How to communicate to your children that they need to help with holiday meals

[Scoop]

I totally understand taking the same words from my Mom and from my MIL in a totally different way. 

My Mom actually criticizes me more than my MIL does.  But I have 40 years of history with my Mom.  I *know*, deep in my soul, where she's coming from.  As for my MIL, I have 14 years of unpleasant history with her.  I'm pretty sure I know her motives too - and they're not loving.

It's a 2 way street too.  If my Mom crosses a line, I tell her and we resolve it and it's over.  If I call MIL on something, there are tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth, no resolution and a grudge is held.  It could be because no one has ever called her on anything before.

One more thing, if my Mom says something that bothers my DH, I tell her and ask her to stop.  And she does.  The reverse is not true. DH does not have an adult relationship with his P's.  He does not have the tools / experience / ability to draw a specific boundary and enforce it, gently at first and then increasingly strict.  So he has withdrawn from them, putting up a wall, instead of a boundary.  And that's why I don't take the blame anymore for how it is between them.  THEY have to negotiate their relationship and they ALL have to be willing to bend and be respectful to each other.  Since MIL can't respect any boundaries, she gets a wall.  Not my fault.  Not my problem.

[Doe]

"a wall instead of a boundary"...thanks for that - I never heard it put that way. 

[forever spring]

Neither have I, 'wall' sounds very threatening and final. History has taught us that this does not have to be so ... therefore I live in hope because at the moment I feel that family because of silent treatment is erecting a wall. I don't somehow think, I have deserved it but I must have done something in the past, unwittingly maybe, which has lead to this rift. It's painful. But as I said earlier, walls can crumble too. I hope so but I have to be patient.

[pam1]

Good point, Scoop.

My FOO is rarely critical although they are very direct speakers.  It could be b/c I'm so perfect and all that they are just struck speechless by me and have nothing to criticsize.  But I highly doubt that LOL

I do notice though when someone in my FOO has something to say it is taken seriously, while MIL talks and talks and is negative/critical most of her day and everyone ignores her. 

[Ruth]

Chelmsford, not necessarily have you 'done something in the past that led to this rift'.  People do what they do.  She always had, and has, the choice to choose peace and harmony for her family.  You hold an open door for you, you aren't the one holding the gun.

[alohomora]

LL - The problem here is my parents never tell DH if they disagree with something. In fact in all this time I can't remember one thing my parents have ever really said to me that was negative about my DH!

So with my side handling things in this way, its a whole other thing for MIL to come over and start in with her two cents. I could never imagine anyone in my FOO every going to my DH and telling him they didn't like XYZ. I would flip my lid if they did that to him.

Scoop was right on - for years DH really was the big problem here. MIL would make nasty comments or do nasty things and DH would sit there and do nothing. So I had to defend myself. And because I disliked her I did it with the worst approach's. It wasn't until DH began standing up for me and we had a cut off, that our relationship improved.

Right now we're getting a lot of flying monkey type relatives telling us that DH doesn't call his poor mother enough. DH really get's his back up on this one - he calls when he can. But he's not as involved as his siblings are - they talk to the IL's daily. DH is fine calling every other week. They don't understand this.

Over the last year I actually took a lot of pity on MIL b/c I thought this must be hard on her with her eldest living so far away, so I called her weekly and kept her updated on our lives. Well, I've come to find out from these same relatives that while its 'nice' that I call, she would like to talk to DH more to listen to his voice and make sure he's ok and its not the same.

So basically, I've gone out of my way for a year to be nice and keep her involved in our lives but apparently that's not good enough. Maybe I'm hormonal but my weekly calls have ended for now - she can wait for DH to call once a month when he remembers.

Oh, and just to add - I did ask her about this. I mentioned 'you know MIL, DH is extremely busy so he calls when he can (usually the same day every other week)' and she said 'oh I know but he never calls I never hear from you guys!!'
Me: MIl that's not true I call you every week and since we're on the topic you never call us yourself. We always call you.
MIL: Well you guys are always so busy I don't want to interfere.
Me: That doesn't make any sense - you are complaining you don't hear from us but you don't make the effort to call.
MIL: Well you know all the other boys always call me.
Me: Right. So you prefer if you receive the calls.
MIL: Well that's just how its done.

