March 28, 2024, 11:17:17 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


No jealousy, no tantrums, just sadness

Started by amflautist, October 24, 2011, 10:07:32 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

alohomora

let me add though - if their visit is making you feel stressed or unhappy, you have every right to simply cancel it.

Sassy

QuoteThis level of animosity doesn't just come out of no where. Along the way something probably happened to cause her level of discomfort.

we didn't talk for three years due to us choosing to leave at a certain time and her not agreeing with our reasons for leaving. Stupidest thing in the world but after the massive freak out she had I refused to speak to her until she apologized. She never did.

Did you ever find out what happened along the way to cause that level of animosity and discomfort with you for your MIL?

I've found with some people, just not getting their all their way, all the time, is all it takes for that level of animosity. 

alohomora

I have - it took a lot of soul searching but I did.

There was the obvious - MIL was/is hugely overbearing. She speaks with all the IL's every day. They are all very happy and I really see nothing wrong with how they choose to enjoy their lives. But DH and I aren't comfortable with that level of involvement. Bottom line is we don't have anything in common with the IL's and have little to talk about with them other then plesantries. We don't agree on religion/politics/etc. So time spent with them has never had that warm fuzzy feeling. DH left home at 18 and finds he can't really relate to the lives of his family members who sort of took the same path and DH took another.

As a result, we didn't enjoy our time with MIL. So we were reluctant to go there vrs. spend time with people we had fun with (this is when we lived within a driving distance of them).

I'm sure our discomfort at being in their home was noticed. Sensing that we were backing away from the fold, MIL amped up her attempts to draw us back in - which only made us pull back more. When that didn't work, she got nasty. I never spoke rudely to her (worst I've ever done in 12 years is hang up on her one time when she was yelling at me over the phone about wedding plans while I was at work) and never have, but I know, years ago, when I'd see her getting annoyed at something we were saying/doing, I'd push her buttons a little and watch (smugly I'm sure) as she would explode.

What annoyed me so much back then (that thanksgiving week-end included) was that I was the only reason DH even visited his FOO. I would insist on it and make the plans. He wasn't really interested. He loves his family but he doesn't make much effort beyond cards and gifts for holidays. So here I was making all this effort to go visit his FOO, only to get snippy comments about our lifestyle or choices. So I stopped alltogether.

Doe

Quote from: amflautist on October 25, 2011, 11:32:00 AM
I honestly think my house is not clean enough for her.  Honest!  I think that's a big part of it.  The rest I can't figure out.  And I don't want to.

ugh - my DIL and son stayed with us for a week before they left town.  DS came down and whispered, "Did you wash the sheets?".    I had to laugh at how outrageously rude that was and how badly he tried to make it his own origination and not hers.  (Of course I washed the sheets and everything else...)

My FDIL who is a sweet, sweet, sweetheart is severely allergic to dogs and since we have 2, she'll never come in till they are aroooing from the other side. 

It does take the pressure to entertain off.


Pen

Quote from: alohomora on October 25, 2011, 02:21:01 PM
Have you ever asked either of them what her issue is? ....
This level of animosity doesn't just come out of no where. Along the way something probably happened to cause her level of discomfort.

Alohomora, my DIL told my DS that we hadn't done anything wrong, but she hated us anyway. She treats us almost exactly as AM's DIL treats her, except for the locking in the bathroom thing. Nothing we have or do or talk about is acceptable. We pale in comparison to her FOO, and DS is rapidly being absorbed into his shiny new family. Hurts like heck.

We need to acknowledge that sometimes there isn't a cause for a person's animosity. I mean, people who committ hate crimes usually don't have a logical explanation either.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

I often wonder what became of my strong DS ? To now be led like a puppy on a leash . It's his life , but how long will he be happy  being lead ? I am having dreams of a split , no not wishful thinking , just another concern .

Shelby

Lancaster -- so what's wrong with wishful thinking? 

Shelby

Pen - so sorry you get the same treatment Am's DIL gives her.  It is puzzling and hurtful.  Being new here, I don't have the history a lot of you do, so I skimmed some of your early posts.  We've been MILs about the same length of time.   You mentioned the economic disparity between your DS FOO and DIL's FOO.  If she bases her judgments on that sort of thing, she is indeed a very shallow person, and hopefully your son, having been raised with good values, will eventually see through her.  As I said to Lancaster, I don't see anything wrong with a little wishful thinking.  Silent, of course, but why not enjoy a little fantasy. 

On the money thing - I have never wanted or needed anything I couldn't buy.  Of course I have beer tastes, so when you have beer tastes and a champagne budget, you have plenty of $$.  If I cared about designer clothes and trying to impress others with fancy wine that costs as much per bottle as a month's rent in my college apartment years ago, I'd probably run out of $$ - but those aren't the things that really matter, as I'm sure you have known for decades. 

