How to communicate to your children that they need to help with holiday meals

[Keys Girl]

Ruth, I'm just catching up on your post.......you brought tears to my eyes, yup, yup, yup, totally hilarious....I'll be chuckling for the rest of the week.  If I had more money I'd get some t-shirts printed with the post, and we could wear them on Thanksgiving!!

[alohomora]

I realize some MIL's did the same as we are doing now - they paid their due with hosting. Frankly when my own mother got older and my eldest sisters started marrying, we began (and continue) to host all family events at our houses and my parents are invited guests who sometimes help and sometimes just show up with a bottle or two of wine.

But in my marriage, I do for my relatives and DH does for his. My IL's live far away but when they visit its on DH. He cleans the house, he cooks. In recent years my relationship has vastly improved with the IL's, and I am happy to assist when I can. But when things were sour between us, I didn't even want them in my house. And I certainly refused to lift a finger to host them.

Ugh. I remember one epic meal at my MIL's YEARS ago when things were getting really bad. I was a vegan for five years. MIL covered every single dish she served us the three days we flew out there to visit with meat juice. Even the carrots. 'for flavour.' She'd never done this before. As I ate my take out food out of a plastic container, with a disposable can of something or other to drink (food I'd walked to buy myself because the IL's wouldn't let us use one of their three vehicles to go buy), MIL turned to me and said 'Well, you two can do the dish's.' There were 12 people at the dinner and no dishwasher - and I was the only one who didn't even use a utensil (wood chopsticks). I got up and walked out of the house, and told DH (then BF) over my shoulder 'have fun.'

[Ruth]

Rose, you're still south of the Mason Dixon line, so we'll include you in the South!

[Pen]

Alohomora, your MIL sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry you were treated rudely and cruelly by her in the past; you say things are better now. I'm glad to hear it! What changed, if I may ask?

[forever spring]

Yes I'm interested too to hear what changed if you want to share because I still live in hope that things will improve with my family.

[lancaster lady]

That used to happen when we used to visit my DS before he was married .My DIL would sit and basically ignore us and my DS would run round making drinks etc .We were never invited for a meal . It made us feel very unwelcome and reluctant to visit ........come to think of it perhaps that was her intention.!

[pam1]

Wow LL, that's really awful.  I wonder if that was her  intention or was it lack of home training?  My DH is a very kind man but had absolutely no guidance in manners and hosting. 

I can relate to the MILs here who say it was important for them to be accepted by their in laws and they cooked/cleaned/helped out etc.  For me it is the same, whenever I went to their house I helped in some way, usually dishes.  It would be unnerving to me not to be a proper host  *especially* to my in laws.

I think sometimes these DILs may be doing it intentionally or perhaps they made a deal with their DH, I don't know.  It would seem odd to me to do that from the beginning when there weren't any problems though.

[lancaster lady]

My DIL changed completely after my GD came along .....the ' I want to be friends person ' became the ' keep away cold person ' she is today .Once she had cemented her relationship with my DS she didn't need to show any friendship  or warmth whatsoever !

[Pen]

Mine changed right after the wedding. LL, we've never been invited to dinner either in all these years. Once DS poured me a cup of coffee after we dropped them off and DH & I had a long drive home. That's it. DIL's FOO entertains all the time, so I know she understands the etiquette of hosting. She doesn't like us, and that's that.

[elizabeth]

My my my how things have changed! We used to just do the family meal thing at holidays or for visiting whether we 'liked' the inlaws or not.

Now we need to read a book or take a course on how to communicate with the DIL or SIL's to figure out what it is they want or don't want to do on holidays or visits.

So complicated, but not likely to change back to the good old days.
Or were they so good? I remember many not so good, but the alternative can be lonely.

Large family meals are common here in Southern Italy and are celebrated at least once a week,  on Sunday, and its normal to have them even more often than once aweek.

