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second wife's DM = second rate to DH

Started by second wife, January 30, 2010, 07:04:31 am

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cocobars

February 05, 2010, 08:37:46 pm #30 Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 08:50:36 am by cocobars
Second wife, I have to agree with Scoop on this one!  The fact that he states even to a counsellor that he doesn't want to change is a real scary prospect.  Can you stay in counselling, or has he nixed that idea also?

If you can stay in there, it will give you the chance to reach him in time.  He just may need time.  He sounds very set in his ways and stubborn that you are just supposed to go along with what he has planned.  It may be an adjustment for him to understand that you are his new wife and he needs to consider you as much as he did his deceased wife. 

Anyway, we are here for you!  Don't you hesitate to come through and keep checking your post.  You will get other opinions and suggestions also! 

Take care!


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

February 06, 2010, 06:39:13 am #32 Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 06:47:34 am by cocobars
Quote from: luise.volta on February 05, 2010, 09:00:39 pm
Well. I, for one, am mad at him!

I agree with you Luise!  I just didn't want to say it "out-loud."  I honestly don't understand some of these men with second wives.  The women love them so much and aren't considered.  Most treated as you so well put it, like they're "invisible."  How awful to feel like you are overshadowed by a wife who is no longer here.  You would think the first wife would be remembered and her memory respected.  But secondwife should be just as important.

Makes my decision not to date even more reasonable sounding!  LOL!  I don't think I could live through another one like my husband anyway!  My parents said I wasn't the same "coco (insert my name)" when I came back and have never been the same since.  There is only so much the heart can take sometimes...

Second wife, you keep trying.  If not, then Scoop had a really good idea.  Let him do what he wants to do.  This is YOUR mother's day, and he should be respectful of that, just as you are of him.  Keep us posted and know we are thinking about you!

Pen

What an awkward situation. There's got to be a way to assure DH and his kids that you are not out to destroy all memory of the first wife, but also that you need to be treated as the wife now. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope DH wakes up soon and realizes he's got to put these relationships in their proper places.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

It all worked out for me because it was the family, not my husband, who took that position. He was really amazing and instantly gave me his 100% loyalty. I moved into "their house" and every drawer, closet, file and shelf was packed with stuff that I was unfamiliar with. His solution: sell, sort and move on!  ;D

I am "tolerated" after 20 years...that may be as good as it gets. Oh, well...we're just fine!!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Quote from: coco on January 30, 2010, 05:47:57 pm
Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.


I am absolutely fascinated by stories of living through a death experience.  Thanks for sharing the story, Chickie.  And Coco, I'm really ready to hear your story whenever you are ready to tell........and I'm so thankful you are here to share.
Hugs, Hope

catchingup

Quote from: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 05:47:57 pm
Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.


I would love to hear your story.

It is true that people rarely accept stories like this but they do happen.

I had an experiance. I was very worried about something concerning my health.

I had fallen asleep on a Saturday afternoon and I woke up but could not move. I was in a trance and I had a vision of the lord and he reached down and cupped his hand in mine.

It was not scary just awesome. I never speak about this unless I feel the need to. There must be a reason why I am doing so now.

I had a friend who was ill with lung cancer and I phoned her one day and said"I dont know why I have to tell you this" and related my experiance.
She wept and I just allowed her to cry. Somehow she needed reassurance that there was a God.

I have repeated this to very few people and never done so publically.

One other time I told someone this was to a Methodist minister (86 years old).
It was at a market. He was talking to me at my stall.
He turned around and walked away, without saying a word , to the stall opposite me and kept his back turned as if he wanted to hide from me.
My immediate reaction was "He thinks I am nuts"

I think he was on the verge of tears. He turned round and walked back to me and said"I cannot tell you what you have done for me today"

He died shortly afterwards.I think even ministers need reassurance.

Hope

Catchingup,
Coco is no longer with us so she will not be able to share her story.

catchingup


Hope

May 15, 2010, 10:19:14 pm #39 Last Edit: May 15, 2010, 10:44:48 pm by Hope
Oh, no - sorry I gave that impression.  She was removed from the site.  She can no longer post here.

Modified to add that Coco may still be visiting the forum but is no longer able to post. She was loved by many and her absence is noticable.  I still miss her.