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Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks

Started by nanjojan, October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM

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Doe

I think if I had a daughter like that, I wouldn't want to go to the wedding.    I think the wedding you want to go to is for a daughter who doesn't exist.

I understand!  I would love to have a close and loving relationship with my DIL, GB and DS with regular visits and lots of love and affection all round but I see now that it's not gonna happen with the personnel involved.  I hope you'll be able to realize that this daughter isn't worth dying a little each day.

Sassy

Hugs for you nanjo.  You have so much going on right now.  One at a time, each thing you mention has the potential for heartbreak.  All at once, it seems too much for one girl to bear.  But you are, and you're doing it with grace.  One gesture at a time.  Your mother is living such a blessed to have you and your love in her life.

Maybe I am a delusional optimist, but I have hope for this Sunday.  If you are around when DD comes to see your mom,  (not advising either way, but if you are there) me and everyone reading this is sending you love and energy to face it calmly, quietly and with total dignity.  Listen to DD.  Enjoy keeping your compusure.  Listen listen listen.  Tell her you miss her, and tell her you're so happy for her marriage, that she found love.    Since I think perhaps some sadness wires may have gotten crossed into blame wires in the past, I think a smart approach to optimize the liklihood of postive results would be try to keep the focus on her blessings and the good going on in her life right now.   Look for, find and tap into your happiness for her, and use that as the base for your thoughts and communication for her Sunday.    Let your face show your pride for her and the peace you have in her settling down with the right guy.   This could be an opportunity to show her you want to create a positive rapport.  I pray she can see your happiness for her would be such an addition to her wedding day. 

Even if you both wanted to, there's not enough time to discuss every past hurt before her wedding.  Plus, it's a time in her life where she wants to embrace joy, to be able to look back on the time as happy.   Weddings also bring an ache for family love. This is why I am a bit optimistic for Sunday.   Forget her father, forget her sister and brothers, even.  Make it about DD and her joy. 

I would suggest as a new boundary that could probably prevent some trouble going forward, don't talk about your ex or his wife (sorry about that stinger) to DD at all.   Comments about their dad is off limits from now on.  Especially this Sunday. One of DD's concerns may be how you would feel, or even act, seeing your ex's new wife there.   You can distract yourself by focusing on DD's experience and your mother, other guests, enough to be able to say to DD: They'll be like any other guests.

Makes me feel better not to look at facebook.  Less news is good news in my book.

If DD says or seems she wants an apology from Thanksgiving, perhaps consider giving one.  People are funny.  Especially adult children in their 20's.   They want to feel independent, like they're free to make their own choices. If they think they're expected to do something, they want to do the opposite. Next time DD or DS mention they're planning on spending her holiday a certain way, you'll tell her have a good holiday.  From now on, you are always going to make extra special plans for yourself on holidays, that no one can take away from you. Large or small or with charity or friends or work for double time to spend on something fun...you will have plans you've made.

If Sunday doesn't happen, if DD doesn't bring it up, or you don't see her, and for whatever reason you  still don't go to the wedding, then perhaps that is a blessing in disguise.   You are still tender in so many spots, because so much is going on at once.  Something like an ex remarrying can be taken in stride.  But when you're already feeling vulnerable and a bit helpless, it will hurt even more.   If you going to the wedding is not meant to be, see it as being for an unseen reason, such as to protect you from something else that day.   Focus on you and bringing the smallest the things you want for yourself and your life into your reality.  Whether it's a long walk or a macrobiotic cooking lesson.

Lots of love and energy for you, whatever way the path turns.

Ruth

Oh Sassy what a great message!   People would have to pay big $$$ to get a shrink to give that much really USEFUL information!   we are lucky sons of biscuits here on WW!!!

hurting2011

Sassy...I don't really know you but that post....I love it. All upbeat and so darn wise. That must be why you are a "wise woman"

Nanjojan hold on to that optimism and we know we are all praying for you and your daughter.

Keys Girl

Hi Nan, my heart goes out to you.

If I had a daughter like that, I would buy her a one way ticket to some place far, far away, and bake her a pan of brownies with a big slab of Ex-Lax in them, so she would have to run for that teeny tiny airplane bathroom every five minutes.

Your post says "The children called the shots and I cried"......they will keep doing that until you prevent them from doing so, that's when your crying will stop.

I agree with you, if other's are catering to her, they are just reinforcing her cruel and malicious behavior which I think has probably been inspired by your ex.  I think it's all about power and perhaps revenge (for divorcing your ex), who has the power to hurt you? and make themselves feel better because they can, in the process? the people who know you best.  It's nastier than the Gestapo, they tortured strangers.

My son is married now, I guess, we aren't in touch, I don't look at the bride's Facebook page, (ever), I'm not in the photos, it's been an incredibly difficult year, but I survived and now I'm thriving and the odds of my son ever being welcome in my home before I leave the planet are in low, low single digits at best........same with the future rug rats, he'll probably try to use them as a further type of emotional blackmail.   I could never have imagined feeling that way about him 2 years ago, but sometimes things don't turn out the way you expect.  It's hard.

I think you need to take very good care of yourself, find a spot, a river, canyon, some place where you can find some solace.  Nature has an incredibly healing force and if you can find some people close by who can give you a shoulder to cry on, even better.  I'm sending you mine via cyberspace.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

nanjojan

I just want to let everyone know that your responses have helped me more than any friend or family member. Maybe it is because they are trying to stay on my daughters good side. I appreciate all of the posts, they are optimistic, truthful and honest. I am so shocked that so many have gone through and are going through similar situations. I thought I was alone. My mother is facing high risk surgery one week from today and I just cannot believe that my d is aware of this and continues to behave in this manner. I spoke with my sons tonight and they went for their tuxes tonight. They will be so handsome and I will not be there to see them. I didn't cry today...so that is a good thing! Thank you all so  much and my thoughts are with everyone.

Nana

Dear Nan..>

You are so strong.  Yes, your sons will look so handsome.   We will be there for you on that day.   

Love you Nan
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Ruth

Its ok for you to cry, Nan, even howl if you need to.  I would print out Sassy's post if I were you and remember you are not in a loose loose.  If circumstances do not place you in your rightful place that that wedding, then you are being protected and sheltered from harm.  You can get through this. 

Pen

Thinking of you, Nan. Head held high, plans for a nurturing day in place, WWU in your pocket...(((hugs)))

I remember my counselor back in the day suggesting beating the heck out of a pillow with a tennis racket while yelling at full voice. It was supposed to unblock the hidden anger that was masquerading as sadness so we could feel our sorrow and rage and get on with life. I am going to find that old racket! Hey, maybe that's what "making a racket" really means?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

nanjojan

Well my daughter showed today with her fiance. In the first part of the visit it was awkward and just small talk. After an hour I asked if she wanted to look at some dishes and it eased the tension. The 3 of us along with my ailing mother looked through boxes of antique dishes. After they took what they wanted, I gave her a box that was filled with small trinkets from my heart for her wedding day along with two gifts that are family heirlooms. She appeared to be pleased. Things were going extemely well until......it was time for them to leave. My daughter came over to me and hugged me and as we stood there hugging I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. I began crying and said to her, I do not know what I have done but I am sorry. She replied, just get help. I stepped back and asked what she said and she told me that she is sure that I have borderline personality disorder and this is why she is not inviting me to the wedding.
Last year at this time, 4 months post divorce, as I stated problems ensued over Thanksgiving. Hurtful things were said by my children and myself. It appears that because I cried and got upset that my daughter has held on to these things and is confident that I am suffering from this disorder. I have been in therapy for a year due to my depression over my childrens behavior. No one else is. My daughter refused to go with me. She said several other things and left in huff, stating that people were not coming to her wedding because of me. I asked her how did she think her disabled grandmother was going to attend a wedding 2 hours away if I did not take her. No reply. She even showed my mother and I pictures of her in her wedding attire, centerpieces and wedding booklet. I thought for sure that after this , she was going to ask me to attend. Instead the visit ended with her telling me that she would never regret not having me there. After all it is her day and she has the right to be selfish. I cannot believe this is the little girl who was so loving and giving. She also told me that her father and his wife was going to be there so she did not want me there.
She did tell me that I was a good mother but feels I am unstable to attend her wedding. I did ask if I had crashed her shower or tried to contact her in the past year, she said no, but still made the decision to not have me be a part of her day. Again she stated that she would not regret this. I am heartbroken.

jill

Dear Nanjojan,
I am so sorry things did not go as you had hoped, I know it is hard to believe that these are the precious little girls we raised.   Any illness that she thinks you have is no reason to not invite you to her wedding.  One thing for sure, though, she definitely will regret not having her mother there. My prayers are with you..........Jill

lancaster lady

Dear Nan , what a selfish little girl she is !  Acting like rhe spoilt princess !  They must.have their day at all costs ! People are perhaps not going to her wedding because of her treatment of you , not because of you ! Dear Nan I know it will be heartbreaking nor going ,  but I think it would be more upsetting to go . To be ignored and talked about if you did.turn up . Is your mother going without.you ? She.didn't seemed concerned about her welfare . Let.bridezilla have her day , she has a whole.lifetime to regret her decision . Sending hearfelt hugs , we are with you .

twinsmom

Hello Nan:  My heart just aches for you!  We have all had similar experiences and I don't know that any of us has the answers.  Sometimes I think the pain just clouds our thinking, and then the guilt over what we could have done wrong takes over the rest of our thinking process.  Still we get nowhere.  I hope you will do as one of the other mothers suggested and first try calling your daughter to go to lunch, hold the tears at bay, and see if she will come around.  If not, send her a beautiful flower arrangement and let her know she is in your heart and thoughts as she walks down the aisle.     I have been five years separated from my daughter and two GDs.  I have tried everything you can think of and nothing works.  Her twin and I are on speaking terms but I feel the allegiance to her sister since she also doesn't want to be cut out.  If I could go back five years I would have showed up at my daughteers door and faced her instead of hiding in the house and crying all the time.  In my case I know what happened, I went thru a severe depression and lashed out at both daughters.  I tried apologizing a hundred times but they both backed away.  I think our kids see one parent as the strong one and when she falls down they keep their distance.  I don't know the answers and you may get none.  You will hurt the day she gets married, but I can't help but wonder how your daughter will feel when she finally realizes this new woman stood in mom's place.  You will make it thru the day and we will all be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

pam1

Keys Girl, bahahahahaha!  What a hoot LOL

I say give yourself a fabulous day.  Wait, scratch that, have a fabulous week.  Fancy wine, spa treatments, massages, order in or go out every night...whatever floats your boat.  Have a week for *you* to remember.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Unbelievable. Funny she didn't mention this before making off with the loot!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb