DH and I have been discussing this -- and we both are of the opinion that DS is an enabler. He likes to act as a "protector" of DIL. We are beginning to feel that rescinding the 2nd night is entirely DS's idea -- that he is trying to protect DIL just in case she isn't having a good time.
. . . . . . Unwelcoming to the point where even DS was in tears. Unwelcoming to the point that she finally stated that if we were invited again she would go to a hotel.
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Am - I don't know if your son is an enabler - but it sounds like your DIL has serious mental/emotional issues. Has she seen a doctor? If your son is in tears at her behavior - he is clearly stressed and caught in the middle. I do feel sorry for him - but he has to man up and either get his wife the help she needs - or stand up for his FOO. You also said she said she would stay in hotel if you came again. Did you stay with them? That was probably a mistake. I would never stay under their roof - but you should be able to stay in a local motel near them and have a nice visit with him, if not her. Heck, I'd camp at the local campground before I would stay with them.
IMO, this is not a good way to go about it. The situation isn't yours to accept - it is DS and DIL's decision to do as they please.
Aloho - I totally disagree that it is "DS and DIL's decision to do as they please." Perhaps that is what is wrong with some of the DILs that the MILs on this site complain about. They think they should always be able to do as they please without taking others' feelings into consideration at all. Narcissistic, immature brats.
Given DILs habit of spending lots of vacation and holiday time with her FOO, spending 2 nights with DS FOO is very little concession on her part. Amflautist is not asking much. She can hardly be described as manipulative. She and DH have issued an invitation. It can be accepted or declined - but the invitees do not get to pick and choose. Anything less than an enthusiastic, 100 per cent acceptance certainly justifies Amflautist in rescinding the invitation. Amflautist shouldn't have to be treated so shabbily - accepting crumbs. This DIL sounds totally self-absorbed and narcissistic. Amflautist's DS needs to either get his wife some medical help, or man up and stand up for his FOO.
But the idea that Amfl and her husband (who have received second class status while DIL's FOO receives all the focus) have to continue to take rude treatment from DIL just so nobody will think AM is manipulative is poppycock. To heck with what this spoiled brat DIL thinks. AMflautist, why not take your daughter and husband to beach, have a great time, and tell DS and DIL you'll see them when they can grow up a little bit.