All members of a family get the children from school, get their haircuts, shop for each other, babysitting ( a word they dont even know, it means full time Nanny).

4 or 5 generations are frequently present at meals if still living. Aged grandmothers are expected to sit in nice dress in evenings where they will be visited by young family members and their friends and girlfriends. Quite often the TV is on but no one is watching, they are all busy talking.

[alohomora]

Alohomora, your MIL sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry you were treated rudely and cruelly by her in the past; you say things are better now. I'm glad to hear it! What changed, if I may ask?

Of course. Maybe at some point I should post a bit of my story in more detail it might be helpfull.

I've been with my (now) DH over a decade  - we met when we were 18. Things were not good with MIL from the go. DH is the golden son. Honestly any parents dream child. Good person, but on top of that attractive and smart, charismatic. He is also the oldest. MIL was used to yelling and getting her way with all members of her FOO. I was a spoiled, entitled 18 year old brat who was raised to never accept being treated poorly by anyone. So the combination didn't mix so well.

I could tell endless stories of poor treatment on both sides. Nothing ever decended into cursing, physical violence, or anything extreme. But we had harsh words, cut-offs, etc.

What changed was a death in my family. This story is very difficult for me to related so I won't go into detail but someone who was very close to me. MIL had been cut off for going on three years after the Thanksgiving Throwdown. At DBF request to do *something*, IL's sent a very very large basket of food to my family (they were across the country) and a sympathy note. A couple of months later when I was back home (had stayed with my family to help) I decided to call her and thank her.

Since then we've had one more epic battle (The China Cabinet Fiasco) and a couple of minor hiccups, mostly related to our wedding.

I think a few things happened. On my part I matured. Rapidly after the death in my family also. I decided to try again and start over. I let my anger at being treated poorly go, and had a long talk with DH about trying again with his parents. Luckily, MIL had had a lot of time to think about her end in all of this - and while her and I have never discussed what might have changed for her - she has since really made a MASSIVE effort to be friendly and even caring and considerate towards me. She also seemed to understand that DH would always put me first, because she stopped trying to force him to make impossible decisions where he had to choose me or his family.

[lancaster lady]

Elizabeth :

those are memories from my childhood days , all the family , plus extended family all one big HAPPY family .
Always a houseful of people , everyone helping plus all the children from every family .
What happened to those days ?  Think I will retire to Italy where family values remain precious .

[Ruth]

Alohoma I wish more often that these kinds of traumatic incidents you describe served to heal rifts and wipe slates clean, but sadly it so often doesn't.  I believe the MIL/DIL contempt is very very hard to get past.  From my own life, I admit it is.  It seems to be many layered and I find it to be the hardest score in my life to settle.  I despise her at times, and a shocking rage can rise up in me toward her at times, but even then I can still see things about her I admire.  I don't like loose ends in my life like this.  I hate contention and want closure and peace.  But I'm not able to achieve that with this person, the same as I can't with DS.  ......sigh

[alohomora]

It is difficult. My family is very open and direct to the point of insulting even sometimes, but we all love each other very much and our opinons are born out of concern. But when DH's family would say anything bordering on negative to us, it would get my back up right away and I would respond tenfold. At some point I recognized my huge double standard. I think MIL also recognized I wasn't *her* child and she needed to really do a better job of keeping her opinions in regards to our choices to herself more.

With our first child on its way, I am really on these forums reading as much as possible. I do not want to turn into a monster DIL, but I am also worried about MIL becoming hugely overbearing. Its not been causing me much stress as of yet, but at some point I know it will.

[lancaster lady]

Alohamora..........Do you get mad if your own DM voices her opinion of your choices ? I realise you are not your MIL's child, but your DH is her child .  This is where we MIL's get a raw deal with our DIL, whats ok for their DM is not ok for her DH 's DM . We don't stop becoming a parent when our DS gets married . I agree we can become overbearing but. usually because we have been shut out. Dont cast us aside we are still family and we care , given half the chance .