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Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks

Started by nanjojan, October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM

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colleen01

Hi Nan, so sorry for all of this pain for you.  Ruth, I agree 150% with you regarding depression and the view others take.  I have suffered with this since my teens and have learned the hard way not to tell unsafe fam and others my business any longer.  I don't tell them about "therapy" which Nan, honestly consider having them think you are done with all of that.  It is not their business and they will just abuse you because of it.  I think everyone should go to counseling at some point, but I agree with you Ruth, that they "healthy" seek it.  It's a replay of mean girls, people, hs cliques,bullying.  The popular mean people don't show tears,which to them means "weakness".  To me this world is getting colder and colder, and the divide more clear.  Nan, they don't deserve to see your pain, and tears.  Please try to "fake it" when speaking with them, don't tell them you're depressed and going to an appt.  Honestly, make it seem you're done, and fine and don't need it. That's what I did with my fam, they know nothing about my meds, nothing about feeling down, they never will again.

nanjojan

Thank you again for your posts. I am at University of Penn with my Aunt waiting for news that my mother has finally been taken into surgery. My mom cried this morning. I have told my Aunt everything as she was one of the ones my daughter felt the need to tell about my supposed personality disorder! I have another appointment on Monday with the therapist but I do think you are correct Colleen in not saying anything to unsafe family members....it is a shame we cannot rely on them.

Pooh

I'm very glad you have someone with you there today.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Keys Girl

I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers today.

I do think it is best to keep just about everyone "out of the loop", as any information can and will be used against you.

If people are lying about you the phrase "what fools believe is no concern of mine" was taught to me when I was on the roasting spit some time ago.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Keys Girl

Quote from: Nana on October 26, 2011, 03:35:08 AM
Dear Keysgirl:

I, as Pen,  loved your post.   "Life after the wedding....whether we attend or not".....(awesome). 
BTW I love the song ""I'm still standing". 
Keep up posting, you make me laugh. 

Love you

Nan must have felt good with this post.  Thanks for being one of us.

Thank you, Nan, thank you for having me as one of us.  Love all of you too,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Kate123

Hello Nan, I feel very sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to figure these things out sometimes, but I know when I went through my divorce the same happened to me. I had only my mother as well ( who then passed away), and my X had a huge extended family- therein was the problem. Also there was some parent alienation going on from my X, which may be your problem too. It is hard to tell when the kids won't talk to you. I know it is heartbreaking right now but maybe at least on ot two of your children will come around for you in the near future. I hope so.

bdwell1904


Pen

Me too, my thoughts have been with you and your mom all day. I know you're busy; we'll be here when you have time to take a breath.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

elizabeth

Prayers going up from here Nanjo.

One day at a time: is all we have to get through, tomarrow isnt our business until it arrives.

I hope all is well with you and your mother today. Bless you both.

nanjojan

Hi Everyone, my mom came through the surgery but she is in ICU and is not herself. She is very confused which they say is normal. My oldest daughter came to the hospital and acted as if nothing was wrong. She did hug and kiss me and tell me she loved me. I have had a very rough day today knowing that my daughter will be married this time next week and also because I could not see my mom due to the bad weather here. I do thank you for all of your kind thoughts. I am so tired of crying.

lancaster lady

Dear Nan ..        you are allowed to cry , its your body release mechanisms kicking in to release all that pressure .You are facing a double whammy and you need some way to ease the pressure . Your Mom is over the first hurdle and she is facing.an uphill struggle but with you beside her she is going to be fine . As far as your DD goes , she will no doubt regret her decision  for the rest of her life , thats hers to live with . At the moment she  is so tied up with preparations her mind will be spinning , but  after her grand day she will have time to reflect and I'll bet regret .            Stay focused on  your Mom as she is precious , one day your DD will come to realise just how precious you are.  One day at a time Nan , my thoughts are with you and your Mom . Take care .

Keys Girl

Nan, first of all you don't know for sure that your daughter will be married next week.......who knows what can happen.......but either way.......it's not your wedding, but it is your mother.........focus on her and you and exclude everyone else on the planet who isn't helping you and her........one day at a time.......remember the movie "Castaway" with Tom Hanks where he said "I'm just going to keep breathing and see what the tide brings in"......Just keep breathing and cry if you want to.  That's why they invented kleenex.  Keep your lifejacket on and just see what the tide brings in.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

BunnyMa

I hope your mother is doing better.  Please update us.

I did a quick timeline to understand your story better.  Please let me know if I'm right.

You were married 31 years and have been divorced one year and have a 32 year old daughter.  I wonder if you married young and plunge immediately into parenthood?  I don't know if it means anything, but I know how hard that is (I did it).

You had 4 children. A married daughter, a son with Cystic Fibrosis and a drinking problem who needs medical treatment every day, a younger daughter who's about to get married, and an 18/19 year old who is a drug dealer.  From just these bare facts, it appears that there is some dysfunction in the family: divorce, estrangement, drinking problems and drug dealing.  Please don't think I'm being judgemental, I have all those except drug dealing in my family too, altho I know one of my sons smokes pot. 

You and your children were all close until the divorce.  It seems it was at that time that the change happened.  So what happened to cause the divorce?  It doesn't apparent to be the new stepmother, since your Xhusband didn't know her until apparently a month after the divorce ended.  It seems somehow your daughters blame you for the divorce.  Or if they don't, they are unhappy with how you behaved or reacted during the divorce.  I'm not saying it's true, I'm saying that might be the perception.

