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Boundaries

Started by momof2, October 31, 2011, 04:00:13 PM

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Truth

Quote from: Pooh on November 01, 2011, 01:01:08 PM
I am giving you huge kudos here for wanting to try to have a relationship with MIL again.  I don't think you can set any boundaries with her, without sounding like a witch because she crosses lines that are obvious to a rational person.  I think you and DH will have to take a firm stand with her.  First, like Sassy said, your DH needs to set his own boundaries.  He can't call and rant to MIL every time you two have a disagreement.  That is just setting you up.  No, MIL shouldn't call and yell at you, but DH shouldn't have called her to begin with.   There's a huge difference in looking to a parent for some wisdom and looking for someone to side with you. 

Second, I wouldn't try to sugar coat it.  You can say what you mean, without being harsh, but it needs to be clear-cut.  I remember telling my DC plenty of times growing up, "I love you but that behavior is not acceptable."  I wouldn't even dwindle down to details, just set some all-encompassing rules. 

1.   Our personal life, is our personal life.  Discussing our religious choices, birth control methods or anything to do with how we chose to parent, is off limits.  You got to make your choices in life, we would like to make ours.

2.   There will be fair treatment of our children.  That is not up for discussion.  They are children and do not understand when you treat them differently.  We treat them equally and expect everyone else to as well.

3.   You have made it clear that you don't agree with how we handle DD.  We get that.  How we choose to deal with DD's medical, social and schooling is our choice and not up for discussion as we know you don't agree with how we are doing it.   

That is what we are asking for.  We want you to part of our lives, but not dictate how we live our lives.  We may make mistakes, but they are ours to deal with. 

She will have a choice to make.  She can either live with these rules, and honestly, nothing you are asking for to me is outside of what everyone should want or expect.  Scoop is right about you having to keep reinforcing them if she agrees to them.  She's gotten used to being a certain way with both of you and is not going to change overnight.   I think you will have to repeat a few times, "That was one of things we discussed that was off limits" and be understanding if you see her trying, but she slips up.  Bad habits can be broken, but sometimes you fall off the wagon a few times.

I agree with all the above and especially with the part about your DH.  IMO it would be impossible for you to enforce boundaries with your MIL if your DH isn't adhering to them himself.  If he has a beef with you he should take it up with you not go running to mommy.

luise.volta

Yes, it is often easy to set boundaries...but standing by them can be exhausting. Sometimes even  impossible. If we don't think it though first...we can end up with egg on our face. I once had a situation where, when I looked closely at it, I could see that the other person would have to be someone else to comply. I just had to let it go and move on because I actually wanted him to be somebody else.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

momof2

Thank you, ladies.  All very good points. I didn't really want to present "rules" to MIL seeing as she does not do well with them in the first place.  I think DH and I will sit down and talk about what we want with MIL and set our boundaries for ourselves. If MIL goes out of line, DH and I will correct the situation.

MIL and I are going to talk for the first time since February tonight. We are trying to reconcile the situation. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. In the meantime...I think it's time to fill those meds. LOL  :o

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I hope it goes well momof2. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Picture us in a little invisible pocket right over your  heart...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Truth

Quote from: luise.volta on November 01, 2011, 01:08:15 PM
Yes, it is often easy to set boundaries...but standing by them can be exhausting. Sometimes even  impossible. If we don't think it though first...we can end up with egg on our face. I once had a situation where, when I looked closely at it, I could see that the other person would have to be someone else to comply. I just had to let it go and move on because I actually wanted him to be somebody else.
Good point Luise, something I am sure we have all done at some point in time.

momof2

I will be sure to write an update tomorrow, ladies. Thank you so much for everything.

alohomora

Quote from: Truth on November 01, 2011, 01:51:28 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 01, 2011, 01:08:15 PM
Yes, it is often easy to set boundaries...but standing by them can be exhausting. Sometimes even  impossible. If we don't think it though first...we can end up with egg on our face. I once had a situation where, when I looked closely at it, I could see that the other person would have to be someone else to comply. I just had to let it go and move on because I actually wanted him to be somebody else.
Good point Luise, something I am sure we have all done at some point in time.

I really liked reading that too. It's the first time I've thought of it that way. I refused to talk to MIL for years because she refused to apologize for things she had done. However, she showed she was remourseful in a lot of other ways that really mattered more - mainly, she changed her behaviour. She is very capable of adapting to situations beyond her comfort zone. So she won't apologize. Instead she will purchase a large gift and alter her attitude/behaviour. So I've learned to let to of my need to hear "I am sorry." Took a long time though!!

alohomora

I wanted to add - I hated the gifts for a long time and refused to accept them (everything from plane tickets to a car). It felt like such deep manipulation. "I know I yelled and insulted you but here is a car, so we should be ok now."

I can see though, from GMIL, this is total learned behaviour on her part. GMIL is the exact same way. I'm glad DH doesn't do this after we have a disagreement.

pam1

alohomora, it sounds like "love languages."  Have you heard anything about that?  There's some books out there that explain but I'm sure a google search will help just the same.  Sounds like your in laws "love language" is gifts.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Good for you for seeing the symbolic behavior and responding to it.

Yup, there are many ways to say "I'm sorry" and many more ways to say "I love you." The money ones, for me, were always a "no-pass" but the changes in attitude and behaviour were honored and cherished.

From them, I learned to modify my own stand more often than not. It's when things are cast in granite that we get into real trouble. Eventually, hearing "I'm sorry" ended up not carrying as much weight. I got to where what others did meant more to me than what they said.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Shelby


Quote from: luise.volta on November 01, 2011, 01:08:15 PM
I once had a situation where, when I looked closely at it, I could see that the other person would have to be someone else to comply. I just had to let it go and move on because I actually wanted him to be somebody else.[/glow]

"The other person would have to be someone else to comply" ---- Hey that describes each and every one of my college boyfriends!!  ;)  :)  :D  ;D   Tee hee

lancaster lady

some people just can't say ''I'm sorry '' .
also actions speak louder than words some time , .......now I wonder why my DH bought me those flowers yesterday ??

pam1

Quote from: lancaster lady on November 02, 2011, 03:38:22 PM
some people just can't say ''I'm sorry '' .
also actions speak louder than words some time , .......now I wonder why my DH bought me those flowers yesterday ??

I'm always extremely interested any time DH empties the dishwasher lol
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift