April 03, 2020, 10:32:20 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I feel much better now

Started by zonedefense, February 05, 2010, 07:04:15 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cocobars

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 07:52:49 am
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.

Thank you for your input.


That's a good question then.  I am hoping the DIL's on this site can give you some good input...

We have some wonderful women (DIL's) here, and they give us another side to consider.  I really don't know what to tell you.  Why don't you start your own post about this (so we're not hijacking this one so much).  This will give you specific input that you can come back to!

Marilyn

Thank you Coco,and I'm very sorry Zone,didn't mead to just take over your post.

Marilyn

My apologies again to zone.

If any one has any input for me please go to the post i started on" Do our sons ever have any regrets"

thanks so much

Pen

Zone, I still would like to know how you and other DILs feel about your MILs contacting their DSs instead of you to plan social events. Do you DILs want to be contacted first, or do you prefer DS to run interference with MIL? (You had mentioned in post #1 that your MIL always contacted your DH regarding these matters. I couldn't tell if that was something you appreciated or if it annoyed you.) I don't usually contact my DIL first, and I'm thinking maybe I should. Help!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

doormat

Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything.  He's an adult and I'm not his keeper.  Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.

2chickiebaby

Doormat,
We are only trying to bypass the middle man and go straight to the source.  It's fruitless to go thru him and then he goes to you and he gets back to us with an answer.  By then, the event is usually either over or it's too late to have a decision made.

It's a wholesaling trick done by the retailer.  Go straight to the manufacturer, bypassing the sales rep.

cocobars

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 09:39:12 am
Thank you Coco,and I'm very sorry Zone,didn't mead to just take over your post.

Hi Mominwaiting!

I didn't see that as a big problem.  Conversations take turns.  It's just what happens on posts.  HA!  I just thought if you start your own post about this, you may get more input than just asking in another post.  You are ok and we are all happy your here.  Hopefully you'll get some good input and it will hellp you make decisions about what you want to do.

You have that post, "Do Our Sons Have Regrets," and that is a great idea, or you could start your own post presenting the question.  Good luck, and again - we are happy to have your insight here! :)

cocobars

Quote from: doormat on February 07, 2010, 02:40:13 pm
Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything.  He's an adult and I'm not his keeper.  Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.

Hi doormat - welcome!
Do you call MIL back and let her know, or does he ask while she's still on the phone?  I guess the question should be "how do we go about asking in a way that is not taken as insulting (or overbearing) to out DIL's?" 

Correct me if I'm wrong Penstamen, but aren't you asking if you should go through your DS, in order to allieviate feelings that your DIL may see you this way? 

cremebrulee

Glad you've been hanging out with us...and, it's refreshing to hear a DIL speak so well of her MIL....you'll be a great asset to us...welcome....creme

Marilyn

Coco,thats why i started that post,i was trying to work up to that question.But it got "hi jacked" i guess,oh well.............it helps just reading every one else's post.

cocobars

I'm so sorry!  That's awful Mominwaiting, but I know it does happen.  Would it help to reply to a post and reword your question to knock it back on track?

I hope I didn't do that to you.  I know I have before...

If so, I'm very sorry...

doormat

Quote from: cocobars on February 08, 2010, 04:14:43 am
Quote from: doormat on February 07, 2010, 02:40:13 pm
Just my opinion, I prefer that my MIL contact DH rather than go thru me for everything.  He's an adult and I'm not his keeper.  Granted, he often needs to check with me as he never remembers when our kids have something going on, but that's just the way we do things.

Hi doormat - welcome!
Do you call MIL back and let her know, or does he ask while she's still on the phone?  I guess the question should be "how do we go about asking in a way that is not taken as insulting (or overbearing) to out DIL's?" 

Correct me if I'm wrong Penstamen, but aren't you asking if you should go through your DS, in order to allieviate feelings that your DIL may see you this way?


Ahh, well here's the thing.  I wouldn't have any problem with any of the ILs contacting me directly BUT, there are a few of them that seem to wait until the very last second, then throw guilt trips if we don't respond favorably.  I have one relative on my side who is notorious for this as well.  So, just to make it a clear-cut, across the board thing, DH's family goes thru him and mine goes thru me.  My family is much less likely to give me grief than they are DH, and vice versa.

It's always been my view if it's so dang important for us to be there, they would have asked us sooner. 

Plus, if I say no, they tend to get a whole lot more irritated than when DH says no.  It boils down to, if there is any grief to be gotten, DH takes it from his side, I take it from mine.

cocobars

Well, I think that's just showing consideration.  Thanks for clearing that up, doormat!  You're not a doormat, by the way!  Sounds like you have a clear head and are trying to work things out...

Thank you for that input :)

cremebrulee

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 07, 2010, 07:52:49 am
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.

Thank you for your input.


no two people are alike, but I found, the harder I tried, the less my DIL liked me....
my counselor said, it's a sign of weakness to her....

So it depends on the person....

2chickiebaby

Creme, The last counselor I talked to said, "stop trying to engage her.  At all cost, stop it"  NO MORE MONEY FROM ME GOING TO GO TO A COUNSELOR FOR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THIS 17 YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

It's so hard for me because she is the messenger to our son who interprets all our family dynamics.  It seems she thinks our son was not the favorite.  She points out pictures where our son (taller than the other one at the time) was in the back.  Well, excuse me, that's the way the photographer put us.

If we lived in a foreign country and we could only send letters.  Here's the way it would go...address the letter to:  Mr. & Mrs. John Smith.  DING DING DING DING!!!! Wrong, she has a name. "Don't we know she has a name??" >:(

John and Susie Smith...."why his name first and not mine??"

Susie Smith:  "what is going on?  Does she want to be my clone?  What about DH? See?  She doesn't care about him!!"

Calling on phone: "why does she call so early?"  "why does she wait till she KNOWS we're eating?  Why doesn't she just write instead of calling??  She's trying to manipulate and guilt trip us by calling and saying she misses us.  She a narcissist...I've noticed it from the beginning.  I'm going to let DH make his own mind up.  That's always best."

It is hopeless...