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Do our sons ever have regrets

Started by Marilyn, February 03, 2010, 08:39:10 AM

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Postscript

But Chickie your daughter in law is not Anna's.  Regardless of that, the framing of the question is about a potential problem, not about the daughter in law.  I work in law for a living, probably explains why I love a good argument and see/use loopholes  ;)

2chickiebaby

Not a potential problem but one I have witnessed first hand. 

Scoop

What about the flip side?  What if you talked to your sons to see where you should watch your step around your DIL?  Ask him where the land mines are so you can avoid them?

For example - calling on his birthday.

I hated my MIL for calling on my DH's birthday, do you know why?  She insisted on calling at his birth MINUTE.  the first Christmas (DH's birthday) we spent at my parents house, she called at 1 am on Christmas morning.  We had been in bed since 10 pm and her call woke up my Dad, my Mom, my brother, my SIL (thankfully NOT the DN's), me and DH.  DH's solution was for her to call his cell phone 2 yrs later at 1 am on Christmas morning.  So this woke ME up, so I could nudge DH to answer it.  Now, MIL & I already had a strained relationship, but do you think this made things BETTER?  If DH had asked his Mom to please wait until Christmas DAY - things would have been better. 

In retrospect, I realize that I should not have been angry with my MIL over this - I should have been angry with DH for permitting it go on.

Pen

Scoop, I hear you regarding the late night phone calls on Christmas & birthdays - rude and thoughtless on MIL's part. But that's an annoyance two days a year, and probably easily dealt with by suggesting an alternative. Have you tried talking to her about a better time to call?

Some of us MILs deal with physical threats, loss of GK visitation, loss of relationship with DS, extreme rudeness such as being shunned or yelled at in public, etc. etc. on a daily basis.

Anna, I know what you mean about people who don't want to be reached. They have an agenda and will not budge from it for anything. It's as if we don't exist as a similar life form.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

All their lives, even when they were in college, we called first thing in the morning to wish them Happy Birthday.  They seemed to love it.......I think I will wait till later in the day now that I've heard this.  Maybe it no longer works.  Nothing does anymore, though.

Pen

Chickie, I know! Early morning is a lot different than late at night at someone else's house. I think you're OK. Now I text DS on his b-day first thing in the morning, and he can do with it as he wishes. He still seems to expect it and appreciate it, which is sweet. I rarely call for any reason, just don't want the fallout. I miss him.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

I can't bring myself to call them either.....I'm afraid.  I don't know if it's welcomed anymore. :'(

cocobars

Quote from: Postscript on February 03, 2010, 04:04:16 PM
Coco, you know what your son is afraid of.  Your daughter in law doesn't sound very nice at all.  But Anna, your daughter in law is a good mother and seemingly good wife?  Rather than jump to conclusions about the children, perhaps it would be better to find out?  It could just as easily be concluded that his rabbit about to be devoured look is fear of potential conflict could it not? 

Perhaps when he gets that look you could ask him gently, I can see that you see potential for a problem by the look on your face, can you explain what the problem you foresee is?  It would open dialogue, that way you could learn more from him about his situation and if nothing else, he knows how his wife thinks, what her reactions are likely to be and you might learn from that?

Coco, sorry your last post confused me a little, does that mean he and you have talked about his current problems?  Age doesn't negate the need for a sounding board (or is that just a woman thing?) .
Postscript, thank you for understanding that.  My son will always be my child and loved with all my heart until one of us leaves here.  You're right about my DIL.  I've seen it, but stayed in the background and that seemed to work to my benefit.  He had the chance to make his own mistakes and I truly believe after some time he came to his senses.  Controlling doesn't last forever.

To answer your last paragraph, we have talked a little. I'm not an overbearing person so I don't push too much at once.  He's going through a hard time and I try to let him talk to me as "he" feels the need to - then I respond.  What I meant by your son being 17 years old, was simply that I handled things differently then.  I would have brought the subject up over starbucks (etc) and waited for him to start talking.  We still had the conversations, just in a different way.  I was much more proactive when he was in his teens.  I'm not perfect and have made alot of mistakes, but I am just happy he still see's me as someone who would give him my life. 

luise.volta

I don't suppose this would work because it takes some cooperation to set it up. But do any of you have Skype? I sit at my computer and talk over the phone and see the face of the person I'm calling on my monitor. That person has to accept the call or can choose to just not answer. There's just a bubbly sound not a ring.

