My Story with my MIL

[2chickiebaby]

WOW...catching, that took courage.  I am such a wuss, I'd never be able to pull it off. 

For me, I am done with apologizing to anyone.  It makes me look weak and gets me nowhere with anyone.  Once a person spots weakness, they keep on. my apologizing only makes me look weak to them and also, they blame me for the original problem that I had nothing to do with

I'm grateful to find this out

[luise.volta]

How I see it is that you are not (were not) rotten and you know it. The one thing you had that so many of us don't is a husband who saw it clearly and was as sick of it as you were. I think that's often the missing link.

The other one that I can definitely relate to is confronting a bully. I am missing the gene. 

[Pen]

Me, too...I'll turn myself inside out to avoid confrontation. I now I'm not a good debater, can never stay focused, get turned all around. CU, you did what you had to do since your DH couldn't. You were clear and firm. Good for you!

[cocobars]

I dont need help with my MIL because she is" pushing up daisies" Believe you me how I wish she was still here so that I can answer her back.
You see I am older and wiser.
I promise you no one could possibly have had a more interferring  MIL than me.

She was a sergeant major in the army in WW11 and when her husband came into the room the children had to get up and say "good evening sir"
I was brought up in a home where I ran to greet and welcome my Dad home with a hug and kiss.

When we were dating my MIL did not want us to even have friends of our own age.
We had to rap with the wrinkles on week-ends.

I came in on the scene when my FIL divorced her.Bad timing.Her insecurity made her cling to her sons.

Her sons were tied to her apron strings and she seperated my BIL and his girlfriend when
she questioned why she phoned him to come home while visiting her.
Scheming DIL that I was, I lay in wait for the day we would get married and have my say.
After keeping quiet for 4 years that proved not too easy to do.

When we moved into our flat,which she had by the way chosen,--yes you guessed right too close by--She came in and measured the windows for curtains she had chosen.
Never mind the rest --the story goes on and on.

In all this I was never rude to her.I just simply kept quiet then  took it out on my husband.

After 3 years of marriage we bought our first house.I had to tell my husband not to call her and tell her because I would not live in a house that she had chosen.
She was livered after hearing that we he had not included her in the decision.

My husband and I were pen-friends and I came from a city 1600 km away so had no moral support from my own family.

I chose my own curtains in the house. Everyone liked them. Ofcourse she didn't and would not like anything else I did. Amazingly somehow she manipulated my husband to such an extent that he would not help me in the garden or allow me to do anything in the garden. She would come to our house with a plant then tell my husband where to plant it and he would just do it.

I thought well to h--- with you and tackled a part of the garden myself.
The next time she came to our house she complimented my son on the work he had done in the garden. He told her It was my handiwork. She turned round and said "What good has she ever done"

I could go on and on about the times I was stopped from doing things in my own home unless my husband had her approval and I was too young and stupid to realize he only wanted to please my MIL.

My husband told me  he wanted to paint the outside of the house. The next week-end we visited his mother and I will never forget this incident because this was the turning point. She said to him"By the way about that paint,there is a paint shop  blah blah blah.
I was livered and expressed my anger to a friend and I will always be grateful for her sound advise.
She said "No it is not your MIL fault it is yours, ypu are allowing it"

I picked up the phone--it was a Monday and hubby was at work and I said
"We have been married for 6 years and this is the last time you will ever make a decision concerning my household. This house will be painted this time next year and I will choose the paint and the colour" Not you, not your son ,or anyone else.
When hubby arrived back from work I told him what I had done.
He looked at me with a shocked look  then said"now that is the best thing you have done in the ten 10 years I have known you."

She used to walk into my home as if it was open for inspection. Treated me like one of her recruits in the army. It took years for that penny to drop.
"All tidy now she would say"

Slowly but surely I pulled that carpet out from under her. I made sure the floor was left grubby so that when she came to visit on a Sunday and made a commet I would just say"
"Sunday is a day of rest it can wait till tomorrow"

Once we had a kids party at a restaurant and the kids were all sitting at a long table away from us making a noise kids make and she raised those evil eyebrows at me that I had become so accustomed to. It was to say get them quiet.
I went over to that table and said"Now altogether guys, Why are we waiting ,Why are we waiting." She was livered. See tables turned. Rotten DIL me. She created me.

