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Just found out

Started by cremebrulee, February 03, 2010, 07:42:59 AM

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cocobars

February 04, 2010, 04:55:14 PM #30 Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 04:10:50 PM by cocobars
Quote removed.

Oh Renny, that's awful.  I think Creme hit it right on the head today on another thread when she explained that there was "NO ONE" there to back her up.  She (and I) have no husband's.  Something in me made my hair stand on end when I read that.  There is truth in her words.  It's sad, but it hit me hard...

cocobars

February 04, 2010, 05:24:07 PM #31 Last Edit: February 04, 2010, 05:35:27 PM by cocobars
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 04, 2010, 08:13:03 AM
Quote from: Sassy on February 04, 2010, 07:32:56 AM


I wonder, if there was somethings that I did while my son was growing up that he hates me for?  I just cannot seem to fathom that he does this...plus, he calls the step mother mom, the one who used to beat him up verbally and physically?????  I don't expect him to hate her, and I could even understand more if I were dead, but for him to gravitate more towards her, is very painful....

Honestly, I don't ever believe I'll get over this...I'm good for awhile, then something happens, and it tears ya up....

I don't know, I come into this website, wanting so badly to help others, help them understand, and give them advice, and I just don't feel like I should be doing that...I feel so weak now...so wrong and like a bad person...yanno? 

Thanks so much for your support....

Love
Creme
Creme, we are all with you!  I hope you understand.  We feel the same way or we wouldn't be here.  You can't let someone make you out to be a bad person, when you don't even know what you've done.  That's when it's their problem, it's about them - not you! 

I do believe this with all my heart and I've done that soul searching you're talking about.  You can't dwell on it though.  It's going to come up and bite you occasionally because you are so loving and caring.  You can't help that, but to let someone make you feel bad for nothing?  Please look in the mirror.  Look into your eyes and tell us what you see?  Only you know yourself and you can't let someone (with motives) tell you what kind of person you are.  You are the only one who knows your heart. 

I'm not very good with advice.  My wording gets in my way.  What I am good with is truth!  I may not say the right words, but I have a gift for truth.  And I believe I have seen your heart, and all it's good!

We all make mistakes as parents.  My name isn't "God" and it never will be.  From what you say about your son's old friends?  Call them and ask them what they see.

I hope you do...

I know alot of the time I sound corny.  I don't really care because it's truth to me.  You just can't knock the truth and nobody can take "truth" from you.  Creme, you are such a good woman and it doesn't take a "husband" for you to see that!  Get out that mirror please, and call your sons old friends for a drink and a dinner.

You need to hear this...

Barbie

Creme,
My heart goes out to you. I too found out about three months after the fact that DS, DIL and GD came to her parents' house last Easter and didn't stop by to see us, I was so hurt. I couldn't believe my son could do that to us, we didn't see our DS and GD for 6 months, then this past October he and GD came to spend a weekend with us, since then, things have been changing little by little. We can tell that he has missed us and is trying to make up for lost time. The three of them came to spend Thanksgiving with us, then again the day after Christmas and are coming this weekend to visit, also he asked me if in two weeks we can go and babysit our GD for the first time since she was born (1 1/2 yrs. ago) on Saturday. Our DIL still doesn't say much to us but at least it seems like DS is taking steps in the right direction. I don't want to get my hopes too high and it is nerve wrecking for me everytime we get together because I feel like we have to walk on eggshells.

2chickiebaby


cocobars

Hi guest1.  I've seen you reading, but this is the first post I've noticed, so welcome!  It's too bad we almost "hold our breath" around our children.  When you have such a special GC and all you want to do is go pour some love in their direction!  I hope all goes well this weekend and those egg-shells don't get caught up in your shoes for long.  I don't know whether to congratulate you or tell you to watch your step here.

I guess you will have to see that this weekend.  When you get back keep us posted.  There are alot of very large hearts here waiting for you.  Don't you forget that!

P.S.- we love good news too!

cremebrulee

Quote from: renny97 on February 04, 2010, 04:41:04 PM
Creme, I'll share a similar hurt. Within a week of first GC being born, I went over to their house and son said wife had gone to her mother's 40 miles away! (She knew I was on the way over). Meanwhile, I live about 10 miles away. Okay, this is odd.

I thought they might need some time to be alone with the baby and didn't want to be too pushy. So, each time I would go over the wife was packing up the baby and I barely got a chance to see the baby.

After several other attempts, I knew I was getting the runaround and told my mother (now deceased). She had son come over and told him I would like to see the baby. Son said he no idea (sigh) that it had got this bad. I was in tears. But thinking back, that is what we needed, a third party, (our family) to clear it up. My mother and son were very close. She was very aware of DIL and her family's tactics. I had an ally. She would confront the situation in a nonconfrontational way. She had a natural way with her grandson.

