DIL problems

[Sassy]

if he continues on this road by allowing her to makeup things and cause fighting.
This is the worst one she has done but she is randomly hateful to the family for no reason what so ever.

That's very good news.  If this is DIL's worst case of random hatefulness, I think your family is in much better shape than you may realize. 

Occasional conflict doesn't have to mean 20 years of infighting.  In most cases, it is often quite the opposite, an opportunity.  Like I mentioned before, I think this event is the sign of good things.  DIL was open (in private) about her feelings.  And you learned something that can be very useful for avoiding future conflict.

Can I ask how the apology you offered DIL was worded?

[amflautist]

My take on this is a lot different from that of most of the posters, and I would like to be a lot gentler to notwhatiwant.  I don't think she had done anything horrible.  She apologized.  Her DIL decided to take offense later.  If it were me, I would let sleeping dogs lie.  The problems are hers, not yours. 

If this were my DIL, I would gently respond to her accusatory email with "I am so sorry that I offended you.  I will try not to do that again."  I would sincerely mean every word of this short response.  Then I would make sure that all further emails from her went directly into my spam box.

[Shelby]

some feel that the MIL crossed the line in disclosing mono.  Others think not.  What is the big deal/stigma with mono?  it's a simple virus - easily passed.  Many college students get it when they are in the dorm, not eating right, staying up too late and their resistance is down.  It is NOT a STD.  So while it is probably not ever a good idea to discuss anyone else's health - why the big deal about mono? 

[Sassy]

I don't think she did anything horrible, either.  I really don't.  I truly don't think she intended any harm at all.  But I do think it was a mistake.  The reason I was direct about it indeed being a mistake was because the last question she asked was this:

My confusion is.. was it wrong to say something

Because of the confusion, I wanted to be clear in my response.

[Sassy]

What is the big deal/stigma with mono?  it's a simple virus - easily passed.  Many college students get it when they are in the dorm, not eating right, staying up too late and their resistance is down.  It is NOT a STD.  So while it is probably not ever a good idea to discuss anyone else's health - why the big deal about mono? 

I agree with you that it's never a good idea to discussing anyone's health.

Mono is not considered an STD but it is transmitted through saliva, and I myself have known it as The Kissing Disease since middle school.    My guess is that's why it caused titters then, and, as notwhatiwanted is aware, still causes them now:

I casually said that DIL (sitting beside me) had been fighting Mono. She acknowledged and then laughingly told where she got it. (I did not know nor would I have told) but some one asked what that activity was to which I replied that we needed to leave that alone.

[pam1]

Welcome notwhatiwant

When you get a moment please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post. 

Glad you found us, many posters already chiming in.  WWU is a good place, even if the responses weren't always what we hope for.

As for your question, I have about the same take as Sassy.  To me, there is no fuzzy gray area, it's clearly in the wrong.  Medical stuff is very private by nature and a good rule of thumb is to let the afflicted let people know when they want. 

[Doe]

I agree, Mono isn't that bad (I wonder if her DS had it too?).  My point was that it was a big deal to DIL.  If the same thing had happened with a friend would the apology be more heartfelt?  Also, some people have issues with be talked about when they are right there. 

That said, I hope we haven't blown off the original poster!  I got hammered on another site that purported to be for MILs but wasn't really and I never went back. 

If you're still here, Notwhat, don't take offense - this is what we do, we play volleyball with questions here, just tossing the topic around.  No reflection on you as a MIL, ok?

[Ruth]

I have strong boundaries re. my health being discussed.  Once I was at a pharmacy getting rx filled, and the little girl at the register HOLLERED out Mrs. Ruth, your prozac is ready.  I barely whispered to her, that if she had been my employee I would have fired her right then and there.  If I choose to talk about my health to another person, that is one thing, but someone else talking about anything that touches on embarrassing to me would be another.  Mono would be touchy with me. 

[Doe]

Oh, Ruth - how awful but I had to laugh.  What a clueless girl!  This belongs in Shelby's Lack of Courtesy thread. 

[momof2]

@Ruth-I have had that happen with me, too. Except my DD asked what my (as she loudly sounded out) tampons were for. She was only 5. What can ya do? Everybody in the store was giggling at us on our way out.   

