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Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks

Started by nanjojan, October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM

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Pen

Welcome, BunnyMa. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read our Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members, just to make sure the site is a good fit.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Truth

Nan - my heart goes out to you.  What with your mother being ill and your daughter treating you so disrespectfully.  I know what it is like to not be included in a child's wedding, I was deemed unworthy to attend my only child's wedding (a daughter).  She was married in a Temple in SLC.  Although we were worthy enough for them to live with us, not once, not twice, but three times and assist them in purchasing their own home.  One of her reasons for the estrangement (she shared this with a friend of mine) is that I am bi-polar and so a danger to her children.  So been there, done that.  Even if I am bi-polar (which I am not) is that a reason for a AC to disown their parent?
Whatever our children's reasons are for how they treat us, I concur with what I have read here many times - we may never know the reasons why and it can drive us crazy trying to not only figure it out but fix it.  If one person in a relationship is not willing to come to the table to at least discuss things then IMO the relationship is doomed.
Cry, scream, vent, pound on a pillow; whatever helps you get through this very, very difficult, gutwrenching time.
HUGS

BunnyMa

Quote from: nanjojan on October 25, 2011, 08:36:18 PM... now my 2 sons are living in a 9 room house without either parent thanks to xh moving 30 minutes away with his nw. My os has cystic fibrosis and needs daily treatment and also has a drinking problem combine that with a 19 year old unsupervised and it is party time. I called my xh tonight but of course no answer. I left a message for him asking what his plans were about our sons since he left.

I think this was a mistake.  He's your X and it's really not your business what goes on in his house, who he has living there, what happens while they are there.  He owes you no explanations, does not need or want your approval, and his plans with his adult sons are his and their business, not yours.

I completely understand why you called him.  A drug dealer and a sick alcoholic both very young living without supervision in a large house all expenses paid partying without restraint is a terrible idea.  It's a disaster in the making.  But it's not your business.

I would be sick at the thought myself in your shoes.  And I would have to fight the impulse to call.  After all for 31 years you parented these children together, you both love them, you are still both their parents.  I understand that you were trying to be mature and responsible and to coparent.  But he isn't likely to see it that way.  He's likely to think you are trying to meddle and tell him what to do and were criticizing him.  He probably thought you were going to blame and accuse and try to guilt him.  And his new wife likely will tell him that you are having trouble getting over the divorce and are jealous.  And he'll believe her...because he wants to.

Some divorced parents can put aside their differences for their children's sake, I don't think you and your X can, at least not at this point.   :-\

Quote from: nanjojan on October 25, 2011, 08:36:18 PM... I also informed that I saw our D and she told me I had the personality disorder. I also told him that I saw my therapist what D said. I was cleared of any personality issues, just stress and depression due to all the insanity going on in my life thanks to uncaring people.

I also think this was a mistake too.  She's probably already told him she thinks you have a personality disorder.  He probably agrees because X's LOVE to think the worst of us and it'll make him feel smug and bonded with D.  I don't think he's probably interested in your well being or happiness and is not interested in discussing you or your concerns.  He probably won't believe that your therapist told you you didn't have one, or maybe doesn't even think you told your therapist.  More likely he doesn't care and just likes the idea of it, and that's his story and he's sticking to it.

I think also your D will not take it kindly that you are gossiping with her dad about her and what she said.  And she'll probably think you telling him what your therapist said is just a manipulative way of you telling her that she's wrong.  She doesn't think she's wrong.  She'll either think you're lying or your therapist doesn't know what's really going on with you. She may think you are trying to recruit her father to 'your side' against her and be both angry at the attempt and smug that it won't work.  And also, if your therapist is right, that means she's wrong, and you know she's not going to take that well.   :-[

I doubt either your X or your D care how much stress and depression you have in your life right now.  People like that think you deserve it, and if you'd only think and feel and be the way they think you should think and feel and be, you wouldn't have these problems; so it's your own fault.

I'm not saying I agree with that idea; it's a terrible thought, and very, very wrong.  But people like your X and D think that way, so it's best not to try to get help from them.  And the telling them that your problems were caused by the uncaring people in your life will seem manipulative and blaming to your D. 

I don't write this to tell you you are wrong and made a mistake, but maybe to help you think about it a different way so you will consider never calling your X again.  It's not the way it should be, but nothing good can come out of talking to him.  He's not on your side and he doesn't want your input and his wife will be upset that you 'can't let go' and are 'finding excuses to interact with him' and your Ds will think you are trying to manipulate them through him or make them or him feel sorry for you. 

At least for a very long time, please think long and hard before you call your X.  He's not your friend.

BunnyMa

Quote from: nanjojan on October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM
No one is standing up for me and finding out what the problem with me is. All I can think about is that I will not be there to put her veil on, to watch her walk down the aisle , to say her vows and have her first dance. Her new stepmom will. She will be in the front pew and light the mother candle. She will be announced as stepmother of the bride. She did not raise her and does not even know her that well.

This is so horrible and so sad and so cruel.  Your daughter says she will never regret not having you there, but she is wrong. She's going to hate herself one day for this, especially since she acknowledges you were a good mother.  One day she's going to find out parenting is not so easy and she's not a perfect mother either.  She's going to find out she does not have all the answers and sometimes there are no answers just two bad choices to choose from.  Someday she may find herself divorced.  And if she has children, she will eventually be at odds with them too. 

I can almost understand not having you there if she really REALLY believes you are personality disordered and disruptive that she wouldn't have you there.  Maybe.  But I cannot believe she'd let a stranger substitute for you.  That she'd want her brand spanking new step mother to put on her veil, that she'd let her 3 months old stepmother light the mother's candle.  If she didn't want you, then why not have her sister do it in your place?

I want to cry for you.  This is just a terrible thing, a cruel thing.  I've thought and thought and thought while I was at Church tonight doing the costume party for the children, why she'd do this.  And I think part of it is your X is saying if your mother comes, I won't, and she wants her father to walk her down the isle.  And she wants his approval (did she have trouble getting it growing up)? Maybe this is the way into his good graces?  Is your X bitter about the divorce or the money settlement? 

But it can't be all your X's fault.  He may say "I'll never go where that woman shows up" and making your children choose--but he's not insisting that your kids cut you off.  Your sons come to see you, so your daughters could too if they want.  They are choosing not to, and why?  They must really believe the borderline personality disorder thing.   Or you did something during the divorce that upset them a lot.  Maybe showed your weakness and vulnerability which made them feel weak and vulnerable and helps explain why they are now siding with him?  Or since your daughter keeps mentioning instability, did you having crying fits or angry tirades or say hurtful things to them out of what they would consider nowhere? 

Your daughter is just not thinking.  She's so going to regret leaving you out of the wedding.   I can't believe she's bad, just unhappy and confused and torn and angry.  What an awful way to start a marriage, it's almost a curse.   How much better it would be to invite everyone and let those who want to come, come, and if there's any problem with anyone not behaving, just have them quietly escorted out. 

I'm so sorry about this part.  I would give you a hundred hugs if I could.

Pooh

BunnyMa, first welcome.  I am asking that you take some time to read quite a few posts here to see what we strive for.  We are all open to various viewpoints and don't always agree, but we also do not badger a poster and pick apart every post.  That is counterproductive to being compassionate and understanding.  Trying to get a poster to go back and figure out everything they could have possibly done wrong does not help anyone move along in their life.

Nan, I hope everything is well with you and your Mother today.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

bdwell1904

Just thought I'd stop by Sunday came and went and my DD is married. Not a word from them. I cried too much, slept too much, and drank too much but I survived.
Nan- prayerfully in my thoughts this week.

Keys Girl

bdwell1904, I know I was relieved when the wedding day was over, congratulations on making it through and surviving.  Nan, hope you are doing well,

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pooh

I know it stinks bdwell, but like Keys said...you survived!  Now that is done and over you can move forward.  It truly was their loss.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Quote from: bdwell1904 on November 02, 2011, 08:20:42 AM
Just thought I'd stop by Sunday came and went and my DD is married. Not a word from them. I cried too much, slept too much, and drank too much but I survived.
Nan- prayerfully in my thoughts this week.

Big Hugs.  It'll get better
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

elizabeth

Hi bdwell,

Take heart, mend your nets and be ready for the next wave.

We are all here for you.


Nan, hows it going? I am still hoping and praying your DD sees the light.

Pen

Bdwell, you did survive & now the healing can begin. "Mend your nets.." I like that imagery, Liz.

Nanjojan, sending good thoughts your way. Take some time to nurture yourself :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

nanjojan

Hi everyone, much has gone on this week so I will first start with my mom. We had a death scare on Wed. in which all children were called to the hospital. My DDS were practically emotionaless and laughed, texted, talked about the Kardashians and of course , THE WEDDING! All while my DSS were crying and holding their grandmothers hands. I finally had to tell my DDS to stop talking so I could hear my mothers final words. The chaplain was called in to pray and after she left, my mother started to rouse up. My YS asked me to take a walk because he was so disgusted by his sisters lack of concern. When we came back to the room, my DDS were leaving and left without a hug or a kiss of comfort to me. My DD who is getting married tomorrow, looked back over her shoulder and said I love you. I said nothing as I was unsure of whom those words were meant for. There was no love shown to me by either D. My DSS were loving and kind and caring and cried over their grandmother.
Tonight was the rehearsal and the dinner and tomorrow at this time it will all be over. I will find myself thinking and wondering what is going on, when she is getting her hair done, getting her veil on and wondering what her father says to her before he walks her down the aisle. I wonder if anyone will think of me and wonder how she could do this without regret. I will wonder what her father will say when the pastor asks who gives this woman to this man...will he still say... her mother and I, will he say...her stepmother and I, will he say....I do. I will be so happy when tomorrow night comes and this ordeal is over. I wish I could drink myself into oblivian but can't since I am diabetic. I am happy that mom has come around, she is not out of danger but she is much better for that I am thankful. Thank you all for your well wishes. I just want to make it through the day.

lancaster lady

You know Nan I think you will be better off not attending this.wedding if that is the way you will be treated ! Who needs that ? If she truly ' loved you ' as she keeps saying , nothing would stop her asking you ! Perhaps her DF has issued his orders etc :......    I pray.for your DM , I hope her recovery continues , you will both need each other far more than youe DD seems to ......sending hugs .

Keys Girl

Nan, it doesn't matter what anyone says, actions speak louder than words.

I agree with LL, sounds to be like you will be better off not attending the wedding, and I wouldn't be in a big hurry to have anyone back at your mother's bedside who laughed, etc.etc.

Very disappointing but the red flags are on the field and there seem to be more and more coming from her as time goes by.  Take care of yourself , your mother and the people who treat you well and try to forget those that don't and give them the opportunity to treat others badly, because they will go looking for another target if you aren't quite so handy.

Only one more day to get through.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

nanjojan

Well the day is here. I received a phone at 6 am from my DM who is confused again today. I am frustrated with the doctors for not knowing what is causing this. Yesterday she was good, maybe today she is protecting herself somehow from not remembering it is her last grand daughters wedding to which she is not attending...not because she was not invited nor doesn't want too but because she was standing by side and disagreed with my daughters decision. I cannot wait for tomorrow to come.