I'm just really annoyed. I feel like I wasted my time over this last year trying to include her and instead of getting appreciated for my efforts all I'm getting is complaints that it isn't DH calling every week, and relatives reporting back to us constantly that 'poor MIL never get's to talk to her eldest son.'

Sigh.

[pam1]

alohomora, take comfort in that you did try   It wasn't a waste of time b/c now you know.  If you hadn't tried you wouldn't have known and still might think there is something more you can do.

I know what you mean, I really can't even remember a time my parents have in anyway spoke of DH negatively or critically.  If anything, they are extraordinarily proud of him and sometimes I sense they like him more than me!  LOL 

So yes, it's quite a shocker and jaw dropper to come from that side to MIL wherein every move I make is scrutinized/analyzed, she needs to know why, constantly badgering DH to know, to change me...very exhausting.

And yes, I do think when there is a MIL issue that it is superficial.  Dig a little deeper and you'll find DH standing there looking around like what?  who me?  LOL  When there is an issue in the DS/MIL relationship it's my humble opinion that there is *nothing* a DIL can do.  Try to intefere (even well meaning) like calling and keeping them updated will never be enough b/c that just isn't what MIL is after.

Until DH and MIL fix their relationship on their own terms there isn't much I can do.  It's taking everything I have to sit back and let them deal with it themselves.  All this talk about I don't do this and I don't do that MIL has going on is a bunch of baloney.  No matter what *I* do it's going to be wrong, not right, not work b/c *I'm* not a part of the problem.

[Doe]

Aloho,

As crazy as your relationship seems with your MIL, you two are miles ahead of some people whose relatives don't communicate at all.  Just lower your expectations of the MIL - you know she's a bit of a dunce - so you can just expect illogical conversation with her from now on.  Hopefully, you can find some humor in the situation.

[lancaster lady]

alohomora :

I would welcome your weekly phone calls with updates .
I really want to bond with my DIL , despite her early treatment of me .
I know my own DS can be a pain in the butt ....I could shake him sometimes with his lack of sensitivity .
I know not to discuss my DIL with him , I learnt this from an early stage .
I don't think my DIL wants a relationship with me , and I have to learn to accept this  , my DS and I have
always been friends , where as we can discuss anything , I hoped things could have been the same
with his DW .
I really can't put my finger on why we just don't gel , I just feel I am on tenter hooks all the time with her
even though she lives with me . I have done my utmost to make her feel welcome , to have my DS tell
me  a few weeks ago she thinks I don't like her and we don't want her here .
I didn't say what he had told me , so not to embarrass her , but told her I loved having them
stay with us . Her birthday was last week , she was house sitting at her FOO , so I sent her a card and gift
voucher for her favourite store .
So I'll just have to accept what we have and hope it grows .
On the other hand my GD and I have bonded like glue ! Maybe she will think that well if my daughter loves
her she must be ok .....lol I live in hope ....

[forever spring]

I so know how you feel Lancaster Lady because I'm in the same situation. Are we making the mistake of ingratiating ourselves too much to our DIL, I sometimes wonder?
From previous posts I have seen that you are doing a lot for the family and it seems you are doing it gladly and without expecting much in return, just the feeling of a harmonious relationship with everybody. I don't mean harmonious in a romantic sort of way, just being able to be yourself and not walk on eggshells all the time. Am I right?

I have been away for 2 months now from this part of my family and I have only spoken to DS twice and have not heard anything at all from DIL. So we do not gel.  It really boils down to chemistry and there may be nothing we can do about it and no amount of giving an putting ourselves second will change that. It's just the luck of the draw. I have young women friends with babies and I sometimes wish one of them could have been my DIL.
I've just been unlucky in that respect, I think. But don't get me wrong, I've not given up hope, I know that everything in life can change so also this situation, I just don't think it will change by giving anything.

DS has made a few mistakes also but it is so much easier to communicate with him. I don't walk on eggshells with him but I do think that he probably sees me through her eyes as well. Never thought I could be in this kind of situation and I think I share this with many women from this forum.

Best of luck, hope your situation will improve,you seem such a nice lady and MIL (vouchers from her favourite shop for her birthday, does she know how good she has it?) I wonder why she feels that she is not wanted?

I have this theory which is not substantiated, just a hunch. The story lines of soap operas are full of conflicts between families, some of them really dire. Our children have grown up watching those on a regular basis, I sometimes wonder whether they want to replay these scenarios in their own lives and we have to be the unwilling participants in the plot. Just a thought.