[pam1]

LOL momof2

DD at around age 2 referred to my sanitary napkins as diapers when we were having friends over for dinner.  Luckily she was still a little garbled in that area so it wasn't so bad.  No idea what possessed her to bring that up then either!

[Pooh]

Welcome notwhatiwant.  I sincerely hope you came back.  I know it came across in the beginning of your post, some very strong opinions of the situation.  Hopefully, you continued reading to see that the ladies here were truly on your side and that no one thought you did anything on purpose.  I can so see where if in your family, you discuss things like this and when DIL told you she was very casual about the mono, how you were just having a conversation and mentioned it, thinking it wasn't no big deal.  I can tell you meant no disrespect or harm to your DIL and I commend you for apologizing to her after the email.

I will agree with the other ladies that although you were feeling it was ok to discuss her mono, it really wasn't.  I can see where DIL was embarrassed and upset but was trying to handle it with dignity.  I can also see where you didn't think anything about mentioning it because DIL seemed to have a lax attitude about it.  I can tell you that with my medical condition, I don't mind talking to my friends, here or close family about it, because I'm an open book with those that I care about, but if one of them brought it up in front of a bunch of people, I wouldn't like it.  I may be open about it to certain people, but it's my choice who I tell. 

So the answer to your question is that yes, you were wrong to say something in front of everyone.  Did you do it to hurt her or embarrass her?  Why no...but it did.  So you apologized and she sent another yuck email back.  Was it a true apology or did you apologize and follow that with trying to justify why you did it?  I'm asking because to me, those are not apologies but appeasements.

If you did it that way, then try again.  Tell her that you are very sorry that you said that in front of everyone and you didn't realize that you had hurt her, but now you do and it will never happen again.  It was never your intention to embarrass or cause her anxiety but you now realize that is what you did and you are sorry.  If she sends back another yuck email, then you did your best and that's all you can do.

If you did send a sincere apology the first time, then all you can do is wait and see what happens.  You can't make someone forgive you, all you can do is ask for forgiveness and then it's in their court.  I hope she does forgive you as I am with everyone else, it was a mistake but not unforgivable.

[MoonChild]

Hello Ladies, just a thought that I had in regards to many of your stories, why do you communicate with your children and their significant others via email, social networking sites (FB), etc? It seems that many problems arise from emails and FB messages. IMO sometimes emails and text messages wind up being misread or misunderstood, and perhaps the problem lies in the reader trying to 'read-too-much-into' the email or text. I feel that as we enter into this new technology driven age many people are finding it acceptable to communicate important information through these avenues, I don't, I feel that communication needs to be real not virtual, and taking the time to communicate with others in the real world shows that you care. Would you rather receive an 'I'm sorry' email or would you rather have the apology in person, heck even a phone call is better. But then again perhaps this is just my rant of trying to keep things the way they used to be in having real interactions with each other.

[Pooh]

I hear ya MC and I do think communications is becoming a lost artform due to technology.  I can tell you in my case only, distance was a factor, and odd working hours.  OS worked shifts, was going to college and so was DIL, so leaving a "Happy Easter" on FB was my way of letting them know I was thinking about them but not being intrusive and trying to be considerate of their time.  Texting and email was the way they liked to communicate, so I followed suit because OS would text back and forth way before he would make a phone call.  Also, honestly...I am big on technology and most of the time can shoot off a text in 30 seconds versus when I don't have the time to be on the phone for 30 minutes. 

[Pen]

I too hope you come back, NWIW. I still think the mixed messages and double standards can get very confusing. I can see where it would be easy to blurt out something and then regret it. My DIL tells me very intimate details about her DM's health. DIL's FOO doesn't communicate with us, but if they did and I were to accidently say to DIL's DM "I hope you're feeling better" I have a feeling DM & DIL would be furious. I don't say much around DIL, even when she's being talkative and open. What's OK for her is not necessarily OK for me. She blasted me for telling a cute baby story about DS! My baby, my story - but I guess DS and his entire history belong to her now. Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about that?

Oh, the FB discussion again - love the concept, want to stay in touch with friends & relatives, but have been told by DS to stay away from FB. My friends say to join anyway. Maybe if I wait long enough it'll just go away, lol.