Just found out

[cremebrulee]

Creme,

I have been thinking about your words.  I wish I could see you in person to comfort you, I think I could get my idea across better.  I once found out that an ex-boyfriend had cheated on me, while he and I were still together, with my (supposed) very good friend.  I found out 2 years after it happened.   It was the oddest feeling being upset over a guy I didn't even like (he was an ex for a reason).  And people the "friend" and I knew in common, thought I was unreasonable for choosing not to associate with "friend" anymore over such old news.   Over an old drunken party hook-up?.   "Get over it." He probably cheated on you with others anyway.    You have a history with her since then, friendship's more important.  It's not like you ended up with the guy anyway, blah blah.   Feeling betrayed at a part of your past you didn't even know you had, is baffling and strange!  You end up chiding yourself for feeling anything over the fools.

I feel like know the shock of your feelings.  The logical part of me is like, well, you haven't had a relationship with DIL in years.  It's not that she did something because of any reason (like you said, you're not a drunk, druggy) other than maintain the status of what was already going on.  She literally did nothing.   As she has been doing for 3 years, so why would this day be any different than the days before or since.  She can do nothing there or nothing here, it's the same. She's a cold petty fish in any town.  There is no love lost. 

And if we look at this in context, with such a cold fish, her usual saying and doing nothing...  may have even spared you worse pain.  Who knows what tall tales this woman was capable of stirring up from such a visit, without DS there (the weird baby rocking in the corner comes to mind).

Your son is out of the country.  For work and career.  He can't make his wife do what he would obviously like to do, if he was there to do it.  He can't make her do anything.   He was not there to have a visit with your grand daughter.  Creme, I think you can know 100% for sure that he would have brought your grand daughter by if he was there.  He loves you, he knows what's important to you, and he absolutely would not have come to your town without doing that.  Do you recognize that truth?  Inside the hurt, can you see that truth there?  I think that is where to focus.  The truth of an anguished but very real and authentic love.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak!

Sassy, what a profound post....thank you from my heart....

I want you to know, that you did right by cutting off your friend, no matter what any one says....there is or should be, a silent pac between women, that you don't mess with a girl friend's boyfriend, and you don't mess with anyone else's husband....It is one of the sneakiest things one can do, therefore, I could never trust that woman again, with anything....so, you surely didn't loose on those two....

As far as my son is concerned, I don't know if your right...and the hurt is so deep....they were home together twice that I know of, in the past 4 years, and they didn't come by with GD....yes, I had cut them off, but my son knows me, and I wouldn't slam the door in his face...I don't know, if she knew I cut them off or not?  But, they never came around...

I was thinking last night about how they went to counseling, right after the first two incidents...he said the counselor said, I did somethings wrong to..., I don't know what they were, except the part where I refused to eat the breakfast she put out....I was sick to my stomach and I never do eat breakfast, and he told her that...but, she put it out anyway, and I didn't eat it....but, they didn't tell the counselor, how horrible she treated me when he wasn't there....yanno?  Whenever he is around, she is so freakin sweet?  I would have loved to have gone to that counselor...he told me once, that when they first got married, she was so bad, he was going to book...meaning leave...he denied saying that, I didn't make it up...why did they go to counseling then?  And that one time when she was yelling at me on the phone, she said, "And we went to counseling b/c of you!!!"  Sheesh...no, they went to counseling b/c of her...

I just cannot imagine, how in the world, my son, my own flesh and blood, can simply reject me, to keep peace with her...?  I mean, I don't expect him to start world war III over me, but I do expect him to put down his foot and say, enough, you are not going to hurt my mother again...I'm taking DD to see her, come along if you want, or don't.  But we're going, and yanno what, she will come along, b/c that way she can control how long they stay, and after 45 minutes, say, are you ready? 

I wonder, if there was somethings that I did while my son was growing up that he hates me for?  I just cannot seem to fathom that he does this...plus, he calls the step mother mom, the one who used to beat him up verbally and physically??  I don't expect him to hate her, and I could even understand more if I were dead, but for him to gravitate more towards her, is very painful....

Honestly, I don't ever believe I'll get over this...I'm good for awhile, then something happens, and it tears ya up....

I don't know, I come into this website, wanting so badly to help others, help them understand, and give them advice, and I just don't feel like I should be doing that...I feel so weak now...so wrong and like a bad person...yanno? 

Thanks so much for your support....

Love
Creme

[cremebrulee]

coco, as always, sending you big hugs and thank yous

I can't speak with his father, they fear any connection with me, for fear, my DIL would find out and she would do the same thing to them....so, they stay away...not to mention, I am friends with his father, but his step mother is just like my DIL...very cruel woman...evil...she will do and say anything to hurt you....yanno, my girlfriend asked me once a long time ago..."Are you sure, those two aren't in this together?"  I wouldn't be surprised....however, my DIL has expressed to me, that she really doesn't care for my son's step mother on several occassions....

I think my son's father has a soft place in his heart for me...me, I love him like a brother, nothing more, and the same of him for me, however, his wife always was so jealous of me, and did all she could to start trouble....I remember once, right after they were married, they returned my son...and we sat there talking, her face got fire red, and my husband said after they left..."Mark my words, that woman is going to be trouble".  And men don't usually say things like that...well, man oh man was he right....

but my son calls her mom???

I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't ever feel jealous about it, more so, very very hurt....?  Makes me feel like I'm not or ever will be, good enough to be his mother.

[Sassy]

Creme,

You're a good, warm, loving person!  You did your best with your son, and by your son, and there's nothing more anyone can give than their best. 

You always give very good advice.  It's like take a penny, leave a penny.   We are having problems come to a head right now and I can't yet muster the strength to face it enough to write them out.  But when I do,  I am comforted knowing I'll get understanding, and insight from my virtual MILs.  Thank you for being you, Creme!

[just2baccepted]

Creme you really are a nice person.  I'm sure that you are dealing with a young woman who is insecure and jealous of you.  The only way to get on her good side is if she felt more important to you like you were beneath her or something.  I know I've seen this over and over in my life.  Insecure people can't stand people who are successful and happy.  It's a major threat to them.  And I'm talking about anyone, not just IL's. 

But I'm so sorry she didn't this to you.  But you know what?  I don't think I'd say a word about it or anyone who might tell DIL because if she knows this hurt you then that may make her feel more powerful etc..  Maybe she wants you to feel badly.  See maybe she doesn't feel threatened by the FIL because there's none of that female competition going on.  And then you're like, dang I just want to be freinds/family, I don't want some stupid competition going on!  That's exactly how I felt about my IL's but they apparently felt competitive with me instead for DH's affections.  DH has this really awesome aunt that I adore.  Everytime she sees me she smiles real big and hugs me real close and then starts asking me how I"ve been doing etc..  Just an awesome woman.  I can tell you I don't feel a drop of jealously or competion from this great lady.  She's interested in me and wants to know why I didn't come down last time they all got to together.  And DH said she asks about me everytime if I don't go.  My IL's on the other hand, it's like I don't even exist.  When we visit they talk to DH only and when DH talks to them on the phone, they NEVER ask about me.  When my dad passed they never acknowledged his death.  No words, no card, nothing.  And then to top it all of they are critical of my life choices and curl their lip up of anything I do that they don't approve of.   

.

[cocobars]

I can't speak with his father, they fear any connection with me, for fear, my DIL would find out and she would do the same thing to them....so, they stay away...not to mention, I am friends with his father, but his step mother is just like my DIL...very cruel woman...evil...she will do and say anything to hurt you....yanno, my girlfriend asked me once a long time ago..."Are you sure, those two aren't in this together?"  I wouldn't be surprised....however, my DIL has expressed to me, that she really doesn't care for my son's step mother on several occassions....

I think my son's father has a soft place in his heart for me...me, I love him like a brother, nothing more, and the same of him for me, however, his wife always was so jealous of me, and did all she could to start trouble....I remember once, right after they were married, they returned my son...and we sat there talking, her face got fire red, and my husband said after they left..."Mark my words, that woman is going to be trouble".  And men don't usually say things like that...well, man oh man was he right....

but my son calls her mom???

I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't ever feel jealous about it, more so, very very hurt....?  Makes me feel like I'm not or ever will be, good enough to be his mother.

Creme, your DIL has reason not to like her step-mother.  She obviously wants to be the only woman alive to your son.  She seems to have already studied you and found ways to hurt you deeply and keep you at bay.  I believe the step-mother will be next in line, even though they may share the same twisted mind.  Your son must call her mom, and most likely does at her insistance. 

I'm just sorry you are being so hurt by someone who you really loved so much and were so excited about.  That's sad in itself, that someone would be jealous or insecure about their husband's mother who feels that way toward them.  I hope you take care of you.  I'm sure you do, but I really hope you can understand what a wonderful mother you were and still are.  AND - I believe loved dearly by your son.  You just may not be aware how much.  You have a connection that can't be broken, like I stated before.  You are going to be his mother even after you leave him here!

[cremebrulee]

Hi there, and thanks so much for your kindness and input...I wish that worked...tried doing that for awhile, but DIL was intent on getting me out of they're lives...I believe sincerely she was pushing my buttons on purpose...and no, I won't say anything, I've vowed off of talking to my son about this years ago...when I tried to discuss things with him, he took it as if I were berating her, instead of her hurting my feelings, and would always excuse her actions, no matter what the situation...