My DIL held up her Skype unit to show me around her room and showed me their yard (Hawaii) out the window. I got to "meet" their little Love Bird that way, too. ..via Skype.

Also, regular phones and cells can be unplugged. So the time-of-birth call only needs to happen once. You could even program in a temporary message like: "thanks for thinking of me at the exact moment I was born, Mom...but we're all getting some much needed sleep."

I also know that when there is animosity, nothing works if just one person is trying. So my ideas on this may be pretty Pollyanna. Just sharing them "in case..."

My personal preference is to not use the phone. I never know if I will catch the other person at the right time. I know that others often don't catch me at the right time and I hesitate to say so. I love Voicemail and Email but that's just me.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Quote from: penstamen on February 04, 2010, 07:00:03 AM
Chickie, I know! Early morning is a lot different than late at night at someone else's house. I think you're OK. Now I text DS on his b-day first thing in the morning, and he can do with it as he wishes. He still seems to expect it and appreciate it, which is sweet. I rarely call for any reason, just don't want the fallout. I miss him.
Penstamen, this is a good idea and is what I would do with my son, but I always threw in a "please call me when you get a chance so I can say this in person." 

Luise's post is another great alternative!

Meryl

Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 03, 2010, 01:00:50 PM
I think alot of my DILs insecurity is cause from her Mom,the day they got married my DIL's mother walked her down the aisle.When the pastor ask who gives the bride away,she said my Mom.Her Mom and dad were divorced,and i felt so bad for her Dad.His face was blood red,and you could tell he was in a lot of pain.I think her mom instilled a fear in her about men.And to be honest,that didn't say a thing to me about her Dad,but sure said alot about her Mom!!!.........she must have really unloaded her problems on the children.And turned her daughter against her Dad.



I joined the forum to respond to this quote.  I also had just my Mom, not my Dad walk me down the aisle. I feel there is a lot of conjecture about this situation which may not be based in reality. My father left my family to have affairs with many women. My MOM stayed and raised my brother and me, both with somewhat severe illnesses. When my father was asked to help his reply to my mom was "You have a good head on your shoulders figure out what to do." And she did. She found resources and flew us out of state to two different renowned medical centers. My dad was too busy with the girlfriends. As far as I am concerned, I was already given away, along with the rest of my immediate family. Why should he have the honor of giving away his little girl? It would be meaningless for me. If he was that concerned he could have been around more during my childhood and not just for the big show.  My MOM deserved that honor.

I resent the thought that this "says a lot about her mom". My mother never said a word against my father. She didn't have to. I have eyes, ears and intelligence. When my father was dying she supported my brother and myself in whatever we had to do to live with ourselves. She even put on a spread for HIS relatives between the 2-4pm and 7-9p period  wake. She had them all to her own home.

There was no turning daughter against dad, instilling a fear of men, and unloading problems on her children. I found this conjecture upsetting and nasty. I am aware that I am personalizing this, but after 33 years of marriage the hurt is still there. If my mother in law thought this about me or my mom I would not talk to her either.

just2baccepted

Meryl, I wouldn't take it personally what the poster said.  Sometimes I felt that certain things personally as well.  But reality is that everyone's situation is different.  Maybe Mominwaiting's situation caused her to think this about the mom??  Who knows.  I don't think she was generalizing.  Hopefully you're not run off for for your comment.  Hopefully everyone can be understanding whether your a DIL or MIL.  Welcome to the site.

cocobars

Welcome Meryl!  I'm sorry you felt so personally about this, and I really hope you will understands that we all have differing experiences.  In this instance, we all appreciate your situation.  Your mother was exceptional and nobody will argue that.  Alot of what we do here in guess-work.  We may not always be right, however when left to "guess" this happens. 

Thank you for letting us know about your mother.  What a wonderful woman to be able to take all that on...

cremebrulee

Hi Meryl and welcome....

I'm certain, when I sound off about my DIL, it must sound like all DIL's and I honestly don't mean it that way....it's just that we get so mentally focused on what is going on with our own personal situations


just2baccepted

Quote from: cremebrulee on February 04, 2010, 11:11:28 AM
Hi Meryl and welcome....

I'm certain, when I sound off about my DIL, it must sound like all DIL's and I honestly don't mean it that way....it's just that we get so mentally focused on what is going on with our own personal situations

That makes perfect sense.  Thanks for saying it!!  I think we all can relate to this comments. Thanks.