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Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks

Started by nanjojan, October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM

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bdwell1904

Quote from: Ruth on October 21, 2011, 08:06:33 AM
If circumstances do not place you in your rightful place at that wedding, then you are being protected and sheltered from harm.  You can get through this. 
Ruth- I am going to let this be close to my mind and heart. Thank you!
Quote from: lancaster lady on October 23, 2011, 11:46:10 PM
I know it will be heartbreaking not going, but I think it would be more upsetting to go . To be ignored and talked about if you did turn up .
LL- you know that would probably be it in a nutshell, seeing as how it is usually like that.

amflautist

Nanjojan, your actions during the past year show that you are one lovely, classy lady.  I admire your self control in not contacting your daughters about being left out of engagement parties and family holiday celebrations.  All the disappointments they have thrown at you are a measure of them, not you. 

Your daughter has chosen to exclude you from her wedding for reasons of her own.  It is all about her, not you.  There is absolutely nothing you could have done to induce her to include you.  Whatever happened last year is not a real reason for her actions.  She is just using those things as a excuse to throw in your face and absolve herself.

I join other WW here to send you love and strength.  Keep posting.  Love yourself.

P.S.  I agree with Pen.  So nice of her to throw all that in your face after she got the loot!


Doe

Quote from: nanjojan on October 23, 2011, 07:24:03 PM
She replied, just get help. I stepped back and asked what she said and she told me that she is sure that I have borderline personality disorder and this is why she is not inviting me to the wedding.

This girl sounds like she has full blow Adult Brat Disorder - no borderline about it!

amflautist

I've been doing some more thinking about this, Nan, and I've come to the conclusion that your ex and his new shiny wife aren't acting as adults.  I simply can't imagine why your ex isn't insisting that you deserve to be included.  And I doubly can't imagine why that new shiny isn't insisting that you MUST be there - that it isn't right for her to take your place. 

I expect adults to behave better than that.  That's the only way children learn - by our examples.  Your ex is not doing his job.


tryingmybest

Dear Nan,
I am just seething at the pain that has been inflicted on you by your daughter. I am usually not in favor of "the cut off", but I'll tell you what I'd do. Send her a lovely card, wish her the best for a wonderful life, but tell her you agree your relationship has become too painful for all involved and you intend to focus on yourself, ask her to please not contact you again until she is willing to enter family therapy with you. If she's not, that's it, game over.  And stick to it. She is getting something out of doing this to you, you need to cut of what ever sick reward she's enjoying. You deserve so much better.

amflautist

Yup, write the card that cuts her off.  Don't mention therapy because it will play into her hand.  Then --- ta da!  BURN THE CARD!  Yup, burn it.  You have now completely cut her off, but you have not given her the pleasure of knowing anything about it.  You are keeping her off balance. 

It's best that way.

tryingmybest

I just thought sending a card would give Nan some comfort and closure. It's such a painful situation my heart breaks for her.

amflautist

I too hope Nan can find some comfort and closure.  And I agree with writing a card.  But I also wouldn't want her DD to be able to find anything in the card that might fuel her hate or negativity at Nan.  That's why I suggested the burn. 

I also love the idea that we can cut off our kids without feeling the need to discuss it with them.  For me, when things reach that point, I'd just as soon keep the kid wondering.  I certainly hope my DS and DIL are still wondering why I'm no longer sending gifts, flowers, cards, etc. to DIL.

Nan, our hearts break for you.  Tell us all how we can help.

elizabeth

Hi Nan,

So much good advice and support for you here on WW!

I agree with Amflaut.

First it is very rude and odd that Ex husband and new  wife have not insisted you be present at the wedding. However I can see that the saying "Any rejection is God's protection" is probably what is happening for you because your daughter's actions are really bad.

I have found that "What goes around comes around".

It may take many many years but in my life, I would not want to have done to me what my daughter and x-husband and sw have done to me because I couldn't take the "comes around" part they have had to pay. Someday you may be in a position to pity them all. I am in such a position now. Although they have a lot of money, trips world wide, they are not well mentally nor physically and their attempts at happiness mask very guilty consciouses or no consciouses.

So in somethings find peace and solace, the book is not fully written, you will see things unfold.
In the days and months coming you will find strength from this group of WWomen and find yourself growing strong.  Unfortunately those who sadden you now will come forward in true colours and you may see that this is not such a surprise, you may recognize that all the signs of their current behavior was already there for a long time, you were just not seeing that at the time. THat's ok, its normal for wives and moms to see the ones we love with a little bit of the pink haze in front of us.

Blessings on all you do these weeks. I'll pray for you, the saints and angels at your side as you go forward!

nanjojan

Words cannot say how wonderful you all have been. I have read these responses to my mom. She said, so this has happened to others, then cried. I came home from taking mom to 3 doctor appointments today before her surgery on Thursday and found that dd left a message for my mom thanking her for the glasses and dishes and nothing for me. I called my therapist and told her what happened yesterday and I have an appointment tomorrow at 1:00. Thank you all...love , Nanjojan

hurting2011

Nan,
I'm so sorry things didn't work out. I was praying she would come around but she has been infected with the ugly bug. Her behavior is not just selfish but  terribly mean. I say remember the sweet girl she was and make plans as Pam suggested to treat yourself to a "me day". If she ever gets her head screwed back on, then maybe things will turn around.

So sorry again....

Debbie

sesamejane


Sassy

I don't have alot of time this morning to go deep, but I still wanted to pop by and say - Nanjo you did great.  You gave it your best shot, and that's all any of us got.  You were brave, you were dignified, and you did achieve something.  Not what you goal was, but I'm going to share two old rock and roll cliches that comfort me when I Go For It and end up with something else.  "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans," John Lennon.  "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need," Rolling Stones.

You didn't talk to your daughter for a year.  Now you did.  You had no idea where she was coming from.  Now, although it doesn't make much sense, you do know she's not quite angry, but more confused and afraid.  And you know those are her issues for her to deal with.  In her time.

I think it's interesting she told you she will have no regrets.  What a foolish young thing to think she can predict that.  I am hoping your DD is immature, and a bit naive.  Because that can change with time.  Perhaps that is why she showed you and your mother the photos.  Maybe that was her way of thinking she was including you.  From her it could be a small gesture of what she thought was kindness, rather than salt in a wound.   It was bitterweest.  I don't want to believe she was motivated by material greed, although I realize that could also explain her behavior.  I don't know if she has a history of material greed.    I can't blame her father, although I do think it evident she's unsure how to handle incorprating both her father and his new wife and you into her life, and took what seems to me the coward's move.

People give what they have to give.  With the wedding off the table soon, maybe it will begin to free up some energy to be able to work on having a new level of relationship with her, eventually.  Not what you used to have.    But maybe something else, some day.  I am so overwhelmingly impressed by what you did.  You took a risk, you opened your heart, and you went for it.  She didn't have more to give, and that's on her, not you.  You are the one who has no regrets.  What you did brought tears to my eyes.  You are an amazing woman.

Sassy

Quote from: Ruth
QuoteIf circumstances do not place you in your rightful place at that wedding, then you are being protected and sheltered from harm.  You can get through this. 

Yes!  Of course right now it doesn't feel like not going is the best thing for you, but I believe in a way that may never be revealed, it is.