This guilt thing that in-laws induce even went to my mother. She was in tears and wondered if SHE had caused her grandson to be with someone who treated him poorly (her words). She was sad he didn't see his wife's  ways. So, it wasn't just a "mother thing."

She even said when younger that if she ever had grandkids she would keep them from her parents (she was mad at her father) and they would never see them. Well, it looks like that turned out to be me. But, simply that she could make a comment like that at all, was a red flag.

Oh the memories, uh? Oh Dear Son....

After I tell him about DIL's threats, I will be done with her family. What an insecure mess. Adults? He will come over or it won't be. He married, not me. He accepts terms of agreement. Me, not so much.

Sorry, for him it has gone so far.

Our kids can hurts us, without even trying.

Renny, hi and good moring.   ;D
Thanks for sharing...although very sad...I'm just really worried for you, I hope son really opens his eyes and doesn't estrange from you...

My mother (foster mother) knew about my DIL as well, and what she was doing.  Once, in 12 years, she agreed to allow my son, GD and her to come to a family dinner.  My DIL didn't speak to anyone....she is  so antisocial...aloof...others have said the same thing....especially some of my son's friends...
Anyway, my mother wanted so badly to talk to my son, but I refused to allow her to...I kept telling her, that all he'll do is make excuses for my DIL's behavior...and she'll end up being more upset....and she felt the same way as your mother...
She is gone also, and I miss her extremely...she was my confident and best friend...

Hugs to ya sista....

cremebrulee

Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 04:55:14 PM
Quote from: renny97 on February 04, 2010, 04:41:04 PM
Creme, I'll share a similar hurt. Within a week of first GC being born, I went over to their house and son said wife had gone to her mother's 40 miles away! (She knew I was on the way over). Meanwhile, I live about 10 miles away. Okay, this is odd.

I thought they might need some time to be alone with the baby and didn't want to be too pushy. So, each time I would go over the wife was packing up the baby and I barely got a chance to see the baby.

After several other attempts, I knew I was getting the runaround and told my mother (now deceased). She had son come over and told him I would like to see the baby. Son said he no idea (sigh) that it had got this bad. I was in tears. But thinking back, that is what we needed, a third party, (our family) to clear it up. My mother and son were very close. She was very aware of DIL and her family's tactics. I had an ally. She would confront the situation in a nonconfrontational way. She had a natural way with her grandson.

This guilt thing that in-laws induce even went to my mother. She was in tears and wondered if SHE had caused her grandson to be with someone who treated him poorly (her words). She was sad he didn't see his wife's  ways. So, it wasn't just a "mother thing."

She even said when younger that if she ever had grandkids she would keep them from her parents (she was mad at her father) and they would never see them. Well, it looks like that turned out to be me. But, simply that she could make a comment like that at all, was a red flag.

Oh the memories, uh? Oh Dear Son....

After I tell him about DIL's threats, I will be done with her family. What an insecure mess. Adults? He will come over or it won't be. He married, not me. He accepts terms of agreement. Me, not so much.

Sorry, for him it has gone so far.

Our kids can hurts us, without even trying.
Oh Renny, that's awful.  I think Creme hit it right on the head today on another thread when she explained that there was "NO ONE" there to back her up.  She (and I) have no husband's.  Something in me made my hair stand on end when I read that.  There is truth in her words.  It's sad, but it hit me hard...

yes, it's true coco, if I had had a husband, none of this would have happened, oh, she'd still be aloof and unkind, but subtley...b/c she wouldn't pull that stuff in front of my husband...she'd be afraid to...

also, my DIL doesn't want to work...she's proven that, she wants to be taken care of like some Princess...therefore, she won't start anything with my son's father, as there is an awful lot of money there to be inherited...she knew that when she married my son...she wants someone who thinks, they have to give her, her every whim, so she can get what she wants, and by the way, she coaches her daughter do plead and beg, saying, It's all I want dad...and he of course, gives in, which is his cross to bear.  I swear men are so stupid...


cremebrulee

Quote from: guest1 on February 04, 2010, 05:59:47 PM
Creme,
My heart goes out to you. I too found out about three months after the fact that DS, DIL and GD came to her parents' house last Easter and didn't stop by to see us, I was so hurt. I couldn't believe my son could do that to us, we didn't see our DS and GD for 6 months, then this past October he and GD came to spend a weekend with us, since then, things have been changing little by little. We can tell that he has missed us and is trying to make up for lost time. The three of them came to spend Thanksgiving with us, then again the day after Christmas and are coming this weekend to visit, also he asked me if in two weeks we can go and babysit our GD for the first time since she was born (1 1/2 yrs. ago) on Saturday. Our DIL still doesn't say much to us but at least it seems like DS is taking steps in the right direction. I don't want to get my hopes too high and it is nerve wrecking for me everytime we get together because I feel like we have to walk on eggshells.