About the same time as you got divorced, your younger daughter got engaged, and shortly afterwards, maybe a couple weeks, your X met his new wife.  Suddenly it was thanksgiving and ALL four children chose to be with him (maybe to meet the new girlfriend?) and NONE chose to spend the day with you.

Did they spend any of the Thanksgiving weekend with you?  How did it come about, you said they told you on the phone.  Was it one phone call, or several one from each child?  Did they call you or you call them?  What excuse did they give?  You said you cried?  Did they know you cried?  Did they know you were upset?  I think this was a pivotal event because they didn't see you for Christmas.  You said you get along well with your sons, can you find out from them why they chose dad's and not yours?  If you do it without tears or blame, do you think they'd explain their reasoning to you.

Younger daughter had an engagement party given to her in February by your daughter's ILs? Were the the inlaws of your older daughter? Or the future inlaws of your younger daughter?  Have you had much interaction with the hosts of the engagement party?

I'm wondering what was the reason for excluding you.  Did they feel they had to choose between Dad and GF and you?  That it would be too awkward if you were there?  Is it possible that your X knew his GF more than a year and there was some overlap in your marriage and everyone else knows except you and they assume you know and they feel awkward about it?  Did the hosts have a problem with you, perhaps disapproved of something else you did? 

Frankly though because the kids all decided to skip Thanksgiving with you and then Xmas (did your sons spend Xmas with you?), it more sounds like it was your daughter who said, I don't want her invited.  But why?  It's got to be something during the divorce.  If you were close before and suddenly pulled away, it's got to be that.  Can you remember what the first time you had a clue that your DDs were not happy with you?

Then you went through spring and summer and didn't see the girls. In August your daughter had a wedding shower, and again you were left out.  Was there any contact during those months?  You said you sat your eldest daughter down and tried to talk to her but she denied everything.  You also said you asked her to go to counseling, one daughter said no, the other went to one session.  How did that session go?  Did the new stepmother go to the wedding shower?

About a month later, your X got remarried.  Which he has the right to do, and he was not obligated to tell you.  Nor were any of the kids.  But I'm surprised not one of the 4 did.  Why do you suppose that is?  Were your sons afraid of your reaction to the news maybe?  How would you have reacted? 

You said you found out by looking at your DD's Facebook.  Do you do that often?  Do they know?  Does she say anything about you on her FB, do you write anything?

BunnyMa

This is heartbreaking.

Quote from: nanjojan on October 23, 2011, 07:24:03 PMI gave her a box that was filled with small trinkets from my heart for her wedding day along with two gifts that are family heirlooms. She appeared to be pleased. Things were going extemely well until......it was time for them to leave. My daughter came over to me and hugged me and as we stood there hugging I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. I began crying and said to her, I do not know what I have done but I am sorry. She replied, just get help. I stepped back and asked what she said and she told me that she is sure that I have borderline personality disorder and this is why she is not inviting me to the wedding.

Of course, the problem was when you started crying.  I cry easily too.  I guess it upsets our kids more than we realize.  It makes them feel, per my therapist: helpless, guilt and then angry.  They feel it's manipulative because they think parents should not cry.  It's not until kids are in their 40's they can really see their parents as just plain humans; until then we are supposed to be bigger than life--not just in their childhood, but in their early adulthood.  It's how they figure out adulthood and parenthood, and if we seem weak, they get frightened that they have no 'leader' into adulthood--and then they get angry.  They can't see us as weak, so they see us as manipulative. 

I don't know that I understand that so much (are we told we have to treat our ACs as equal adults? but I guess not. We have to lead without appearing to be leading).    Anyway I wonder if some of that isn't your DD's reaction.  And maybe (I'm just guessing) it explains their migration to your X--he seems to know all the answers and seems sure of himself and seems to be a successful happy adult? 

BunnyMa

Quote from: nanjojan on October 23, 2011, 07:24:03 PMLast year at this time, 4 months post divorce, as I stated problems ensued over Thanksgiving. Hurtful things were said by my children and myself. It appears that because I cried and got upset that my daughter has held on to these things and is confident that I am suffering from this disorder. I have been in therapy for a year due to my depression over my childrens behavior. No one else is. My daughter refused to go with me. She said several other things and left in huff, stating that people were not coming to her wedding because of me. I asked her how did she think her disabled grandmother was going to attend a wedding 2 hours away if I did not take her. No reply.

She did tell me that I was a good mother but feels I am unstable to attend her wedding. I did ask if I had crashed her shower or tried to contact her in the past year, she said no, but still made the decision to not have me be a part of her day. Again she stated that she would not regret this. I am heartbroken.

I sort of see some of the problems here.  You said hurtful things.  I understand they did too, but from adult kids I'm sure they think they were just 'telling the truth' whereas you were being 'hurtful'.  Not fair, but not uncommon.  You know...that old "I talk a lot because I'm vivacious; you talk a lot because you are self impressed" thing.

She said other people were not coming to the wedding because of you: could that be Dad and new wife?  Did they make that ultimatum at the engagement party and wedding shower too? 

When you asked how her sick grandmother would get to the wedding without you, you misstepped; they surely thought you were trying to use guilt and manipulation. 

It's interesting that she said you were a good mother but [now] too unstable to attend her wedding; it points again that something very recent changed you from acceptable to unacceptable. 

I'm wondering if you didn't have a lot of trouble with the divorce and with perhaps finding out at the same time your son was dealing drugs, and if maybe you didn't lean a little too much on your children, or have a lot of trouble handling the divorce (which would be understandable if you were married 31 years AND had spent pretty much all your adult life as a wife and mother).  But maybe not understandable to ACs who haven't been married so long.