To this day I still remember the horrible things she said when I did not answer back and how I wish I had because when I did as in the above incident I just smile.Rotter that I am

Dear catchingup.

I believe you are a hero.  It's a good thing she's "pushing up daisies."  I believe her house would be purple by now if she wasn't, and I mean that in the warmest way! 

I always thought I was a strong person, but when an opportunity like that came up (and it did) I shrivled.  I might have been  livered, but I still couldn't say anything.  Most people take that as a sign of weakness, and I guess their right in a way.  When I hear stories like yours I realized how strong you have to be to stand up to a bully like that.

You are truly a hero.  I think your husband knows that!

I am going to be watching for you here! I enjoyed this story so much!  I hope you will keep coming here and writing... 

[renny97]

Wow. That IS a MIL-zilla! Phew. Almost hard to read.

Always easy to "say" what we'd do, but you held your head up high in a nightmare situation. You can know you had an honorary discharge.

I wish you and husband sweet blessings.

[Marilyn]

Catchingup,that is the worse MIL story i have ever heard.I am so proud of you!!!!!
She had to be making your life just miserable.

And i bet she had a hard time adjusting,to not calling all the shots too!!!

I hope you do come back and post some more,maybe we can learn to have more courage.

[cremebrulee]

personally, I think the woman is pushing your buttons on purpose...and she knows exactly what buttons to push.  Yes, she is your mil, however, that does not give her entitlement to treat you as she has been doing. 

when she insists on sitting in the back seat, let her do it, act as if it doesn't bother you...she wants to act like a smacked arse...let her do so, however, treat it as normal and give up the idea of trying to please her. 

The woman is manipulative and non caring about you or your feelings...

act as though nothing she does bothers you, and eventually, you will shrug off things that she does which are really little things, which makes her look like a fool....

don't care so much...it's your happiness that matters...and take over as the woman of the house...don't be afraid of her...she is a bully and bullies hate weakness....stand up to her...not in an angry way, just simply tell her like it is, and how it's going to be, and if she gets angry tough...she'll get over it...

foolish, foolish people...I swear....I have less and less tollerance for people like this...they refuse to see beyond themselves...they think they're feelings are all that matters....and to heck with anyone else's feelings.  I'm very very sorry your having to experience this, but your husband/bf is also going to have to work at this with y ou...and if he doesn't then, get him into counseling...as he must initiate boundaries and rules to his mother...

yanno, if men would stand up and be counted...instead of sticking they're heads in the sand, a whole lot of these messes could be resolved...a whole lot....

Hugs and sending my best
Creme

[renny97]

This thread got me to thinking, that the true "zillas", bullies, tyrants, that go to extremes, need to be "checked." Depending on how much one can tolerate abuse, is subject to each person. In other words, if left "unchecked" and no one speaks up--this can literally go on for years. It seems complicated, at first, because we don't want to unsurp our son's feelings. Later, almost when it too late, we realize, they should have responsibility in this, too--as C pointed out.

If there is gonna be a "fall-out," let it be. Better early, than wait til GC come along and used as pawns. Years can be wasted on denial. I felt that in my situation. It is time to give up sacrificing, and that includes one's self. As mothers, we some times forget we are people, too.

I think in the early stages, we feel like we HAVE to get along with son's g/f or DIL. Respect, is a 2-way street. Things/people change for good and bad. We have to go with it, as long as we don't allow others to attack.
If the civility is gone; that is usually the last straw.

[luise.volta]

Sometime the only way to "check" is to check out. Whether the person on the receiving end of this madness is a MIL or DIL. We try too hard and we try too long. Giving up isn't an option...(we think.)

But you're right we are people, too. We were people before we got into these messes and we can be people again after we pass on them and get on with our lives. 