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you as well....but doesn't it speak volumns about how fearful our sons are of they're wives...I mean, think about it...he is willing to break the bonds between us, and allow his wife to persuade him to not bring your Grand child to see you...I mean, can you imagine, how torn, depresssed and angry your son must be...talk about being caught in the middle...huh?  But to acutally be willing to do that, dictates to me, that his wife, your DIL, my DIL, must be very bad...meaning, she would be horrible to live with if he came around with GD.  And think about this...so so many people have told me that, a woman who keeps her Children from they're Grand parents are very brutally angry...hostile, and living with hate in her heart...can you imagine to hate that much?  They want to hurt us purposely, I mean, how hateful can you be to do that.  When I was down there visiting on my last trip...most DIL's would want you to spend time with they're child..not mine, she kept bugging me, every single time we got in the car...she wanted to sit in the back with my GD...and yanno, it wasn't just when we got in the car, but when we came back out from somewhere to go home...can you imagine being that territorial....that was the first time I saw my GD in over a year...?  I should have said, "actually, I paid to come down here to visit, and would like to be with GD as much as possible...can you allow me a little time with her?"...but I didn't, I gave in and left her sit in the back with GD....

These women are incredible?

Meryl


As far as my son is concerned, I don't know if your right...and the hurt is so deep....they were home together twice that I know of, in the past 4 years, and they didn't come by with GD....yes, I had cut them off, but my son knows me, and I wouldn't slam the door in his face...I don't know, if she knew I cut them off or not?  But, they never came around...





This part of your story I don't understand. You cut them off, but would expect your daughter in law to bring your grandchild over? Or was the cut off earlier and over. I'm sorry - I'm just trying to understand. I am sorry for your heartache.

cremebrulee

the cut off was earlier and over, and have been over for approx. 2 years...and during that cut off, she went to my son and asked, "Shall I call your mom?"  But she never did....she was simply pretending to be concerned to him....if she wanted to call me, she would have a long time ago...without having to ask his permission...to do so...I would have welcomed any call and any attempt to resolve this issue...

Meryl

Can you call her, just a brief hello, without getting into anything? I don't know your history - would you be able to reestablish contact? I really hope your family can be reconciled.



cremebrulee

Quote from: Meryl on February 05, 2010, 06:22:54 AM
Can you call her, just a brief hello, without getting into anything? I don't know your history - would you be able to reestablish contact? I really hope your family can be reconciled.

Thanks Meryl for the kind thoughts, but, 7 years ago, my DIL yelled at me on the phone, that I never call her, or, that when I call my son, I never ask to talk to her...Well, honestly, I didn't think she wanted me to, the way she treated me...so, I started calling her....and for years, I'd call and call, and left messages ( I don't believe in hanging up and not leaving a message) well, she has a cell phone, and not once, in 7 years, did she pick up the phone and answer it, or return my calls, unless I had said something to my son...then, she'd call me right back as soon as he said something to her....it was a game, and after all that has happened, even though your intentions are good, I have no desire to try anymore, I just have nothing left to give her....and if my son estranges me eventually, so be it...I will not be a victim any longer....or have her suck me dry emotionally....any longer...she has just to much to say, and she's been very rude and play acting when my son is or isn't within earshot.

Meryl

I'm sorry Creme Brulee - I hope that you are able to fill your life with other fulfilling things.

I do know as a younger woman I blamed my MIL for our relationship; I did grow up and realize I wanted something she was just not able to give. I realized I couldn't change her, I could only change me and my expectations. It wasn't her it was me. She was who she always was. I feel much better about her now and we enjoy a nice relationship.

I hope your DIL grows up too.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Meryl on February 05, 2010, 06:33:56 AM
I'm sorry Creme Brulee - I hope that you are able to fill your life with other fulfilling things.

I do know as a younger woman I blamed my MIL for our relationship; I did grow up and realize I wanted something she was just not able to give. I realized I couldn't change her, I could only change me and my expectations. It wasn't her it was me. She was who she always was. I feel much better about her now and we enjoy a nice relationship.

I hope your DIL grows up too.

It is women like you, who make it all worthwhile....the same thing happened with me and my MIL...she was a great woman....but I was young, immature and surely so unaware...I love her to this day...did she have faults, yes, of course...but so did I and still do...and we will forever make mistakes....

Love to you...and I mean that...thank you