No jealousy, no tantrums, just sadness

[amflautist]

How is it possible that our kids can still tug at our hearts and render them so bloody?  I thought I was over that phase.

I was almost rejoicing at my very small success.  And to be honest, it really is very, very small.  DS and DIL don't share their holidays or vacations with us.  It is always with her FOO.  Doesn't matter what we offer.  Sailing in Greece, skiing in Italy, cottage in Canada, sitting aside the pond at home.  And always an all-expense-paid offer.

So this is supposed to be our year for Christmas.  I knew it wouldn't happen.  Hasn't happened since they were married.  They will travel abroad by themselves instead.  Thanksgiving at her FOO.  As a consolation prize, we were offered 2 nights/1 day the weekend before Thanksgiving.  I jumped at the chance.  GREAT!  I can be happy with that!  I accepted their offer.

Well, I just received an email rescinding the second night.  Why does that hurt so much?  Why can't I be satisfied with what I will receive?  Is it because the rules have been changed again?  Were my expectations too high?

[Doe]

Maybe, if you knew how they respond to your invites, continuing to invite them places is setting yourself up for a loss. 

Do you know anyone who would be overjoyed at your offers?  I know it's painful, but it is what it is. 

I think you need to find some other people to love, not instead, but in addition.  Love is available in all shapes and sizes, not just the kind that comes (or should come) from our children. 

[tryingmybest]

By this time you know what to expect, absolutely nothing. Just accept that they will not be spending any part of any holiday with you, surround yourself with new traditions and people who will give to you instead of just draining you. As far as the week-end before Thanksgiving, I would rescind the complete invitation, and take a three day holiday cruise or volunteer in a soup kitchen. Any thing but put yourself in a position of entertaining people who treat you so shabbily. What is it that Dr. Phil says - "We teach people how to treat us." If we continue to grovel for the gift of our DS and DIL company, they will continue to treat us like the ones who get the crumbs.     

[sesamejane]

I know what you mean Am.  I feel so vulnerable with them because I love them so deeply.  I still just like looking at them and hearing their voices.  It really hurts.  I don't complain anymore, and I never see them at holiday time.  They seem to love me, but it just doesn't seem to matter to them.

So...I am sorry that once again you were treated unfairly and with some disregard.  : (

Maybe we will never 'get over it;' maybe we just get on with our lives despite the unhappiness around our relationship with them.

My love to you....

[Pen]

Wow AM, I'm working on this very thing right now. It's difficult. I'm grateful we all have each other here.

[Shelby]

Am- I have read a number of your posts - enough to know you are a solid lady with high standards - didn't try to be your kids' best friend - held your kids accountable (no underage drinking parties, no unchaperoned parties, etc.)  good old fashioned standards.  I find myself in agreement with you a great deal.  I understand you routinely get slighted by DIL and DS on holidays.  Can you tell me WHY?  What led to this? 

I understand you have good relationship with DS.  Not with DIL.  Do you have any insight as to why you are always slighted?  Your insights could be helpful to me. 

Did they say WHY they are cutting the visit from two nights to one?  Is it at all valid?  If it is a lame excuse, I like Trying's idea of rescinding the invitation.  Not going off in a huff and saying "don't come at all" - but maybe more like - "gee - if you don't have time to visit after all, perhaps I'll go to the beach with my friend Sarah who asked me to go with her that weekend.  I had told her I couldn't because you were coming for the weekend - but if you can't make it, I think I'll accept Sarah's invitation after all."

And although you have a good relationship with DS - does he acknowledge DIL's shabby treatment of you?  Does he stand up for you at all?  Maybe rescinding the invitation would cause him to think twice before he lets her treat you shabbily again.
Can you talk to DS about it?

[amflautist]

And although you have a good relationship with DS - does he acknowledge DIL's shabby treatment of you?  Does he stand up for you at all?  Maybe rescinding the invitation would cause him to think twice before he lets her treat you shabbily again.
Can you talk to DS about it?

DH and I have been discussing this -- and we both are of the opinion that DS is an enabler.  He likes to act as a "protector" of DIL.  We are beginning to feel that rescinding the 2nd night is entirely DS's idea -- that he is trying to protect DIL just in case she isn't having a good time.

As for why DIL doesn't like us, why she won't visit us, why we aren't welcome in her house?  It still baffles me.  Her treatment of us the two times we visited their home was rude and unwelcoming.  Unwelcoming to the point that she would not look at us and not talk to us.  Unwelcoming to the point where even DS was in tears.  Unwelcoming to the point that she finally stated that if we were invited again she would go to a hotel.  We think of her as a child in this way, even though she is a thirty-something with advanced degrees.  And clearly DS also does, and he tries to protect her.  I don't think they have any visitors or any parties.  I'm so sorry for DS in this regard.  He is a fine man, a gracious and generous host.  He was always the boyfriend most beloved by the parents! of all the girls he dated, because he was always in the kitchen with the adults, discussing the affairs of the world with them as he helped out with the dishes.  He is extremely bright, very funny, very social, and will probably end up as a CEO before he is 40.

So this is what we did about his email.  I responded to him that I wasn't accepting the situation -- that I was hoping he and DIL would be having such a great time by then that they didn't want to leave.  DH responded that DS should plan to stay because his sister wasn't arriving until 4PM on Sunday, and DS's evening departure would only allow 3 hours for our family Thanksgiving get together.  We'll see what transpires...

[tryingmybest]

Perfect! Wish there was an emotion for clapping hands!

[lancaster lady]

AM:

I haven't even asked my DS about Christmas , as I know where they will spend it , but as I have shared 4 months
with them perhaps  I can't  complain , which of course I won't .
Is your DIL like this with everyone outside her own family ? You say they never have visitors etc , so perhaps
it's not you personally ....just the rest of the world !
My own Ds is being dragged closer and closer to my DIL FOO , plus her circle of friends . so much so that he said , it
doesn't matter where I live as I have no friends anyway !
How sad is that ? When a few years ago he was the life and soul of any party , with many friends .
Why do they have to close ranks and ban all outsiders who haven't been approved ....

[alohomora]

So this is what we did about his email.  I responded to him that I wasn't accepting the situation -- that I was hoping he and DIL would be having such a great time by then that they didn't want to leave.  DH responded that DS should plan to stay because his sister wasn't arriving until 4PM on Sunday, and DS's evening departure would only allow 3 hours for our family Thanksgiving get together.  We'll see what transpires...

OP - I'm sorry you are hurting. I have empathy for your situation. I truly hope your relationship improves and you are able to spend more time together.

IMO, this is not a good way to go about it. The situation isn't yours to accept - it is DS and DIL's decision to do as they please. You and your DH telling them the above may be seen as manipulation and guilt ('but your sister won't be here! We'll only have three hours!') as well as a lack of respect for their decisions. I'm sorry but given what I've read here, I wouldn't be surprised if they cancelled. I truly hope that doesn't happen. Can you talk to us a bit more about your history with DIL? Why is she so cold?

[Sassy]

  I responded to him that I wasn't accepting the situation -- that I was hoping he and DIL would be having such a great time by then that they didn't want to leave.  DH responded that DS should plan to stay because his sister wasn't arriving until 4PM on Sunday, and DS's evening departure would only allow 3 hours for our family Thanksgiving get together. 

I'm not sure why exactly, but this gave me anxiety.   Like DS should arrive prepared for battle, if he wants to actually do what he gave lots of advance notice that he was planning to do. 

I wish DS didn't tell you two nights, then scale it back to one.   He sure set you up for disappointment.      But, he is still making efforts to come, just to celebrate a holiday with you.      I hope DS doesn't start to feel like despite his efforts, and a 24-36 hour visit in your home, that he'll be disappointing you anyway.   If the idea was he supposed to feel that, so it will motivate him to stay longer, I don't know how effective that approach is.

[amflautist]

Eh, we'll see how it works.  DS and DIL are free to leave.  DS knows that.  Further, please know that we did not invite them -- they invited themselves.  Folks, there is no stress between DS and ourselves, nor between DS and DD.  The four of us all get on fabulously.  We talk and joke and party.  It has been really super, super, super for the past 4 years when DS took the time to visit one of our venues without DIL.  He came because he didn't want to miss out on family fun.  The stress comes when DIL is along, because she always wants to cut out and leave.  So how did it happen that he invited her to his annual pilgrimage?  Actually, she asked to come along this time.  Maybe she's changing.  Maybe she will actually have a good time.  Anyway, if she feels stress, you can be sure that DS will whisk her away early Sunday evening. 

So I'm planning on having a lot of fun.  By myself if necessary. 

[Shelby]

DH and I have been discussing this -- and we both are of the opinion that DS is an enabler.  He likes to act as a "protector" of DIL.  We are beginning to feel that rescinding the 2nd night is entirely DS's idea -- that he is trying to protect DIL just in case she isn't having a good time.

. . . . . .  Unwelcoming to the point where even DS was in tears.  Unwelcoming to the point that she finally stated that if we were invited again she would go to a hotel. 

[/quote]

Am - I don't know if your son is an enabler - but it sounds like your DIL has serious mental/emotional issues.  Has she seen a doctor?  If your son is in tears at her behavior - he is clearly stressed and caught in the middle.  I do feel sorry for him - but he has to man up and either get his wife the help she needs - or stand up for his FOO.  You also said she said she would stay in hotel if you came again.  Did you stay with them?  That was probably a mistake.  I would never stay under their roof - but you should be able to stay in a local motel near them and have a nice visit with him, if not her.  Heck, I'd camp at the local campground before I would stay with them.

IMO, this is not a good way to go about it. The situation isn't yours to accept - it is DS and DIL's decision to do as they please.

Aloho - I totally disagree that it is "DS and DIL's decision to do as they please."  Perhaps that is what is wrong with some of the DILs that the MILs on this site complain about.  They think they should always be able to do as they please without taking others' feelings into consideration at all.   Narcissistic, immature brats. 

Given DILs habit of spending lots of vacation and holiday time with her FOO, spending 2 nights with DS FOO is very little concession on her part.  Amflautist is not asking much.  She can hardly be described as manipulative.  She and DH have issued an invitation.  It can be accepted or declined - but the invitees do not get to pick and choose.  Anything less than an enthusiastic, 100 per cent acceptance certainly justifies Amflautist in rescinding the invitation.  Amflautist shouldn't have to be treated so shabbily - accepting crumbs.  This DIL sounds totally self-absorbed and narcissistic.  Amflautist's DS needs to either get his wife some medical help, or man up and stand up for his FOO. 

But the idea that Amfl and her husband (who have received second class status while DIL's FOO receives all the focus) have to continue to take rude treatment from DIL just so nobody will think AM is manipulative is poppycock.  To heck with what this spoiled brat DIL thinks.  AMflautist, why not take your daughter and husband to beach, have a great time, and tell DS and DIL you'll see them when they can grow up a little bit.   

[Sassy]

She and DH have issued an invitation.  It can be accepted or declined - but the invitees do not get to pick and choose.  Anything less than an enthusiastic, 100 per cent acceptance certainly justifies Amflautist in rescinding the invitation.

Shelby, amflutist and DH did not issue an invitation.  DS and DIL issued an offer to come.   Since Amflutist gave less than 100 per cent acceptance  (in fact, she told DS she would not accept his offer), my hope is precisely that it does not justify DS and DIL in rescinding the offer.

[Pooh]

I think I love you Shelby!