[catchingup]

It took me a long time to check out where my MIL was concerned and because of the way she emotionally abused me I will not take the abuse my FDIL has decided to hand out. See post "I did not say this"
One can allow abuse for the husbands sake or sake of peace but  regret it later.
I will put myself before anyone else if I am abused and I sat my son down and told him I will not put up with abuse from your FIL's or future wife for your sake or the sake of peace.
Stamp it out where it starts,kill it and save my soul.
We become victims only if we allow it.

[cremebrulee]

This thread got me to thinking, that the true "zillas", bullies, tyrants, that go to extremes, need to be "checked." Depending on how much one can tolerate abuse, is subject to each person. In other words, if left "unchecked" and no one speaks up--this can literally go on for years. It seems complicated, at first, because we don't want to unsurp our son's feelings. Later, almost when it too late, we realize, they should have responsibility in this, too--as C pointed out.

If there is gonna be a "fall-out," let it be. Better early, than wait til GC come along and used as pawns. Years can be wasted on denial. I felt that in my situation. It is time to give up sacrificing, and that includes one's self. As mothers, we some times forget we are people, too.

I think in the early stages, we feel like we HAVE to get along with son's g/f or DIL. Respect, is a 2-way street. Things/people change for good and bad. We have to go with it, as long as we don't allow others to attack.
If the civility is gone; that is usually the last straw.

Your right Renny...
If I knew 12 years ago, that this was happening...that she was bullying me on purpose, to push my buttons, I would have given her a huge what for verbally right in front of my son....

and I will never, ever put up with her bull again...she is a mean and non-caring woman....and as I said once before, if she treats me the way she does, what the heck kind of life is my son living, not to mention, what the heck is Wrong with him? 
I would love, love, love her to try to treat me again, as she has done in the past, or even talk to me once, like she has in the past......beleive me, she's be in for one heck of a shock...here I was, trying trying trying so hard to please her....to overlook how she treated me...let me tell you, if anyone had ever treated me, or talked to me, like she has just once, that would be it...and I should have certainly stuck to my own personal institution...
However, she wanted it like this, otherwise, she would have never chanced being so mean spirited...

never again!

[cremebrulee]

It took me a long time to check out where my MIL was concerned and because of the way she emotionally abused me I will not take the abuse my FDIL has decided to hand out. See post "I did not say this"
One can allow abuse for the husbands sake or sake of peace but  regret it later.
I will put myself before anyone else if I am abused and I sat my son down and told him I will not put up with abuse from your FIL's or future wife for your sake or the sake of peace.
Stamp it out where it starts,kill it and save my soul.
We become victims only if we allow it.

Your absolutely right!!!!

[luise.volta]

That's interesting about choosing to be victims; it can be a perception. Like, "This person has me, all is lost.".

When I fractured my tibia in Nov. and had to have two huge screws put in surgically, my first reaction was that I was grounded...beached...disabled (a victim of circumstances) and needed someone to take care of me. I thought I would have to place Val in our nursing facility. Then, I thought..."I'm not sick...I'm just sitting down" (in a wheelchair)...and from that perception I was able to leave being a victim and become accountable.

[renny97]

Sometimes, a person (sitting or handicapped), can be "taller" than a person that is standing. The person standing, can be far more handicapped by mental cruelty.

I used to think there was some type of "nobility" in taking DIL's abuse. Imagine that. I was thinking more of my son's happiness and peace, rather than my own. There is a foolish mother's nature, than does more harm than good. I have had to re-program. I also used to think son was young and had his decision-making "swayed." Now, "I have learned" that he is fully capable of knowing what his decisions are. I can admit, to some "enabling" there.

It is okay to be angry (for awhile). Again, I was about keeping the peace. Peace, seemed to come in fleeting moments. I hung onto those. It was just "switch and bait."

It is similar to the grieving process. Some stages, lasting longer than others. Now, I am kinda looking at the whole big picture and trying to decide what I am supposed to have learned. I have always believed things--whatever those be--happen for a reason. Is this a "protection" from more heartbreak?

[luise.volta]

Well, it sure is true that "things happen." I think we sometimes supply the reason. (And I'm the rationalization queen of the Northwest!) There's probably good in everything, too, although I sometimes have trouble with that one. There certainly are lessons everywhere that we can choose to learn or ignore. For me, the ones I ignore come back to bite me.