I wish what you suggested would have worked...but, she would never allow me in they're lives....ever....

What I really think happened is, before they were married, my son and all his friends talked about me, b/c they were always at the house, and they had me in common....some of them still come around with they're kids now.  LOL

Immediately after they were married, she started getting really strange, and did really weird things...abnormal things...off the wall things...but when he was around, she acted very nice to me.  She even goes to church.  They took me to they're church last visit, and she printed off some information for me, from they're church, in front of him...but when he wasn't around, she'd snap at me, or not even talk...just to let me know I wasn't welcome, and me, I didn't get it?  I thought she was just moody...sheesh? 

But thanks so much for the idea....she has now, vowed off of me forever....I sent her a birthday card with a money gift, and she sent it back....this is the same woman, who asked my son, if she should call me....yeah right? 

She is such a good actress....

it's so frustrating....but yanno, I really don't care any more if she knows I'm hurt or not...
anyone who would do these things to another human being seriously has problems....

but your right, the time she got up and walked out of my apartment, and my son came back afterwards to talk to me, his father told me, he never knew anything happened, as she was literally walking around they're house humming...how sick is that?   

[cremebrulee]

cocobars
Creme, your DIL has reason not to like her step-mother.  She obviously wants to be the only woman alive to your son.  She seems to have already studied you and found ways to hurt you deeply and keep you at bay.  I believe the step-mother will be next in line, even though they may share the same twisted mind.  Your son must call her mom, and most likely does at her insistance. 

No , I think your wrong, b/c my son's father is always by her side...in other words, if I'd have had a husband with me, she would have not treated me like this..there would have been a witness...plus, if she started in on my son's step mother, she (the step mother) would go off on her...big time...plus, there is a huge inheritence coming from them someday, and I don't believe she'd bite off the hand that feeds her...you see, my son's father, and grand parents are very well to do...
However, ya never know?  My son's step mother can really push your buttons...she says the most insulting and hurtful things, my DIL is more quiet about it...much more sutble...unless there is no one else around....but I often thought, those two would really lock horns...however, b/c of the way she was with me, I'm thinking, she's definately walking on egg shells for my son's father's sake and will keep her mouth shut?  My son, also likes the idea of having a family, he has two stepbrothers and a step sister, they all have families now, and he enjoys that...I can't give him that....so, I guess he enjoys playing house with them...and the fact that my DIL pulls him in that direction....also, they always stay with his father when they do come home, and if my DIL started playing evil games with them, the entire family would go against her, as it is now, they tollerate her, I was told that none of them can stand being around her for more then 3 days...even the step mom....

[cocobars]

LOL!  Sounds like Peyton Place!!   

You may have an interesting future episode to see!  LOL!

[cocobars]

By the way Creme, I understand what you're seeing with them.  My daughter has the same "money" situation with her father (my ex).  And yes, it hurts...

[cremebrulee]

By the way Creme, I understand what you're seeing with them.  My daughter has the same "money" situation with her father (my ex).  And yes, it hurts...

Oh by God it does....but hey?  Whatcha gonna do

[cocobars]

Nothing you can do...  It's not a reflection of our mothering.  I've had three years to figure that out, and three years to let go and give up.  When my daughter is ready, she'll be back. 

I just don't think anyone, no matter who they are can take your children away from you.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think those ties are there for life. 

[cremebrulee]

Nothing you can do...  It's not a reflection of our mothering.  I've had three years to figure that out, and three years to let go and give up.  When my daughter is ready, she'll be back. 

I just don't think anyone, no matter who they are can take your children away from you.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think those ties are there for life.

Well, when she comes back, and she will, they say Daughters always do...I wish you the closest most loving relationship....ever!

[cocobars]

Thank you creme.  It was before.. 

Somehow I don't think you've seen the last of your son or GD.  Your DIL sounds absolutely nuts and there's only so much of that any many can live with...  I know you wouldn't wish divorce on them, but long term counselling?  You just never know and I know you're hurt beyond words and so frustrated.  Just try not to stop dreaming. 

[Sassy]

Coco
Thank you for the very nice words you've written!

[cocobars]

Sassy, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't so true.  You amaze me at the compassion you show us!  I find it hard to believe anyone would have a problem with you.  I could only wish my own DIL (or even SIL for that matter) was putting the effort into understanding that I have noticed from you!  You are truly amazing and we are lucky to have you on this site!

I'm such an airhead with words.  It's nice to see others who put them in such neat places, so that they don't come out all jumbled like mine are alot of the time!