[lancaster lady]

hi Chelmsford ,

Yes you are right ! I would love to be able to be myself , my DD gets mad at me and says why should you
change your whole persona just to accommodate her ? Believe me I try not to !
My DS has changed beyond all recognition , to the extent that my DD and him are no longer friends !
My DIL has had the princess treatment all her life , so she expects it from all her associates .I just don't
get her at all , nada !!
I think I will get the same treatment once they move out , in two weeks ! no contact whatsoever .
now how do we deal with this ? Let them contact us when they are ready ? ( Never ) !
Or keep sending texts (their mode of contact ) .
I would really like regular contact with my GD , perhaps once every two weeks ? they will be living an
hour away by road , so not far .
Do I wait for an invitation , or announce my visit ?
My sister has a GD nearly a year old from her DS ....what a difference in her relationship to mine .
She has her GD for two days a week , and can drop round any time she wants .
Earlier in our relationship , with my DIL , I mentioned this arrangement my DSister has , she said ....
I can't be that person !
Mt GD is 20 months , and I have babysat twice on my own , for just two hours !
I try not to take this personally , and that its just my DIL's way of parenting , but its hard .

As for tv soaps , no way , my DIL is glued to her laptop most of the day , and rarely watches tv .
So they are off in two weeks , although she has really moved out already , still not back yet !
I'll keep you posted of future developments ........

[forever spring]

It's so sad and I can share your pain.
I suddenly ask myself whether I'm a nice person at all - so far I thought I was and when I moved near them I was full of energy and willingness to muck in and do everything which would make their lives easier, all to no avail. I've done more damage than if I had stayed put in my job and my own environment with DH. Now I'm faced with issues which just didn't exist, (at least not in the open) before.
I sometimes wonder whether DS is happy in his relationship and if he is not, that would be worse. If he has changed and he manages his own family and has found a new family in her FOO I can live with that. I just don't want him to think he has made the wrong choice in his DW whose background is so different from ours.
As I said before I am really astonished that it has come to this because I always thought that I was an inclusive person who respected and accepted otherness. Well this test has taught me that there are limits to this attitude, that's sad because it is shaking up the whole way of how we (and I include DH in this) have organised our life. And it is close family who have brought about these doubts.
I would love to ask all my close friends what they think of me - honest. They may be holding back opinions that I didn't know about. See how insecure all this has made me. Is this the same with you?

To give an anecdotal  example: Yesterday my DH rang DS on his mobile. DS was eating with the DW who had come back to work. They spoke for a minute as DH did not want to disturb them. Now this was the end of it. In the past. DS would have rang back just for a little chat but none of that. I do understand that they are busy, but small gestures such as him ringing back would have made our day. DH didn't say anything but I know deep down inside he is disappointed as well.

Thanks for replying Lancaster Lady (I do like your WWU name, by the way). It is not the biggest problem one can have in the big scheme of things but it does hurt because we don't understand what all of this is about. To be so near your GD who you adore and not being able to see her is really heartbreaking, they are such wonderful people these babies and small children and they are part of us, not to see them is cruel.
Hope once your DS and DIL have moved out for good they will have a change of heart and include you more in their lives and in their daughter's life. Can't they see how small children benefit from the love of grandparents? You can't have enough love, can you and GP's love comes with no strings attached.
The sad thing is that in the future our DS and DIL will probably see their mistakes and regret them.
Your DS must really have changed if your DD does not want anything to do with him any more.
Thanks for sharing this.

[forever spring]

Just my 2 pence (UK) worth on how to contact them. I would just wait for them to contact you, it takes a lot of patience but then you would know that they really want you. Not sure whether it works in your case, so this is only MHO. 

[jdtm]

To be so near your GD who you adore and not being able to see her is really heartbreaking, they are such wonderful people these babies and small children and they are part of us,

I think this is part of our problem. We feel our grandchildren are a "part of us"; our children and their spouses (in many cases) do not.  They regard us as "outsiders" who need to "get a life" and should not be involved/interested in them or their children.  After all, they are not interested in us.  Sad, isn't it?

[Shelby]

I'm still amazed that she is unfriendly to you yet is living under your roof?  Accepting free living quarters yet not even being pleasant?   At least my DIL does not live with us!