August 19, 2019, 06:22:58 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I feel much better now

Started by zonedefense, February 05, 2010, 07:04:15 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

isitme?

Chickie - SHE is hopeless...  no matter what you do, you can't win... she is looking for ways to twist all your actions into something negative.  I think your counselor was right when they said stop trying to engage.  I don't think that means cutting off contact with her, your son or anyone - I think disengaging can also mean disengaging your emotions from the other person's behavior - knowing that the problem is THEM and that you have done your best and whatever criticisms she makes of your actions - don't let it get to you because you know you have not done anything wrong. 

Easier said then done I know  :-\

cremebrulee

Quote from: isitme? on February 08, 2010, 10:43:15 am
Chickie - SHE is hopeless...  no matter what you do, you can't win... she is looking for ways to twist all your actions into something negative.  I think your counselor was right when they said stop trying to engage.  I don't think that means cutting off contact with her, your son or anyone - I think disengaging can also mean disengaging your emotions from the other person's behavior - knowing that the problem is THEM and that you have done your best and whatever criticisms she makes of your actions - don't let it get to you because you know you have not done anything wrong. 

Easier said then done I know  :-\


isitme
OMG, how are you, I was thinking about you and missing you....hope all is well

2chickiebaby

Thank you, Isitme.....thanking God that we have the best DILs on here.  You are one of them.


isitme?

Thanks Chickie and Creme,
I've been thinking about you all too!  Have kept up with everyone's posts but haven't added much lately.  Things are going well so far - we are getting officially engaged (notifying family etc. etc.).  I have not spoken to my FMIL at all so I"m not sure what to expect when I do. 

We've also finished our counseling - there was a lot we got out of it so I"m glad we went but there were also things I didn't agree with but that's okay.  What I found a little bit striking was that in our last session, we spent most of the time talking about FMIL and how my FH, his father and brother could try to get her on some kind of anti-depressant and encourage her to get out of the house and participate in activities/life.  I think this a great idea but this has to be something they do - I can't be involved with it.  I really hope they follow through on this but it's going to take some time..  I am a little miffed though - after a particularly grueling conversation with FMIL a few months ago (which I reported here) I suggested to FH in as dipolomatic a way as I could, that his mother might be suffering from depression and maybe they should look into getting her some help.  That is kind of what led to the discussion about dealing with FMIL which ultimately led to us going to counseling.  Now several months and several hundreds of dollars later, we have heard the SAME exact words from a professional.  Hmm.....  I'm still glad we went though   :)

Hope everything is going well with you and everyone else - and hope everyone who was caught in the snow is snug and warm today! 


2chickiebaby

She probably is severely depressed.  I hope someone gets her help and you were right, she was.  I guess the depression was talking to you and not her.

I'm getting fed up with counselors.  I hate that because that's what they're for.  What happened to common sense, though? You saw the depression in his Mother right off and now hundreds of dollars later, it's what it is!! Unbelievable!

Sometimes a good friend is better than all the counselors in the world.  Problem is, you don't want them burdened with you and your problems. 

Somebody needs to slap me real hard today.  I'm getting too riled up. We're attracting so many "guests" that we're going to overload the system.  ;D

They love to hear me go on and on.  :P  The more I rant, the madder they get.

Who will do the slapping?  I'm ready, go ahead.  :-[


cocobars

February 08, 2010, 11:10:40 am #35 Last Edit: February 08, 2010, 11:12:55 am by cocobars
I'm not slapping anymore, it makes me feel guilty!  But, I will try pinging...   PING!

Pshhht!  Oh my, that didn't do it!

Luise, will you please "ping" Chickie too!  Yours work better!

2chickiebaby

No pinging....I need slapping. Coco! You have the same disease I have!!!

I feel guilty about everything.  I was proudly raised on guilt and passive aggressive comments!! YAY!!  No wonder I'm nuts.  I had no idea what was going on till the new age of women told us!  Well, slap me naked and hide my clothes.

Isitme?  Will you do it? :)

cremebrulee

Quote from: isitme? on February 08, 2010, 10:57:26 am
Thanks Chickie and Creme,
I've been thinking about you all too!  Have kept up with everyone's posts but haven't added much lately.  Things are going well so far - we are getting officially engaged (notifying family etc. etc.).  I have not spoken to my FMIL at all so I"m not sure what to expect when I do. 

We've also finished our counseling - there was a lot we got out of it so I"m glad we went but there were also things I didn't agree with but that's okay.  What I found a little bit striking was that in our last session, we spent most of the time talking about FMIL and how my FH, his father and brother could try to get her on some kind of anti-depressant and encourage her to get out of the house and participate in activities/life.  I think this a great idea but this has to be something they do - I can't be involved with it.  I really hope they follow through on this but it's going to take some time..  I am a little miffed though - after a particularly grueling conversation with FMIL a few months ago (which I reported here) I suggested to FH in as dipolomatic a way as I could, that his mother might be suffering from depression and maybe they should look into getting her some help.  That is kind of what led to the discussion about dealing with FMIL which ultimately led to us going to counseling.  Now several months and several hundreds of dollars later, we have heard the SAME exact words from a professional.  Hmm.....  I'm still glad we went though   :)

Hope everything is going well with you and everyone else - and hope everyone who was caught in the snow is snug and warm today!


Well, congratulations, I hope things all work out, you never know, if the 3 of them talk to her, maybe, she'll admit she has some problems....maybe this one will be a happy ending and after your married, she'll be happy to have her new daughter. 

wishing you the best.

Creme

isitme?

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 08, 2010, 11:08:06 am
  What happened to common sense, though?


No slapping!  How about some dancing around instead?

Once when I was talking about common sense, a professor of mine stopped me and said "You should call it good sense - because it ain't that common!"  Sadly so true.

I agree with what you said about counselors sort of... but the truth is sometimes it DOES take an objective 3rd party to get someone to listen (in this case, FH realizing that he shouldn't just "cope" with his mother, if he loves her he will try to get her some real help).  Maybe the DIL/MIL relationship in particular is just to fraught with underlying emotions for either to communicate effectively about the other in a way that a husband/son will respond to.  I"m not sure about that though. 

Thanks for the good wishes Creme - as things play out over the next few months I'm sure I"ll be asking for all your advice! 

If it makes any of you feel better - after all the hoopla I read here about the other hate site, I went and checked it out.  Wow, I wouldn't want to be married to most of those women!  I think the ones that speak up here are generally not of that sort - which is why we get along.  I still primarily think of this as a support group for MILs but I also think it's a good site in general for anyone who has to deal with an emotionally unhealthy person (for whatever reason) but DOESN'T want to do it in a way that cuts off family relationships.  So I"m glad there are several other DILs here who post regularly - I think it serves as a reality check for all of us to have these different perspectives.

lilyofthevalley

The "contact your son" method is what my son and DIL use.  The way she explained it to me is that with families, there are always phone calls to make and stuff to get and things to do for any visit.  Like if they come to see me, they need to find someone to get their mail and feed the cat while they're gone.  To keep the division of labor fair, my son handles all the calls, getting things booked, and mapping the route for visits with his family and she does it with hers.  Not how we did it in my day, but I have to say it makes sense.   Now how do I convince my husband of this....

2chickiebaby

Dancing around?  Okay, if you think that will fix me.  I can't say those things in real life so off I go.  But, thanks.

Yes, you're right about the Counselors.  They are a good third party interpreter and necessary in your case especially.

You are just wonderful, Isitme.  (I don't want you to get a bad rep by me saying that, though)  Our other DILs are great too. 

Yes, other sites are really over the top and we're becoming a huge threat to them.  They've been admonished not to talk about us any more-- to their credit.

I wish they had taken that stand when Creme and I were first searching for answers there.




2chickiebaby

What does your Husband say about it, Lilly?  Does he not like it that way? 

You seem really together....peaceful, would you mind slapping me so I can stop this?

lilyofthevalley

My husband is fine with the way they do it.  I handle all the arrangements for our family, so it doesn't really involve him.  But I'm looking at how my son and DIL do it and thinking "boy wouldn't it be nice if my DH got his sister a card and mailed it instead of me"  Her birthday is in early January and I'm usually going so crazy getting ready for 12th night that it can be a bit of a hassle, but I've always just done that stuff for both families.