIL, Thank You! 

[cocobars]

yes, mominwaitig, your absolutely right....

it would certain raise a lot of flags....

I find it pretty darn bad mannored and offensive, that someone would send back cards, or do something like throw them away, throw gifts away, etc....people who do such things are focused on anger/resentment and only want to hurt others and to deliberately want to hurt the feelings of others is not only thought provoking which speaks volumns about who they are, but also, an act to intentionally inflict harm against someone else...is a bit intense and scary....it is irregular behavior, one that is truly from someone very disturbed....not to mention....to literally want to inflict harm on someone else or intentionally hurt they're feelings, is not happiness....

Creme, I had a thought.  Do you think she has returned those things and your son doesn't know about them?  I wonder if he knows?

[cocobars]

Laila, your MIL is missing out on a relationship with both you and your DH.  I know her actions hurt, but they are the actions of what sounds like a bitter woman.  Maybe just bitter about life in general, and you can't let her make you believe you are the reason for all her shortcomings - AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

I'm sorry there are people out there like this, but at least there is a site called MILU that is a great "think tank," with many MIL's and DIL's, and even a FIL putting all their efforts out there. 

Your effort to extend your love to her as the mother of the man whom you love and respect enough to spend the rest of your life with, doesn't have to be stomped out by her.  Hold on to yourselves!  You may be in for an exciting ride without her!

[cremebrulee]

I don't know coco, but refuse to talk to him about it anymore?
I'm not going to put him in a position any longer where he has to choose sides...it upsets me, when he excuses her behavior....he literally looks for excuses of why she did what she did, and that makes me feel like I'm wrong, or I'm lying...plus, as upsetting as it is for me, it's got to be gnawing away at him as well...he knows things are way different, since he's married her...

Coco, sad, but it is what it is...that's life and nothing can be done....I believe that is why I was so upset and un-nerved when it first started happening...I knew what the results would be....

thanks and big hugs
Creme

[cremebrulee]

Laila

I agree with Coco, however, I would want to make certain, there are no surprises after your married...get him to talk about it...if not with you, with a counselor, so that you both walk into a brand new life together uncontaminated....

isitme, did that and I believe she is very happy with the results....

hugs
and wishing you both the best
Creme

[cocobars]

I hope you don't mind me adding to Creme about your counselling.  It would also help you and your new husband understand that situation better between yourselves, possibly nipping "future" battles with her in the bud.  If you both start out in a healthy place, maybe she will want in on some of your happiness (happiness is contagious).  If she doesn't then that's ok too.  But you will both be starting from a better foundation in that process.  My wording is not as good, but I hope you understand what I'm saying here...

[isitme?]

Hi Laila,
Just wanted to chime in with the others about counselling.  I definitely found it helpful for many things and I think my FH found it REALLY helpful for him.  It's hard for people who have grown up with an emotionally unhealthy parent to realize that such behavior isn't okay.  It actually sounds like your guy might realize that in fact - which is perhaps why he doesn't send cards to his mother himself...

If this is the case, then I think you should follow his lead and allow him to determine the type of relationship you both will have with his family.  That being said, there are probably a few things to watch out for - does he try to use you as a buffer (ex.  expect you bear the brunt of his mother's unhappiness, thereby shielding him) or throw you under the bus (ex. allow you to take the blame for a decision HE has made regarding his family)?  if so then there might be some issues that need to be worked out.

It sounds like this is something that really bothers you - and it's great that you've found this webpage so that the ladies here can reassure you and give you some advice.  As someone dealing with a difficult FMIL myself, I can say the women here have helped me IMMENSELY in terms of learning how to deal with my anger but most importantly.. learning how to forgive myself for not having a great relationship with my FMIL.  That helps with the guilt you may sometimes feel but remember - relationships are a two way street and you can only ever meet someone half way.  They are responsible for the other half and if your MIL or my FMIL don't want to do that, you should not have to accept the blame.

Back to the idea of counselling - even if you don't feel you and your DH need to go together (if he has the situation in order and the two of you can agree on things), it might not be a bad idea for you to try out a session or two yourself - if you feel you are having a difficult time dealing with this.  I would never let my FMIL know this  - but it really can be hurtful and traumatic to be rejected by a family.  Sometimes it destroys your ideas/expectations for how your family life is going to be and that can be a difficult thing to overcome.  Here you are in this great relationship, ready to start out your life with someone and make them your family... and all of a sudden you learn that your inlaws don't approve of you or they blame you for ruining their family or any number of petty little things that they may pick on to show that they don't approve of you (when often it is actually that they don't "approve" of their son growing up).  It takes a long time to get over the initial shock of this - and to pinpoint the exact problem...  we're all in different situations here but one of the things I realized after really thinking about things, is that I"m not the one with the problem... if these people were interested in having a genuine relationship, we would have one because I was more than willing to meet then halfway for a long time.  From your efforts, it sounds like you have really tried with this woman.  Way more then I would have even....  but at the end of the day, you can't change who she is.  I suggest reading through the posts on this website and also on some of the others about DILs for some insight.  And if you feel like you're really emotionally struggling with these issues, counseling might be an option...  Good luck!

[cocobars]

Isitme?  Am I safe in assuming (from all of our experiences) that we all would be having pretty good relationships with our MIL's/DIL's, if the efforts were in place from both sides?

[isitme?]

well coco, I think so.  I think if two people are both willing to put in the effort to get along and treat each other with respect, then it's more then likely there will be a good relationship.  No matter what your differences.

Sadly, I think we're all here because the other half IS'NT willing.  But when you think about most of the relationships you have - don't BOTH people put in some effort in maintaining it?  Why should it be different between an MIL and DIL?