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My Story

Started by Postscript, January 27, 2010, 09:04:53 PM

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2chickiebaby

Coco....you're darling!  We get you!  No explanation necessary.

cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 28, 2010, 07:09:06 AM
You never know if they're just shy or if they're getting set to come in later for the "herding away". 

But early on, when they were first dating as young guys, we had such great girls around here who they were dating that we had no need to talk to them about them.  We just adored all of them. 

I think I told you about the one who, at her wedding, said "the only wish I have is that you two were my inlaws."

She was darling......

I'm smiling, one can only wish for a DIL like her....well, ya never know
what tomorrow brings Chickie...

but, what I'm saying is, that parents, need to educate they're kids better, from little on up, of life experiences, and, that should be one of them....go teach our son's and daughters, what to look for in a mate....I mean, think about it, how many Daughter's marry very physically abusive men....or verbally abusive...it should be part of a child's education, to learn human behavior, the whys and why nots, and what is good and isn't good in child rearing, and how to identify an insecure person.....or how to observe people who come from an abusive home....they teach teachers what to look for...why not teach our children...I think and belive, it should be a very important part of child rearing....really and seriously.

anyway...

cocobars

I agree with that thought.  I would be afraid the buillies would use that knowledge though.  At least now, we can spot them...

That would be a nice thing to go over with your children as a parent.  Sort of forearming them for the life ahead.  What a nice thought... a positive thought!

Postscript

If I remember my teenage years and early twenties correctly, I didn't really believe my parents.  I remember my father telling me he knew how I felt, that he'd been a teenager too and thinking oh he couldn't possibly understand.

Of course now I know better.

What exactly do you mean by dysfunctional families? Children whose parents are divorced or just people with problems?

cocobars

Hi Postscript!

I'm happy your back!  I think what everyone means that talks about it, is people who come from family backgrounds where they have been hurt deeply.  Like being exposed to alcoholic parents, incest, rape, abuse in general.  I could be wrong, but that is what I think the women here are talking about when they use the word dysfunctional. 

I'm not real sure that anyone (at least in our age group) hasn't been exposed to some kind of abuse, as society now describes it.  So basically, I think in one form or another, we all came from some kind of dysfunctional background.  The good news?  I am hoping (but not sure yet) that with the progression of intelligence regarding these situations, we are more aware now than we were back "in the day."  What do you think?  What is your idea of dysfunctional?

I think I am from a dysfunctional family, simply because my parents didn't have the knowledge at hand that we do today.  By the same token, I agree with alot of what I was raised with...  I am "happy" I got those spankings when I was a child.  I learned humility from seeing the consequences of my own actions.  I believe everyone has different life experiences that make up their personalities now.  It's what makes us who we are! 

As a parent, I can tell you I've made huge mistakes!  As a human being, I say that I wasn't perfect and I did my best.  My "best" wasn't good enough for everyone. I have to forgive me, and keep trying.  If I don't do that, then I've lost...


Postscript

Hmm dysfunction, according to the pc world of today I came from a dysfunctional family, my parents divorced in an era when divorce was not the norm.  My parents also remarried and I inherited step siblings.  I don't consider it dysfunctional however, our patched together families worked.  Parents were able to function better as parents without the pressure of being married to each other, they became better as friends than they were as spouses.  According to the views of today, I was abused because I was expected to take responsibility for my siblings when my parents were not home, I got myself a job delivering papers at the age of 11 because my parents couldn't afford to "give" me an allowance so on and so forth.   I don't actually consider that abuse, I consider it teaching me self sufficiency and responsibility.

As I see it, no authority has the right to label a family as dysfunctional if it works, what they are saying is different to societies view of a conventional relationship/family group. 

If it doesn't work, then it becomes dysfunctional because it has ceased to function.  When it descends to abuse, and by that I mean real abuse physical or mental, then it becomes a matter for the authorities.

Children don't come with instructions and I don't think there is a right or wrong way to parent, it's our job to provide a secure environment for them to grow in.

I was also taught by my father, that parents are not forever.  I only expect to parent my children for a relatively short part of their lives, once they can function on their own in society, have surpassed the ages of legality etc, the relationship changes from parent/child to adult/adult.  That is where I am with my son at the moment.  Moving from parent/child to adult/adult. 

We all make mistakes, it's how we handle those mistakes that makes the difference according to my husband.  I agree with that too and it is a philosophy we have tried to pass down to the children. 

cocobars

January 28, 2010, 06:28:11 PM #21 Last Edit: January 28, 2010, 06:34:36 PM by cocobars
I absolutely agree with you.  By society's rules, most of us came from dysfunctional families.  I don't think you will find an argument in the whole bunch here!  LOL!  I believe you learned good things from your paper route at 11.  I had one around the same age tha I split with my brother.  I thought it was an adventure to wake up in the middle of the night and run around in the dark! 

I really think the word dysfunctional comes in when you are talking about the examples that are really abusive that children grow up with and are exposed to.  Seeing dad beating mom, verbal abuse, etc..  That's dysfunctional. 

Your are so right!  Children don't come with instructions.  As parents, we will (every one of us) make mistakes, because we are new at this little person thing!  No instructions!  HA!  So we stumble through and do the best things (we think) for our children.

I halfway agree with your father's teachings.  I believe we teach our children how to live in this society and have to let go.  I also know as a mother that releasing the love I have is not so easy if I can see my children (who I love with all my heart) are NOT being loved or are making some mistakes that are dangerous.

I am not an overbearing mother.  I release and watch.  But please don't hurt them and let me find out about it!  My son is 34.  He's still my baby.  I'm 55.  I'm still my DM and DF's baby.  Parents love and protect.  It's so hard to give up that protect part!  But we have to learn how to love and guide instead. I take a very honest approach.  It doesn't always work!  HA!  But I know if my children want the truth about something they always come to me. 

Not everyone is the same.  It's what makes us all unique! That's just how I feel...

Postscript

I don't think it's letting go of the love.  According to my father who is retired and lives a long way from me, I will be his little girl until the day he dies and he loves me unreservedly.  What he taught me is you let go of the parental relationship, I've no doubt you've done it. 

It starts with choices, at some point you stop telling your children what to wear etc, you have faith that the morals and lessons you gave them, will be observed if you are not around to enforce them.  You stop telling them what to do and start discussing their choices with them, then you begin only discussing the choices in life that they decide to discuss with you.  I haven't truly got to the part where they take a wife/husband yet but having done it, I know most of my choices are now discussed primarily with my husband and with my parents only as a general sort of discussion.  While I welcome my father's insights, I no longer feel bound by them and I know he doesn't expect me to follow his views to the letter.  We have some wonderful talks Dad and I, sometimes he alters my view, sometimes I alter his.  That is what I want with my children eventually.  A relationship of equality, that is what I am moving toward and aiming for.  But that is just my take on my role.

I discovered when my son was a baby, I was his world, but that only lasted for a very short amount of time, soon his world included his father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, my friends, a pre school teacher and other children.  His world grew and grew.  It didn't mean he didn't want or need me, but it meant he needed less of me.  I expect that to continue and I welcome it, because I know it means I am doing my job.

Maybe I am doing it wrong? I don't know, I only know I am parenting the best way I know how from the examples set for me.

Pen

I think dysfunctional families can include those that don't value family members as being integral parts of the unit or treat them as 'less than.' IMO, it doesn't have to be a loud or obviously hurtful exchange - mixed messages, withheld affection, no acknowledgement of each other's ideas or opinions, or an ongoing lack of meaningful communication can create dysfunction in a family and cause confusion, alienation and poor self image in a child.

Regarding letting go of our adult children, I think most of the MILs here understand that their days of direct parenting are over and we are not looking to smother anyone. We just want to be treated with kindness and respect; we want our hard work and effort recognized and valued occasionally. We don't want to be shoved in a corner and forgotten. We want to know our lives mean something to our families.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

January 29, 2010, 08:05:59 AM #24 Last Edit: January 29, 2010, 09:33:04 AM by cocobars
Postscript, it sounds to me like you are doing all you can!  There isn't a set way to do things that is "right."  Too bad huh! That would make life alot easier for us...  Everyone is different and families are different.  I agree with penstamen on dysfunction also.  I believe dysfunction has alot to do with treating family members as "less than."  Like they have no value and don't matter.  The "children are to be seen and not heard" attitude.  It affects that child's outlook on others AND their view of themself.   It creates insecurities which leads to fears and jealousy and just a world of problems...

Penstamen, I agree with your take on letting go of our grown children also.  I'm not that good with my wording, but I do know that as a MIL I would like to be treated kindly by my DIL, so I try to treat her as considerately as possible.  Of course, I have to struggle to do that sometimes and I have slipped.  I allow myself to make those "slips" though.  We all make mistakes.  If I can make a mistake, then she should be able to do that too.

I think the only problem I can see with my DIL, is that she wants me to sit in a corner and not say anything (which I have done).  I'm treated like furniture.  I believe that says alot about her background.  She may have been treated that way growing up, so she thinks it's normal to ignore people when you "grow up."  She doesn't know it's a problem.  I can't talk, unless I'm talking to her (she is all important).  If I ask my son a question, she answers...  I hadn't had a conversation "with him" for over a year, until he left her and moved in with me.  She didn't even know she was doing that.  I talked to my son about it and he didn't really say anything, but he did get that deer in the headlights look.  From what I can remember of his own personality, that means he noticed it too, or maybe she does it with him too?

I think my DIL is very manipulative and controlling (would never say that openly though).  She will not let me talk about my son or to him.  I think she's afraid of our relationship.  Am I wrong?