I came from affluence and married a man whose family had no money - just good values, love and loyalty.  I have been blessed with a wonderful MIL for 30 years - she died just 3 weeks ago.  What a loss.  I have always been glad that my husband's FOO was not wealthy, as it would have been that much harder to instill good values in our children if both sets of GPs were wealthy.  Having one side of the family be wealthy was fine/great - vacation homes, nice cars, fancy houses, etc.  But having the other side be of more modest means gave my kids a good perspective on life - and made it easier for me and DH to instill some good values in the kids.  They learned that both sets of GPs loved them equally - that love had nothing to do with $$$, etc. 

Frankly, I have seen too many families where both bride and groom's families were wealthy - the kids often are incredibly spoiled, take everything for granted and turn out to be a mess.  So I was always grateful that my kids had two sets of GP who were equally loving, but didn't always act like money grew on trees. 

Sorry to hijack this thread - but wanted to give Pen a little support - even though some of her concerns were expressed a couple of years ago and obviously - being a global moderator - she probably doesn't need my comments at this point. 

lancaster lady

well Shelby ,
To be quite honest I really wouldn't like to see them split up , as I want my GD to have a loving stable home ,
I hope they have a long life together . However having them living with me for the last four months , I'm not sure
that they have much in common and the 10 year gap between them really shows at times . I know opposites attract
and perhaps it's just me being an old fashioned wife , but my DIL from my view point certainly doesn't consider
my DS when she's off gadding about with her girly friends , week in week out .
I know the DIL's here might poo poo my ideas about cooking and looking after your husband , but after the end of a long
day to come home to an empty house , having to cook your own meal and iron your shirts before you go to work each
day is not my idea of married life . different if both worked , but when one is a '' home keeper '' while the other earns
a living , surely warrants some looking after . Are these old fashioned ideas ? Perhaps it's just me .
This is how they lived before they moved in with me , and perhaps exacerbated the money problems  with so many
shopping trips .
Moving day is next week , then they will be five minutes from my DIL FOO , I might give my GD a photo of me so
she remembers who I am .......lol

colleen01

First off, I really didn't read the rest of the posts after Shelby called them "brats".  I was clapping and so happy that I'm not the only one thinking this!  This treatment is so sickening I really can't stand it!  Tiptoeing around, making sure to accept in the "right" way, be oh, sooooo grateful for a day here and there! Here is the first thing that went thru my mind after reading amflutist(sp) post.  If I had(what seems to be "extra"funds) I truly would play a game and pay someone to substitute for DS and DIL for a time.  (Don't jump down throat, I probably am crazy after many years of brats), adore me, go on these trips that people everywhere would kill for,post these fun adventures with "new" fam, still be nice to DS and DIL, and see if they start to pursue you and hubby.  Bet they would!!!

Pooh

Ha ha ha!  DS/DIL stunt doubles!  I like it!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

Hey, I'm available for sailing in Greece, skiing in Italy, cottage-ing in Canada and sitting by a pond at home.  I am nothing if not a giver, so if you need someone to fill that role, I'm your (wise) woman (united)!

Pen

LOL! I can dress like a twenty-something, and if no one looks too closely...nah, it'd never work. But I can dream, can't I?

Shelby, of course your comments and those of everyone here are welcome! I'm not anyone special just 'cos I have magical mod powers, lol.

About the wealth discrepency, my FOO had $$$ but didn't act like it. My first ILs had a lot more and acted like it (they didn't like me much.) DH's FOO was comfy but had a lot of kids to feed and educate, not a lot left over. They are super nice, down to earth. And now there's DIL whose FOO has recently become rich/snobby. DS is blinded by bling. DIL is disgusted by our lack thereof.

Oh, that gives me an idea....DH & I should poor on the "rural trashy folk" persona when she's around! Overalls with one strap hanging down, pigs in the living room, corn cobs & Sears catalogs in the guest powder room, a white lightnin' still set up in the front yard, etc. This could be fun!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Shelby

Quote from: Pen on October 26, 2011, 07:34:25 PM

About the wealth discrepency, my FOO had $$$ but didn't act like it. DS is blinded by bling. DIL is disgusted by our lack thereof.

Oh, that gives me an idea....DH & I should poor on the "rural trashy folk" persona when she's around! Overalls with one strap hanging down, pigs in the living room, corn cobs & Sears catalogs in the guest powder room, a white lightnin' still set up in the front yard, etc. This could be fun!

Your FOO that didn't put on airs - despite having $$$ - I think I'd like them very much.  Far prefer down-to-earth people over the pretentious ones.  And while I couldn't go for pigs in the living room, what's wrong with Sears catalogs?  My dad - who was raised in the country - always called it the "wish book".  He and his brothers and sisters would pore over it, just wishing they could have some of the toys, etc. in the catalog.  But now as I recall, they had another use for it, too, in that they didn't get indoor plumbing until after my dad was grown and gone.  So I guess your DIL wouldn't have liked my grandparents, either.  So you're in pretty good company!  ;)

colleen01

Oh, how good to laugh!  Humor is so healing!  If we can continue to see the humor (at times)eventually in these situations how helpful that will be!  The stunt double comment made me pee pee in pants, sure sign of healthy, hearty laughter!  Thanks all!