I guess I have really goofed now

[Heartstrings]

Hi all,
I hope it's OK for a FIL to post in here. However if anyone knows of a FIL forum, I could do that instead.

Shortly after our first grandson was born, my DIL started refusing to let me hold our grandson. On a few occasions she flatly refused, but mostly, she would stand there watching me like a hawk, then after a couple minutes, grabbing him back. On one occasion, she told me "you won't give him back". This happend at church mostly; the only time we could see him. She had no problem having us keep him for her for a week while she worked.
When I told my son about this, he said I was lying. That really hurt.
He firmly maintained that I was lying until later, he admitted she was doing it, but then defended her actions. Now they hasve moved away and we are lucky to get to see him once a month.
More later........

[RedRose]

Sounds like your dil doesn't care who she hurts and your son is just going along with her...just like a lot of our dil's (not all).

Welcome Heartstrings!

[Scoop]

Oh Heartstrings!  I wish that new moms came with a warning.  When you have a new baby, you have everyone (and the internet) giving you advice, AND your hormones are ALL over the place.   Especially if you're nursing.  If you're nursing the baby, you have a hormonal attachment too, on top of the typical "I-love-my-baby-so-much" feelings.

Honestly, when DD was just born, my Mom was making supper and she sprayed a pan with PAM, and I had such a strong reaction to that "pshht" sound.  The 'cave woman' in me shouted "DANGER!  POISON!"

Also, when DD cried, if DH was holding her I would react and say "what did you do to her?" quite harshly.  I did apologize later and explained to him that it was a hormonal reaction.  And really, that was my HUSBAND, her father.

I hope it's not too late for you and your son and DIL.  Please do not take this personally because it's not about YOU, it's about her and her strong 'new mom' feelings.  She will get over those, but she might not get over an argument with you over something that she is COMPELLED to do.

PScoop

[luise.volta]

Welcome to MILU.com...we probably should have named it: www.extendedfamilies.com. May still do that.

Trying to figure out why people do what they do is impossible...but we have to try if we are going to get along. How sad when you heart is so full of love. I think the hormone thing could be it but the stuff about lying is hard to take and your son turning on you is a low blow. I'm so sorry.

[cocobars]

Welcome Heartstrings!  I'm sorry and I know you must feel such hurt and wonder what you ever did to have your DIL act that way toward you, when you just wanted to fawn over that beautiful baby! 

Scoop may be right.  Hang in there and see.  New mothers can be very tender, not that you are being treated with kindness yourself.  You are in the right place because the women here have been through alot of the same heartache. Judging by the title of your post, you think you've done something wrong here (or goofed).  You haven't done anything to deserve the feelings you are having, but you have found the right place for understanding.

Hang in and take care of you!

Oh, and P.S. - We are pretty much FIL's too, so I think you found the right place! We are happy to have you here.

[2chickiebaby]

Scoop, I am so sorry, I am dying laughing here over the Pam story....Pam!  Pssst!! Danger! Poison!!

You are so cute!

[cocobars]

Yep!  That got me too!  Psssst...  Scary noises!  LOL!

Isn't it funny what hormones do to you!

[2chickiebaby]

But Coco, I didn't know I had hormones back then.  I just thought I was nuts.

[2chickiebaby]

Heartstrings,
I don't want you to think you have done anything wrong.  You haven't.....at all.  You are just tender hearted and I think you're wonderful.

[Heartstrings]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement all.
I must have hormone problems too because when our first was born (daughter), I was constantly going into her room to make sure she was still breathing. And if she so much as made a peep in the night, I was jumping out of bed to check on her. She's 23 now and I STILL do it. Just this morning, about 3AM, I heard a really weird noise and sailed down the stairs to check on my two kids (our youngest son is 17).

But I never denied my parents, or my wife's, the right to  their grandchildren.  If my own Dad hadn't been beside himself with pride and joy over our little ones, I would have thought something was terribly wrong. He doted on them and my wife and I let him. Our grandson is 16 months old now so, I hope she gets over it soon. My wife is broken hearted over it as well.
Thanks all

[cocobars]

LOL!  I did the same thing as a new mother (checking the breathing).  I would even wake up in the middle of the night when they wouldn't wake me up and turn a flashlight on them and watch!   HA!  Just checking the little chest going up and down!

You never denied anyone else loving your children because you loved them so much, and wanted them to have as much of that (love) from as many directions as it could come.  Is that right?

OH Heartstrings!  I just realized you are a FIL = Father In Law!   I'm so sorry.  When I first read your post, I thought FIL = Family In Law (member)!  HA! 

It's so nice to get a FIL's opinion on this too!  I feel like a REAL airhead now, but I hope you will forgive me for that! 

Thank you for coming here!  I think you will find alot of ideas and support from the women (and hopefuly FIL's too now)!  Welcome!

[cocobars]

Oh, and P.S. - We are pretty much FIL's too, so I think you found the right place! We are happy to have you here.

Oops!  Maybe it's me that "goofed!" 

[2chickiebaby]

I am SOOO so so sorry, Heartstrings!  Tell your wife that we are thinking of her.  What wonderful grandparents you will be.  I'm so sorry your wife is feeling this way. I know how it hurts. 

I hope the DIL is not like that when she's around you in her home or your home?  Is this just at Church?  Or, is it everywhere?

[RedRose]

Same here Heartstrings. I use to check on my first child all the time too..napping over 3 hours was too long for me.

When my children were growing up I welcomed all...grandparents, siblings, friends...loving them, caring for them, even spoiling them.

Grandparent's DO have the right to spend time with grandchildren...it's too bad not all dil's think that way. Some are afraid we may get too close.

Just go along with things for a little while...Hopefully she gets over it soon.

[2chickiebaby]

me too, Rose....all were welcomed in our home anytime.  I never saw it as an intrusion.