How to communicate to your children that they need to help with holiday meals

[Pen]

Alohomora, I understand what you're saying about hosting, cooking, decorating, cleaning, gifting, etc etc as a young working married person with kids because I did it! Many of us MILs have done it all along, that's why we're tired!

[cpr]

If you must have turkey, but don't want to fix it why not see if your DD will switch with you?  She can make the turkey and you can make desserts?  If that won't work then I say go with the other suggestion of making whatever you want.  My grandmother decided a few years ago that she didn't want to make the turkey and all the 'fixins' to go with it.  So she made two big pots of soups.  An Asian soup and a Mexican soup.  And you know what.  It was still Thanksgiving!  The world didn't stop.  Macy's still had that big parade on tv. And everyone was full!

Either way, do what you want and if they ask you about the turkey just tell them you just weren't up to it and this (what ever it is you end up bringing) is what you brought.

They'll get over it and get used to it.

[Ruth]

Hi GAL!  This is for you, hope it makes you laugh!  Wish all us wisewomen could spend thanksgiving together, just our own special day!   Here is my take on wisewomen having Thanksgiving dinner together. (Pen, if this is inappropriate please feel free to delete!  It is not serious! )   

"Oh!  Who cooked the turkey!  POOH cooked the turkey!   (Pen and Pam) 'Ladies lets bow our heads and take a moment to read the forum agreement.'   (Nana) 'I don't know...he just seems so wounded...'  (Pooh) 'I don't give a rat's butt, Nana!  ( Luise) 'You were a whole person before you cooked the turkey, Pooh, and you can be a whole person after.   (Doe) 'We should be strong enough as a group to talk about fixing a turkey!' (Chelmsford) 'Just like my Mum used to make.'   (Sassy) My you people amaze me with the complexities and nuances over the state of this poultry!  (Elsie) 'It's cooked, Rose, the sane thing to do is to eat it and follow  through, you do not have the power to resurrect it.'   (Rose)  'The bird gave itself for a higher purpose.'   (Scoop) The fair thing to do is to take the cost of the bird, divide by 12, factor in the interest and penalty, lets see..factor in the devaluation, figure in the extras...'  (Keys Girl)  'Is everyone ready to vote on next year?  GONNA SIT AND MOPE....??NOPEGONNA GET OUT THERE AND LIVE IT UP!!!YUP, YUP, YUP'    (Begonia) silently distributing her autographed copies of cookbook.  (Bdwell) 'Well I say lets get the party on!' (Lancaster Lady) ' step aside ladies, I'll have all this cleaned up in a jif!'  (GALfrombrooklyn) 'Vivendo!'

didn't mean to leave anyone out! 

[herbalescapes]

I am a little confused as to why your son's kids don't want to spend TG anywhere else but home, but they come to you for Xmas?  Your son's excuse for why everyone has to come to his house for TG seems a little lame.  I think you ought to have offered to show your son not your DIL how to roast a turkey. I know a lot of DILs get their teeth on edge when traditional gender roles are assumed.  But really, roasting a turkey these days is simple.  You defrost the bird, wash it off, take out the innards, put it in the pan, coat with a little butter or oil and let it cook til the little yellow plastic thing goes pop.  It's not like back in Norman Rockwell days where you had to baste the thing every 10 minutes.  Stuffing usually comes out of a box and you don't have to put it in the bird.  TG dinner is one of the easiest I think - nowadays! 

I'd say tell your own daughter if she doesn't want any waves, she should do the turkey and you'll do the desserts.  If you can afford to buy a turkey cooked at the grocery store, that's another modern option.  Or hey, how about cornflakes for everyone? Tell your son his options are he cooks the turkey (borrowing your roasting pan, or hey, maybe you could give him $2 to get an aluminum one at the grocery store) or you'll bring sandwiches/meatloaf/stew/whatever you find easiest.

You have every right to switch things up.  Especially at Christmas.  Probably your offspring are spoiled from you doing everything all these years and they have gotten complacent.  Just calmly announce the new role you want to play. 

I bet for all the MILs who complain about DILs/AC who won't take over holiday chores, we can find DILs complaining about MILs who refuse to let the next generation make any changes.  There was an Everyone Loves Raymond episode about that.  I know that's how I TO'd my inlaws - wanting to host TG when my parents and sister were coming in from out -of-state instead of dragging them to MILs. 

[Scoop]

RUTH!

The fair thing would be to divide the cost by 16. 

....

Not that I counted the names or anything.

...

[Pooh]

Maybe I am wrong, but I thought the OP said that the DS insisted it be at their house and that OP does the whole big shebang at her house on Christmas.  So we are asking her to be considerate and remember that DIL has probably had to clean, etc. but yet, they asked for it and she does the same thing and more on Christmas?  Or DS did which then DIL needs to thump him in the head and make him do all the cleaning if she doesn't want it there?  I don't get why if the same situation was reversed, we would be condemning the MIL, but yet now we have people condemning the MIL when she takes a stand?

Let's just say if I came in and said, "Ok, I'm a DIL and I host Christmas every year for my DH's entire family.  I do all the cooking, cleaning...everything.  I like doing it and MIL does Thanksgiving at her house.  Now, she says we have to come there because it's too hard on her to come here.  Me and DH have to cook the turkey every year, SIL does all the desserts and MIL makes the sides.  I'm very tired of having to do the turkey this year and I have lost my job, so financially, it will be hard for us to do.  When I told MIL that, she said that we will still be doing it as usual and will not change.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like since I do all the Christmas, and yes I want to, that MIL could at least do the turkey on Thanksgiving and I shouldn't be expected to do that too and take it to her house.  Just doing Christmas financially is going to be hard on me, but I'm still going to do it."

I'm just curious as to those that are feeling bad for the DIL in Gal's situation, what advice would you be giving the DIL if the situation was reversed?  Would we be saying, but MIL has to do all the housework, etc. to have everyone for Thanksgiving.  I know I would be telling the DIL the same thing I told Gal.  I wouldn't do it.  You host Christmas and are willing to travel to MIL's on Thanksgiving.  Tell her you will bring some sides that are portable, but the bird is too much and you are having financial problems.  Shame on MIL for not stepping up.

[Pooh]

Hi GAL!  This is for you, hope it makes you laugh!  Wish all us wisewomen could spend thanksgiving together, just our own special day!   Here is my take on wisewomen having Thanksgiving dinner together. (Pen, if this is inappropriate please feel free to delete!  It is not serious! )   

"Oh!  Who cooked the turkey!  POOH cooked the turkey!   (Pen and Pam) 'Ladies lets bow our heads and take a moment to read the forum agreement.'   (Nana) 'I don't know...he just seems so wounded...'  (Pooh) 'I don't give a rat's butt, Nana!  ( Luise) 'You were a whole person before you cooked the turkey, Pooh, and you can be a whole person after.   (Doe) 'We should be strong enough as a group to talk about fixing a turkey!' (Chelmsford) 'Just like my Mum used to make.'   (Sassy) My you people amaze me with the complexities and nuances over the state of this poultry!  (Elsie) 'It's cooked, Rose, the sane thing to do is to eat it and follow  through, you do not have the power to resurrect it.'   (Rose)  'The bird gave itself for a higher purpose.'   (Scoop) The fair thing to do is to take the cost of the bird, divide by 12, factor in the interest and penalty, lets see..factor in the devaluation, figure in the extras...'  (Keys Girl)  'Is everyone ready to vote on next year?  GONNA SIT AND MOPE....??NOPEGONNA GET OUT THERE AND LIVE IT UP!!!YUP, YUP, YUP'    (Begonia) silently distributing her autographed copies of cookbook.  (Bdwell) 'Well I say lets get the party on!' (Lancaster Lady) ' step aside ladies, I'll have all this cleaned up in a jif!'  (GALfrombrooklyn) 'Vivendo!'

didn't mean to leave anyone out!

Ok, I'm rolling here Ruth!  I even hated for the first time to edit out a not-so-appropriate word because it was hilarious!  Thanks.  I needed that laugh!

[Shelby]

I have re-read the posts and am still confused.  I'm a MIL so naturally I see things from the MIL perspective.  But here, GAL hosts Christmas and complains about having to go to DIL's for Tksgv.  Also complains about having to do all the work.  From my perspective, Tksgv shouldn't be a problem.   GAL is not doing all the work for Tksgv.  She is doing it all for Christmas, however. 

For Tksgv, as one DIL on this site said, the DIL and DS are cleaning and decorating the house, setting the table (no small chore in my house where none of the glasses match), etc.  Getting ready to host takes a full day of work.  They are also doing the sides, appetizers, I assume, condiments, etc.  Then washing all the dishes afterwards, putting furniture back where it should be, etc.  I get back to where turkeys are cheap at Tksgv, easy to cook, hard to transport.  Cook the turkey, get DS to come pick it up, and have a great time without doing all the work.

Maybe the real problem is Christmas, where you invite them all to a huge Italian meal.  If you want to do less work, why not suggest that Christmas be at your son's or daughter's?  And you'll bring a couple of your famous Italian dishes.  That is how you will truly reduce your work load.  Or if you really want Christmas at your house, tell them each to bring a dish or two.  If you get the house ready and cook a main dish like lasagna, then they can bring everything else and it will not be so expensive for you.   

I just am getting mixed messages - does GAL want less work or does she want to have Tksgv at her place?  She really can't have it both ways.  Having Tksgv at her place is MORE work, not less. 

In general, if a MIL wants both Tksgv and  Christmas at her place, maybe that MIL needs to let go some.   It's one thing to have both holidays at MIL's when AC are just married and living in tiny 1 BR apartment - but 10 years later, when they have children and a place big enough to host, the MILs probably need to let go some and let the DILs and DSs assume some responsibility and establish some of their own family traditions. 

[Pooh]

Shelby, maybe I am reading it wrong, but I took it that Gal's problem was not having to go to their house for Thanksgiving, but that they insisted it be at their house but yet she still has to cook the big stuff (turkey) every year and tote it there.  Also, that this is becoming a financial struggle this year too for her, so she was asking not that they change venue, but that could they switch around food and let her do the sides and them do the turkey and they refused?

That's what my take was on her OP, but I may be wrong.

[MoonChild]

I believe the original post was stating that MIL goes to DS and DIL's house for Thanksgiving and does the cooking because according to son, DIL doesn't know how to cook a turkey. GAL is frustrated because she is already doing all of the cooking AND hosting at Christmas. I believe that she is wondering why she cooks for both holidays and has to host one as well. GAL, is this correct?

On another note, I sometimes wonder if things get lost in translation from the conversation DS has with DIL to the point of DS communicating with his parents? This is a generally pondering, just wanted to know some of your thoughts, as it sometimes seems MILs take things their sons say as exact.

[lancaster lady]

HEY RUTH .........I love to party party ! Cant wait   ....my house or yours ?

[Pooh]

MoonChild that was my thought too.  Is DS really relaying what DIL has said, or his assumptions and wishes?

[Pooh]

HEY RUTH .........I love to party party ! Cant wait   ....my house or yours ?

Umm....if I'm doing the Turkey, then my house! Lol.  Now who's coming over to clean?

[pam1]

Haha Ruth! 

And yep, herbalescapes, I would have loved to host a holiday but MIL wouldn't and still hasn't given one up.  So this year is my turn regardless

[MoonChild]

Yes, Pooh. I am always wondering this, as i know FDH is terrible at relaying messages properly, he just doesn't think about exactly how he is wording something, and how a woman will interpert or try to analyze it. I know my wonderful FDH and I have had to have this conversation so that I could explain to him that the way he relays his messages sound as if they are coming as my opinion when in fact this was a joint opinion, but I think that sometimes they jsut don't want to upset their mothers (I cannot blame them for this) so it is easier to say, 'oh well MoonChild says we are doing x y and z.' Luckily for me, my FMIL knows how her son operates so she is able to understand what the REAL situation usually is.