He went to court last year and I showed up to be "support."  Afterwards, she was talking to his attorney and I asked a question (directly to his attorney).  She answered FOR the attorney.  I asked another, she answered again.  I finally said my goodbyes and went home.  My SIL was with me and she was livid!  I was too, but she was absolutely blowing the top of her head off!  I know this is mean, but I'm secretly sort of happy they separated.  I can talk to my son now.  Ask him a question and get HIS answer.

Nuff said, I could go on and on.  Some DIL's just don't think we are human.  I turned into a chair with a mouth when he married her.  I'm not going to try to come between them, because I'm afraid he might find another one just like her - or (God forbid) worse!  She has three children by another marriage.  One is a son and you what what I believe about karma and time.  Time has that way of making you look at the other side.  I don't worry about it too much.  It gets to me sometimes and I vent.  Then it's over...


Postscript

Quote from: penstamen on January 28, 2010, 10:10:22 PM
I think dysfunctional families can include those that don't value family members as being integral parts of the unit or treat them as 'less than.' IMO, it doesn't have to be a loud or obviously hurtful exchange - mixed messages, withheld affection, no acknowledgement of each other's ideas or opinions, or an ongoing lack of meaningful communication can create dysfunction in a family and cause confusion, alienation and poor self image in a child.

Regarding letting go of our adult children, I think most of the MILs here understand that their days of direct parenting are over and we are not looking to smother anyone. We just want to be treated with kindness and respect; we want our hard work and effort recognized and valued occasionally. We don't want to be shoved in a corner and forgotten. We want to know our lives mean something to our families.

Just to be clear, I was explaining to Cocobars my parenting philosophy not accusing anyone of anything. 

Coco your dil does sound controlling.  To a certain extent I can understand answering on behalf of my husband, for example with regard to the children, he never remembered illnesses etc and that is because I generally was the one to keep track of such things so I would generally answer those types of questions.  But the examples you are giving show she's really pushing herself to the forefront.

I wish all people came with a manual of instructions that outlined their expectations and needs, life would be a lot easier and you would always know where you stood.


cocobars

Hi Postscript!

I didn't read anything into your explanation, and really, from Penstamens reply I don't think she took it that way.  She pointed out that we had left some things out.  She was right.  I replied to her post after that thanking her.  That's exactly the thing though.  There is no manual.  Everybody is different.  We all have to stumble through be a parent. 

LOL!  I try not to say things about my DIL, but sometimes I have to.  Thank God I get it off my chest and keep going though.

The manual thing.
  Everyone has a different way of speaking.  I understand your wording.  That you want to be clear.  I know where you are coming from, but you word things differently and other women here may not see that. 

I know what Penstamen said and understand what she was saying.  She worded it in a way that wasn't clear to your way of wording, so you may think the same way.

We are meeting in the middle with so many people.  It took me a bit to get used to not thinking someone here was upset at something I had said.  Sometimes I'm still afraid my wording will upset someone.  Hang in Postscript.  Hold on.  You're in for a wonderful ride here.  It takes time, but nobody will judge you.  They may ask you to clarify, but I can assure you they are not judging you.  You are in the same place we are.  Actually you are heading into it.

We all know that.  It takes time to feel comfortable.  When you do, you will see what I mean.

You are a wonderful mom or you wouldn't be here.  You are here because you don't want to repeat the actions you have seen from your MIL.  You should talk to invisible.  She has a DIL that talks to her in horrible ways, just like your MIL.  That is what is dysfunctional.  Someone trying to make you feel "less than." 

Nobody deserves it.  You won't get that here.  You can let your guard down and have fun with us.  Let us all get to know you!

Postscript

Coco I just wanted everyone to know I wasn't being accusatory at all, my wording is different probably because I am not from America.

cocobars

January 29, 2010, 06:03:13 PM #28 Last Edit: January 29, 2010, 06:12:51 PM by cocobars
Thank you Postscript.  I didn't want to upset you either.  I really understand the difference.  It seemed you were upset.

See how easily this happens?  I'm sorry Postscript.  I may have misread as well.  Maybe getting to know people and trust them is a problem for me.  I think your heart is in the right place and I agree with what you have been saying.

If you are from another country, then that explains the difference in words.  Your explanation of that creates understanding.  I can assure you that you are welcome here.  Again, I'm sorry I misread your post.  It wasn't my intention to upset you and not being from America isn't shameful (by the way).  None of our ancesters and many of us are not from here either.  Please don't feel sensitive about that...

luise.volta

I run into the issue of coming from different countries all of the time on my counseling website. Not only are our phrases and points of reference often very different but for many of the people who ask me questions, English is a second language. We have to tip-toe around sometimes, trying to communicate effectively.

Trust is needed and that's hard with strangers and sometimes unwarranted. Some of us are more thin-skinned than others, some exhibit humor that isn't funny to one and all. It can be a sticky-wicket but if we want to be supported and supportive badly enough...we can work around the mine-field.

How I love it that we are all trying. :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama