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No jealousy, no tantrums, just sadness

Started by amflautist, October 24, 2011, 10:07:32 AM

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amflautist

I appreciate your viewpoint, Shelby. 

Just for the record, the first time we visited them (at their invitation)!, we stayed two nights.  When DIL when into a fritz and locked herself into the bathroom, and wouldn't answer me while I spent 30 minutes on my knees in front of her bathroom door, I went to our room and started packing.  DS, in tears, asked that we not leave, that we not allow DIL to spoil our visit, etc, so we stayed for the second night.  Big mistake.

The second time we visited them (for a quick 30 minute breakfast ONLY), at DS's insistence because he wanted us to see their new apt., we got the cold shoulder --- leaving both me and DS in tears.  There has never been a third time.   A couple of years ago they bought an expensive house and immediately invited her FOO to visit.   Six months later, when DS wanted us to visit, DIL issued the hotel threat.  We have actually seen the house -- DS sneaked us in for a 15 minute tour while DIL was out.  That's it.  The full monte, so to speak.

I really don't care anymore.  I am simply so sad that DS has chosen this childlike creature as his bride.  He deserves a full partner in life.


Sassy

Quote AMflautist, why not take your daughter and husband to beach, have a great time, and tell DS and DIL you'll see them when they can grow up a little bit.   

I think the reason why not, is because Amflautist wants to eat a holiday meal with them.   

Being offered a 36 hour visit is not crumbs to be discarded.   It sounds like a whole meal to me.   In fact, several meals.  Absolutely it stinks that DS orginally offered to stay two nights, but I'm not sure how it could be worth trashing the whole traditional family celebration because of it.  This couple won't even be in the country for Christmas.  They already have Thanksgiving plans (perhaps where they were invited and accepted).  They offered to come to an early Thanksgiving at Amflautists.  She should, (and she will!), savor all 2,160 minutes of it. 

amflautist

Oh Sassy, we are not demanding folks here.  In fact, we have invited all the young 20-to-30 somethings who live on our floor in this apt. building to drink some wine and eat Halloween candy with us this Saturday evening.  (We are the only older folks squeezed in amongst a passel of young bright urban yuppies.)  Maybe you would like to come too?  You might even like us and our brand of humour.

Shelby

OK, Amflautist - I'll say it out loud.  Your DIL is a psycho.  Unless you have totally distorted the facts, which I doubt as I have read a number of your posts and your are a reasoned and calm woman.  Sorry to say, your DS will probably never be a CEO - because he'll be too busy babysitting his psycho wife.  You can always pray for divorce.  But silently.  Very silently.


Pooh - I love you too.  Sometimes I get tired of seeing all the pressure on MILs to tolerate spoiled brat behavior on the part of DILs.  Yet we continue to put up with it.  I was so disappointed my DIL never acknowledged the near fatal illness of grandfather of DS (my FIL - he's 96 years old).  Not even a card.  Even though she worked in the same friggin hospital where he was for two full weeks - she couldn't take an elevator to visit, drop off a card or anything.  Not even a phone call to us to inquire as to his health.   Yet some on this board did amazing gymnastics coming up with all kinds of excuses for her behavior.  Those posters could be criminal defense attorneys.  Ridiculous, convoluted excuses for a spoiled brat not caring about anyone but herself.  Too much enabling, too much entitlement on the part of some of these DILs. 

Now my son's grandmother - also 96 - has died.  That was nearly 3 weeks ago.  We are hoping DIL will acknowledge this death in the family.  So far neither my DH, his father or I have heard a word from her.  DS and DIL live across the country and were unable to come to the very small family service - which we totally understand.  DS has been in touch with his GF about his GM declining health and death, DS was good to his GPs when he lived here -  DS will also see GF over the holidays - so all was fine with that.  DIL doesn't have to send expensive flowers or a big charitable donation in honor of her husband's grandmother's death, but we are hoping for a card or phone call to say -- sorry to hear that this wonderful lady who was a wonderful grandmother has passed on."  So far nothing.  Again, it has been nearly 3 weeks - long enough to call or send a card (as lots of our friends and neighbors have) and still no word from DIL.  I am hopeful there will be SOME acknowledgement of my MILs death.  My MIL was a delight.  I'll give DIL a little more time - but I don't think there can be an excuse for DIL to totally ignore the death. 


As one WW said - maybe it was Keys, or Doe or you, Pooh - I can't remember. - but one WW said there is a great divide.  There sure as heck is. 

Shelby

Amflautist - can I come to your Halloween party?  Just give me the address - and I'll stay for the FULL party! ;)

pam1

Wow, I think that is a tad harsh.  My MIL has a severe mental illness which causes her to behave in ways the OPs DIL has -- locking herself in bathrooms or closets, meltdowns etc.  But calling her psycho isn't the answer, name calling hardly helps.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Shelby

I suspect that if AM's DIL had been diagnosed with a mental illness, Am would have shared that information with us.  So presumably there is not a mental illness present.  Just brattiness.  However, recognizing the possibility that DIL has mental illness is why I suggested that Am's son should look into getting his wife some help.   But it is not an answer for DS to fail to get diagnosis for mental illness, then expect everyone to be tolerant.   Am's DS needs to get his wife diagnosed, then explain situation to his FOO so there can be increased tolerance (although AM already sounds pretty tolerant) - or he needs to man up.  Can't ask for tolerance if he fails to get diagnosis/help for DIL. 

Yes, calling "psycho" is harsh.  And name-calling is not constructive.  But treatment of Amflautist in past has been very harsh as well.  And should not continue.  And, curious how DIL tolerates visits from her FOO but can't even deal with a 30 minute breakfast with AM and her husband?  If DIL has mental illness, she probably couldn't tolerate all the visits, travel, etc. with her own FOO.   

However, I sincerely apologize for calling Am's DIL a psycho.  It was not constructive, and since it would appear that DIL is simply an entitled brat, it was an unfair comment to all those out there who truly have mental illnesses and are trying to deal with it. 

Sassy

QuoteOh Sassy, we are not demanding folks here.  In fact, we have invited all the young 20-to-30 somethings who live on our floor in this apt. building to drink some wine and eat Halloween candy with us this Saturday evening.  (We are the only older folks squeezed in amongst a passel of young bright urban yuppies.)  Maybe you would like to come too?  You might even like us and our brand of humour.

Thank you for the invite.  I would love to come!!! 8)   I'll be the one dressed as Lady Gaga!

Amflautist, I hope you did not get that I thought you were demanding.  I don't think that, at all.  I have written about your son, and I have tried to imagine myself in his position for insight.   I haven't written a thing about your DIL because I can't even begin to understand her.  But I will say that, the more I read, the better "just" one night sounds!

Please excuse me for a while while I think of a way to work the word passel into a sentence, that word is delicious! Yum yum thank you.

pam1

It's been my experience that those afflicted with mental illness are very private concerning it.  There is still a lot of stigma surrounding it and what looks to a normal person as odd or even bratty behavior has a deeper cause behind it that is likely not very understood by most.

I doubt without a very good relationship that a DIL would reveal that information about herself to her in laws.  And even so, this may not be the cause with amflautist's DIL but there is something there that isn't quite right.  I wouldn't even call it bratty, just something not quite right with her. 

Amflautist, IMO, with what you posted, I would not take it personally.  I don't think it's about you at all, there is something going on with her and there isn't a thing that you can do about it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

QuoteAmflautist, IMO, with what you posted, I would not take it personally.  I don't think it's about you at all, there is something going on with her and there isn't a thing that you can do about it. 

Agreed!

Not taking her behavior personally:  One of those easy to understands, but hard to executes. 

Detachment from the unseemly behavior of others takes time, and lots of self-reminding, but it's so worth it.  It has been my, and my DH's, saving grace.

amflautist

I will state categorically than DIL doesn't have any mental illness.  She just doesn't like us.  We are poor uncouth academics.  Her family is fabulously beautiful and rich.  She is fabulously beautiful and rich.  When we travel, we stay in student hostels.  They stay in castles.

I honestly think my house is not clean enough for her.  Honest!  I think that's a big part of it.  The rest I can't figure out.  And I don't want to. 

amflautist

Possibly not liking us is a sure sign of sanity! 

Shelby


alohomora

Have you ever asked either of them what her issue is? I stand by my statement earlier as well - they have the right to change their mind about the length of a visit and guilt shouldn't be used to try and sway them. It'll backfire.

This level of animosity doesn't just come out of no where. Along the way something probably happened to cause her level of discomfort.

The longest cut-off I ever had from MIL (lasted nearly three years) was as a result of us leaving, according to her, early from a Thanksgiving week-end. It's a long story but we didn't talk for three years due to us choosing to leave at a certain time and her not agreeing with our reasons for leaving. Stupidest thing in the world but after the massive freak out she had I refused to speak to her until she apologized. She never did. But she did try and justify herself to DH one time years later.